9-15-98: 4:25 A.M. - My brain is fevered; my room is freezing because I have the air conditioner turned down to an ungodly tempreture. Icecicles are forming on various parts of my anatomy, yet it is not cold enough. My body feels as if it is on fire, waves of unnatural heat roll over my body.

Yet, is this what I am thinking about? Am I concerned that I will combust into living flames and die? No. Unfortunatly, my thoughts are more horrifying and morbid than my own death. No, I am thinking about life without you, dear Martha. My sweet beloved Martha.

Martha. How your name brings me comfort and makes me smile, even now while I write this. I think, or do, or see something and it reminds me of you, or of us. Or I think to myself how I want you to experience it as well.

Eureka! I have discovered what love trully is! The human experience is sharing our suffering, after all, why do we say things like, "this tastes afwul, here have some." Or "Phew! Here smell this, it reeks." We don't want to be alone in our misery. But love, ah sweet rain that it is, love is where you want to share joy. Where you want to share sun rises, cute smiles, briliant writings, and good music.

I am tired. Yet my mind goes like a poem:

My body is weak, but without you my spirit grows weaker. I need you. I need you just as I need air, food, sleep. You have become necessary for my continued existance. Just the thought of you, the knowledge that you exist, allows me to keep moving. For it is trully a mystery how I got this far in my life without you being there.

I close my eyes and remember what it feels like to have your hand on my cheek or how your delicate lips feel against mine. I close my eyes and see your gentle beautiful eyes looking into mine with that look you have. I don't think you even realize you are doing the look, and that makes it all the more precious.

I have come to the conclusion that I am not good enough for you.

I didn't realize how sad I was until I sat down to write you this letter. For tomorrow is our two month anniversary and I wanted you to have something which to remember me by. So, I sat down with the monumental task of expressing how I feel about you. Then a blankness overtook me and I realized that I can just as soon count the stars in the night time sky as I can explain why I love you. I love you for everything you are, will be, and can be. You are what I want. You make me whole. And that is a gift that I can never repay.

Yet, there no words left to describe my love. No songs left unsung, nor heartwarming poems left unwritten that can give even the slightest hint of my complete and total love for you. All that is left for me to use are cliches and phrases which are a plafe reflection of what I really feel

So, I thank you for the wonderful two months that you have graced me with, and I pledge my word that I will try and express myself and how much I love you for as long as you'll have me.