Consumer Report (CR) Looks at Girlfriends It has been almost 20 years since Consumer Reports reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug. 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been introduced, and the market has changed substantially. Clearly, another report was long overdue. Identifying Your Needs ---------------------- As with any major purchase, before obtaining a girlfriend you should ask yourself exactly why you need one. Do you want an intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting a girlfriend. The potential girlfriends you see in most showrooms tend to be loaded with the usual flashy accessories -- large breasts, long legs, blonde hair, etc. However, there is also a wide variety of accessories designed to appeal to fringe markets. For example, some models come pre-equipped with pets and/or children; others can run 10 miles while chanting Sanskrit. You should make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as a large bosom) must be factory-installed. Determine Your Budget --------------------- The second question, of course, is what sort of girlfriend you can afford. The answer is largely determined by your physical and personal characteristics. If you are good-looking and have a commanding personality and a good sense of humour, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering your selection. Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, CR does not recommend this practice: due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time. Used vs. New? -------------- A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new or used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly speaking, be determined by your age: Your age Used or New -------- ----------- 13-18 years New 19-30 years Lightly used 31-45 years Extensively used 45+ New*** ***Only if income exceeds $250,000/year. Otherwise, "Divorced, with kids." New girlfriends offer the advantage of having no previous bad experiences to project upon you. The disadvantage is that they will rarely be old enough to open a checking account. Used girlfriends, on the other hand, tend to be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problems worked out. CR does advise that you use caution when choosing models that have significantly higher than average mileage (2.1 SO's/yr.). This may be an indication that the girlfriend was a professional. CR's Methodology ----------------- For our purposes, girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers, selected to typify the average male population. All tests were performed at CR's specially constructed facility, which included a bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding the facility. A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product according to the following criteria: intelligence, wit, humour, empathy, initiative, looks, and performance. Results -------- Girlfriends are categorized by similarity. Within each category, variation is not statistically significant. Category Comments --------- ------------------------------------------ Goddess This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped with all of the options you want and none of the ones you don't. She can argue subtle points of philosophy, give you a stiff game of racquetball, understand what you mean even if you don't say it, and break a bed with her enthusiasm. No mental or physical hang-ups. The drawback is that this model is not actually available. Goddess-in-law This model is similar to the Goddess, but comes with contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a spiteful mother, an alcoholic father, and a bratty kid. This model tends to generate grey hairs. Ms. Right The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations. Has most of the characteristics of the Goddess except possibly in the wrong size or hair color. Other than that, an excellent long-term investment. Availability is extremely limited but can occasionally be found with luck. Babe This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the options. Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers and empathy. Showy, suitable for a parade or for impressing your friends, but not for your long-term girlfriend needs. Friend The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but tends to be aesthetically lacking. Availability is poor to fair depending on quality. Yeah, Her The Chevy Nova of girlfriends. Widely available, but useful only in a pinch, if no others are available. Tends to be spiteful or unreliable, with a dull finish. Until you find her, we at CR wish you Happy Hunting!