Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey





Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes. 
Then, when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes.



If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava,
let'em go, because, man, they're gone.



If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?
We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.



To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around.
That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?"
You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."



The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.



If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is,
"God is crying."  And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him
is, "Probably because of something you did."



Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself.  MANKIND.
Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind."
What do these words mean?  It's a mystery and so is mankind.



It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money.  And I guess that's
what I like about it.  It's easy.  Just sitting there, rocking back and forth,
wanting that money.



I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.  And I can
picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.



I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain,
because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.



Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you
don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to.
Then on the way out, slam the door.



Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?



What is a committee?  A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do
the unnecessary.