The Personal Diary
Of
Ian H. Moore
For March 01
I stood at the edge of the drop looking down, I remember feeling the
fear of being so close to the edge at such a height and yet, at that moment
in time, there was also a sense of calm deep within me. The others
pressed around me, each of them trying to get a view to the bottom of the
drop, crowding that small overhanging ledge. And as I leaned over
to see what lay at the bottem I remember a sudden quiet in the air, as
if someone had found a volume control for the universe. There was
nothing, even the sounds of the Fete from the school had seemed to stop,
frozen. That one moment seemed to hang in the air, suspended by whatever
laws rule our perceptions of time. That moment was peacefull, that
moment was divine, that moment seemed to last for minutes. And as
I straightend myself to move away, one more person crowded that ledge,
one more person moved that crowd forward an inch, towards the person standing
at the edge of the drop. Even before I realised what had happened,
I was falling head first towards the bottom in a slow tumble.............
So here we are, Wednesday morning, after another 12 hour night shift.
Barely able to keep my eyes open, but still, there's time enough for sleep
yet. I've often wondered about my life. Where am I going?
How am I going to get there? And what is going to be waiting for
me when I get there? I've always had my dreams and my aspirations,
but most of my life they have been dominated by my fears and my failures.
People say at 22, that I'm still young, I have my life all ahead of me,
but I actually don't see it that way. At 22 I feel old, I look at
people younger then me that have done even more with their lives.
I see the people older then me who are at the same stage that I am.
The truth is, that anytime I did anything to improve my life, it was never
for my own benefit. I've never had problems giving other people
encouragement, giving them great advice, or giving them tips for life.
Yet, when it comes to my own life, I can never seem to listen to my own
commen sense. Or at least, I can never seem to listen to it, until
it's too late and the damage is already done. Thankfully that's the
good part of being who I am, there's usually never anyone close enough
that can be caught in my fall out. There's always a bright side to
life, right?
What????? That's what I always think to myself when anyone gives
me a compliment. If you've ever known a person in your life, who
just cannot take a compliment, then I'm probably on par with them.
If you've never known one, well Hi there, nice to meet you. I pretty
much grew up with a really bad self image of myself, inspired by my lack
of confidence. Whenever a person would give me a compliment, I would
immediatly assume that it was a lie just to make me feel better about myself.
Yeah I know, your probably thinking, "if this is true, how come he plastered
his website with photo's of himself?" Honestly??? I actually
didn't have anything else to put up on it. I only have had one compliment..............
well two really, but the second one was just a lot of hard work, heard
too often and a whole lot of fun............... ?:OP But honestly,
I have only had one compliment in my whole life that I actually treasured.
I remember it well, and I remember the feeling I had inside when I heard
it. I know at the time it was true, but nowdays I wonder, would it
still be true? I'd like to think that it would be, that I haven't
chanaged that much. But sometimes I wonder, I remember how differant
my life used to be, how differant a person I really was. Although
it doesn't feel that I've changed much as a person, I know that in certain
ways I have. Having said that, there's still a lot that hasn't changed
about me in the past 18 years or so. I know there's a lot of people
out there who are torn apart by self hate, they loathe who they are.
I don't hate myself, I don't hate who I am, and I don't hate what I've
become, and even though I don't love myself, I can certainly tolerate myself.
Funnily enough, now that I have my webcam broadcasting on the net, I'm
getting a lot of comments from people about my looks. I don't know
what the picture quality is like on the net, I can't see the feed myself,
but my guess is that it must be pretty blurry or something. Then
again, all the compliments are actually from men, so I'm not that phased
by it all. I've never considered myself to be a good looking person,
I still don't. I guess there's a lot of things that I never really
liked about myself. There are however, two things that I do like
about myself. My eyes because I think that they actually reflect
my personalilty, and my hands, because there are artistic and creative.
My brain????? If it ever wakes up I'll let you know. Although
to tell you the truth, it hasn't let me down just yet.
Life has left me with a lot of questions that are unanswered so far.
Will I ever be able to fulfill my dreams? Will I die a happy person
who knows their life was worthwhile? Is there a nicer icecream then
Bailey's Irish Cream Hagaan Daas??? Well ok, so maybe I know the
answer to the last one already, but still, I look forward to finding out
the other answers. Hey, if I get the chance, in about 80 years time,
I'll even post them up here!! Will you still be around? I'm actually
hoping that you will be, not just because you (like many other people)
think that it's great to look at someone else's diary, but because you
sincerely are a friend, and that you genuinely care.
...............fifteen years ago I fell from the cliff edge of a quarry.
I can't honestly remember if I was pushed or if I lost my balance.
I can't honestly remember how far the drop was, I've always and still am,
terrible with judging distances. All I know is, that if I had time
to slowly tumbe through the air, then it must have been pretty damn far.
Fifteen years ago I fell from the cliff edge of a quarry and landed back
first on the ground, a brick lay right under my head. I was stunned,
I was shocked, but I was alive. Fifteen years ago I was stopped from
tumbling through the air, by an object more commenly known as the ground,
and yet when I think about my life today, it sometimes feels like I'm still
falling..............
Ian H. Moore
01/03/00
After a guelling 12 hour night shift with his eyes falling out of his
skull.
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