A TRIBUTE TO MRS. S#@!+$
Stuart K. Hayashi
(Note: Yes, I really did "learn" all of this nonsense from the very same history "teacher." Her real name does not appear here, so that she can preserve what little dignity she has left.)
Now, after all these years, I understand that I have taken Mrs. S#@!+$ for granted. I should be glad that she gave me such useful, accurate information. Sadly, much of this has been undermined by contradictory propaganda spread by such disreputable sources as the Wall Street Journal, The World Book Enyclopedia, KHON-Hawaii TV news reporter Joe Moore, and The Honolulu Star-Bulletin. Well, she didn't hate that last periodical as much, though she prefers The Honolulu Advertiser. I can now see that all of these ultra-conservative reactionary forms of media are a part of the right-wing conspiracy uncovered by Hillary Clinton. So, as a token of my appreciation, here's a list of what I learned from Mrs. S#@!+$, as well as the inaccurate, contradictory information I heard from everywhere else.
1) Mrs. S#@!+$: The chairman of the Federal Reserve is named Hiram Greenspan. There was also a Hawaii governor who bore that same name.
Other Sources: The chairman of the Federal Reserve is Alan Greenspan. Also, there was no Hawaii governor named Hiram Greenspan, though there was a Hiram Bingham.
2) Mrs. S#@!+$: George Washington said, "The government which governs the least, governs the best." Of course, while he was a great general, he was a simple-minded man. If he weren't, he wouldn't have said anything so ridiculous.
Other Sources: It was Thomas Jefferson who said it, and it really went: "That government is best which governs least." And maybe he actually knew what he was talking about . . .
3) Mrs. S#@!+$: The Industrial Revolution should be called "The Gilded Age," and Industrial Revolution billionaire J. D. Rockefeller was a horrible old miser who never gave to charity.
Every Other Source on the Planet: John D. Rockefeller, Sr. is rarely called "J.D." by historians. Also, he gave a lot of money to charity. In fact, the amount he gave to charity was more th the amount of money anyone accumulated for himself at the time!
4) Mrs. S#@!+$: As punishment for their evil, the Industrial Revolution--oh, sorry; Gilded Age--businessmen suffered horrible fates.
Historian Burton W. Fulsom, Jr. of The Wall Street Journal: James Jerome Hill died at age 72, J. P. Morgan Sr. at 75, Charles M. Schwab at 77, Andrew Carnegie at 81, and John D. Rockefeller Sr. at 98. My, what short lives they led! They all died rich (except for Schwab, who gave away too much money), well-taken-care-of, and of natural causes. That'll show 'em!
5) Mrs. S#@!+$: Did you know that there was a room on the Titanic built for the unscrupulous Gilded Age banker J. P. Morgan? Too bad he wasn't on that ship when it sank!
Me: Uhhhhhhh, okay. . . .
6) Mrs. S#@!+$: Any African American (how dare you say "black"!) who isn't a Liberal Democrat is an Uncle Tom!!!
(I think this comment speaks for itself.)
7) Mrs. S#@!+$: Hawaii should have a mass transit system, so that everyone will ride the monorail, leaving the roads clear for ME to drive on!
Me, back when I was ignorant: If everyone expects everyone else to ride the monorail, then who will actually decide to ride on it himself?
8) Mrs. S#@!+$: Tax dollars should be spent on distributing "free" contraceptives to everyone.
(Again, I think this bit of wisdom speaks for itself.)
9) Mrs. S#@!+$: W. E. B. DuBois was a wonderful social crusader, who brilliantly fought for civil rights and liberty.
The Honolulu Star-Bulletin: W. E. B. DuBois sincerely called Josef Stalin a humanitarian.
10) Mrs. S#@!+$: The stock market crash of 1929 was caused by unregulated capitalism; particularly from the stock manipulation on the part of the greedy speculators on Wall Street. It's good that we now have the Federal Reserve to regulate the economy, so that it won't happen again.
An Essay in a Book: The Federal Reserve was already established before the crash. In fact, it caused the crash by printing too many bills. When I told Mrs. S#@!+$ this, she said "Nooooooooo. Who [in the tone of "what idiot?"] said that?" I replied: "Alan Greenspan." Yes, that inaccurate essay was written by none other than one Alan Greenspan. (Yikes! That book's publishers got his first name wrong! Don't they know his real name is Hiram?)
11) Mrs. S#@!+$: Franklin D. Roosevelt was a great president, because he started the Selective Service, welfare, and Social Security, and ignored the term limit laws. His only flaw was marrying his cousin.
Other Sources: The draft, welfare, and Social "Security" might not be so good. And, according to the textbook (which I ignorantly thought was slanted towards the "liberals"' side), it was Franklin Roosevelt who signed the executive order that put the Japanese Americans in concentration camps. What a humanitarian! He should go into the Humanitarian Hall of Fame next to W. E. B. DuBois's hero.
12) Mrs. S#@!+$: Woodrow Wilson was another great president. Another humanitarian.
What I ignorantly perceived to be an ultra-left wing, extreme "liberal" book: Woodrow Wilson was a white supremacist who did everything in his power to oppress racial minorites. Now I understand that all of the "liberal" opinions in this book were a ruse. This is a part of the right-wing conspiracy!
13) Mrs. S#@!+$: America's paper money supply is backed by the gold in Fort Knox. We have a National Debt because we keep borrowing gold from other countries to back our paper money.
All Economists: Our paper money isn't backed by anything. For a time, it couldn't even be legally exchanged for gold bars. Also, the National Debt is caused by "deficit financing,"not by the borrowing of gold from other countries. The "debt" is to the Federal Rererve, which prints the paper money. If we were to pay off all of the national debt, all paper money would be taken out of circulation. These economists must be lying. Anyone who says Mrs. S#@!+$ was wrong must be a part of the vast right-wing conspiracy.
Thank you, Mrs. S#@!+$, for being so accurate and informed. It's no surprise that your son made it to Princeton. I'm sure he left home already knowledgeable of the past.
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The above essay is Copyright © 1998 Stuart K. Hayashi, and may not be reproduced by any means without his written consent. All rights reserved.