HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM MAD SCIENTISTS

Stuart K. Hayashi


           Oh no! Those mad scientist genetic engineers are trying to improve nature! How dare they make life better for us! We must do everything in our power to avoid condoning the existence of their blasphemous creations.

           Well, if you wanna do that, you better cut out the fruits and veggies. Right now, all of the oranges,tomatoes, potatos, bananas, and mangos in the stores are genetically engineered. They are re-designed and cloned. (They all came from the same cell, but often come in different shapes and sizes because the conditions they are exposed to make each of them unique, which is why no two clones are alike. Each clone is a totally unique individual, not a xeroxed duplicate of anything! How frightening!) What's worse, those nefarious Dr. Frankensteins are planning to move on to other plants soon.
           If you wish to avoid the biotech killer tomatoes, it also means avoiding everything they're made into and used in, so you better cut out the ketchup, hamburgers, hot dogs, and sandwiches.
           Wanna avoid the Frankenstein potatoes? I guess you gotta stop buying mashed potatoes, french fries, baked potatoes, and potato chips.
           Don't want any monster bananas? Boycott the banana splits, not to mention bananas in general.
           Abhor "unnaturally-grown" oranges? Then say goodbye to Vitamin C.

      Even more terrifying, they're now working on making genetically-improved cows. So if you refuse to be corrupted by the megalomanical scientists who have the nerve to lengthen our lives by improving our health (how dare they!), then you should stay away from anything and everything that comes from cows.
           No cow meat means no steak, no meatloaf, no hamburgers, and no oriental-style barbecue.
           The artifically-enhanced genes go into the milk too. This means we must now fear milk, milk shakes, yogurt, ice cream, and anything that's chocolate or vanilla. No more calcium for you!
           What animals are next? Pigs and chicken. And, with the advent of Mariculture and Aquaculture (fish-farming) how long will it be before the AntiCrichtons alter the evolution of fish? The Japanese have been doing this for decades, what with their mutant Unagi eels. Soon, all animal products will come from something that was genetilly re-designed and cloned by mad scientists working for unscrupulous corporations a la Jurassic Park?

           And don't kid yourself if you think bread is safe from the tinkering of these unholy men. Bread is artificially made from yeast. That's right; a fungus, which the scientists have been genetically altering for years. Even bread has been contaminated by the foul hand of man . . . but then, if it weren't for a the foul hand of man, there wouldn't be any bread in the first place. Ain't that strange.

           Is there an alternative to eating the creations of men who dare to play God? Yes! You can eat organic produce, grown naturally without any genetic tampering, pesticides, or any of that other horrible stuff meant to protect us. Hooray! But you must bear in mind that organic foods rot more easily, are smaller, uglier, and are filled with the larvae of locusts, beetles, and worms. Yummy!

           If you wanna avoid eating the mad-scientist food and bugs, that just leaves . . . rocks and dirt.

So, in our dietary future, we will have three alternatives.

1) *Gasp!* Actually accept the improvements mad scientists are making on our food, and be glad that this will be even more nutricious. Farmers use pesticides for a reason, you know. And perhaps the conspiracy theories of certain environmental extremists are not always accurate. Maybe these farmers use these chemicals, not to to poison and kill the consumers they depend on to supply their income, but to actually . .. reduce contamination by getting rid of the disease-infested insects? Oops. Sorry. I wrongly assumed that logic and reason should be considered in the setting of public policy. Perish the thought.

2) Eat organic vegetables filled with grubs and worms. I guess the bugs must have some valuable nutrient in them.

3) Eat rocks and dirt.

Bon appetite!


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The above is essay is Copyright © 1998 Stuart K. Hayashi, and may not be reproduced by any means, without his written consent. All rights reserved.