The typical Single Guy.
Menu planning isn't something that the single guy really thinks about too hard. Except for the rare occasion when he's dining with someone special (and even then, it's easier to pay someone else to worry about it) the single guy will eat pretty much whatever is lying around.
Only four things are required for the singly guy to have what he considers an effective kitchen. A refrigerator: mostly for beer but also to store frozen entrees, and to give that green fuzzy thing (recently named "Morty") a comfortable place to live. A can opener: the kind with a bottle opener on the other end is best. A fork: to get at the contents of the just-opened cans. A microwave oven: this serves it's factory recommended function of thawing the previously mentioned frozen entrees to a state of easier consumption, but also provide the single guy with some entertainment. Just think of marshmallows or Gummi Bears... and if you want to see a single guy giggle like a loon, just suggest putting a Gummi Bear on top of a marshmallow. Guaranteed results.
When the single guy eats, plates are optional. In fact, plate are just plain annoying. They require slightly more maintenance than the average single guy is willing to deal with, namely, washing. This is time which could be spent doing something important, like watching football. It is much easier to pull the top off a can of ravioli and just dig right in. No fuss, no bother; just pasta wrapped beefy goodness. Clean up is a snap. Recycle the can, lick the fork clean, wipe on a towel (who am I kidding? a shirtsleeve), and put away.
Meal presentation isn't something that is high on a single guy's list of priorities. There is nothing appealing about a can of pork 'n beans with a fork stuck in it, unless you’re a single guy. "Heck, it don't look so good when yer done with it, so why make such an effort? It ain't art, it's lunch!" The closest thing to garnish in the single guy's meal is the collection of stains on his shirt.
Thankfully, most single guys eat at home, alone, where the civilized world doesn't have to deal with them.
Tune in next time when we discuss the single guy and laundry.
Remember, if a guy knows way too much Brady Bunch trivia, he's probably single.
Laundry day is one of the most dreaded days on the single guy’s calendar. It is so hated that many single guys will live within a short distance of their parent’s house just to get it done regularly. Laundry, and perhaps the need for a clean bathroom, has caused the downfall of many single guys. Marriage seemed to be the only way out. Fortunately, there are ways for us to avoid this evil fate. Here’s how.
Let’s start with sorting. Most single guys group their clothes into three categories: clean, not to bad (meaning still smells fresh enough to wear again), and needs to be dragged out back and shot. These various stages of cleanliness are usually distinguished from one another by sniffing (another really disgusting single guy habit). Luckily, most of us get to them before they take on a life of their own and demand their own room (which they often get, by the way). That’s where the major appliances come in.
The washing machine. It’s more than a place to tie-dye all those cool shirts you own. I will also clean them. I know, I know, this is an amazing claim, but if you toss in all of your smelly garments, add some of that fancy soap stuff, your clothes will come out smelling fresh. A word of caution, though, do not wash your new jeans and anything white at the same time. Unless you don’t mind wearing baby blue underwear, and socks, and dress shirts.... you get the picture. Personally, I have found that a blue wardrobe is very easy to keep coordinated. Everything goes with everything else.
The dryer is not the place where you warm your socks (clean or otherwise) on a cold winter’s morning. That’s what the oven is for. It will really dry your clothes that you washed in that other gadget, the washing machine, provided you don’t overload it, and clean the lint trap (no, not your belly button, so don’t even start). This is the easiest part of the laundry process. Almost nothing to distract you from the Bulls game. Just throw the wet stuff in, set the timer, start the machine, and that’s it. Until you get to folding.
I have yet to see a single guy that can fold clothes properly. If there is one out there, he’s lying. He’s got a woman stashed somewhere to do it for him. Either that, or he still lives with his mother and is likely to stay single for a very long time. Actually, it’s not a bad deal, except for the living with his mother part. Most single guys do not even bother with folding the clothes. Simply throw them into a basket, box, milk crate, or whatever they use, and just dig from there when they need something clean to wear. If in a public laundromat, and an interesting female is present, the single guy will linger to attempt to fold the clothes. This usually results in the female noticing his ineptitude and helping him out, which gives him a chance to get a phone number (one of the single guys major goals in life).
For the most part, a single guy lives by the maxim of wash and wear, then wear again, so be sure to be upwind whenever possible.
Join me next time when I comment on single guys and shopping.
And remember, if a guy has pictures of dogs playing poker in every room of the house, he’s probably single.
If there’s one thing that a guy considers to be a waste of valuable time, it’s shopping. The closest thing to a shopping trip that a guy can tolerate is running to the gas station for another six-pack and some slim jims. The concept of spending two hours in a store and leaving with only one pair of pants just boggles the mind of most single guys. If he wants pants, he goes in, grabs a pair of blue jeans, pays, and walks out. End of trip. There is no thought put into whether or not they go with anything, because a guy’s wardrobe is almost all blue, anyway. For most guys, there are only a few situations where a shopping trip would be considered.
Condition one: he is dragged along by a significant other. This is the closest most guys will get to Hell while they are still alive. Wandering through the stores, constantly being asked their opinion on different outfits, when the only outfit a guy is interested in seeing a girl in is either whipped cream, or plastic wrap. The new shirts and pants are just not high on a guy’s priority list. It’s even worse when he is asked his thoughts on lingerie in public. He would be more than happy to demonstrate in the privacy of his own home (or in the back of his car, for that matter), but in a crowded store is just too much restraint for him to deal with.
The next shopping trip a guy will go on is grocery shopping. Some guys actually enjoy this. After all, at a grocery store, a guy will find two of his favorite things: food and beer. Even then, it’s a quick trip. No searching for sales, no comparing prices. Just fill up a basket with chips and pizza and out the door he goes. If you see a single guy spending a reasonable amount of time checking out produce, it’s only because there is a particularly attractive female in the next aisle and he wants to a) check her out as inconspicuously as possible, and/or b) he’s trying to impress her with his vast (but totally imagined) knowledge of fruit quality.
Now for the shopping trip a guy will gladly go on, and even with a group of other guys. I’m talking about a quest here, the search for perfection, nirvana, and more power. Yes folks, I’m talking about a trip to Sears. There is not a single guy in existence that does not know the electronics and power tool section of the local Sears like the back of his hand. He will drool for hours over a cordless drill he doesn’t even know how to use. Babble on about how many watts a speaker can stand, even though to turn it all the way up will make his ears bleed. It’s almost embarrassing to admit it, but I am guilty of these crimes myself, and I consider myself to be one of the more enlightened guys you could find.
That’s all for now. Join me next time when I blather on about guys and the great outdoors.
And remember, if a guy waves and you notice the holes in the armpits of his shirt, he’s probably single.
Ah, the beauty of autumn. Leaves changing colors, warm nights by the fireplace, and hunting season. Yes, hunting season. Few phrases can get a guy’s blood racing so. Football playoffs, but that’s spread out over a long period of time, and can be savored. Free food, but you can always go to your mother’s house for that. Then there is full frontal nudity, but do I really need to explain how that excites the guys? Hunting season is the outlet for urges that guys have had since the beginning of time, namely, to hang out with other guys and get drunk. (See Dave Barry’s excellent book, Dave Barry’s Complete Guide To Guys for some compelling "scientific" evidence of this phenomenon.)
For guys, hunting season is not all about the thrill of stalking and dispatching the ferocious whitetail, but the joy of drinking beer and shooting stuff (usually the empty beer cans, or the occasional foot). Men hunt for the kill, guys just hunt for a better story to tell the other guys. Who got locked in the outhouse, the time a bear wandered into the camp and tapped the keg, or the deer Joe got last year (even though Joe got that deer with his truck on the way home).
Hunting season is also the only time a guy really worries all that much about his clothes. True, it’s all orange, but it’s a start. A guy will even go so far as to buy new underwear just for this auspicious occasion. He will then wear that same pair of new underwear for two weeks straight. When he gets home and finally takes it off, it promptly moves out and gets it’s own apartment. This may be amazing, but it’s understandable. Who wants to live with someone that wears the same pair of long johns for that much time?
Another odd thing about guys and hunting season is the strange habit of buying thousands of dollars worth of equipment that they don’t really need. Ultra high powered rifles with laser and infra red scopes, millions of rounds of ammunition, the latest technological advances in beer cooling systems, cologne made of deer urine (as if they didn’t smell bad enough), and nuclear powered portable toilets (this is interesting, a guy will sit on the same racing stripe for decades, but has a problem with squatting in a bush). For all the money they spend, it would probably be cheaper, and they would be just as likely to bag that buck, if they had a few deer tied to a stake in their back yard. You might even get them to shower more often, but that is unlikely.
Come back next time when I try to explain the guy’s point of view on matters of the heart.
And remember, if a guy finds half a candy bar on the sidewalk and eats it, he’s not stupid, just single.
It always happens. Sooner or later, a guy is going to meet the woman of his dreams. She can cook, she cleans, she looks great in a wet T-shirt... in short, she is everything he has ever wanted. Now the wonderful life the guy has created for himself comes crashing down around his ears. Clean shirts become important, he tries to control his urge to belch as loud as possible, and there might even be something more important to do on evenings than staying home and counting the hooters that they show on cable. It’s sad to see a guy nearly pass out because he has been sucking in his gut for the last half hour just because some woman is nearby, and just might be looking.
When a guy falls in love, don’t plan to include him in plans for the poker game anymore, or to come over and watch football and drink beer. The good old days are gone. If he’s not with HER, he’s thinking about her. It’s better that he do this someplace else, as it is quite boring to listen to him ramble on about the way she makes that funny noise when she laughs. No one else really cares. Just stay home and moon all you want, but don’t try to drag your friends into it. Not if you want to keep them.
As if staying clean weren’t horrible enough, when guys fall in love they start to do really stupid things, like writing poetry. Imagine, a normal guy, meaning someone with the literary know how of a turnip, trying to turn his whacked out emotions into verse... the language can’t handle it. The guy’s most profound statement to date is something like "uh, yeah". To listen to him read his maladjusted doggerel, usually comparing his heart’s desire to a beer, out loud is the epitome of torture. It would be doing him, and the world, a favor to just shoot him before it gets any worse. He might start buying flowers or something.
OK, I suppose there are a few of you out there that might be the object of some poor guys affection. First off, I have to say be nice. I know you ladies think that you have cornered the market on being dramatic, but there is nothing, and I mean nothing, more pathetic than seeing a guy mope around after the love of his life leaves him in the lurch. Next, don’t expect to see too much of that poetry he wrote just for you. A guy would rather die than to seem too emotional. Don’t ask me why. I’m a guy myself, and I don’t think about it too much. When he brushes the dust off of the power tools he bought at Sears and figures out how they work, he’s gonna try to make you something. Pretend to like it. It’s bad enough he’s in such a vulnerable position to begin with, don’t make things worse by smashing his fragile ego.
I’ll probably be assassinated for letting this out, but guys are not the big time horn dogs everyone seems to think they are. They have feelings. They just don’t think about them all that often. That’s why they are so confused when they start working. If he doesn’t call, don’t assume he’s moved on and forgotten about you. He’s really sitting in his room trying to find some meaningful phrase that rhymes with your name. Call him. Not only will this make him even more crazy about you, it will get him looking at his clothes and thinking about buying an iron. Don’t play games. He doesn’t know the rules and wouldn’t understand them if you explained them to him. Just be honest with him and yourself. Take your time. When a guy get confronted by emotions, either his own or someone else’s, he gets confused, panicked. Then he runs. You can’t fight what you don’t understand. Give him time to figure stuff out.
I hope I’ve succeeded in shedding a little light on what guys think about love. I probably haven’t, but oh well. I’m still trying to figure out what I think, and I’m writing it down as I go along. Deal with it.
Join me next time when I attempt to explain why a guy thinks he needs to right all the time.
And remember, if a guy uses the word "schwing" more than twice in half an hour, he’s probably single.
