A lady goes into a pet store one day. 

"I'm really lonely," she says to the clerk. "I need a pet to keep me company." 

"Well," replies the clerk. "How about this nice parrot? He'll talk to you." 

"Hey, that's great." She likes the idea and she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Next day: Same lady comes back to the pet store. 

"You know, that parrot isn't talking to me yet," she says.

"Hmmm, let's see," says the clerk. "I know! You buy this little ladder for his cage.

He'll climb the ladder...and then he'll talk."

"OK." So off she goes with a newly purchased ladder. 

Next day: Same lady comes back to the pet store. 

"Hey, that parrot still hasn't said a word," she says to the pet store clerk.

He thinks a minute. "How about this little mirror?" he says. 

"You hang it at the top of the ladder. The parrot will climb the ladder, look in the 

mirror and then he'll talk to you."

"OK," she says, and buys the little mirror, and goes home.

But the next day that same lady is back in the shop. 

"Well, I'm getting a bit discouraged," she says. "That parrot STILL won't talk to me."

The clerk scratches his head. "Let me think....AHA! Try this bell. 

You hang it over the mirror. That parrot will climb the ladder, look in the mirror, 

ring the bell, and then he will surely talk to you!"

"Well, all right, I'll give it a try," says the lady. And she buys the bell and takes 

it home. 

The next day the same lady comes back to the pet shop, and she is mightily distressed. 

"What's wrong?" asks the clerk.

"My parrot...well, he died," was the quiet reply. 

"Oh no! I'm so sorry for your loss!" exclaimed the clerk. "But I have to ask you, did 

the parrot ever say anything to you?"

"Oh yes, he said one thing, right before he died," she replied.

"Well, what did he say?" asked the clerk. 

The lady replies: "He said, 'DOESN'T THAT STORE CARRY ANY FOOD?!!?'" 

A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three-legged chicken.

Amazed, he turned off the road and drove down a long driveway to the nearest farmhouse. 

There he saw a man in the yard and dozens of three-legged chickens. 

He called out to the farmer "How did you get all these three-legged chickens?"

The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya see it's me, my wife and my son living here and we

all like the drumstick. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this 
 
three legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece."

"That's amazing!" said the driver "How do they taste?"

"Don't rightly know, ain't never been able to catch one."  

There were these two snake buddies slithering along through the grass.

One snake asked his friend: "Thay, are we poisonous?"

His friend answered: "Yes, very. Why do you ask?"

And the first snake explained: "I jutht bit my tongue." 

Dear Dogs and Cats,

 When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not switch positions with each other
so there are still two of you in the way.

 The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine 
and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and 
food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that 
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

 The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the 
bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

 I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not 
think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of 
dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to 
sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also 
know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to 
maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

 My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

 For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I 
beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try 
to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. When I 
exit this room, I will come out the the same door I entered. In addition, I have been 
using bathrooms for years. Canine attendance has never been necessary.

 The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs' butt. I cannot stress this 
enough. It would be such a simple change for you.


 In return for your following these simple rules, I have posted the following message on 
our front door:


Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. 
To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and 
doesn't speak clearly.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. 
They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come 
when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke 
or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't 
need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the 
results.

George in Montgomery, AL 

This guy goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot.

He sees one on a perch with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string 

tied to it's right leg.

He asks the owner the significance of the strings.

"Well, this is a highly trained parrot. If you pull the red string he speaks French; 

if you pull the green string he speaks German," replies the shop keeper.

"And what happens if I pull both the strings?" our curious shopper inquires.

"I fall off my perch you goober!!" screeches the parrot. 

Puppy owners should get a newspaper and roll it up very tight. Secure it with a rubber

band and leave it on the coffee table.

Then, when the puppy piddles in the house, chews up a slipper or does anything he's not 

supposed to do, simply take the newspaper and bang it on the top of YOUR head very hard 

while repeating... 

"I should have been watching the puppy!"

"I should have been watching the puppy!" 

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears.

"Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asks.

"Sweetheart," she sobs, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef 

Bourguignon for you. I got it out the oven to season it, and the phone rang. 

When I came back from answering the 

phone," she sobbed again "I found that the cat had eaten it!"

"Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. we'll get a new cat in the morning." 

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the 

owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a 

mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to 

help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting 

from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one 

figured a dog would be eavesdropping. 
 
I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really 

tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.

So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly 

wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. 

I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a 

batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 

The owner says "Ten dollars." 

The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, 

"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar." 

Thanks, George in Montgomery 

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. 

He brings in the daily newspapers every morning."

Her husband shrugged, "So, lots of dogs can do that."

The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any!" 

A duck walks into a store and asks, "Hey! Ya got any duck food?" The manager says, 

"No, We don't carry duck food."

The next day the duck went to the same store and asked, "Hey! Ya got any duck food?" 

The manager said, "No, I told you yesterday, we don't have any duck food."

The next day the duck went to the same store and asked, "Hey! Ya got any duck food?" 

The manager said, "Listen! We don't have ANY duck food! And if you come in here again 

and ask for duck food, I'll nail your feet to the floor!!"

The next day the duck returned again and asked, "Hey! Ya got any nails?" 

The manager said, "No."

So the duck asked, "Ya got any duck food?" 

If you can live without caffeine,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can ignore a friend's limited education,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, 

color, religion, gender preference, or politics . . .

THEN, you have ALMOST reached the same level of character development as your dog.

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you 
want him/her to go.

DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the 
newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: What to do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must 
sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor or, better yet, 
on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs until your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. 
You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it 
right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy 
crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get 
maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run 
alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you 
complete the exercise by prancing away.

DEAFNESS: A malady which affects a dog when its person wants it in and the dog wants to 
stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite 
direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: A signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during 
thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, 
panting, peeing on the rug, rolling your eyes wildly and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: A dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get 
bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house for your person to 
play with by putting back in the wastebasket when they come home.

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down 
the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: A process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by 
shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!" -- especially if your person is 
dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of 
coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A last-resort maneuver used when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention 
you require. Especially effective when combined with The Sniff (see above).

LOVE: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. To show your 
love, wag your tail and gaze adoringly. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return. 

 
A tom cat and a tabby were courting on a back fence one night.

The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred, "I'd die for you!"

The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?" 

LAW OF CAT INERTIA - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some 
outside force, such as the opening of cat food. 

LAW OF CAT MOTION - A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good 
reason to change direction. 

FIRST LAW OF CAT ENERGY CONSERVATION - Cats know that energy can neither be created nor 
destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible. 

LAW OF BAG/BOX OCCUPANCY - All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within 
the earliest possible nanosecond. 

LAW OF FURNITURE REPLACEMENT - A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional 
to the cost of the furniture. 

LAW OF CAT COMPOSITION - A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-matter + It Doesn't Matter. 

LAW OF CAT OBEDIENCE - As yet undiscovered. 

A blind man and his seeing-eye dog went into a department store.

Suddenly, the man grabbed the dog by the tail and started swinging it 'round and 'round in 

the air above his head.

A clerk in the store saw this and rushed over to the man. 

"What are you doing?" the clerk gasped.

"Oh, just looking around," said the blind man. 

If I like it, it's mine. 

If it's in my mouth, it's mine. 

If I can take it from you, it's mine. 

If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 

If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. 

If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine. 

If it just looks like mine, it's mine. 

If I saw it first, it's mine. 

If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. 

If it's broken, it's yours. 

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. 

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. 

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. 

Let others know when they've invaded your territory. 

Take naps and stretch before rising. 

Run, romp, and play daily. 

Thrive on attention and let people touch you. 

Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do. 

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass. 

On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree. 

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. 

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout ... 
run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. 

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough. 

Be loyal. 

Never pretend to be something you're not. 

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. 

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently. 

Law of Cat Inertia - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some 
outside force - such as the opening of cat food.

Law of Cat Magnetism - All clothes attract cat hair of opposite color in direct proportion 
to the importance of the occasion for which you are dressing. If you do not own a cat with 
the requisite hair color, this law will still, somehow, apply.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics - Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case 
of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat. 

Law of Cat Stretching - A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the 
nap just taken.  

Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work

Pekingese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat 
Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by .... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end  

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself.

The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your 

stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family 

and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to 

heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.

The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, 

and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think 

we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"

The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and 
finds him snoozing on the pillow.

The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have 

ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!" 

Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. 
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure 
to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow 
cat to close mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. 
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding paws tightly with left hand. 
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for 
a count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. 
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while 
forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new 
ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set 
to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below 
armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down 
drinking straw.

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste 
away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water 
and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door 
onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down 
throat with elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek 
and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one 
from bedroom.

Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor 
who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining 
table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small wrench. 
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and 
pour 1/2 pint water down throat to wash pill down.

Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers 
and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop at furniture shop on way home 
to order new table.

Arrange for S.P.C.A. to collect cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any 
hamsters. 

A guy walking his Doberman Pinscher says to a guy walking his Chihuahua, 
"Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the 
restaurant, and the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and 
starts to walk in.

A guy at the door says, "Sorry, sir, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The host says, "In that case, come on in."

The other guy says to himself, "What the heck," puts on a pair of dark glasses, 
and starts to walk in.

The host says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

"You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The host says, "A Chihuahua?"

Thinking quickly, the guy responds, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?!" 

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything 
you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his 
eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, the vet says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy." 

While a farm girl was milking a cow, a bull tore across the meadow toward her.

The girl did not stir, but continued milking. Observers, who had run to safety, 
saw to their amazement that the bull stopped dead within a few yards of the girl, 
turned round and walked sadly away.

"Weren't you afraid?" asked an observer.

"Certainly not," said the girl. "I happened to know this cow is his mother-in-law."

The woman's husband didn't care much for her cat and decided to get rid of it by 

driving the cat a couple miles away from their home and leaving it at a park.

When the man arrived home, he saw the cat walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to take the cat 10 miles away. He pulled over, put the cat on the 

ground and headed home. When he arrived home, there was the cat ambling up the driveway.

The man continued to take the cat farther and farther away, and the cat would always beat 

him home.

Finally, he had had enough. He grabbed the cat, got in the car and drove and drove. 

He turned tight, he turned left, he went over bridges, through tunnels, this way and that 

until he thought, surely this was far enough and put the cat out.

Hours later, the man called his wife. "Sweetheart," he said, "is the cat there?"

"Why, yes," she answered. "Why do you ask?"

Frustrated the man said, "Please put the thing on the phone. I'm lost and need directions." 

Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."

Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating 
the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"

Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"

Goldfish: "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish 
tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"

Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? 
HECK, no!"

Cat: "Why are these people in my house?" 

A dog thinks:
"Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, 
pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!"

A cat thinks:
"Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, 
pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!" 

10. E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."

9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

8. You find you've been subscribed to an e-zine from recreationalcatnip.org.

7. Your web browser's start page has been changed to: www.feline.com/.

6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it ... and a strange aroma of tuna.

5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of "CyberDog."

4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.

2. You get e-mail sent to the IronMouser@hotmail.com.

1. There are little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, 
jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets.

When your humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act 
as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the 
house for the damage.

Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly, but when they try to show 
it to a friend, stare at them blankly. 

When humans take you for a walk, sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as 
if the spot you choose will ultimately decide the fate of the earth. 

When out on a walk in a city, always pick the busiest most visible spot to go--especially 
if your human has forgotten to bring a plastic bag. 

When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human 
walks by. 

Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. 
Make them go and chase it once in a while. 

When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide until they think 
something terrible has happened to you. Then jump out loudly at them.

When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walking more and more 
slowly the closer you get to the door. 

Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take 
you out. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep 
after going outside.) 

Stray cats will not be fed.

Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.

Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.

Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, 
yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.

Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.

Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.

Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be 
given a name.

Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.

Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times.

Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in "y".

Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on 
the furniture.

Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good 
furniture.

Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen claws on new $114.99 
sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.

Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.

Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact plastic tray 
filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.

Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a three-panel 
privacy screen and plenty of head room.

Stray cats will sleep outside.

Stray cats will sleep in the garage.

Stray cats will sleep in the house.

Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.

Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic lamb's wool 
pillow.

Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.

Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.

Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.

Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers except at the foot.

Stray cats will not play on the desk.

Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.

Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk when the human is 
sdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier'puyykmm4hbdm9l o9jmdskdm,. USING IT.

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
--Anonymous

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
--Ann Landers

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.
--Will Rogers

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
--Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
--Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
--Andy Rooney

We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, 
dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made.
--M. Acklam

Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of 
pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
--Sigmund Freud

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
--Rita Rudner

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying 
down.
--Robert Benchley

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
--Franklin P. Jones

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to 
heaven, and very few persons.
--James Thurber

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
--Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost 
$21.00 in dog money.
--Joe Weinstein

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery 
store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the 
greatest hunters on earth!
--Anne Tyler

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the 
idea.
--Robert A. Heinlei

Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.
--Dave Miliman

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the 
principal difference between dog and man.
--Mark Twain

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and he the dog will give you a look that says 
"Wow! You're right! I never would've thought of that!"
--Dave Barry

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
--Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then 
giving Fido only two of them.
--Phil Pastoret

My goal in life is to be as good of a person as my dog already thinks I am.
--Unknown

George in Montgomery, AL 

A father gave his little girl a puppy for her birthday. Just an hour later he found a 
puddle in the middle of the kitchen floor.

He called out for his daughter, who came running into the kitchen, and asked her to 
explain why she wasn't watching her new dog.

She looked up and said simply, "My pup runneth over." 

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove 
the sports section, buy a dog.

If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you, 
buy a dog.

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not 
quite as good as his mother made it, buy a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you 
want, buy a dog.

If you want someone to scare away burglars, without a lethal weapon which terrifies you and 
endangers the lives of your family and all the neighbors, buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote and will sit next to you no matter what 
you watch, buy a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom 
you can push off if he snores, buy a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or 
ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of 
listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually, buy a dog.

But on the other hand If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you 
totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs 
around all night, only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence 
is solely to ensure his happiness, Then my friend, . . . Buy a cat.

1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash, brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Put cat outside, put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
12. Put magazines back on coffee table.
13. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
14. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
15. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
16. Clean up mess.
17. Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" soon. 

1. Wrap it in bacon. 

  Dear God, 
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are 
their priorities? 

Dear God, 
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story? 

Dear God, 
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, 
the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar 
riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but 
it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle! 

Dear God, 
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog? 

Dear God, 
Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps? 

Dear God, 
If we come back as humans, is that good, or bad? 

Dear God, 
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please. 

Dear God, 
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in? 

Dear God, 
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, 
beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans 
understand? 

Dear God, 
Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars 
for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street! 

Dear God, 
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize? 

Dear God, 
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what 
NOT to order? Or is it the carpets thing, again? 

Dear God, 
May I have my testicles back? 
 

  

        
 
          
 
          
 
            

              
Dogs are never permitted in the house.

                

              
              
The dog stays outside in the specially built wooden compartment 
                named for a very good reason, the dog house. 
                

                  
Ok, the dog can enter the house but only for short visits 
                    or if his own house is under renovation.
                  
Ok, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis provided 
                    his doghouse could be sold in a garage sale to a rookie dog 
                    owner. 

                    

                  
                
              
              
Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is 
                confined to a comfortable, but secure cage. 
                

                  
Ok, the cage becomes part of a "two for one" deal in the 
                    garage sale and the dog can go wherever the hell he pleases. 
                    

                    

                  
                
              
              
The dog is never allowed on the furniture. 
                

                  
Ok, the dog can get up on the old furniture, but not the 
                    new furniture.
                  
Ok, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks 
                    like the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole works, 
                    and buy new furniture on which the dog will most definitely 
                    not be allowed. 

                    

                  
                
              
              
The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period. 
                

                  
Ok, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed only.
                  
Ok, the dog can sleep along side you, but he is not allowed 
                    under the covers.
                  
Ok, the dog can sleep under the covers, but not with his 
                    head on your pillow.
                  
Ok, the dog can sleep along side you, under the covers with 
                    his head on your pillow, but if he snores, he's got to leave 
                    the room.
                  
Ok, the dog can sleep and snore and fart and have nightmares 
                    in your bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch 
                    in the TV room, where you're now sleeping. That's just not 
                    fair. 

                    

                  
                
              
              
The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaires as "primary 
                resident" even if it's true. 
            
            
Remember, in any and all house-hold interactions or disputes

              -- the dog rules ! 
          
        
      
 

I will stop trying to find the few remaining clean pieces of carpet in the house when I 
am about to throw up. 

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. 

I will not eat other animals' poop. 

I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop. 

I will not eat my own vomit. 

I will not eat "kitty box crunchies". 

I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing. 

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the 
dirty ones. 

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them. 

I will not chew crayons or pens, specially not the red ones, or my people will think I am 
hemorrhaging. 

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining 
outside. 

I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the 
toilet. 

I will not bark each time I hear a door bell on TV. 

I will not walk under the big dog when he is peeing. 

I will not steal Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it. 

I will not play tug-o'-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet. 

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps. 

My head does not belong in the refrigerator. 

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car 
registration. 

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. 

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge. 

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff. 

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house. 
 

My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished 
watching a horror movie. 

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium. 

I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the 
sink's drain. 

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the 
humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage. 

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box 
of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.) 

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after 
my human has finished watching The X-Files. 

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks. 

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes 
until she wakes up. 

We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the 
Serengeti over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep. 

Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself. 

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my 
head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the 
same thing again. 

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves. 

I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my bottom. 

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I 
will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my 
fur. 

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back. 

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check 
every door. 

Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to 
get the birds out. 

The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way 
when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it 
as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh. 

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or 
laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true. 

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them. 

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to 
do sit ups. 

When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock. 

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail. 

I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in 
her computer. 

Thoroughly clean the toilet. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, a
nd have both lids lifted. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the 
bathroom. 

In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to 
stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). 

CAUTION!!!!! 

Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out 
for any purchase they can find. 

Flush the toilet three or four times. 

Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the 
toilet and the outside door. 

Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. The now-clean cat 
will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself. 


Sincerely, 

The DOG 

I will not bathe my dog after he bathes himself in the mud puddle. 

I will not push my dog away when she wants a hug after playing in a mud puddle. 

I will not complain "My arm is tired" after only throwing the ball 20 times. 

I will not confuse my dog by throwing snowballs for him to fetch. 

I will not ask my dog to play fetch with a boomerang. 

I will not drag my dog away from the interesting sniffing spots. 

I will drop whatever I'm doing and take my dog out as soon as he asks me to. 

I will not tell my dog to hurry up already when he's looking for just the right spot to 
take care of business. 

I will not stare while my dog is doing his business. 

I will not feed the cat before I feed my dog. 

I will get rid of that cat. 

I will not bring home any more cats. 

I will never eat until my dog has tasted what I have and approved it for me. 

I will share everything I eat with my dog. 

I will set up the kiddie pool every day it's hot - even in December. 

I will not leave my dog at home any time I go in the car. 

I will allow my dog on the couch. 

I will protect my dog from that obnoxious little human thing at all times. 

I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things. 

I will not hide my dog's ball in a place where I know he couldn't possibly retrieve it 
from and then ask him to go get it. 

I will not take shredded, soggy, yummy tennis balls away from my dog. 

I will not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether my dog is a 
good watchdog. 

I will stop referring to my dog's necklace as her "collar." 

I will not cut my dog's nails. 

I will not abandon my dog for trivial reasons like "going to work". 

I will not wake my dog when I come home from work. 

I will not come home from work and feel the sofa to see if it is still warm from where my 
dog was sleeping "illegally". 

Bad weather is no excuse for not walking my dog. 

I will open the back door as soon as my dog sits by it. 

I will not laugh at my dog for being confused over not being able to find the lump of ice 
that he buried earlier. 

I will not run out of treats. (... see i-pets.com) 

I will always carry cookies and treats. 

I will not make my dog wear silly-looking antlers or red hats. 

I will not make my dog pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red suit. 

I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows all over my dog. 

I will not use decorations like tinsel that could be dangerous to my dog. 

I will try much harder to understand my dog's language. 
 

Did you ever wish you could have a hidden camera in your house so you could see what your 
pet is really doing while you are away from home? 

Perhaps you are foolish enough to think that your beloved pup or your darling kitty is 
patiently sitting by the door, waiting for your return.

Boy, are you wrong!

What your pets are really doing when they're home alone...

Decorating when you have pets can provide unique opportunities to express your own 
personal style and taste. Here are some tips I'd like to share: 

1. Bare floors, without carpet or throw rugs, can give a nice open feeling to a room. 
It can provide a soothing balance when you have many art objects that reflect your love 
of animals. 

2. Paw prints and nose smudges on glass doors and windows break up glare and soften the 
light in a room. 

3. Dog crates, when stacked three high, can add height to a room and pull the eye up. 
If fastened securely to the wall, the top can provide a safe and dramatic place for 
exotic plants or statuary that otherwise might be molested by your pets. An up light 
can make it a real focal point. Cats love to inhabit the upper crates, leaving the lower 
ones for the dogs. 

4. Old towels and blankets thrown casually on upholstered furniture can add a wonderful 
homey, country-quilt look to an otherwise bland room. 

5. Common smooth upholstery fabrics can look almost velvety when lightly textured with 
pet hair. 

6. Vari-kennels, placed end to end and topped with plate glass can create an unusual 
coffee table, one your friends will really remember. 

7. Doggie beds, randomly placed around a room, can add color and texture, much as throw 
pillows do. 

8. Shredded or chewed books and magazines send a message to guests that they are free to 
relax and feel at home. 

9. Dog crates can make versatile end tables, and can be slip covered to match any room 
decor. 

10. There is absolutely nothing that makes a guest feel as welcome as three friendly dogs 
hopping in his lap as soon as he sits down. 

So throw away those videos by Martha and others, and express your own unique tastes. 
Your home should reflect what YOU like! 
 

1. Gather presents, boxes, paper, etc. in middle of living room floor.

2. Get tape back from puppy.

3. Remove scissors from older dog's mouth.

4. Open box.

5. Take puppy out of box.

6. Remove tape from older dog's mouth.

7. Take scissors away from puppy.

8. Put present in box.

9. Remove present from puppy's mouth.

10. Put back in box after removing puppy from box.

11. Take scissors from older dog and sit on them.

12. Remove puppy from box and put on lid.

13. Take tape away from older dog.

14. Unroll paper.

15. Take puppy OFF box.

16. Cut paper being careful not to cut puppy's foot or nose that is getting in the way as he "helps."

17. Let puppy tear remaining paper.

18. Take puppy off box.

19. Wrap paper around box.

20. Remove puppy from box & take wrapping paper from its mouth.

21. Tell older dog to fetch the tape so he will stop stealing it.

22. Take scissors away from puppy.

23. Take tape older dog is holding.

24. Quickly tape one spot before taking scissors from older dog & sitting on them again.

25. Fend off puppy trying to steal tape & tape another spot.

26. Take bow from older dog.

27. Go get roll of wrapping paper puppy ran off with.

28. Take scissors from older dog who took them when you got up.

29. Give pen to older dog to hold so he stops licking your face.

30. Remove puppy from present & hurriedly slap tape on to hold the paper on.

31. Take now soggy bow from puppy & tape on since the sticky stuff no longer sticks.

32. Take pen from older dog, address tag & affix while puppy tries to eat pen.

33. Grab present before puppy opens it & put it away.

34. Clean up mess puppy & older dog made playing tug-of-war with remnants of wrapping paper.

35. Put away rest of wrapping supplies & tell dogs what good helpers they are.

The day is divided into two important sections: the all-important mealtime, and everything else.

I. Mealtime

1. Just because there does not seem to be anything visible around to eat certainly does not mean there is nothing around to eat. The act of staring at the underside of a table or chair on which someone else is eating sets in motion a chain of events that eventually results in food.

2. It goes without saying that you should carefully check the lower third of any space for edibles. Mouth-sized things which cannot be identified by sight or smell are considered gum.

3. When you actually receive a meal, submerge your head into it as you would a shower. Never, never look up again until a minimum of at least fifteen minutes after the obvious food is gone. This is important. Just because your dish is empty does not mean that it is time to stop eating.

4. Remember that all food is potentially yours up until the time that it is actually swallowed by another. The lengthy path a piece of food will take from a plate to a mouth via a hand is as good a time as any to stake your claim to it.

5. When it comes to selecting an appropriate beverage, location and packaging mean nothing. There are absolutely no exceptions to this rule.

6. If you really see something you want, and all your other attempts at getting it have failed, it is only right to grovel shamelessly. As a second tactic, stare intently at the object of your desire, allowing long gelatinous drools to leak like icicles from your lower lip.

II. Everything Else

1. There are really only two important facial expressions to bother with: complete and overwhelming joy and nothing at all.

2. Any time that is not meal time is potentially nap time. The best time to take a nap is when you hear your name being called repeatedly. The best location for a nap is dead center of any street or driveway. The most relaxing position is on your side, all four limbs parallel.

3. The most practical way to get dry is to shake violently near a fully clothed person. A second effective method is to stand on a light-colored piece of furniture.

4. Personal Safety
   • At the first hint of any irregular noise, run from room to room barking loudly. If someone actually comes into the house, rush over to them whether you know them or not. Then kiss them so violently that they lose their balance or have to force you away physically.

   • The greatest unacknowledged threat to life as we have come to know it is squirrels. No matter what you must do, make sure there are none in your yard.

5. Recreation and Leisure
   • Ball: There are two equally amusing sets of rules you will want to know.
     1. The Common Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and return it.

     2. The Preferred Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and eat it.

   • Car: As you know, any open car door is an invitation to get in. Once inside, your only goal is to try to get out.

6. Health: In the event of a trip to the doctor, always be on your guard. If you are vaccinated, urinate on the physician.

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves 
clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that 
works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking
it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind 
believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the 
kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that 
cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a person must face reality; when he must 
look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and 
announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some 
advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under you arm and 
head for the bathtub:

Know that although the cat has the advantages of quickness and utter 
disregard for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize 
on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in 
an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. 
If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in 
the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about 
to take a shower (a simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred 
a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift 
positions).

Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin 
from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to 
dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top 
construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey 
face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.

Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel 
when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. 
Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make 
sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the 
water. 

Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if 
to simply carry him to his supper dish (cats will not usually notice your 
strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he 
does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product-
testing experiment for J.C. Penney).

Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to your survival. 
In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub 
enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him 
with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats 
have no handles. 

Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically 
compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three 
seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to 
give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring 
free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off (the national 
record is - for cats - three latherings, so don't expect too much).

Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this 
part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this 
point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying 
is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by 
now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop 
the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait (occasionally, 
however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. 
If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to 
encourage him toward your leg).  After all the water is drained from the 
tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. 

Do NOT try to use a blow dryer. You might as well use a vacuum cleaner.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He 
will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot 
of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psycho-ceramic 
and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. 
As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure 
you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now 
he smells a lot better.

    - By Bud Herron

The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff even though
I haven't gotten the chance to rip the bag to shreds to see what was in it.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the
coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before I enter the house.

I will not eat the cat's food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet 
in the house when I am about to throw up or have an accident.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not roll on dead birds, rodents, roadkill, etc.

I will not lick my human's face after eating animal dung.

"Kitty box crunchies" are not food!

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the 
backyard or house depending on which end processes it first.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell him.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my 
people will think I am hemorraging.

I will not take whatever I please and hide it under the bed so my
people can have a scavenger hunt looking for it.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when 
it's raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell.  I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel.  Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's
driver's license and car registration.

I will not stand around Mom when she is cooking or when she is 
carrying her coffee, so she won't trip over me.

I will not beg for food at the supper table, and especially not
eat someone's food if they leave it for just a moment.

I will not tear up the patio furniture, or put holes in the screen
so I may jump in and lounge, just because I don't want to stay outside 
for more than two minutes.

I will not chase the cat and knock over breakable things in the process.

I will allow Mom and Dad some room and covers when we go to bed.

On the first day of creation, God created the dog. 

On the second day, God created man to serve the dog. 

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) 
to serve as potential food for the dog. 

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labour for the good of the 
dog. 

On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve 
it. 

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man 
broke. 

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog. 

Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those of us who 
have never had any success dieting, there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will 
also work on humans! 

Except for cats that eat like people - such as getting lots of table scraps - most cats 
are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck! 

DAY ONE

Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it costs more 
than .75 per can - and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room 
disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking 
off into the other room. 

Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet 
in your house. 

Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the 
rest to die. 

Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around 
the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning. 

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet 
and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your 
spouse/partner tries to read it. 

Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party 
on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf. 

Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch 
with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed. 

Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food - tuna or beef works well. 
Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly 
throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room. 

DAY THREE 

Breakfast:Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one 
is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find. 

Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with it on top of your down 
filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon 
it for someone else to have to deal with. 

Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. 
Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor. 

FINAL DAY 

Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, 
antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water 
up on your spouse's or partner's pillow. 

Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or 
partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in 
a corner and then abandon. 

Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is 
especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the 
actual meat to dry and get hard.