Coming to Terms

So let us see here, I just had to walk away from school the weekend before finals, and why?   Well nothing big just cancer and the prospect that I'm dying.  Well imagine my surprise.  On top of this of course I'm now sick as a dog and lying in a hospital bed. When doing so you get to thinking a lot, when you're coherent at least.  And I find I started to try to tackle the prospect that I might not make it out of that bed ever after.  I had wanted to refuse treatment however friends and family have more influence and control at times like these.  So there I lay thinking, am I really gonna die in this bed?

Coming to terms with the fact you might be passing on to another realm or whatever you happen to believe can be a difficult thing. I have no faith and I figure more than likely when I die I become as much ash or fertilizer.  But I like anyone else have hopes and dreams for this world.  And I guess not having any consolation theory of death I saw all those things I worked so hard in life for slipping away.  So what do you do in the face of such adversity?

Well I don't know about most people but I resign myself to fate and I started counting the days I lived.  Everyday I lived past April 7 or so I figured to be a victory.  And the reality is that I am a depressed guy so resigning myself to losing this life wasn't as hard as some of you might think.  I've contemplated suicide and misery often enough that it seemed like this might be a release from a life I could never bring myself to end.  And it was with this perspective of daily victories or fatalistic escape that I approached the news I would recieve. 

Thoughts and Revelations

Like I said you do a lot of thinking in a hospital bed, and sure you can come to terms with death but the questions dont end as a result.  I guess you could say I've always wondered if I was doing things right in my life.  I think at some point or another we all ask questions like that.  I had always tried to be honest and open and I had tried to live what i deemed to be a moral life.  I don't need a god figure to tell me what's right and wrong.  I know that I shouldn't hurt people and I believe people shouldn't hurt or limit me as long as i am doing no harm.  I guess to a degree it's a golden rule philosophy but you don't need a book to tell you about it.

But what if I had been wasting my life.  Not in trying to be a nice guy and all.  But perhaps in dedicating myself to my studies like I did and not breaking a couple laws and having a little fun.  I mean what if this was gonna be it for me and I would have to die not knowing what it was to have fun and to enjoy life.  Since I was about 13 i've been pretty much clinically depressed and a little insane.  I didn't take drugs for the depression and therapy doesn't help because I believe my depression to be grounded in realities which don't change because someone tells me to like myself.  The world to me is not a happy shiny place, I find that all people are shallow and most two faced and that's just the start.  So maybe I've been too cynical and devoted too much time to dry monotonous things instead of having a little fun.  Maybe I didn't deserve to live cause I never really did in the first place.

When all you do is think shit like that in the back of your head odd attitudes overcome you.  You get funny ideas about what you should do if you ever get out of that bed.  I started thinking I needed to get out of the apartment more and maybe break my addiction to the net and leave all those friends and the one I love behind.  Some thoughts said stop school find your happiness in simplicity like working at 7-11 and living just for the day and going pay check to pay check.  I think things such as that might be a little underrated of course this coming from a college student.  Another side said take some time off maybe travel or find a place somewhere that makes you happy and just have some fun.  And the reality is that I intend to do so but I figure some day I got to come back to Earth. 

So what is a guy to do?  I will be the first to admit that not everything in my life is the way I always imagined it.  And I don't have any form of ideal fulfillment, not by a long shot. But does that mean I cast aside what my life has been and the good things I do have going for me?

If you wish to continue by all means click here.  (if not who needs ya anyway get the hell outta here)

"Losing My Religion", REM, just cause at the time I had lost my entire world.  And I didnt know how to concieve of things anymore.