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To start with I don't know what I'm going to be doing about schooling right now. I figure I'll take a couple months off from the hustle and bustle of such things and do a little introspection. I think I'd like to continue my studies however I know I'm not ready to jump into that lifestyle again. I have to see what life would be like without school for a bit since I never really knew what that was since I jumped into college immediately. I think this is my opportunity to relax a bit and maybe even find out a little about what I want out of life, now that I have a new appreciation for it.
One of the questions I posed myself is whether or not the life I have been living is one of value. This calls into question almost everything I've been living for. Perhaps this life of a scholar is the wrong choice and at times I have often wondered would I not be happier working at a gas station. Maybe I'll see some indication of what really makes me happy or perhaps I'll find that the things I had faith in were right all along.
The prospect that intrigued and frightened me most is the idea of changing what I am and more importantly perhaps, who I associate with. Is it possible that I could change who I am or that I could burn my bridges and make new bonds. It's an interesting prospect to start anew and to build new support networks and make new friends. To fundamentally change who I am and with whom I run poses a major challenge to what I am. The adventurous side of me is all for such an idea because it sees a chance to perhaps achieve something totally new and maybe even find true happiness, which has evaded me up until now. But there is a counter point to be made here, an argument for maintaining those things I hold dear and building upon what I've worked up until now to achieve. I do have good friends despite their faults and short comings. And I have a wonderful woman who I love more than anything else in this world. But could I somehow have more if I started anew? The real question is whether or not there is a future in the life I've been lving, or if it's destined to remain the depressing and unfulfilling one I've known for so long?
And that question I can't answer. In truth I think I've lived similarly for a good long time now. However recenlty this life has treated me pretty well, despite my complaints to the contrary. So maybe the real answer is something in between the two extremes. I learned a long time ago that there are some people in my life that I just can't walk away from, in fact it's hard to just be away from them for long periods of time. And there is a certain faith I have in love and friendships I have, especially after weathering this experience. And only a fool walks away from love and a person who fulfills needs in him he never knew he had. So I'm pretty damn sure I'm not going anywhere, except maybe forward (however parking has its virtues). The lesson I think I'm going to apply is to go for those things I desire most and not to fear the consequences as much as I once did. I want more out of life that I have no doubts of. Now it's just a matter of being a little bolder and maybe more direct in going about getting those things. But remembering the people and things that make me who I am and that make me happy. Striving for the dreams but not foresaking the realities. |
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