- *I've Learned...*
- *The Shape Women Are In*
- *Women have strengths that amaze men...*
- *A Beverly Hillbillies Parody of Bill & Monica*
- *Funny Pickup Lines*
- *Sure Signs That You're A Child Of The 80's*
- *I've Learned...*
I've learned -
That you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
I've learned -
That no matter how much you care, some people just don't care back.
I've learned -
That it takes years to build up trust, but only seconds to destroy it.
I've learned -
That it's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts.
I've learned -
That you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you'd better know something.
I've learned -
That you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do, but to the best you can do.
I've learned -
That it's not what happens to us that's important. It's what we do about it.
I've learned -
That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I've learned -
That no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides.
I've learned -
That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I've learned -
That it may be easier to react than to plan ahead, but it's much less effective.
I've learned -
That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I've learned -
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I've learned -
That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I've learned -
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I've learned -
That regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, passion fades and there had better be something stronger to take its place.
I've learned -
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I've learned -
That learning to forgive takes practice.
I've learned -
That there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it.
I've learned -
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I've learned -
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.
I've learned -
That just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I've learned -
That maturity has more to do with the experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I've learned -
That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned -
That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned -
That no matter how badly your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I've learned -
That background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned -
That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other, and just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I've learned -
That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I've learned -
That your life can be changed in a matter of seconds by people who don't even know you.
I've learned -
That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
I've learned -
That the paradigm we live in is not all that is offered to us.
I've learned -
That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
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- *The Shape Women Are In*
Did you know....
If shop mannequins were real women, THEY'D BE TOO THIN TO MENSTRUATE.
There are 3 billion women who don't look like supermodels and ONLY 8 WHO DO.*** We know this one!
Marilyn Monroe wore a SIZE 12.
If Barbie were a real woman, she'd have to walk on all fours due to her proportions.
The average American woman weighs 144 lbs. and wears between a size 12 and 14.
One out of every 4 college aged women has an eating disorder.
The models in the magazines are airbrushed-THEY'RE NOT PERFECT!!
A psychological study in 1995 found that 3 minutes spent looking at models in a fashion magazine caused 70% of women to feel depressed, guilty and shameful.
Models who twenty years ago weighed 8% less than the average woman, today weigh 23% less.
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- *Women have strengths that amaze men...*
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens...but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend after a snowy drive home.
Woman friends keep secrets you told them years ago and never bring it up again.
Women have special qualities about them.
They volunteer for good causes.
They are pink ladies in hospitals, they bring food to shut ins.
They are child care workers, executives, attorneys, stay at home moms, biker babes and your neighbors.
They wear suits, they wear jeans, they wear uniforms.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up for injustice.
They are in the front row at PTA meetings.
They vote for the person that will do the best job for family issues.
They walk and talk the extra mile to get their children in the right schools and for getting their family theright health care.
They write to the editor, their congressmen and to "the powers that be" for things that make for a better life.
They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.
They can wipe a tear, cover a cut and pat you on the back at the same time.
They eat a little so their family can have more.
They rush to school to pick up a sick child.
They stick a love note in their husband's lunch box.
They do without new shoes so that their children can have them.
They go to scout meetings and are chaperones on class trips.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They don't make excuses for defending their family or friends.
They give a friend some money in times of trouble.
They love unconditionally.
They are loyal, honest and forgiving.
They are smart, knowing that knowledge IS power.
But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.
Their world consists of goodness, love and caring.
Women want to be the best for their family, their friends and themselves.
They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.
They get teary eyed when others do great things.
They save their anger for the unjust and the insincere.
They tell people that need to be told to straighten up their act.
They lend a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen and a voice to make suggestions.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They have so much sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is not any strength left.
They can control situations that seem uncontrollable.
They can round up energy when they are tired.
They can stay up a little longer to talk to someone that needs a friend.
They will rush to be by your side when you are lonely.
They will give up their favorite TV show to help with homework or read a bedtime story.
A woman's touch can cure any ailment.
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
She can make a romantic evening unforgettable.
She can bring out the best in her husband, children and friends.
They don't mind standing in the shadows.
They are not there to push, but to gently encourage.
They are cheerleaders, teachers, loves and important in many peoples daily lives.
They can whisper a kind word, scream a loud cheer and laugh away a fear.
They can mend your broken spirit and give you back your self-esteem.
They can knit a family back together after a break or a loss.
Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes.
They live in homes, apartments, cabins and trailers.
They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
They have hearts that forgive and forget an injustice.
They have hearts that remember a kindness.
They have hearts that beat with loyalty and love.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin.
They can cry and laugh at the same time.
They can be sad and hopeful at the same time.
Women do more than just give birth.
They bring joy and hope.
They teach us to dream and make goals.
They give compassion and ideals.
They climb into a persons life and make everything better again.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.
Women are leaders, but don't want followers.
They want people to grow into the best person they can be
They want to touch you in a way that will make you share your goodness with others.
One touch can turn a bad day into a better one.
One extra minute of her time will make a child feel special.
One more kiss will make her husband feel loved.
Women have a lot to say and a lot to give.
After God made Adam, He improved by making Eve.
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- *A Beverly Hillbillies Parody of Bill & Monica*
(Beverly Hillbillies melody)
Well dere once was a story 'bout a man named Bill;
Da poor president couldn't keep his willie still;
Den one day he was workin' at his desk,
When in walks Monica and shows da boy her chest...
Boobs, that is. Two of 'em. Bodacious ta ta's.
Well da next thing ya know, Monica is on her knees,
Mouth open wide and as happy as you please;
Bill sez, "oh yeah now-don't say a thing,"
"If you do a good job then we'll have a little fling."
Blow job, that is. Phalli osculation.
Well, Bill lost his load and it fell upon her dress,
He said, "Clean it up, 'cuz you really are a mess,
And you're invited here to dis fine locality,
To have a heapin' helpin' of little Willie C."
Da wiener, that is. Da presidential staff.
So week after week, Monica is on her knees
Keepin' Willie and his Wiener just as happy as you please,
But then she figured out dat the fling had gone too far,
And she blabbed it all to Linda Tripp who blabbed it all to Starr.
Bad girl, that is. Cigars. Bodacious ta ta's.
Well it weren't too long till we all knew the score,
'bout da stuff dat went down behind da oval office door;
Da country's in da toilet and da people cry, "No More"
But if we oust da cheatin' jerk, den we gotta live with Gore.
Boob, that is. Great big one. Head stuck up his rear.
So now ya know da story 'bout Bill our president,
Wonderin' if dis fling's gonna cost him every cent;
So da moral of da story is to do it quietly,
And stay outta trouble with dat bitch named Hillary.
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- *Funny Pickup Lines*
1. Hey baby, why don't you sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first thing that POPS up!!!
2. (motion for girl to come here with one finger), "If I can make you come with this finger, imagine what I could do with all five!"
3. Nice shoes, wanna screw?
4. If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?
5. Screw me if I'm wrong....but haven't we met before?
6. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
7. I wanna use your thighs as earmuffs.
8. Are those real?
9. I may not be Fred Flintstone but I sure can make your bed rock.
10. (offer guy/girl a screw) wanna screw?
11. Ya know, that shirt is very becoming on you......of course, if I was on you, I'd be cumming too.
12. The word of the day is LEGS, so let's go to my house and spread the word.
13. The only place I want to go is south of the border.
14. Hey you want to know what I heard about you? Screw me and I'll tell you.
15. Why don't you come over and we can do math in the bed; add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and I'll multiply.
16. What's a nice girl like you doing on a face like this?
17. Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
18. Mmmmmmm, you bring new meaning to the word "edible"
19. So, do you want to see something really swell?
20. Excuse me but is your last name "Gillette"......cause you are the best a man can get!
21. Hey baby.....can you suck a golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose?
22. My shirt's chaffing me.....
23. Excuse me miss, do you give head to strangers? (No) Well, then, allow me to introduce myself
24. They call me Milk, because I do your body good.
25. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
26. Hey baby, wanna wrestle.
27. Hi, do you want to have children? (assuming the answer is no) Ok then, can we just practice?
28. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
29. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
30. They say the best things in life are free.... they lied (but I do accept American Express)
31. This Valentines Day, I really want you to know how I feel.....So you better use both hands.
32. You can feel the magic between us......No, lower!
33. You're on my mind this Valentine's Day.....I'd prefer you on my bed.
34. This Valentine's Day I want you to know that I'm head-over-heels for you....and I know some other positions too.
35. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
36. You have 250 bones in your body, want another?
37. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
38. Hey baby, can i tickle your belly from the inside?
39. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
40. Girl, if you were a porch I'd take out all the nails and screw ya.
41. Yo baby, I bust more nuts than a squirrel.
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- *Sure Signs That You're A Child Of The 80's*
Do you remember Strawberry Shortcake? Wuzzles? Pogo Balls? He-Man and She-Ra?
How about Fraggle Rock? ALF? If you can answer yes to any of these questions,
congratulations! You are a child of the '80's!
You probably woke up in the morning and ate Fruity Marshmallow Krispies and
drank Tang. Maybe you listened to Madonna, the Bangles, or Bon Jovi on the
radio while you were getting ready for school. You skipped off to school with
your Cabbage Patch Kid lunchbox, if you were a girl anyway. If you were a
boy, maybe you rode to school on a BMX bike with your Thundercats lunchbox in
tow. Your mom always made you a Fluffernutter sandwich, with a Hunts Snack
Pack (those little pudding snacks), a Frito Lay Snack Pack, and maybe some
chicken soup in your Thermos. And a juice box, of course! You always brought
your Trapper Keeper!
At school you were bombarded with "Just Say No" propaganda. Maybe you watched
with awe right in your classroom as the Challenger took off, and cried out in
fear and confusion when it exploded. You were taught about "diversity". And
you loved the playground!
Ronald Regan was president, Micheal Jackson was the coolest guy around, and
everyone was really into hairspraying their hair until it was practically
vertical. The bad perm was in. Neon colors and flashy-looking clothes were
everywhere. Remember Cyndi Lauper? You might have watched MTV after school,
back in the days when it was still about music videos, not about inane
gameshows, "reality" based shows, and moronic cartoons. Your favorite video
could have been Weird Al's "Like a Surgeon" or even Prince's "Purple Rain".
When you went to the movies, you watched Teen Wolf or Back To The Future.
Maybe you made your mom and dad sit through both Care Bears movies. Microwave
popcorn was in. Did you ever sneak microwave popcorn into the theatre instead
of paying for movie theatre popcorn?
On Saturday mornings, you woke up extra early to watch Foofur and Pee-wee's
Playhouse. Or the Pound Puppies show. Do you remember the theme song to
Flintstone Kids? But your favorite TV shows were probably the family-oriented
sitcoms that came on later at night: The Cosby Show, Family Ties, ALF, Punky
Brewster. You probably watched a lot of Nickelodeon too. You Can't Do That On
Television, Belle and Sebastian, and even DangerMouse and Pinwheel. If you
were really well-to-do, you might have even got cable, like the Disney
Channel or HBO. Do you remember Welcome to Pooh Corner, Dumbo's Circus, and
Kids Incorporated? And on HBO there was always Fraggle Rock to watch. Those
Doozers, Gorgs, and Fraggles living together was pretty interesting to watch..
And don't forget the wisdom of the Trash Heap! ("The Trash Heap has spoken,
nyahhhh!") And if you didn't have cable, there were still muppets to be found
on Sesame Street and The Muppet Show. I bet you remember the theme song to
The Muppet Show. There was even a show about Muppet Babies!
You ate lots of Doritos and Oreos, and drank lots of Coke. Did you drink New
Coke, Cherry Coke, or Classic Coke? You were constantly bombarded with
advertising choices. Would it be McDonald's or Burger King? I bet you chose
McDonalds, because the older kids called Burger King "Booger King". Coke or
Pepsi? Probably Coke, because of those cool Max Headroom commercials. And
what about those Chester Cheetah commercials? You probably were dying to know
if the Trix Rabbit would ever get those Trix! M&M's still had light brown,
and there was no green or blue! And Crest came out with a pump kind of
toothpaste!
You probably played with Care Bears and Cabbage Patch Kids. And collected
Garbage Pail Kids! If you are a boy, you probably loved He-Man, Transformers,
and radio-controlled cars. If you are a girl, you probably loved Rainbow
Brite, Popples, and My Little Ponies. Did you have a Teddy Ruxpin? How about
a Rub-A-Dub-Doggie? And you liked to play games like Trivial Pursuit,
CandyLand, Mouse Trap, Clue, or Hungry Hungry Hippos. Trouble was always fun
too. Did you think the Pop-A-Matic Bubble was cool? You might have even
learned how to skateboard or Pogo Ball. You probably had a Big Wheel though.
Did you have a Skip-It?
You made delicious snow-cones with your Snoopy Snow-cone Machine. And you
lived for Light Brite. I bet you thought the 64 Crayola Crayon box with
sharpener was the most deluxe thing you'd ever seen. Nintendo's Super Mario
Bros. was the hottest game in town, and everyone loved to go down to the
local video arcade and play Hogan's Alley, or Pacman, or Q-Bert.
After a long tough day of being a kid, you were exhausted. You probably hated
going to sleep so early, as most kids do. And you always felt like you missed
"the really good TV shows". You brushed your teeth with your special Muppet
Babies toothbrush, using sparkly Crest For Kids toothpaste, and went off to
bed. You charged up your Glo-Worms each night, so they'd glow like night
lights as you fell asleep under your Garfield comforter…
We are the Children of the Eighties. We are not the first "lost generation"
nor today's lost generation; in fact, we think we know just where we stand -
or are discovering it as was we go.
We are the ones who played with Legos when they were just building blocks
and gave Malibu Barbie crew-cuts with safety scissors that never really cut.
We collected Garbage Pail Kids, Cabbage Patch Kids, My Little Ponies, Hot
Wheels, and He-Man action figures. I thought She-Ra looked just a little bit
like I would when I was a woman. Big Wheels and bicycles with streamers were
the way to go, and sidewalk chalk was all you needed to build a city.
Imagination was the key. It made the Ewok Tree-house big enough for you to
be Luke and the kitchen table and an old sheet dark enough to be a tent in
the forest. Your world was the backyard and it was all you needed. With your
pink portable tape player, Debbie Gibson sang back up to you and everyone
wanted a skirt like the Material Girl and a glove like Michael Jackson's.
Today, we are the ones who sing along with Bruce Springsteen and The
Bangles perfectly and have no idea why. We recite lines with the Ghostbusters
and still look to The Goonies for a great adventure. We flip through T.V.
stations and stop at The A-Team and Knight Rider and Fame; we laugh with The
Cosby Show and Family Ties, Punky Brewster and "Wha'sho talkin' 'bout
Willis?". We hold strong affections for The Muppets and The Gummy Bears and
why did they take The Smurfs off the air? After school specials were only
about cigarettes and step-families, the Pokka Dot Door was nothing like
Barney, and aren't the Power Rangers just Voltron reincarnated?
We are the ones who still read Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys, the Bobbsey
Twins, Beverly Clearly and Judy Blume, Richard Scary and the Electric
Company. Friendship bracelets were ties you could not break and friendship
pins went on shoes - preferably hightop Velcro Reeboks and pegged jeans were
in, as were Units belts and layered socks and jean jackets and jams and charm
necklaces and side pony tails and just tails. Rave was a girl's best friend;
braces with colored rubber-bands made you cool. The backdoor was always open
and Mom served only red Kool-Aid to the neighborhood kids- who never drank
New Coke. Entertainment was cheap and lasted for hours. All you needed to be
a princess was high heels and an apron; the Sit'n'Spin always made you dizzy
but never made you stop; Pogo Balls were dangerous weapons and Chinese Jump
Ropes never failed to trip someone. In your Underoos you were Wonder Woman or
Spider Man or R2D2 and in your tree-house you were king.
In the Eighties, nothing was wrong. Did you know the president was shot?
Star Wars was not only a movie. Did you ever play in a bomb shelter? Did you
see the Challenger explode or feed the homeless man? We forgot Vietnam and
watched Tiananman Square on CNN and bought pieces of the Berlin Wall at the
store. AIDS was not the number one killer in the United States. We didn't
start the fire, Billy Joel. In the Eighties, we redefined the American Dream,
and those years defined us. We are the generation in between strife and
facing strife and not turning our backs. The Eighties may have made us
idealistic, but it's that idealism that will push us and be passed on to our
children - the first children of the twenty-first century.
Never forget: We are the Children of the Eighties.
YOU ARE A CHILD OF THE 80'S IF: You know what a "burnout" is.
You know what "Sike" means. You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax
off".
You know that another name for a keyboard is a "Synthesizer".
You can name at least half of the members of the elite"Brat Pack".
You know who Tina Yothers is. You wanted to be a Goonie.
You felt ashamed when Rob Lowe got in trouble for sex with minors and
videotaping it, because you liked him. You know who Max Headroom is.
You ever wore flourescent, neon if you will, clothing.
You could breakdance, or wish you could.
You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.
You Believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power!"
Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away.
You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.
You wanted to be on StarSearch.
You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off.
You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth, or knew someone who
did.
You owned a doll with 'Xavier Roberts' signed on it's ass,or knew someone
who did.
You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout". You HAD to have your MTV
You hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the Future".
You know where to go if you "wanna go where everybody knows your name".
You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool.
You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie.
You heard of Garbage Pail Kids.
You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called"Prince".
You actually saw Ted Danson as the MacDaddy he played "Sam" to be.
You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.
You own any cassettes.
You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon.
You remember And/or own any of the CareBear Glass collection from Pizza Hut..
Or any other stupid collection they came out with.
Poltergeist freaked you out.
You carried you lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.
You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.
You know what a Doozer is.
You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish, or knew
someone who did. You ever had a Swatch Watch.
You had a crush on one of the Coreys (Haim or Feldman), or knew someone who
did.
You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
You had WonderWoman or Superman underoos. You know what a "Whammee" is.
You had a crush on Jon Bon Jovi, or knew someone who did.
If you can identify with at least half of this list then you, my friend, are
a "Child of the 80's".
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