It's been a while since I have actually sat down and written a web page based on a thought that I had. I was just sitting on the windowsill of my dorm room window with a text book in my lap, staring out at whats left of our pond and thinking about stuff. As usual when I think about stuff, it is in the form of "stream of consciousness", and I find myself drifting from one thing to the next in a cluttered, patternless manner. This page is my attempt at putting some of those thoughts into words.
One of the things that I realized was how much more I like myself now, up here at college, than I ever did in high school. I'm generally happier and more responsible overall, and I even find myself wanting to learn more than I ever cared to learn back then. I think the reason for that is partly because I'm forced to take care of myself up here, whereas at home, my mom basically does everything for me. She has that type of personality, you can't help but love, where doing things for the people she loves makes her happier than anything else in the world. I love her for that, don't get me wrong, but it doesn't really help me to learn to do things for myself. It's not even her fault, really. Because she offers to teach me things all the time. But there's something about being home that makes me extremely lazy. I never feel like doing anything, or even getting off the couch.
Living at home, I sometimes feel like I'm in a box. I eat when my mother puts food in the box. I sleep when the lights go out around my box. I can think about things at late hours when the usual noise generated by the rest of my family is shut down for the night. Occasionally I can leave the box to meet with friends, however, it somehow feels like I'm still trapped inside. Like it's still attatched to me somehow, and it pulls me back in at a certain hour. I love the security and protection of being inside the box, yet there's only so much room in there. Not quite enough to grow. It's like an article of clothing that you wear for years, and then suddenly it doesn't fit anymore. The shedding of the box becomes neccessary in order to find yourself and become and adult.
College, no matter how far
away or close to home, is like a sacred ground that burns all boxes as
you step onto the campus. Living away from our parents, we are forced
to take care of ourselves. We go to the store for ourselves when
there is something we need. We are responsible to eat when our bodies
request food, sleep when our bodies become tired, and wake up on our own
to go to class in the mornings. When we are sick, we are forced to
take care of ourselves. There is no one to tell us how to act or
what to do or where to go. We are free to be ourselves and break
away from all high school conformities. We meet people from different
cultures and learn things from eachother that can never be taught in a
text book or even in a home from a family who has lived in the same town
their entire lives. College, to me, is a place of growth.