1/11/03 (3 am)
10 things I decided i dont like tonight
1. I hate having to read so much. No matter how much professors think of K students, several hundred pages a night is just not good for you
2. I dislike the 50 billion messages I get on the GLBTSO listserv everday. It's false hope that someone is actually emailing ME! Not just telling whoever made a happy face that the happy face is such a cute little GLBT happy lovie. Nonetheless i dont have the heart to ask to be removed... maybe there will be some info i need one of these times.
3. I hate watching movies and seeing people kiss. At least i dont physically jolt at the experience of seeing it on the screen anymore... i only bolt back in time to a certain moment. Too many emotions there.
4. I don't like random crushes, cause i'll never have a chance anyway.
5. And I REALLY dont like people telling me how great my random crushes are. He's such a great guy josh. An all around great guy, not to mention you think he looks like what a god should look like. you should talk to him..... i think not. I'm better off not even attempting to speak if he gets anywhere near me
6. I dont like not liking people. It makes me feel bad... even if i do think they are quite scary, because god knows someone has to be thinking the same thing about me. (see #s 4&5)
7. Puking is a bad thing. Especially when you have to wait it out because inducing vomiting just doesn't seem to be one of your natural talents
8. I hate hate hate hate being so paranoid. I must have done something wrong. She didn't smile. He didn't talk as long as he usually does. surely they hate me
9. I hate not have enough drive, perseverence, or anything for that matter, to achieve what i want. Am i destined to be this way? forever? save me
10. Not being able to think clearly... or remember what you were going write. Its just not helpful.
night night yall
--josh
12/31/02
Whewwww… So I’m just a little over sensitive. I’m working on that though. It seems the only time I write here is when I get upset, because then I actually have initiative to do something, or I need to get it out, so there it went. I’m not plagued with clinical depression (I think hehe), and I don’t mean to go off the deep end every once in a while. Things just get to me sometimes, like I imagine they get to other people. Especially me when I become just as the astrologists say… moody. I’m a cancer. What can you expect? ;)
I guess I’ve been dealing with things lately that have not turned out anything at all like I had first hoped with college, people, and many other situations. I wouldn’t say I’m a person stuck in my ways, but I’m a very steadfast person usually when it comes to my ideals… and sometimes ideas. I’m usually only persuaded by logic, but emotion is rarely logic for me. (which leads to problems…let me tell ya!)
So sometimes I feel great. College is fun… for the most part. 89.9 percents that don’t round up get rather annoying quite fast, but other than that the people are cool. I’ve made some awesome friends over the last year. Got to know some people better, and I think that’s a good accomplishment for me. It makes me happy at least!
New Years is tonight. Not sure exactly what I’m doing. A friend said he has a lot to think about. I’m thinking about following his lead and get some time somewhere cool to just think. Maybe tomorrow night will be good.
I just wanted to write because the last two entries have been like a catharsis of my self pity I guess. But its all good.
Happy New Year to you all. I wish you the best!
josh
12/28/02
Well fuck… That about sums it up. Ever been in one of those situations where nothing you do is right, nothing you can do will be right, but you try anyway and you just screw yourself and hurt yourself while you’re at it. Ever been so confused you don’t even know why you’re hurt anymore or if you’re really hurt at all or if you’re really happy or just ok and you just don’t know it, and pretty much anything can make you cry, whether its happy or sad, or neither.
It’s pretty screwed up when the only thing that makes you feel good is to be there for people, but they don’t want you to be there, can’t stand for you to be there, because you can’t do anything right anyway. I can only hurt them if I feel good and if they feel good, well that’s when they don’t have to think about me. And, no I’m not just talking about one person… a dangerous assumption. “Get a life outside of school” Why? The only experience I’ve had with that is that it fucking sucks. I try… I get knocked down. I know even writing this people will get pissed. It stings.
So maybe I’ll just drop everything and pick myself up somwhere else. Concentrate on school cause it’s what I have and what I know how to fix and I know it will be there. Who knows, maybe I’ll become one of those heartless lawyers with a chip on his shoulder. Or maybe I’ll learn something. Who knows. So if you’re talking to me and I’m being pissy I’m sorry. I’m trying.
josh
9/28/02
Mistakes…
Its so funny that I get so wrapped up in my own little world that even when I try to look at it from somonebody else’s perspective it so warped, and then I make bad decisions from my clouded pointed of view. I guess its another one of my bad personality traits -- assuming I know enough of everything to know everything and whats better not just for me, but also other people. I get so wrapped up I forget to take a look around see what I’m doing, or rather what I’m destoying, and that I hurt various people who would have rather not gotten hurt (can you blame them) and then they end up regetting the decisions they make to have even get to know me. And again I don’t blame them.
For me, I think I need to cool my jets and just be me and not worry about so many things. I’ve been so ‘grade school’, so juvenile, that I make myself nauseous thinking about the person I am and the things I’ve done. I’m apt to complain about the things I want and the things that didn’t happen, but compared to the ordeals I’ve caused for people knowing me, the complaints seem more than a little trite in most respects. But still I do it of course. I told you I don’t know when to stop…
Maybe its because I watch too many movies and live my life accordingly. The guy who alway holds out longer will eventually get the person of his dreams, he just has to wait long enough and try hard enough. Afterall, Success is virtuous, isn’t it? Probably a poor way to think about it… but oh well. Buenas noches.
Josh
8/26/02
Ok…I just want to SCREAM, but it wouldn’t do me any good, so I wont :)
I try to be honest and very forward with people and it just screws things up. Why I even try anymore I’m not sure. Too many people to seem to be upset with me and so many things are changing that it makes me get this knot in my stomach and, without exagerating, the feeling that I am on a rollercoaster just at the point when your rushing down a free fall right before you just loose it. Hmmm, I wasn’t intending for that to be metaphoric but it works.
I think its time to take a deep breath, salvage of myself what I can, and leap into the next part of my life. I want to fix friendships and take them as that. Just friendships and figure new things out as they come along. It’s hard to let go but harder to carry on like this. I don’t like it, not one bit.
Once you let go it just goes. Maybe I can pick it up later.
I just had to rant.
--josh
8/13/02
At risk of sounding the like ultimate dork… I wish I was Harry Potter. Wouldn’t life be great cause I mean, no matter what you know you’re going to survive, when people look at you they think ‘wow’ and it couldn’t hurt in helping find a boy. I could do a few magic tricks. They might be impressed – atleast I could do something impressive that way. I think I would like to talk to Dumbledore too. I think Harry Potter doesn’t talk to him nearly enough. I mean the man’s a genius I’m sure he wouldn’t mind a little chat here and there. Could be interesting.
So what brought this up? Well, you’re probably think I’m a bigger dork than you already think I am, but I think I’m a geek and geeks are better. I like geeks, so when you read this keep in mind I’m a bigger geek than a dork? Ok… so where was I?… Well Rob and I (my roomate who’s a dork also) were talking about Hermione’s activism with the house elves. We got on this whole big argument about freedom and social evolution, the pros and cons etc… and it was like we were discussing things for real. I guess we were sorta cause the theories applied to more than Harry Potter. But incase you were wondering, I know I sound insane. Life is playground I guess. Hehe I wonder what the monkey bars in life are?
What a life I lead… I need to change some things, or maybe not. I’m too freakin paranoid about what everyone thinks about me. I guess there are two ways of measuring yourself. Through your eyes, or through others. But which one is really better? If the measure was through one’s own eyes, then Hitler would have thought himself a saint. And through others eyes we see mother theresa was a saint. Would she have really thought so? I don’t know, maybe I suppose. Maybe I need a good mix then. Oh screw it… whatever then.
Ok.. well you probably had enough of this randomness. I’ll let you get back to your busy lives, ‘cause lord knows if you’re here reading this you have so many more pressing things to do. Well take care all of you! Ha! :)
Why is everyone so damn much more insightful than I am? errr anyhooo...
Josh for President in 2020!
--josh
8/10/02
So I only seemed to have disappeared. I’ve been meaning to write for a long time actually, but now is the first time that I’m making myself after a friend mentioned this yesterday. The truth is that I felt that I mostly had complaints, most of them probably petty compared to the ones others are facing now, so I was reluctant (and still am) to start this little bit again – but here I am.
So woohooo… where do I start? The boys USTA National Championships are going on here. It makes me wish I had taken up tennis. I’m not as obsessed as Lexy and Co. think though. I’ve only really gotten out to see one game. The guy I watched was asian. Certain associations put knots in my stomach… go figure. Call me lazy, but I should be out there to watch a few more at the end. I don’t know that much about tennis, but it could still be very pleasing to watch. :)
I got back from my trip to California a while ago. It was nice. It was the first time I’d been out to California for a somewhat happy occasion in quite a while. Seeing family when you’re not all going to a funeral makes things a bit more cheerful. Besides, my family isn’t all that bad. My mom’s sisters are awesome. They are so really fun people with very distinct personalities. They always manage to make things interesting, especially when they all get together and tequila’s involved…watch out! I stayed with my grandmother also while I was there. My dad’s side of the family is pretty conservative, and, as most of you probably know, I most definitely am not (yet some people on campus insist I am very very conservative… I don’t get it). As soon as I told them I would probably major in political science I was attacked and I feared I would not live to get that major, and that was keeping my mouth shut! I know a loosing battle when I see one. The only person I choose to take those on with really are my father. I’m more polite to the other relatives. My grandmother told me that if I were a policy maker she would never vote for what I proposed, but that she still loves me. Haha how’s that for encouragement? The questions I get from some of my family members make me really uncomfortable though. Again, if you know me you probably know that I do not like to lie, at all. So when questions about girlfriends and living with 7 girls in a house next year come up and WHY? or WHY NOT? gets rather annoying. I don’t know, I’m not quite ready to come out the rest of my family yet though. I am out, and nothing really bothers me too much here on campus in Kalamazoo, but once I get out of here I get really nervous for some reason. I think I do a pretty good job of sticking up for myself though. Errrr what a crazy world…. But anyway…
All of you who are reading this can vote for me in 2020 for president! So many reasons why… you wont be sorry. I promise.
I was reading this guys website last night. It was pretty good. Good design and all that. Seeing as mine is just text, it kinda sucks, but what can I say? I’m lazy.
I wonder what will happen in my life that might make it better. I’m not sure if I just waiting for something that I’m not going to get, and wondering if the small taste of what I wanted (cly) was one of those flukes that wasn’t supposed to happen. Those things are dreams, and definitely nothing close to the reality I’m living now. I’m all messed up really, and I’m so confused—I’m not supposed to be though. It seemed like I had my head on straight just a while ago. Now it seems like it’s fallen off and lost, and now I’m stuck in some weird place waiting for me to find myself so I can move on. I just can’t move on, and can’t convince myself I should. I guess I had fair warning about all of this. It was worth it though.
But I could be just oversensitive and silly. I’m known for that.
Anyway…. I’ll try to write more often. No promises. Hasta entonces…
joshua
6/29/02
So call me inspired, or maybe just bored, but now that I actually have time I’m going to start a journal again. As I’ve said before I simply cant write for myself, I don’t know why… and I don’t know who or why anybody would be reading this either. Has curiosity gotten the best of you that you would want to listen to my random rants and complaints? You must be more bored than I just sitting once again trying this out.
Oh my. So many things going on in my head. Wishing this carrot was something good. (lexy… don’t be a perv!) hmmm…
Summer is kinda boring here in Kalamazoo. I’ve been told part of that can be contributed to my own boringness and not getting out and doing this which I guess is true. I just don’t know what to do exactly. Almost all the friends I’ve made throughout the year are gone, which leaves me to find other people hang out with before I loose my mind. I don think I’m the best person for that… im always so quiet and its hard for me to get out of that. And when I do happen to do something with someone the paranoia I experience is pathetic. I don’t want anyone to dislike me, which -- of course -- is inevitable. And why do I have so many problems talking to boys?! Seriously… I think I need work on that. Anybody that I find remotely attractive stuns me into silence and causes my tongue to curl in my mouth making speech almost impossible. Even if I know something would never happen with these ‘attractive’ boys, and they would be just cool to talk to, I have problems. Maybe I should just pretend they’re all girls… Wouldn’t it be much easier if were straight? Ahhh. Ok.. maybe not a good thought :)
It’s hard doing things with groups of people also. Unless I feel super comfortable with people you can count me out of the conversation… but the worst part is that I’m aware of it the whole time and it kills me. Sitting there in the corner at a party.. or at a table of people at a restaurant I only know somewhat well turns my stomach inside-out as I yell at myself for being so dumb. I guess that’s what I get for being a dork. bah…
So a first happened to me a few days ago. A boy told me up front that he was gay and that he liked me. Yeah… I know… sounds great in theory. He’s a nice guy and all, but he’s just not what I’m looking for. Now don’t yell at me telling me I’m shallow or my standards are too high, because it’s not about that. Just because someone likes you doesn’t mean it’s going to be worth it. It’s not about high standards it’s about being able to mesh and the comfortability (yes, I know I made that word up) involved. In this case, for me, it’s not there. I feel bad for having to say that… and I feel bad when I still have this feeling of wanting someone.
Whew…. As lexy’s grandmother says “what a merry-go-round!” So many thoughts pull me in different directions and leave me so confused as to what to think. Clyner weighs heavily on my mind when I think of any boy. It’s very hard because part of me has built him up to this idea of the perfect guy, which I still feel he is. Not perfect as in what you may think… when I say perfect I mean perfect for me, but unfortunately I don’t think it works the other way around. I’m glad we’re friends and we’ll always be good friends, but I still have a hard time handling the thought that I can’t show the love I have for him how I want. “How do you know I’m the boy for you?” he asked me. I don’t for sure, but I have a feeling. But as he suggested, I’m willing to take an opportunity that comes along, but only if it feels right or if I know its something I want to do. The hard part is that I think anything would feel so false with him in the back of my mind like he is constantly. The teddy bear he gave me smells more like me than him now from me holding it close every time I go to sleep. Yes, I’m a dork. I know this :) AHHHH…. He, wanting to be in the army, only increases my grudge against the military. They better not take my perfect boy away! There’ll be trouble! :P
…. Oh my god… Kalamazoo is so boring… why isn’t there anyone here?!
I really need to find someone to hang out with this summer. I don’t want to invite myself along or invite myself to go stuff with people. It’s kind hard being stranded without a car. “You wanna take me somewhere fun?!” It just doesn’t work that way… haha if you want to come rescue me I’ll be here or not far away. I don’t bite. I promise!
We’ll see what comes of this and if I’ll right more later… Hasta entonces…
josh
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