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poems
what difference does it all make?
i try and try
you smile
but never really look my way
you say you like me
but what does it mean?
i'm always alone
and i wonder
why do i bother...

You lie
You push
You shove
It's never enough
I bleed
I cry
Wishing I could die
or run
but you never give up
My pain never satisfies you
You hurt me
Again and again
And yet I don't walk away
Fuck you
What right do you have
To make me feel this way?
Maybe there's no one else
But if that's true
I'll be better off alone

Tonight I venture forth
you smile at me
but it's empty
maybe i went wrong somewhere
and my lesson is to survive alone
but if that is true
what am i supposed to do
i won't bow down to you
this is me
take it or leave it
although i eventually lose everyone
I still believe in someday

Fooled again
My lonely heart
Like a target
For all that is false
Leaving me empty
A shell
No longer sure if finding
Someone is worthwhile
The pain overflows
The helplessness lingers
As I hold tightly to a world
Hoping I'm not really alone

Holding back
Gasping for breath
As the tears surface
I feel like I'm losing
All the dreams I once had
Reality has shown its face
And it's ugly and cruel
Maybe there is no love
I don't see it
It's just a myth
That gives us hope
Then tears us apart
It's hard to grasp
With fifty years looming before me
But maybe it's easier
And will free me from
The unhappiness of wanting
Something that does not exist

Innocence in a child's eye
Ignorant of the world to come
The pain, the lies, the scars
That are all surely waiting
It seems so wrong
To bring this perfect being
Into a place where selfishness
And despondency reign
What can they become
When raised on fairytales
And upon entering life
Find childhood is but a deception.

Magenta sky
So easy to forget
How it all can change
With just a moment
All this time
Putting myself down
Letting go of all
The good that's inside
Then someone comes around
So unexpected, so unique
Filling the silence
Without warning
Unnerving to think
Disconcerting to feel
What once seemed fanciful
Could turn out to be good
It is it worth the risk
Or should I turn away
Defending my heart
From the agony that could be
Or defy my past
And hope that this once
I'm not mistaken
And I've found someone
Worth holding onto

All this anger
Buried so deep inside
That I was unaware
Of the damage I was doing
Something inside had given up
And I allowed it to consume me
Blind to the reality
That I was dying from within
Letting the shadows overwhelm me

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