The quietness of night descended on the caravan as Xenith held her watch-ring and stared out into the darkness. She'd wanted to do a whole watch-net, but Lilith had told her to stick with the ring. She shifted uncomfortably. The quietness outside only served to highlight the trouble she was having inside. The memories of Lilith's voice echoed in her mind as she told her one of the basic tenets of magic. "Self deception is the most convincing of all, and the one major barrier to understanding others. If you ever get anywhere as a magician, you'll first need to understand and appreciate yourself."

Easy for her to say, Xenith sighed. She's been so driven towards her goals that she just sacrificed any part of herself that she didn't like. Maybe if I was older I could do the same thing. Oh, who am I kidding. First you'd need a goal that you wanted a whole lot, and the only goal I want a whole lot is... is... She sighed again. Maybe if she could put what she wanted into words it'd be easier, but beyond a vague yearning to be "truly happy" she couldn't pinpoint what her problem was.

Lilith had also told her what happened when you used the knowledge you got by touching other furs. You literally turned them into puppets, moving their bodies without needing their permission or even knowledge. Xenith wasn't sure she liked that idea, but it was a basic trait in all magicians, and in almost constant use by dark-siders. And I'm a dark-side apprentice. Not that anyone asked me which I wanted.

The cold presence in the back of her mind reminded her of the rocks in her watch-ring, and for a while she occupied herself with mentally evaluating every position. Then, she distracted herself some more by shutting her eyes and attempting to see the life flows all around her with that sixth sense which magicians have. She had some success, but she eventually had to give it up because her concentration was warping her mental sight more than helping.

Putting off the inevitable for a while more, she remembered back to what had happened that day. The caravan had filled its water barrels and finished in the late afternoon. Then Lilith had laid the cover on the well and melted sand around the edges so that it was recessed below the surface of the "ground" around it. Xenith smiled as she remembered the wild-eyed looks that she had seen. Trons hadn't looked wild-eyed, though. He hadn't even shown a lot of awe like most of them had. He'd looked like a proud parent, or owner, beaming with the satisfaction of seeing something new of his working superbly. She wondered why he'd looked that way. Last night, he'd been totally awe-struck when Lilith created the well.

Her central worry was not put off so easily. It nudged back to the forefront of her mind, and she shunted it aside by wondering if she could do the same sort of emotional sensing and control on something simpler- an animal of some sort, maybe. Maybe all of this self-understanding wasn't as crucial for them. As her wondering was about to be pushed aside for simple worry again, she stood up and decided to try and see for herself. Any action at all was better than just sitting around brooding.

After she had stood up, she simply turned around slowly, mentally looking for small life-nets. About ten yards away, she found one that looked promising. Walking over to it revealed a small mouse of some kind, which scuttled away when it saw her. Reaching out her attention to it was easy, and she treated it in much the same fashion that she did her rocks, letting the cord between them become a conduit for life energy and letting her awareness seep down... and snap back. Xenith blinked. For a split second, she had been sure that she was 'in', but then something had changed and the whole contact was broken. This wasn't quite as easy as she thought.

After some hard thinking, Xenith reached a sort of conclusion. You couldn't treat living objects the same as non-living because living ones had the details in their net changing constantly. Non-living objects, though, had nets that stayed the same unless some outside force worked on them. Maybe if you didn't dig as deep? Somehow, that didn't seem quite right- what Lilith had described would require you to go even deeper, or at least it seemed that way to Xenith. Maybe....

She felt confident enough of her next conclusion to try it out. Finding the mouse again, she sent her attention to it, but this time instead of trying to force her mind in she tried to skim in and out of the edges to form what amounted to a sort of watch-net so that she could sense the general outlines, or whatever else would drift to the surface. Her reward appeared in a sort of fuzzy presence in her mind. To her delight, it was the mouse, and she carefully examined and made adjustments as she began to perceive its moods and desires. Things went well until she got ambitious and tried to draw the net tighter. There was a snapping of the cords, and the pain in her mind almost blinded her ears to the soft squeak outside. After recovering with only a slight ache, she looked again-- and the life net was gone. Looking closer, she found the mouse. It was dead.

A couple of minutes later, a gentle hand was laid on her shoulder, and her silent tears were interrupted by a soft voice saying, "it's the first time you've killed anything with magic, isn't it."

Xenith was shocked enough to almost forget her grief as she blurted, "adept! I thought you were asleep!"

"I was. But it's hard to sleep when it feels like someone drove a nail into your skull."

Xenith's remorse achieved new levels as she realized what Lilith meant. "I- I'm sorry, I was experimenting and... I hurt you too, didn't I."

Lilith's robe rustled softly as she sat down beside Xenith. "Thank you for caring about me, Xenith, but don't forget to worry about yourself as well. From what I felt, you must have nearly been blinded with it." A nod was her only answer. "So, what were you doing that wound up with you mind-strangling a mouse?"

Lilith waited patiently while the silence stretched. Finally, Xenith's soft answer came. "I was trying to feel it, sort of like what you were talking about this afternoon."

"What did you feel?"

"Not much. It was pretty vague and confusing. Then I tried to understand better and--"

"--and you tightened your net and wound up strangling it. Yes, it makes perfect sense."

Xenith's eyes watered again as she muttered, "I hate using magic."

"Xenith, you're too good to let it go at that. You hate killing the mouse, and the fact that it was by accident makes you scared of the means that did it. Don't be. If you want to be worried, think of your own ignorance first."

"I guess so. But being ignorant with this can get things killed."

"True. Being ignorant about how much life energy to take could have killed that cactus a few days ago. How is that different?"

Xenith blinked. "I had to quit before I could, so I didn't do it. I guess that's what being more capable means. You can kill easier."

"You can do a lot of things easier, you mean. Killing is simply another possibility in a long and often interesting list."

"It's showing up on that list too often for me."

"It's showed up a few thousand times too often for me, Xenith."

Xenith shivered as she understood what Lilith meant. "I thought you said you didn't regret doing it?"

A short silence ensued while Lilith thought of how to phrase her reply. "I had several months to consider it, Xenith. Given the situation, I could see no other way- then or now. So no, I don't regret following through on it. That doesn't mean I liked being put in that position in the first place, though. I certainly didn't do it for the fun of it."

"I don't think I could do it even if I did get caught that way."

"That's your option, of course. But if you are going to succeed, you're going to have to find the strength to face those sorts of decisions."

"I'm sorry. I guess I'm not a very good apprentice. This is only the what, third or fourth time that you've had to come pull me out of my messes."

Lilith chuckled softly. "I hadn't been counting, although that sounds about right. Don't worry about that, Xenith. I'd rather be around to catch you when you fall than simply have you sitting in a little hole too afraid to even quiver without express permission."

They both stared at the ground for a bit. "Having your mistakes counted in bodies doesn't seem much better." Xenith finally said.

"It does make it easier to bury your mistakes, though."

Xenith quickly looked at Lilith before giving a slight smile. "I guess so. Think we should give it burial services now?"

Lilith laughed. "You can if you want. I'd personally just leave it-- I'm sure something around here will have a nice meal of it."

A sigh and nod indicated Xenith's tacit approval, and they both got up and walked back towards their firepit. "You know," Lilith mused. "I think now would be a good time to show you how to do that."

"Do what?"

"Make a proper life net to sense thoughts and emotions."

"Haven't I done enough killing for the night?" Xenith asked bitterly.

The metal claws of Lilith's left hand dug into Xenith's shoulder as she said, "you've done too much killing if your own initiative and confidence is in the casualty list. Come on."

They soon reached Lilith's target- their packhorse, who was busy getting a good night's sleep. "Now, " Lilith whispered. "Just sit back and watch. When I signal you to, simply let your awareness of the web's base connect you to it so that you can sense what I did. Understand? Ok, good." Xenith watched a bit morosely as Lilith expertly spun a web around the horse's head. "Look carefully, then join your awareness with mine," came the whisper.

Xenith did so, and the presence this time was much larger than it had been before. She marvelled at it, and the thought flickered through her mind that it would be almost impossible to do this with another fur- the presence would just be too large to hold inside. Lilith's gaze returned her to serious contemplation, and she carefully felt her way through the net that was being held for her. She saw emotions, thoughts, even a glimpse of some deeper patterns that seemed to be just pure horse. There wasn't much to sense, apparently, with the horse being asleep, but it was still plenty enough for her. Then, just as she was beginning to feel confident and was going through things for about the third time, she felt a withdrawal and the net was suddenly focused on her. She almost froze in panic, but managed to turn the fear into simple stillness. Things waited quietly while she regained her breath and calmness. As she began to actively explore again, she couldn't help smiling from the sheer exhilaration of feeling the whole net working with her mind. Lilith smiled too, although Xenith didn't really notice it. After a few more heady moments, she came back to reality and whispered, "thank you. I didn't know it could be so good. Now how do I undo it without hurting him?"

"Just mentally withdraw your attention slowly and the whole thing will shrivel and change back to what it was before."

After what seemed like a long time, but couldn't have been more than half a minute, Xenith stood up and watched as the last traces of the net vanished. Her face was wet with tears again, but this time they were from joy. She stared into the distance with a grin at the corners of her mouth, simply whispering "yes!" to herself.

Lilith gently guided her away from the horse and the rest of the caravan. "Xenith, did you let go of the watch-ring?"

After snapping back to reality, Xenith's reply was an automatic, "no, Adept, I didn't. Honest!"

"Are you sure?"

A slightly worried look, and a quick check made the reaffirmation more confident. "No, I didn't. I've still got it... through that whole thing, I held it didn't I." A note of awe crept into her tone.

"Yes you did," Lilith's amused tones replied. "I think I better teach you that watch net after all. It looks like you get too bored with just a simple ring to occupy your mind."

Xenith's laugh sounded throughout the area. Although only she and Lilith heard it, that was just fine with her. They were the only ones that mattered, after all.

It seemed like only minutes as Lilith showed and then let her experiment with raising a net. The trick, apparently, was to simply energize the connections already there, and the net was formed by picking and choosing which ones you wanted. Since that meant literally hundreds of pieces- if not thousands for a nice one- it was going to take a lot of experience to do it. The cold presence in the back of Xenith's mind was far larger than it ever had been, and she was glad she'd sensed the horse's mind first- it had helped her stretch her concept of "big" so that she was prepared for this.

The lesson ended when Lilith looked at the moon, and muttered, "two hours. That should be a long enough lesson. Now be sure you keep yourself busy with your job this time, apprentice." Xenith smiled, and Lilith returned the smile along with a slight tap on Xenith's cheek with her claws. "I'm going back to sleep, Xenith. I trust I won't be awakened by pain this time." Xenith's ears flicked down as she was reminded of her heedless mistake, but she nodded with enough confidence to set Lilith's mind at ease.

Afterwards, as she maintained and 'kept herself busy', as Lilith had put it, in threading and rethreading the watch-net, Xenith still found time to wonder about all that Lilith had told her before showing her these nice new tricks. There was some sort of theme, or point, to all of this she felt sure, but she couldn't quite grasp it. She finally sighed in vexation and quit worrying about it. It was far easier to grasp nice solid rocks than to try and figure out anything from the mental quicksands that made up her mind.