* You keep fake hanging plants around the house, just so your mother will never know what
all those hooks in the ceiling are really for.

* Someone refers to a serial killer as sadistic and you roll your eyes,
because the man has nothing on you.

* You realise you've charged more in lingerie than you get paid in a year.

* You have more toys than your kids do.

* You take up macrame, just to learn some new knots.

* You start rating your CDs by how interesting it'll be to beat someone to.

* Someone asks how long you've been doing this ponygirl routine, and you snort
and start to stamp your foot.

* Your favourite dessert is hot crossed buns...and you don't eat sweets.

* Someone says they have a leatherman, you almost say "me too!" before you realise
they are talking about the tool gadget on their belt.

* You watch a movie where someone gets tied up and scream at the screen,
"Gimme a break, 3 minutes max to get out of that!"

* You go to the local county fair and salivate when the horsejumps are set up.

* You have a list by the phone for the babysitter....Hospital, Family, and 3 24-hr locksmiths.

* You are on a first-name basis with all the local EMT's.

* You have the closest 24 hour locksmith as #1 on your speed dial list.

* You join the SCA just so you can learn to make your own chainmail and work with leather!

* You speak of crop rotation with someone, and they aren't a farmer.

* You try to get arrested, just for the handcuffs , body cavity search,
humiliation scene and time in the cage.

* You read the above and start salivating.

* Avon tells you stop writing, they are not going to make eau d'leather aftershave.

* Vanilla means anything BUT a flavoring for ice cream!

* Leather companies start giving you the wholesale to distributor discount.

* You know where every roll of rope is, in every hardware store in the city.

* You can't pass a candle factory without drooling (or wetting your seat).

* Your kids ask you about conditioning leather....and it takes you a minute to realise
they are talking about their baseball gloves.

* "chain letter" has a whole different meaning to you.

* You haunt the dollar stores for "pervertibles"

* You've got a toy chest bigger than the one in your 6 year old son's room.

* The local Leather hobby shop offers you a business account.

* Your children ask if they can borrow your "costumes" for Halloween.

* Your body piercings set off the metal detectors at the court house.

* Your Ben Wa Balls set off the metal detectors at the airport.

* You need two separate packing and moving crews....one to pack and move the furniture
and belongings, and the other to pack and move the "furniture" and "belongings".

* You choose your new house based on it's location: convenient to the
leather store, easily directed to by your friends and the local ambulance drivers,
and just a mile from the emergency room.

* You become a locksmith to avoid having to make embarassing calls at 2 A.M.

* The local Home Depot has set you up with a business account...
and you are not a contractor or an electrician.

* You move to another city, and the hardware store in your old hometown goes out
of business because you don't buy there anymore.

* Escape artists come to you for advice.

* You say Vanilla like it's a bad word.

* You can't pass by an iron fence without drooling.

* You know the location of every tack shop in the tri-state area.

* Your idea of getting a jump in the morning is to hook up the other end of
your nipple clamp to the car battery.

* You nearly cause an accident pulling into the lot where the sign advertises
FREE TODAY HOT WAX before you realise it's a car wash.

* You cannot get through the opening lines of "Green Eggs and Ham"
(I Am Sam, Sam I Am) without giggling hysterically.

* Your attitude is "electricity, not just a utility, but a way of life".

* You've served more people than McDonald's.

* More people have seen your body on-line than have visited www.cnn.com

* You spend more time on your knees than a Catholic priest.

* You consider filing a lawsuit for false advertising when the pizza place
has a sign for HOT GREEK-STYLE SUBS but they wouldn't bend over to please you.

* You chose your last car based on the location of the garment hooks.

* The hospital lists you as a triage center, since you're better equipped than the ER.

* You sit on Santa's lap to tell him the toys you want for XMas,
and get a free trip to the North Pole.

* You buy clothespins in the supersize family economy bags, and you
don't have a family or a clothesline.

* There's enough rope in your bedroom to scale Mt. Everest.

* You find yourself wandering through the wax museum's medieval torture chamber
making comments like "gimme a break, my Dom's grandmother could get out of that!"

* Getting tattooed and pierced is merely foreplay.

* You bought a souvenir replica of the Washington Memorial because you
were too cheap to go to the adult store and get a real butt plug.

* You think Hannibal Lecter is a snazzy dresser.

* Someone tries to talk you out of your blind date by saying he's
sick and sadistic and you perk, God i hope so!

* You think VA stands for Vanilla Anonymous.

* Turning the switch on has precious little to do with making the
lights come on when you enter the room.

* The first thing you check when looking for a new car is whether
the trunk can hold a bound submissive or two.

* When furniture hunting, you choose chairs for their bondage points,
rather than comfort and looks.

* You take advantage of the needle exchange program in your city and
you have never used intravenous drugs in your entire life.

* You fake injuries just so you can replenish the medical play kit from the ER.

* When you're told your brother-in-law is pussy-whipped, it takes you
a moment to realise that doesn't necessarily mean he's transgendered.

* You can accurately convert horsepower to #ponygirls harnessed.

* Someone calls your wife a slut and you thank them.

* Your favorite letter of the alphabet is O.

* Nose to the grindstone is an orgasmic abrasion fantasy.

* You refer to your fully equipped van as "Squeals on Wheels".

* Your travel agent recommends a 4 star bed and breakfast as part of your
vacation plans; you yawn and ask where the nearest Dungeon and Gruel is to your destination.

* Investing in stocks and bonds means refurbishing the play area.

* Your children think your primary language is acronyms.

* You have a habit of calling conversion vans perversion vans.

* You overhear your neighbor training his dog to sit, beg, play dead, roll over;
and find yourself obeying quicker than the dog does.

* You need to rent a U-Haul to get your toys to the play party.

* Your toilet seat is leather.

* When invited to a party, you find no clothes in your wardrobe that
are non-leather, non-fetish.