
"Tell me You love me" I whisper into the darkness.
"You know I do" His reply.
"Tell me, I need to hear the words" a little bit of
desperation creeps into my voice as I say it.
"It is not your place to demand things, you know this"
His voice, firm unyeilding. I sigh and turn over,
turn away from Him. Trying to appease, I scootch my bare
ass against His hip and wait a long moment before breathing
again. Will He let me lay like this? His rhythmic
breathing gives me false hope, I expell the pent up breath.
I feel Him shift, His long strong arm hauling me back over
and turning me to His chest, His big hand cupping my head
and placing my cheek back against His shoulder.
"Tell me You need me then" again I whisper to Him.
"You know I do" again His reply.
"Please, just say it, say the words. I need to hear You say
them"
I hate the way my voice trembles, I hate being "this" needy.
"It isn't for you to demand, raven, just feel it."
Again His voice is firm, but surprisingly, not terse.
His patience amazes me sometimes.
I flatten my hand and rest my palm against His bare chest.
His skin is so warm against me, comforting, soothing.
His big hand covers mine, pressing it against His heart.
I feel the steady beat of it pumping there within His chest.
I raise up and look at Him, His eyes closed, His face relaxed.
The soft light of the moon shining on the snow outside
the window giving just enough light to make out His features.
I gently kiss His mouth and settle back against His shoulder.
I feel His other hand stroking my hair. The first still
holding my hand to His heart.
I lay there feeling Him and think about what He has said to me
so many times..."you know it, just feel it."
It isn't that He cannot say it, because He has, He has told
me a hundred times that He loves me.
I smile recalling how when we first began He would say it with
a bit of awe and wonder in His voice.
Sometimes even chuckling and shaking His head a bit as if
He Himself couldn't quite believe it.
Why is it now I need to hear the words, I wonder?
They are simple words to say really.
I have said them a million times perhaps in my lifetime thus far.
I have heard them from my children, my parents,
my family all my life.
And later from my friends and later still, my lovers.
Why is it I need to hear Him say them so badly now?
Is it because I am submissive and have no right to demand
it of my Master?
Or is there something more to this?
Laying there nestled against Him I began thinking about
my past loves and it began to creep up on me what He meant.
It is hard for me to accept love, I can give it very easily,
but to accept it, really accept it in my heart and head
it was another matter entirely.
Subconciously I hear the words and it is like
a little bandaid to a child. A temporary fix for my insecurities.
He demands something more, that I KNOW he loves me,
know it deeply and make it part of me.
Anyone can say those 3 words, but until Him I
don't think I could ever really feel it that deeply.
Instead of telling me He shows me.
He insists I wear my seatbelt, even when it is just a
few blocks, He holds me in His arms every night, holds me
close,
skin to skin so I can draw from His warmth.
He punishes me when I get out of line,
He praises me when I do well.
He shows it in the way He looks at me, the way His body
responds to my touch, the way He smiles when I approach Him.
More than that He shows me with my children,
that infinite patience He has carrying over to them as well.
He holds me to Him firmly and securely, and just doesn't let go.
He shows me a hundred different ways every day that he
loves and needs me.
He makes me "feel" Him and His love every day that I live.
By not giving me the "quick fix" knee jerk I love you that
I had demanded. He made me look deeper, feel deeper for it.
His wisdom continues to amaze and teach me
more about myself than I had ever thought possible.
I fell asleep there in His arms and much much later
in the night I heard His breath against my ear
whispering those very words that I had demanded
and been denied.
