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15 and in love...no, really 

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I'm a 21 year old male. About a year ago i met this girl on icq. We became friends first, I live in Brazil and she lives in Australia. At that I had some savings and decided to spend them in a trip to aussie, both to have a vacation and meeting her. After i told her I was going to go there, our chats became warmer, until we declared our love for each other, this was in november. I finally travelled in march. Believe me, that were the greatest 3 weeks of my life. We kissed, walked hand in hand, had amazing sex and behaved as if we'd been going out for 10 years! I felt something i had never felt in all my life: real love.But everything has an end: I had to come back home some time. The farewell was terrible, we cried a lot. As soon as I got home, I realised how much I missed her, and I told her she was the one for me. She answered that she could understand how i felt, but we couldn't have a relationship. We were simply too far away from each other. She also told me that i should not worry, because time would cure my pain.

Well, almost 4 months have passed and i still miss her a lot, i still love her with all my hearth. And it's terrible, beacuse i don't know if i'll ever see her again. Sometimes i feel my life is pointless without her. Is there anything i could do? Please help me!

SadLad

Well, you're gonna have to move on with your life. I know, easier said than done, but you can't hang up on this girl. It is true when she says that time cures all wounds, but not alone. It also needs closure. It needs for you to accept in your heart that it is over and that it will never work. She has said it in clear words that there isn't a future because you are too far apart. Try to forget about her and find you another girl. And next time you meet someone online that you have a crush on, don't fly across the ocean to see them and have sex with them unless you have a chance at a lasting relationship. You just set yourself up for this one I'm afraid. Don't worry, you will get over it. You just have to convince yourself of that now.

Stan

Well, I think that you have two choices before you, and it is up to you to make it. Choice one is to go to Australia, move there make a life date her, fall in love with her get married raise children grow old together. Choice two is stay where you are, take time to get over her, fall in love with someone in Brazil, date, get married, have children, grow old with one another. I am not going to suggest that you go to Australia, but, there are chances that are taken in the pursuit of true love. I think that it may be possible to get over her, it just takes a really long time. Some people never get over it. I say give it some time and thought and see what is the best for you.

Amy

thank you

Well, it goes both ways. Is it possible? Sure, highschool sweethearts have worked out a time or two. But it is true that your first love usually doesn't work out. The reason is that you need to mature and grow as a person and people usually change a lot until their early twenties. I wouldn't plan my future on it, but if it is meant to be and you still love him in the future, then who knows?

Stan

Well, here is my answer to your question. I met my first love at the age of 17. I am still with him, and we are engaged. I think that if you love someone it doesn't matter if it is your first love, your second love, or you 20th love. When its right it is right and there's no doubting that. Good luck.

Amy

I would not classify us as a master/slave extreme S&M type of thing. We don't have a dungeon or house of pain. However, I know that if I fail to live up to my responsibilities, over spend, get bitchy, or break any of our household rules, I am in trouble. I would be likely to be ass up and nude on the bed for an ass blistering or a session with my hubby's belt.

I do not consider myself to be abused. I have surrendered to my husband. He is a wonderful and loving husband. Still, he can be quite harsh when he thinks that "his baby" needs it.

That's what happened last weekend. As we were leaving the grocery store, Bill pulled a cigarette butt out of his pocket. He had found it in our garbage can. When we began our current lifestyle, he forbade me to smoke. I have been trying to quit, but the urge is strong.

He told me that I was getting an ass tanning when we got home-AND HE MEANT HARD! I tried to apologize. Bill would only say that I was not as sorry as I was going to be. I could see how angry he was. He told me that I was his baby, he loved me, and that he was not going to let me polute my body with that s**t. I was scared! My husband had never been so harsh and severe with me. I knew that he was not going to go lightly and I dreaded it. Yet, I was also aware of how much he must love me and was also strangely turned on. I guess were a pretty strange couple? That was last Saturday. I am still thinking about that cigarette whenever I sit down. Ouch!! But the orgasms that followed were beyond description!

I'm not sure what your question is. If you are wondering if you are a strange couple, well then I guess you are by typical society standards. Now, if you are asking if this is healthy for you...then of course not. You are losing your sense of worth and your sense of being able to make your own decisions. You are a couple, but you are also a grown person who can make your own decisions for yourself. Now, if you are wondering if you should stay in this relationship, well that is your decision. You see, if you have an urge to be controlled and to never make any decisions about your own life and you like to live like that, then that's fine. It's up to you.

Stan

I'm not really sure what your question is. Are you asking if this behavior is right? Well, its not the most healthy behavior, and it probably means that either you or he, or both have unresolved feelings from childhood. But if you like it and neither of you are angered by it then to each his own.

Amy

I believe that you are just not ready for a serious relationship with commitment. Relish that, you are young and should embrace your youth and just have fun. Be open to your friends and yourself that this point in your life you are just looking to have a good time and meet some good people, this way, there will be very little hurting on either side. Don't try to rush into a serious relationship before your heart and mind are ready or you could put yourself in an unhappy situation. Take your time and let things come to you.

Stan

It might just be that you aren't ready for that type of relationship yet. People reach that maturity level at different times in their life. It might be that you just aren't emotionally ready to make that commitment. As much as this probably doesn't help you, it is the only advice I have to offer you.

Amy

I would appreciate your advice.

In my opinion, there is a lot more to a relationship than just physical means. There is of course the emotional attachments. Try to picture what you are doing and how you would feel if your boyfriend was doing it. This will let you know if it is truly wrong or not. I think that if you are having a relationship in which you would feel uncomfortable in telling your boyfriend about, then it is probably inappropriate and should either be toned down or stopped all together. However, if you feel that you are simply friends and you wouldn't care if your boyfriend new, then there is nothing wrong with it. We had a poll recently on our site in which we asked if there could be cheating without physical contact and of course the result was overwhelming that yes there could be. So be careful when sharing your emotions and feelings with people other than your boyfriend...especially if you are going to meet them in the future. It may even lead to you having to decide between this person and your boyfriend and I suppose with the long distance in mind, that's not even a question. So good luck and let us know what you think.

Stan

Well, this is totally not fair to your boyfriend. You are cheating on him, and like our poll said there can be cheating without physical contact. If you aren't going to be faithful to either one than I think you should be with neither. Being with a person, loving them, means forsaking all others. If you are going to claim to be in a relationship with a guy that is exclusive then you can't be romantic with others. If you aren't ready for an exclusive relationship you should just try seeing a few people on a nonexclusive basis.

Amy

Breakin up is always hard, but you sound like you take it even harder than usual. You just need to remember that everytime you've broken up, you eventually get over it and it's not the end of the world. Usually, if someone is very trusting and really opens themselves up emotionally to a relationship they tend to have a hard time ending it. This isn't a bad thing, in fact it's good to open yourself up. But, you may want to wait more than a few weeks before you decide if it's a great relationship or not. Just slow things down and see how it goes. Good luck.

stan

Its just your personality. I'm not sure that you can just change how you feel about people. You may be able to hold back on investing feelings, but I'm sure that will be hard too. There is no easy answer to this question, if you want to change this you are going to have to change your whe personality because usually behavior like falling to far menas that you are a really trusting person. You may have to hold back on how much you trust right away.

Amy

I'm going out with this girl and she's really nice. The problem is she won't  tell her parent that were seeing each other. Normally I wouldn't mind but  the fact is her dad is my dads best friend and sooner or later they're going to get the idea of what's happening, and we might not be allowed to see each  other.  Is there any way I can try and convince her that what she is doing might  ruin our whole relationship and that between our parents.

Please help

Thanks

I'm confused. Why would they have a problem with your relationship? If you feel that they should know, and lets face it, for a good healthy relationship, they really should, you should sit your girlfriend down and explain that she needs to tell them. To make it less tense you can tell her to do it nonchalantly. I'm not sure of your age, but if you go out on a date with her, she can just tell her that she's going to a movie with you as if no big deal and then let it grow from there. That should be no problem. Tell us how it goes.

Stan

Tell her that if she wants to have a relationship with you then she needs to tell her parents, it is not too much that you ask her to be honest with her parents about your relationship. If you start by hiding this, there's no telling where it will stop.

Amy

It goes like this i'm in love with my girl and i'm about to leave for college so i told her i would go to college in nyc so i could be with her. i also told her that i love her and she didn't say it back she just smiled i'm lost i need your advice very bad.when we go out she acts more like she's my girl also but when were around her block she dosent .

Well, she obviously doesn't love you. It is foolish of you to base where you are going to college on a girl. Even if she told you that she loved you it would be foolish to go to a school just so you could be near to someone, this is your life, this is your education we're talking about. Take care of that first and then worry about other things like women. Besides, if she has a problem acting like your girlfriend and saying that she loves you, it will even be worse at college.

Stan

If you tell a girl that you love her and she doesn't say anything than I say that is a good indication that she is not as into the relationship as you are. I think you need to have a long talk with her and work through your relationship. You don't want to be making any decisions that might affect your long term goals based on being with her, if she doesn't want to be with you.

Amy

I'm in desperate need of help . To begin with you'll have to understand how this whole mess started -It began with me having a major crush on this guy -lets call him Sean -I fancied him for ages (months) then one weekend I was suprisenly with him at a night out -I was absolutly delighted.The next week I found out he was with this other girl and I was gutted but I did'nt take it too seriously ,after all this guy is known for being a major asshole .The week after I was with him again -he sent his friend over to ask me - his friend told me that he did'nt like the other girl and that he really fancied me -so I went away with him that week and the following week.A couple days later I found out that Sean was with the girl every wekend he was with me I really wanted revenge so the following weekend I went away with one of his good friends -Inow found out he is very pissed off and I don't know if he even went away with that other girl -maybe it was just rumours .I've blown it and even worse hes majorly embarres because all his friends are teasing him about it .I can't ring him because he does'nt talk much and I would'nt be able to tell from his reply.

I'm going out this weekend and he'll be there what will I do . Thanks

You know he's an asshole and he's been described as an asshole....you find out that he's been dating someone on the weekends and goes back and forth between you two (at least you two)? Let this guy go and find yourself a nice guy with no baggage. He's clearly playing you and the other girl and wants his cake and to eat it to. Unless you want to share an asshole with some other girls for the rest of your life, move on. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Stan

I think that this relationship got of to a bad start and shouldn't be continued to a bad middle. I think the best thing to do at this point would be to let the thing drop and move on to the next guy. Problems often pop up in a relationship, but you are just asking for trouble if you start a relationship that is already full of problems.

Amy

Hey Stan & Amy

WOW I just stumbled on your page and I love it so much...I think its absolutly FANTASTIC and I am really happy that u guys are there..I read your personals to and its so nice of you guys to respond via internet to everyone out there having probloms.Thank you so much. Well I am from somewhere much further than you.I live in Sri Lanka and this is my problom that is breaking my heart.I am in love with this guy.He is absoultyl incredible and fits my description of a perfect guy.I have liked him for 2 years without him even knowing I was alive and when I did a bit of detective work I finally found out a way to meet him and he felt the same bout me which was heaven.He asked me out and we have been together for 7 months now and it still seems like a week since he asked asked me out.I have fallen for him so much I have changed all  my dreams and aspirations for him.I am a hindu and my religion is very important to me but I am willing to convert for him(he is muslim). Anyway now the problom is that his parents who are so strict are sending him to college in Australia.In a few weeks he will be gone and I dont know what to do ??? There is a chance that he will stay so I am thinking positive but I will absolutly die if he leaves me now.Even though we plan to continue after he leaves I don,t know how that will work out.See I had a boyfriend before who was Russian and left to Moscow and after he left we planned to make it work but long distances never do.See the thing is he is really supposed to leave in Feb not in July but his parents are making him go now.I feel its so unfair that distance has to wreck this relationship..Any ideas how to keep everything alive when he goes there and to prevent me from killing my self.

Well, I think you may not like my advice. If he does leave, then you can try to work it out, of course, but don't be surprised if it does not work out. Long distance relationships are extremely difficult, especially in different countries. And then throw in your religious differences and you have a big mess don't you? Are you really committed to your religion if you are willing to throw it away for the Islamic faith at the age of 18? My advice is to take a while to yourself to contemplate your priorities in life. If he stays, then go for it of course. But, in case you want to try and work it out, then I suggest that you use the Internet a lot and you talk on the phone a lot. Make sure that you tell him all that goes on in your day and vice versa. Good luck, and I really hope it works out for you.

Stan

First of I would just like to thank you for the nice things that you said about our website. We don't always get a chance to hear things like that. Now, to your problem. Long distance relationships are hard. And they are even harder when you actually love the person. I can tell you this from first hand experience. I made a long distance relationship work, and believe me it was work. But it is worth all the work. I think that the secret is everyday, or almost everyday contact. Without that you aren't really able to keep the close relationship. One thing that makes a boyfriend or girlfriend just that is that they are a huge part of your life, and they know what goes on with you on a day to day basis. If you are not able to do this through either email, or phone calls, it will be difficult, not impossible, but difficult. They don't have to be long talks or emails, just a synopsis of what happened in your day. I say that you should at least try. You never know if it is going to work unless you try it.

Amy

I am a married female, married to a bi/gay man. We have been married for 26 years and I have always known he has had an interest in men. About 3 years ago he got ill with a disease called CIDP. At that time all of this "stuff" came up again. He had one session with a therapist who suggested he was bi rather than gay. Interesting idea, as we have always had a terrific sex life. But he was still yearning to be with other men. So, I gave him the go ahead to see what he really felt and to have relations with other men. I was hoping that he would see that I was the perfect person for him and that I would be "enough". Well, he is still seeking other men and I am not thrilled with that. He is in a situation where he can have his cake and eat it too, so to speak. Well, in that 3 years, I have made a self discovery. I am more than capable of caring for myself and our children. I am now in a position to ask him to make a choice, me or his other lifestyle. Am I being unreasonable to ask him to make a choice? I do realize that the wanting to have sex with men will never go away and I have no problem watching bi and gay movies...I just want a commitment to just have sex with me. I might even be willing to have a "3-way" encounter with another bi man. I just don't want him to have an ongoing outside relationship with another man. I am not sure where to go from here. I am ready to confront him about this situation, but some advice wouldn't hurt. We get along very well. We do lots of things together. I just don't have a penis. I am looking forward to your response. I apologize if this seems to be a rambling letter. I have had a drink or two.

Thanks so much for any advice

Do you really think that this is a healthy relationship you have here? Yeah you've been married along time without him having an affair, or so you think, well good for him. Big deal. He made two commitments in his life that were life long. One was to be married to you and to be faithful to you. He should not be allowed to get with other people male or female because he will just want it more. And further more do not, I repeat, DO NOT, have a three way encounter. That will just risk your relationship even further. Do you think this is a good environment for your children??? The second commitment he made is when he had children. Ideally, you two stay together and raise children and he is faithful to you and your children. I'm not sure if this is possible, however. Be strong and firm and demand that he be a man and except his responsibilities. Poor baby has to take care of his children and he only gets to have sex with one person, give me a frickin break and welcome to life. Good luck and let us know how it goes. : ) sorry, I got a little heated.

Stan

You have children to think of. If you are capable of supporting yourself and your children, and you don't like what he is doing, I say give him an ultimatum. Tell him it is you or nothing. He may have sexual desires, but he has a family to think of. I don't think getting into a threesome would help the situation either. From experience with this website 3 somes only end in disaster for all involved parties. I say give him a choice and be prepared for an answer that you are not going to like.

Amy

i have this problem... i broke up with my bf abt 6 months ago. i think he wanted to have this relationship where we were like bf-gf but just not official. but for me, i guess i didn't see that as possible. he told me he wanted to be just friends, but i didn't think it was possible especially after all that we've been thru. we just haf too much feelings for each other. anyways i tried to get back quite a few times but he always insisted on being just friends in the end. i gave up trying and we didn't keep in contact (though he said he would call) anyways we go to school together so we still see each other, however we've been like total strangers. that was like for four months or so. but through out i could still tell he was jealous when he saw me talking to other guys and stuff. and during lectures he would sit near me, like just behind. i was really confused as to wat he was trying to do. then suddenly out of nowhere he just said hi and then after one of my friends accidentally mentioned that i still liked him, he called me. but we just chatted about normal stuff. i was wondering if that meant that perhaps he wanted to patch up. but then he didn't do anything! so what exactly is happening here. i can really tell that he still likes me by the way he looks at me and how he gets jealous when i'm close to other guys. for example when he called me, he asked abt these guys who are my good friends in this tone which i know he uses when he gets jealous.

btw, i'm not sure if this helps but i think why he wanted to break up was cos i'm rather popular with the guys and i think he felt rather stressed trying to be nice to me so that he won't lose me.

hope this wasn't too long and boring.... thanks for reading it thru

Lots to cover here, we'll see if I remember to say everything. First of all, when you break up from a relationship that was very close and personal, in my opinion and many others, you should not and cannot carry on a friendship. This is dangerous to each individual because it risks the lack of closure. And each person can forget to move on with there lives. And the longer it takes to move on the harder it is to move on, and it gets more painful. Secondly, while you were originally dating him you said that he was stressed and afraid of losing you to other guys. If you were truly committed to him, it is up to you to take that stress off. You can be friends with other guys, but you can't flirt with them and you have to convince your boyfriend that you are for him only and that he's the only guy for you. So that is your job. As to what you should do now....well, if you are interested in him again, and he is interested in you, then ask him out. Don't be afraid to be the aggressor, if he is not interested, then disassociate yourself from him and don't be friends with him. Eventually you will find someone else and so will he....and everyone will still be happy in the end : ). Good luck, let us know how it goes.

Stan

My advice is to just ignore him. He is obviously playing some sort of game where he acts interested but not too interested. You guys have been apart for six months. I think it is time to forget about him and start trying some new relationships, even if it does make your ex jealous. You can't go through life waiting for him to make a move. You should make yours first and it should be one step away from him.

Amy

Give me a break, maybe I'm not a sensitive type of guy, but this guy is getting it two easy. Yeah, it takes a lot of people 9 years to finish college, they're called doctors. This brother is not getting any favors by staying with you, he is learning to become a shmoozer and he will not move out until he is made to move out, this is your life and you two are allowing this guy to live off of you guys for basically nothing. 12 hours? If you take 12 hours a semester he'd been done just about now. Also, if he is not supporting himself then he should be taking 18 hours a semester and taking summer classes too. It's called life and it's called being a man and taking care of yourself and this guy needs to learn how to do it. I'm not sure what amy will say about this...but I think you should tell Bob that his brother needs to learn how to take care of himself or at the very very least, take an absolute full load summer included. Let us know how it goes.

Stan

I think you need to talk to Bob. Tell him what you want for your future. Also, I think maybe his brother might be pulling one over on Bob. Say his brother needs 128 hours to graduate, which is average for a university major. If he is taking an average of 12 hours a semester he should graduate in 5 1/2 years. Now you said this is just finishing out his last two years, which would mean that it would be pretty impossible for him to have to take 5 years more when he should have been done after 5. What I am trying to get at is I think he brother has had enough fun and has wasted enough of yours and Bobs time. I know that people feel an obligation to family but this is ridiculous. Some people could have their doctorate for how much time he plans to be in school to get an undergraduate degree.

Amy

Ok. I need some advice. I am 17 female and I was dating a 25 yr old male. At frist everything started out fine. He had another women that he said he didnt love. We dated for like a year. I thought I could trust him so we had sex. After about a year we started to drift apart. Everyone tells me that he was only using me to get a piece of ass. Do you think they were right? I have been trying to get over him, but it just doesnt seem to be happening. Do you have any advice on how I can get over him?

Thank you,

Me

Move on. Its easier said than done I know, but the fact is he probably was using you. He was 25 and you were 17 AND he had another women? yeah, he wanted you in bed. It probably made him feel young and probably made him feel good. But he never probably had any intention of a long term relationship with you. Move on and be proud of yourself. You don't need a man to make yourself a woman, just be proud and go on with your life and a man will fall out of the sky eventually for you.

Stan

I'm afraid that your friend might have been right. But, I don't know for sure cause I wasn't there. The only way to get over him is to get over him. Relationships end and there is no magic potion that anyone can give you to make it all go away. The best way though as I have found is to just start moving on with your life. This doesn't mean that you have to date someone else, it just means don't dwell on the fact that it is over, just know that it is over and that you can move on to bigger and better things now.

Amy

Hi, I'm just writing because I am really upset about my boyfriends and I's breakup. He "dumped" a couple of weeks ago after a four month relationship. I am only 15 years old, but I am pretty sure I did love him, and I still do. Everything is about him. I cant stop thinking about him. The thing is, I'm getting this vibe like he doesn't even care. I mean, he is my first love. I gave him my virginity and he seems as if it doesn't matter to him at all. I really do still love him, and I don't know what to do. Maybe I'm just mistaken about him not caring, but I'm not sure. I heard from a few friends that he wanted to get back with me, but how do I know he doesn't want to get back with me because of sex. What should I do?

He's young and so are you. I hate to sound like the crappy voice of reason, BUT do you know how many people who actually marry their boyfriend they had at the age of 15. Virtually zero. Its true. Its true. Your first love is very special to you. And there's nothing wrong with that, its supposed to be. And giving your virginity to him was your decision, however, don't bet your future on this guy. You wanna know if he is it in for the sex? Don't have sex with him. You'll find out real fast. Don't have sex with anyone, until you are ready to take on the responsibilities of a family. check out the statistics on condoms by the way, not 100 percent. ANYWAY, enough preaching....what was the question again? Oh yeah, ex boyfriend. Here's what I think...if he does not show interest in the relationship (except for sex), then I say move on. don't worry about him. : ) have fun and keep in touch.

Stan

I think that you have just learned the toughest lesson in a relationship. You can think that nothing is wrong and out of the blue the other person decides to end it. The only choice that you have is to get on with your life. If you still have feelings for him that's understandable, you didn't fall out of love with him. Just give it some time. Move on and see what other guys have to offer you. If you sit around and wait for him to come back to you then in the end you will probably just be hurt. I hope this helps, I know it is a hard thing to do to get over losing a boyfriend at any age.

Amy

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 yrs now. We have broken up several times because I wanted freedom and to talk to other guys. He would cry and beg me back, but I would just reject him to have fun. Recently he told me that about 2yrs ago (during time we broke up the most) he talked and kissed 4 other girls.He is not very good-looking and claims that he did it because he needed someone and needed acceptance after I would continuosly reject him. Is he lying to keep me or did he really do that because of low self esteem.

Why does it matter? You obviously don't like him and you obviously want to pursue other people. You reject him for fun? I think you should move on and don't worry about this guy anymore. It is possible that he kissed these girls, but again...why do you care?

Stan

If you are not having fun, why would you even care if he is lying or not. Why would you stay with him? I think you are looking at the details and not paying attention to the big picture. Does it matter if he is lying if you don't want to be with him in the first place. Do both of yourselves a favor, and call this one quits. Let him find someone that will give him the attention that he needs, and you find someone you can have fun with.

Amy

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