Archived Advice and  Answered Questions

Too Much Masturbation

She Wants Oral Sex

Sex + Food = Will it Hurt?

Trouble Giving Her an Orgasm

How Often To Have Sex?

Risky Affair

Sex in Strange Places

Wats To Tell Girlfriend About Former Partners

20 Minutes and No Ejaculation

Concerned About Looseness After Cheating

Sex With Your Mom

No Oral Sex...It Smells

Gay Couple Having Trouble in Bed

Can't Have an Orgasm...Even with Oral Sex

Can Oral Sex Hurt the Relationship

Boyfriend can't perform

Well, it could be just no big deal. If this is something that is really affecting your life and it continues over a long period of time then you might want to look into it as a deeper problem. It could range from you just have a compulsive personality (which is not good) or be more about your self esteem. I'd wait it out and see if you get over it eventually, but as long as it isn't hurting your life, I wouldn't worry about it too much.

Stan

You do it because you enjoy it. If you don't like what you are doing then stop, if you can't stop then there might be a bigger problem. You might be addicted to masturbation. It is possible, but most people can stop when they need to, they just don't want to. If you are doing this, and you don't like doing it so much then cut back.

Amy

I never had any problems or events in the past which would effect my sexual life and I really don't know why I don't have orgasms.

Is there any way out?

Talk to him. I find it strange that people believe that they are ready to have sexual relations with each other if they are not ready to talk to each other about it. Talk to him, tell him that you are not getting satisfied and you'd like to try something new. You cannot force him to do anything that he doesn't want to do but I guarantee you that he will work his ass of to do what it takes. But the problem can't be solved until you tell him that there is a problem. This is fairly serious and needs to be addressed. There is also the possibility that you are not comfortable with him. Those who are not comfortable with someone or in a relationship sometimes have a hard time opening up and for women this can cause them to not have orgasms. Just a thought...and by the way, not that you are, but never ever fake an orgasm. It's the ultimate lie. Good luck : ).

Stan

The only way out is to be honest and tell him what you are feeling. If you are not being pleased and you want to be pleased the only thing that can change that it to talk to him and sort the thing out. He might be upset that you waited so long to tell him, he might be hurt, but in the long run if you are honest things will start to work out for the better. Hope this helps, it won't be easy, but it will put you on the right track.

Amy

how you doing

well here is my questionever since i have been with my girlfriend i have given her orgasm in almost every way i can and lately we have been using staberryes and bananas to foreplay and she loves it so much well my question is that now she is driving me crazy to find other food thing to use and she is really taking this the wrong way i love doing this it's so much fun and i love to please her so much but she is unexperienced and now she just comes up with weird things everytime like hot dogs carrots and stuff like that i know carrots hurt and i don't want to hurt her even know she wants to try that because i know if it hurts her she might not want to do this anymore ... so please can you help ... maybe you know better things to use so i can still make her happy and not hurt my baby

thank you

I think that she is a big girl and she can decide what hurts and what doesn't hurt. If she wants to try something on her body and you think that it would hurt her, then tell her I think that might hurt, don't you? If she says "No, I'll be fine." Then give it a chance and see how it goes. I'm sure she knows what hurts her better than you do. As for other things you can try, maybe try some sauces and stuff. Chocolate syrup is always fun. Good luck.

Stan

I think that it is probably safe so far for her to still be into this. I think it is also your responsibility to tell her that you think something might not be comfortable. A relationship means that you can be open and honest with each other no matter what. Talk to your girlfriend. Tell her what you think, and I'm sure that she will be happier if you participate.

Amy

how r u guys ? i want to tell u that u r doing a great job and keep it up :) well i'm facing a problem the last time i had sex was 2 yrs ago and a couple of weeks ago i made love with my gf for the 1st time in 2 yrs. this time i came really fast it was like pushing it 3 times inside of her and that's it. so we rested for a while and then tried again it wasn't much better and i'm starting to get scared of that it will be always like this :(

i don't know what to do plz help me, and plz tell me does masturbate got anything to do with my problem? i'm so scared that i'll never give her orgazim !!!

help me

First of all, you need to calm down. Your nerves aren't helping the situation. This is simply a fact that you are not quite desensitized enough because you haven't had sex in a while. The more you have sex the longer you will last. And that is a fact. Just keep at it and I'm sure you'll be just fine. And if it ever gets to that...check out the bottom of this email : ) But I'm sure you can go without that.

Stan

I think that it is just a matter of you having a sensation that you don't have everyday. It is just natural that you would be overly excited and be early. I think that once you are having sex on a more regular basis this problem will cease.

Amy

Well, you have certainly inspired next week's Poll on the website, but I think you shouldn't worry about what 'most couples' do and just concern yourself with what's in the best interest of your relationship. Everyone has different sex drives. If had to make a guess, I would say at your age and your situation she is probably a little closer to the average than you are, but it's not unusual for a man to want to have sex every other day or so.

Stan

It doesn't really matter what the average is, each person is different. But, I think that your wife is probably more close to reality. I think once a week for people of your age and length of marriage and children, is a realistic guess. I think that you probably do have a high sex drive, unfortunately there is no female viagra out there. The only thing that I see for you to do is to deal with the situation, or start masturbating. Good luck.

Amy

I am a black man and I have been haveing a affair with a married white woman. we would like to ger away from her husband for a while . so have picke our vacation time that he can get off to go aney place with her we like ecach other but we dont love each each other but we call it recreational sex do you think we will be able to pull this off?

Oh man. I think you've come to the wrong place for advice. You see, when you take a vow of marriage, it is for everything. Not everything except recreational sex. Then take into account the incredible amount of emotional damage that this can do to both of you. Will you pull it off? I could really care less, but please think about her husband the next time you go do something like this. If you want to have recreational sex with her, tell her to do herself and her husband a favor and get a divorce. God help us if she has any children. I don't know what she said, but I can't wait to see what Amy thought of your situation. Good luck in whatever you do and just think everything out before you do it.

Stan

I think that this is a dangerous, unrealistic goal. I think that you need to be realistic. You will most likely get caught, you will ruin her family, and your family. Basically it is a lose lose situation. But I'm sure that you are going to do it anyway because from experience when people ask us for this type of advice they are just looking for validation, but you are not getting it from me.

Amy

just wondering

Well, it's fine to be young and experiment. But, you've crossed the line once you are interfering with other people's lives or you become addicted to this type of behavior. Doing it so that it bothers other people can even get you arrested if it's substantial. Just be on the look out for these problems and be careful.

Stan

If that's what works for you then go ahead as long as it is not bothering anyone else. When you start being caught by others, that's when it starts to be a problem. I would say be cautious, but don't think there is anything really wrong with it.

Amy

Well, this is a casualty of being free with having sex, especially at your age. It really depends on your girlfriend whether or not she'll be able to get over it. To some people, even men, this can be a very heart breaking sort of thing to not have your partner be unique to you sexually. It is good, however, that you were honest with her. The only thing you can do now is to give her time and talk to her about it. And ask her how she feels....good luck.

Stan

It may be something that she could never get over depending on what her beliefs are. I for one could never get over my boyfriend sleeping with anyone else, but I have a strong belief that you should only be with one person in your life. If she is still with you after you told her, then it might be a good sign, only time can tell.

Amy

Just recently I had sex with my boyfriend.. it was my first time, so i was a little tense, but he's had sex before. He had no trouble getting hard, but I started to get a little nervous when he didn't ejaculate after 20 minutes or so. I know there are men that can go on for a while, but he said he never really lasted that long before. Finally, we got so tired that we just stopped and he never ejaculated. I feel like I did something wrong, but I can't tell who's at fault (if anyone even is.) Is this a common problem? He mentioned that he was also worrying that someone might walk in.. so his mind wasn't completely set on sex. Could that be a factor also? Could the fact that I was on top also hinder his ability to ejaculate? Thanks for listening, please write back soon!

~Nervous and Confused

Nerves and tension could definitely have contributed to his not ejaculating. In the future I would try to do it in a more comfortable and private place and that my cure your problem. As for time, 20 minutes is not that uncommon at all. In fact, most women would be interested in having their partner last at least that long for them to achieve a good stimulation. Good luck, and let us know if there is anything else we can do.

Stan

There could be a lot of things that caused, or should I say didn't cause this to happen. Everything that you mentioned could be a factor. I don't think it is a case of anything abnormal, it is more likely something to do with it being your first time together. Most people do not have good stories about their first time. This kind of makes me wonder why people have sex if it never starts out great. I think that if you try again and both of you are a little more relaxed it will probably be a little more easy, and he most likely won't have a problem performing.

Amy

You have more to worry about then the tightness of your vagina. Most likely, he will absolutely not notice if you haven't had sex in 4 months, so don't worry about that. But you really need to ask yourself if you are ready for a committed relationship and to be with this person for the rest of your life without being with anyone else. Good luck.

Stan

Your vagina is not going to stretch out from having sex. This is common misconception. The tissue that the vagina is made from is very elastic. The problem that you have is that you need to tell your boyfriend that you were unfaithful. If you don't tell him that then you will never have a healthy long lasting relationship. You owe it to him.

Amy

Everyone has fetishes and fantasies, and there is nothing really wrong with it. Here's the catch, you have to know the difference between reality and fantasy. This is most likely just a phase that will move on. You have to realize that you can never have sex with your mother, that's just the way it is. If this gets really intense and effects your day to day life, then and only then, you may want to seek some help. (see Freud : ))

Stan

Well, Freud would say yes that it is only normal. But, I think it is a little abnormal. I don't really know how you are going to stop it but stop. It will most likely end up causing problems between you and your mother. If you can't work it out yourself I suggest you see s counselor.

Amy

Ok, I have a problem with my current boyfriend. He won't perform oral sex on me because, as he puts it, I stink. Now, I have been with many guys over the years, and this has never happened. See, the thing is sometimes, I can smell something, but it's only there after he comes inside me. Even if I take a shower or douche, you can still smell it, sort of. It's not that he hates the scent of a woman because he told me that he's performed it on a few others before. Christ, he even told me that the one girl tasted like peaches - as if this isn't hurting me enough. I don't know what to do. Why is this only happening with him? What's wrong with me?

This sounds strange to me. First of all, in all of my experiences I've never heard of or tasted a vagina that actually tasted like peaches. That is pretty ridiculous and either he was drunk or he's exaggerating. There is nothing wrong with you. Women just do not smell like roses down there, that is a fact and he needs to face it. Talk to him and explain this to him. The only thing that could make you smell especially bad is if you had a yeast infection and if you did I think you would notice the other symptoms. If you've never had any other complaints, I say you should tell him to chill out and be a man : ), but that's just my opinion.

Stan

It could just be that he is sensitive to smells, or it could be that he is just using that as an excuse not to perform. It may be that you have a slight yeast infection. Sometimes it is common for women to have a yeast infection and it is just slight and they don't know it. I would suggest going to your gynecologist and getting it checked out. It may be as easy as just using a cream to cure the yeast infection. If it is not a yeast infection the doctor might be able to suggest something for the odor.

Amy

I hope you don't mind this question froma gay couple. I'm 25, my lover is 24, a bottom, and we live together. Although we're committed, and very intimate physically, our sex life has taken a downturn recently. He's not the type of guy who initiates sex, but we had no problem until he started to refuse it more and more often. Although he functions normally, to him, sex seems to be a chore, not something he enjoys. Talking about the problem just seems to aggravate his feelings of self-blame and inadequacy - "OK, I'll try harder", he says, but what I really want him to do is to have fun doing it..  This has continued for some time, and I found myself having sex with other guys just to satisfy my own urges. He was shocked when I told him once about one affair, and accused me of betraying our relationship. But I still love him.  What should I do?How can we salvage our sex life?

Nope, I don't mind answering any questions at all. At the heart of the matter, a gay relationship has the same dynamics as a straight one...just different semantics. Anyway, your particular problem doesn't seem to be too uncommon. In essence, he's acting like a woman. Not that that's a bad thing, it's just the way some people are. Not everyone has a high sex drive and unfortunately there isn't much you can do. You seek not just the orgasm from sex (as you can do that yourself) but the intimacy that it brings to you and your partner. He, who does not crave it so much, sees it as lets get him an orgasm so we can go about our lives. Unfortunately, this is just a match problem. You probably need to decide how important this is to you and if his lack of a sex drive is going to bother you to an end, maybe you should move on. This would seem to be the case if you are cheating on him. In the meantime, if you want to give it another try, try talking to him and discovering his greatest fantasies and dreams and then try to fulfill them. Good luck, let us know how it goes.

Stan

Maybe you should just leave him. If you loved him it would be OK if he did not have sex with you, you would love him anyway and you wouldn't be going elsewhere. True love is not in physicality, but more than that. Yes, sex is a part, but it does not control the whole relationship. I think maybe you need to rethink your commitment to him instead of questioning his commitment to the relationship.

Amy

I have been sleeping with my boyfriend for over 6 months but have never been able to have an orgasm. Even oral sex fails to work. Recently, I have found it quite hard to get fully turned on, which makes sex a bit sore and uncomfortable. Could he be too big for me?! I really love him, so what can I do to remedy my sex life, as I feel there should be more enjoyment to be had!

OK, oral sex doesn't work...but you think the problem is his size? Nope, I don't think so. The only way that it can be too big is if there is a lot of pain involved in it, now that is a turn off. You said that you are in love with him, are you really comfortable with him? Do you have any history of bad or improper relationships? If you have, this could be keeping you from reaching an emotional connection with him (which an orgasm does entail). If you've had nothing but loving parents and relationships, then you need to look elsewear. Have you had any problems with other guys? I suggest slowing down, and talking. Tell him your deepest fantasies and try to get him to fulfill them. Honesty is crucial. You could even need a little extra lubrication, in case you are drying out. Now take an entire night and devote it to you, not him, and don't even focus on the orgasm, just enjoy yourself. eventually, it will happen, if you have to show him what to do.....DO IT. Good luck.

Stan

I doubt that it has anything to do with either his size or yours. A lot of times people don't get sexual orgasms because there is something else missing other than something physical. If there are some problems occurring in the relationship, or their isn't enough intimacy. If it isn't this it might just be that you are getting older. I don't know how old you are, but as you get older and more experienced a lot of time the drive lessons.

Amy

I don't think that it will have much of an effect on your relationship. In can improve your sex life in my opinion. The key is if you have genuine feelings for her, beyond the fact that she is attractive. If you do not, then the relationship will still not last in the long run. If you do have feelings for her and would love her if she looked like rosie O'donnell, and I am really serious, then it will survive. Oral sex will not affect that factor. This is, of course, if you are both willing and able.

Stan

I don't think it will hurt or help the relationship. I think that if you are in that serious of a relationship it will probably just mean another thing to do. But, don't agree to it just because she wants it and you don't want to lose her. Do it because you want to do it.

Amy

So, you're totally comfortable with each other, but he can't stay erect during sex, this is an automatic sign that while he may be comfortable with you, he's not comfortable having sex with you. It's nothing you did wrong and it's nothing he's done wrong and it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. He's just young and not ready to have sex with you. In this day and age we jump into bed before our bodies and more importantly our minds are ready to handle it, now if you keep trying I'm sure he will eventually stay hard...but I would talk to him. Trust me, if you can't talk to him about this...then how can you possible be ready to have sex with him??? Having sex before he is ready will have a much more devastating affect on his psyche than you talking to him about it. Good luck, let us know what you think.

Stan

Its probably that he is a little nervous, this happens to a lot of guys. It probably means that he is so worried about making you happy that he just gets really nervous and he can't help it. One tip to try might be to give him an orgasm before having sex, that would take some of the pressure off and relieve tension in the situation.

Amy

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