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It is hard for me to explain in a few sentences what has taken me a whole lifetime to understand. I suffer from a condition known medically as Gender Dysphoria. In short, what this means is that as a person, I feel more comfortable living a part of my life as the opposite gender to my physical gender. Notice that I use the word 'gender' rather than 'sex', because although the two terms are synonymous, they are two distinct but separate issues. As a result of having this condition, I have a pre-occupation for dressing up like a girl regularly if and when the need arises. Yes, I am a cross dresser and I am transgendered.
Gender dysphoria is a genuine condition, not a psychiatric problem, with an incidence of about 1 in every 37000 male births, with the incidence of this condition happening 10 times more in males than in females. Research has shown that this condition has a genetic component and or an environmental cause. It has been found that during the development of the foetus in the mother's womb, a hormone is produced by the mother, which decides the gender of the baby. If the mother was experiencing stress during this crucial development cycle, the baby will not receive enough of this hormone to define its gender, both physically and mentally. It has been proven that this is the same hormone that determines why men and women think differently. As a result of this lack of hormone level, babies could be born with a cross of both genders both physically and psychologically. Add to this the possible nurturing aspects of the child during its early years, it was found that an individual's concept of gender can be opposite to that of its physical gender.
There have been many myths and misconceptions that has been associated with this condition, many of which are untrue and unjustified. Below are some my answers to some more common questions that I have been asked:
- No, I am not gay.
- No, I do not derive sexual pleasure from this pre-occupation.
- No, I do not like to dress up in fetish type wear and parade up and down the street, soliciting clients!
- No, I do not engage in kinky sexual flights of fantasy when wearing women's clothing.
- Yes, I do intend to remain married to my wife, whom I still do love and care for dearly.
- No, I am not a different person when I'm dressed.
I have been aware ever since an early age that I had a very strong feminine side (compared to my other entire male friends and relatives). I have learned to hide as much of this as possible from an early age to avert myself from being ridiculed. I have been through cycles of guilt, confusion and constant self-analysis that accompany most forms of transgenderism. I have had to place my emotions and body language on 24-hour guard from an early age, in case I accidentally reveal a feminine persona. I have pursued very male oriented hobbies and careers to hide my true self from the outside world, and in some ways as a distraction to myself from the 'inner woman'. In some ways, it was like living the life of a spy or double agent, or imposter, practising and pretending to be one thing, when I knew deep inside I felt as though I was another.
I have found that the old adage of 'Never run away from your problems, because one day they will surely come back and bite you on the bum' is so true. I found that as the years progressed, it became increasingly harder to forget and ignore these inner feelings. As one of my friends Catherine says, 'It's like holding a beach ball down to the bottom of the swimming pool. If you work hard at it, you'll keep it down there for a while, but as soon as you relax your grip, it bounces back to the surface with a rush, right in your face'.
I have had to pay the price of suppressing a major part of my being, when 2 years ago, I tried to end my life in my car (with the exhaust). I felt as though my whole life had been a lie, and with the added burden of my wife's near death experience with her ruptured aneurysm, I could not find the strength to carry on. The toll I have had to pay has left me emotionally cold, and at times not seeming to have any emotions at all, with people that I care for around me. I have lost spontaneity in social situations, but most importantly honesty and intimacy with those closest to me. The longer this side of me was repressed, the more detached from life I became. I was frequently irritable, lacking energy, depressed and felt like a part of me was dying. The half of me that I was denying was killing the rest of me with it.
I have often asked myself 'why was I inflicted with this anti social curse?' Unfortunately, all the experts have also come to the conclusion that 'THERE IS NO CURE' and people like me have to make the best of it! My psychiatrist has recommended that I stop suppressing my feminine side and allow myself to start the healing process. To do so, for me is to be able to be comfortable with the way I live my life from day to day, and that includes dressing like a girl some of the time (though currently this is not possible at work). I have come to realise that I have NOT been cursed but actually blessed with joint gender expression. I had enormous difficulty accepting that this is the way it is, but then I realised that I get to live 2 lives for the price of one. I have given myself a feminine name of Sarah, a name I have always liked but not understood why till now. For me the time had come to stop pretending that Sarah would one day go away, to stop thinking I was mad, and to release the woman within me from the prison I had constructed. Releasing Sarah and accepting her as part of my life was like meeting my long lost twin sister for the very first time. I found her to be relaxed, nurturing, sympathetic, fun loving and confident. She is all the things I'd secretly wished to be, but feared I could never become.
It has been the most significant step in my ongoing journey of self-discovery. I owe a lot of thanks to my wife, Karine for being so understanding of my condition, and in some strange twist of fate, has said the same thing to me about her illness. Thanks should also go to the numerous transgendered souls I have come across both on the Internet and in person for we all speak with the same voice and feel the same pain.
I have told you this in the hope that it would in some way explain what you may have heard or been told about me, and to get the story straight from the horses mouth so to speak. It was not an easy decision for me to make, but because I treasure our friendship and our good working relationship, I felt the reasons were justified. I cannot expect you to understand how I feel, and if this issue makes you uncomfortable, I will understand (hey it took me 35 years!). All I ask is that we respect each other as individuals and as people who have to make this life journey together.
Thank you again for your patience.
Francis
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