CHAPTER FOURTEEN

A CRUEL BETRAYAL CALLED INCEST

It was question time at a youth group camp. We all put questions n the box. There was one note that went something like this: "Frequently life seems not worth living. Sometimes I feel like I want to kill myself. I am an incest victim. What can I do?"

I spoke to Sheryl afterwards. She was a typical incest victim struggling with feelings of hurt, deep unhappiness and worthlessness. Sheryl is only one of a massive number of young people who have suffered sexual abuse.

Another camp where I was involved included a mixture of young people from different races. A visitor spoke to the 25 or so young people about incest. Later an older female decided that the issue had not gone far enough. She shared about her experience of abuse and how she had come to grips with the issue in her life as a Christian. Then to my amazement a large number of the group of girls explained, often with tears, what had happened to them. One young man there had also been abused and had become homosexual. He had since become a Christian and said he had sorted through his sexual difficulties.

WHAT IS INCEST?

Incest describes the event when one member of a family sexually interferes with (frequenty to the stage of intercourse) another member of the family. It is a widespread ugly cancer just under the skin of our so called decent society. It even happens in the "nicest" homes.

Incest is a form of rape. In a way it is more vicious than rape because it is often a betrayal by someone you should be able to trust for your protection and well being. It is an offence against the very core of a person's being.

Most frequently it is girls who become victims and the offenders? … often step-fathers (or mum's boyfriends). Also real fathers, brothers, cousins or even trusted friends of the family. Attractive pre-adolescent boys can also be taken advantage of in a similar way.

All sorts of problems result from this activity. These can include physical damage, hurt, anger, depression, bitterness, a sense of disgust with one's sexuality, guilt, suicidal feelings, drug addiction, problems in sexuality within marriage and people can opt for homosexual (male or female) behaviour partly as a result of this experience. Hardness to others and resignation to a feeling of worthlessness can also set in if the hurt is allowed to eat away at the personality.

Tragically it is often a continuing threat, some endure it for years. Some are threatened with violence if they tell anyone. What often adds to the sense of having been betrayed is when a girl tells her mother but mum refuses to believe her. Often mum is so insecure, she fears losing her man and closes her mind to the deep suspicion that her daughter may be telling the truth.

WHY? WHY? WHY DOES IT HAPPEN?

Perhaps there should be a specially super heated corner in hell for those who take advantage of others in this way. Deep within the core of most men there is the potential to sexually abuse someone, if not by force, by emotional manipulation or fear. This, however, is no excuse for such behaviour. If a person has a problem with temptation in this area, it is his responsibility to find counselling and treatment. He may need to remove himself from the situation for a while, or arrange other accommodation for the potential victim.

Incest is a criminal offence. In the Old Testament Law it was punishable by death. Today it is punishable by imprisonment.

Incest is a result of a sexually sick society. The lowering of moral standards adds to the problem. People are fired up sexually but not fulfilled. They use those close to them for an outlet. Families are breaking down and children are losing their protection.

Cultures where there is an extended family emphasis are more susceptible. While the communal emphasis had tremendous advantages, shared sleeping quarters can make young people vulnerable.

Alcohol also increases the problem because it lowers a persons self control and ability to weigh up the consequences. Many girls who are home alone cower in their rooms in horror when they know their Dad is coming home drunk.

For the incest victim, or someone in danger of being abused, there are some important points to note.

1. There is hope. Many people have been abused and have worked through the issue to grow emotionally again. They can enjoy satisfying sex with their marriage partner.

2. Sometimes prevention is necessary. It is important not to dress or act seductively even around members of the family. Genuinely affectionate touching (e.g. hugging, etc) should not be rejected but sexuality should be kept at a safe distance from others.

3. It is important that a sexually abused person tells someone they trust. This is often difficult. One can be accused of breaking up the family, ruining a reputation, splitting a marriage or worse. Think about it though. If incest is happening, things are already in a mess.

Exposing it will:
a. Bring help from a trusted friend or counsellor.
b. Protect other family members in the future.
c. Help the abuser face up to themselves and get the treatment they require.
d. Warn others of the consequences.

4. It is important to realise that sorting through the emotional struggles doesn't often happen overnight. It often takes some time. It requires help from friends and others who have experienced similar problems and a lot of prayer and tears.

At the camp I referred to earlier, one important point that stood out was this: the ones who had worked through their experience to emotional growth were those who had come to forgive the person who abused them. This breaks the emotional anger-link with them but it is not easy. The general tendency is one of bitterness, anger and the desire for revenge. Bitterness however, is an expensive luxury that destroys the person who holds on to it.

I'm not talking about cheap forgiveness where a person says "O.K. I forgive = now let's carry on." I refer to a deep forgiveness that is a process. It often has a middle step of being able to pity the person. It begins with being willing to move towards forgiving.

There are several things that help us to learn to forgive even the most serious offences:

1. It is very important to God that we do. He says that we are only forgiven if we forgive others.

2. If we are Christians, we have been forgiven joint responsibility for the killing of God's Son. It was our sin that caused His death and probably at some stage our attitude has been the same as that of the shouting crowds - "away with him, we will not have this man to reign over us."

3. Sometimes, when we don't have the feelings of having dropped the charges against someone, we need to do something nice for them that they don't deserve. The feelings can follow such an action.

4. God is always there to enable us to obey Him in this area. It may help to have some folk who pray with spiritual authority to pray with and for a victim. The enemy of God needs to lose any advantage he has gained over us through abuse and unforgiveness.

Jesus cried from the cross "Father forgive them, for they don't know what they are doing." They didn't recognise His value and, if we have had our personal value abused, He can help us through. He understands.

Jesus had an obedient attitude and so was raised to life to bring new life to millions. Allowing him to take control of this area of life makes it possible for our experiences to be of help to the many hundreds of people who face the same deep agony. It isn't easy but it is possible. Vengeance belongs to the Lord. He has assured us He will repay. That leaves room for us to forgive.

NOTE: This, and the following chapter are not intended to be complete treatments but introduction to the topics to help you know that hope and help are available.

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