----- Original Message -----
To: <Undisclosed.Recipients@mail.alphalink.com.au>
Sent: Friday, 16 July 1999 20:44
Subject: From Chomps

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There is so much I'd love to talk about. But since I'm really tired, I'll just talk about the BEST part of the summit. (Also I wanna talk about something that is more relevant to you guys so that you don't fall asleep on me). I went to a workshop about relationships. Um as most of you know, I have difficulties about relationships (especially in the area of guy-relationships and parents... which basically leaves me single now... and I don't want to be in anything for... some time... honestly)... but now I am most clear minded... and sure about how to handle things. So Christians and Non-Christians alike... hear what I've learnt (or read it later)... it wont hurt. I am just hoping to share this with you... not because most of you don't know what I probably have to say... but because it was a good reminder for me... and it is something I feel most passionately about.

Well first of all... Love is great. But hurts so much when you have to let go. Wish there were some things to prevent that pain... or make it less. And most people make a mistake before they realise that they are hurting someone whom they care for very much... but if mistakes bring a little more insight into life... Maybe it's all worth it.

Before I continue any further... I'd just like to say, I'll probably make a few religious comments here and there... but that is because I am a child of God... and nothing can change that. But hear me out still ok? Because what I'm hoping to share... will help EVERYONE... regardless of whether you believe or not. I'm SHARING ok? Not converting. Hearts are changed NOT through me..

For those singles out there: it is a struggle. We were created to be sexual beings, and we naturally desire affection. However it's not the end of the world. Being single has it's GREAT implications. And my opinion is that we should MAKE THE MOST OF SINGLE LIFE. I honestly believe that Satan uses singleness to put doubt and insecurities in people... so that we don't focus on God. We are so caught up with emotions and our loss... that we don't acknowledge who loved us first and gave us the power to love in the first place.

But it is not a loss. If God is God. He has a plan. He knows what's best. God was the one who designed relationships!!! So DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME. Don't search for Mr. Right (or Miss Right for the guys... sorry.. I am writing from a girl's point of view!!!)... In other words: DON'T LOOK FOR THE RIGHT PERSON. BE THE RIGHT PERSON! I hope that makes sense! It also takes pressure off the individual. I am pretty certain that the majority of people will end up with their special someone. About 99% of the people I know get married between 20-35 anyway! And if you are reading this email... that'll probably mean you are my friend. And if you are my friend, I am SURE that you have some sort of special quality about you... and I just can't imagine any of you being unmarried. I would probably place a bet on it. Unless one of you really really hates the opposite sex or something! But that don't sound like a human eh? Aah, no stress. Everything has it's time and place.

Being single is not such a bad idea after all. We can't say all of us teenagers (or above!) are fully mature yet. And this is the time to really work out who you are and be comfortable with yourself. If you can't be comfortable with yourself, what makes you think you will be comfortable with someone else? Being single is the time to think about relationships and what you want from the other person. You should set some logical qualities, because you think clearer when you're single... and not as easily carried away by your emotions.

For Christians... this is the time where you lean on God all the more, knowing that God will provide the perfect partner. If he can look after the birds in the sky, how much more does he love you and will look after your every need. But let's not be irrational and try and rush things and take things in our own hands. But understand God's will... through intimacy with God. Bury yourself in his ministry and take what's left of a single life to really work on what is eternal. These things require time... that will be taken up when you are with someone. Not saying you should all remain single! As I said... God designed relationships. I'm just telling you guys to TAKE ADVANTAGE of this time WHILE IT LASTS!!!

Also... being single allows you to give more time to other people. Friendships are valuable too. And more often than not, friendships last longer than relationships (referring to bf/gf r/ships)... now is the time to sink the roots in. Between the ages of 17-28 we gonna meet so many varied and different people. Take the opportunity to know each one.

WISDOM is VERY IMPORTANT when it comes to relationships. That's is probably where most people fail. Including myself I must add. I confess that I'd much take things in my own hands at times even after knowing that other people that probably right. That's probably what love does to some. It blinds. But yea... be wise in relationships. Because if you are not, you can hurt yourself and others. DON'T GO AROUND BREAKING HEARTS (most of you don't intend to... but sometimes you break people's hearts unwillingly...and regret it... but regret is too late...). It is DAMAGING because DEEP FEELINGS are involved.

Hopping from one relationship to another and dating as many people as possible is dangerous because of the above fact. As friends you should be looking for the best kind of people to relate to. But relationships are different. Once you start one, it is so hard to stop it. Firstly, it contains a lot of hurt. Secondly, DON'T CARRY EXCESS BAGGAGE IN THE NEXT RELATIONSHIP. It's not fair on you OR the other person. Therefore, be careful. Love can be a fragile thing.

Long relationships (lasting 3 years of more) aren't necessarily the 'best'... Relationships by this time, if broken are EXTREMELY PAINFUL. I MEAN EXTREMELY PAINFUL. (I know someone who dated the a close person for 9 years... before he got bored). Relationships are usually at a peak after 1-2 years... if you are in love with a person... you would be willing to make a REAL commitment... don't wait for something to fall out. Love the person.. and be willing to give yourself completely.

The following mention is what I think is MOST IMPORTANT about any boy/girl relationship. MUTUAL COMMITMENT must be in proportion to PHYSICAL INTIMACY. Once you start REALLY getting to know a person, everything develops naturally. There is often a drive... a real wanting to get physical... but if you love the other person, you would CHOOSE TO GO SLOW, because that is the only way that you can prevent any kind of hurt. And what's the rush? Everything will fall into place in due time!!!

TAKE YOUR TIME GETTING TO KNOW THE OTHER PERSON BEFORE GOING OUT. This one is hard... cuz y'know those feelings when you get a jolt inside when you look at the person... and all you want to do is just make them yours etc etc etc... But it's ALL WORTH IT. It's WISE and DOESN'T HURT. Meanwhile, once physical, it will hurt. Especially if the physical intimacy levels are MUCH HIGHER than the commitment levels. (How can you disagree???)

Also... you must question a person's character. What you want in the person. Whether their character is consistent. Make sure it's not just an act of sweetness etc. See how they treat others. Check their maturity levels, priorities, loyalty. Always remember to check whether they RESPECT you for who you are... your choices... you limits... your life. Love is not selfish. It's not about just wanting the other person for yourself, but WANTING THE BEST FOR THE OTHER PERSON TOO. However the circumstances may be.

I also reckon it's OK to ask parents and friends for opinion. Because they know you... sometimes better than yourself (esp when you're 'in love') and it is most likely they will give you an honest opinion (if you are willing to accept that) because they are not as emotionally attached to the other person. Don't think they're stupid. They've had their experiences too. They are not trying to ruin your life. In fact just the opposite. It's hard to accept. And as much as I hate to admit it... they are right a lot of the times... maybe not all the time... but it NEVER hurts to TRY and see things their way... as long as it is not over the top. I guess this will depend on individual personalities and the closeness you share within a family. But let me remind you. You only get one family before you get married. Partners can come and go. But your parents will love you forever... despite the annoying things and the many times you've disappointed them. Even if they disappoint you and you hate them!

Basically, WISDOM IS TO TAKE YOUR TIME. Rushing things can hurt. Taking your time can't hurt. You wont 'miss your opportunity'... not if you're still young!!! And if it's the right one (and for those who believe in fate etc etc)... it will eventually work out by itself. Really. It's the friendship that counts. Anything more would be a bonus. It all depends on the time and place. Love happens unexpectably. Just remember you don't need to LOOK all the time. Life provides itself sometimes. Just be the RIGHT person... and the right person will eventually find their way to you.

Now for my Christian buddies...

WHAT ABOUT RELATIONSHIP BEWEEN CHRISTIANS AND NON-CHRISTIANS?

This area has always been clear-cut for me. Except when I'm put on the spot. But eh... mistakes happen... but if you realise them... and learn from them... it's a blessing.

During this Summit week. I am truly convicted that relationships between Christians and Non-Christians are a NONO. Friendships fine. Close friendships are fine. Some people are great regardless of what they are. Religion doesn't make anyone a 'good person'. But if you are going to commit yourself... you have really got to think SERIOUSLY about the whole issue. Now why have God suddenly opened my eyes (I can get un-wise at times as you can tell already!!!) to this whole thing? It's not like I don't know what is right and wrong. But it's hard admitting that you are wrong sometimes. Y'know!!! Love does funny things to your heart. That is why... we have to set standards for ourselves before we even start relationships to keep us on the right track.

CHRISTIANS AND NON-CHRISTIANS? - NO! WHY?

Before I outline my three reasons.. I just wanna say... that I believe that Christians can fall in love with Non-Christians and vice versa. People are loveable. You can't stop your feelings. But if you think deeper... if you do start a relationship as such... do you REALLY love the person? (Or God?)

1) Christians going out with Non-Christians are SELFISH. Because straight from the beginning there is NO INTENTION OF A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP!!! There's always the intention of breaking up. A true Christian's faith .. is the fundamental of life and values and so many things. If you can't even agree on the MOST IMPORTANT THING... I don't think you can agree on too many other things! It's bound to be a thorn in the relationship! You can't expect to CHANGE a person. That's not right either. Changing a person's heart comes from God alone. Of course, you must proclaim what you know is TRUE and TRUTH ONLY to all your friends... but you can't CHANGE people. Even if they change for you out of love... that is not real change. Change comes from within the person...

...and when the break up occurs, usually, at least one person is emotionally scarred. If physical intimacy has occurred... it can be even more hurtful. SOMETIMES IT'S BEST TO LOVE A PERSON BY LEAVING THEM ALONE. Seriously. Don't underestimate the power of emotional attachment.

2) By going out with a non-Christian, you have no growth in the relationship with God. You have no encouragement for your faith. It is risky business. You are giving the devil a foothold in your life. If what you believe is the truth and is important... THEN TREAT THE TRUTH LIKE IT OUGHT TO BE TREATED. It is serious stuff! Going out with a non-Christian provides a way for you to neglect the truth... people are important too... BUT MORE IMPORTANT THAN GOD? Yes? No? MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!!

3) God uses relationships to encourage others. As I said before. If you can't even agree on the basic view on life... moral values... etc etc... which are so important to every relationship... your relationship is not going to last very long. So don't play around with the other person. Instead, wait for a relationship that will work out... in which everything fits in. Or at least the important things!!! Don't rush into it. That person is worth waiting for. God provides. And when that time comes, your relationship shall be an encouragement to others. You will no longer feel alone in your faith... and so many things will be done that cannot be done if it was just your faith alone.

That's about the three main points I wanted to raise.

About Physicality - I didn't pay much attention to this.. Um... but here's a few brief points I thought was worth noting...

God expects of us ABSOLUTE PURITY. (1 Timothy 5:1-3) Hard to do.. and most of us fail in this area. But as it goes and goes again. God is love, and he is a forgiving God. Not that we should take advantage of that. If we know it's wrong, then turn away from it. If you don't realise it's wrong. Well I just told you ... with the bible as my evidence. If that is not acceptable to you... well absolute purity however 'impossible' it may SEEM... can't hurt. It just means saving AS MANY THINGS AS POSSIBLE for the one and only true love as a sign of TOTAL, UNDIVIDED LOVE and RESPECT. It's a way of saying.. you are worth the wait. And you are getting EVERYTHING out of me, little things and big things, that no one has ever got. You're special.

Marriage is the context for sex. It is when COMMITMENT IS HIGHEST AND SO INTIMACY SHOULD BE HIGHEST.

Kissing and cuddling and other behaviours are designed by God as foreplay. It leads to sex. Therefore we should be wary of how we use these behaviours. But if COMMITMENT LEVELS are equal to INTIMACY LEVELS... you can't to too wrong!!! But in marriage... you have exchanged vows (usually in the presence of God)... and God will bless that marriage. TRUST IN GOD, NOT PEOPLE.

It is also wise to SAVE A LOT OF THINGS FOR WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED. This comes out not to kill all our fun. It is all about loving the other person enough. Surprises on the first wedding night is apparently a thrilling experience (I was bold enough to ask my friends Brad and Michelle on this... in fact... this whole relationship thing, I have gained from talking to them!!!)!!!. The best thing about Christian relationships is that... the relationship is not focused on sex at all!!!

So how do you control yourself? - don't put yourself in tempting situations - hands off, clothes on It's hard to turn back. When tasted pleasure.. most would just want more and more.

Asking Brad and Michelle... what is 'good timing' (from their experience). They were 'friends' for one year. They hung out with large groups (hence didn't put themselves in tempting situations)... and enjoyed each other's company... as well as making other friends. I think it's important you get to like that person as a FRIEND heaps. Get to know them... not just as someone romantic... but as a normal, habitual person... because if the relationship does continue... it will have it's high points.. but somewhere much later down the track.. not everything will be so 'above the clouds' and 'soppy and romantic' all the time. You have to learn to LIKE the person as well as LOVE the person.

After really getting to know the person well and seeing their way with friends etc etc.. Brad and Michelle decided to go out. They were both Christians and knew each others values and limits. They didn't go out to tempt each other. But they helped each other grow. They went out for a year. Which is a good time to set... it varies with people... but basically TIME is the only thing that can tell if the person is right or not. You need to know what they are like, not only on a one-to-one basis.. but in all kinds of contexts! You are in some ways... choosing a life partner!!! (If you are just dating around and breaking hearts... you just be some kinda jerk... cuz breakings hearts can really hurt someone... and you claim to 'love' them at some point??? RUBBISH!)...

Anyway.. I think I'd better finish there. I know I got wacko... but I'm really passionate about this topic. No one is perfect. I'm not about to put my life story on here. I just wanna put what I've learnt.. and only what I thought was worth sharing with YOU, my friend!!! If you don't like me for it... oh well... no one told you to be my friend. I can't help but worry. Sorry I annoyed you (if I have).. but in some ways... if you shared with me something you passionately feel about... I would appreciate it very much. Some of you have done that so much in the past two months. And I am sincerely grateful. Every good intention (however bad feeling the truth can sometimes bring) is worth it... I reckon anyway!

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And I go now... with a summary on relationships (get my mind of studying!!!)..

SLOWER THE BETTER. IT WONT HURT. AND IT CERTAINLY DOESN'T MEAN YOU LOVE LESS. If anyone feels as passionate about waiting as I do... don't think there's no one who thinks the same as you. A lot of people I know feel the same way I do. It's hard to knock it back... but in the end... it's waiting is worth it. I'm with it! =P (Psst... not until I'm old and gray though!!! HAHAHA!)

Love y'all... Chomps

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