Daniel Considine:
"To get the best out of a man go to what is best in him."

Dave Sim, author of Cerebrus.:
"Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in restraint."

Andre Guide:
"It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you are not."

David Hoffman:
"The doughnut is...not unlike the ideal lover - rich, sensual, irresistably desirable, and available 24 hours a day."

Elbert Hubbard:
"One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man."

Steven Wright:
"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."

Lily Tomlin:
"Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then--we elected them.

Alice Roosevelt Longworth:
"If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me."

Pope John XXIII:
"It is easier for a father to have children than for children to have a real father."

Oliver Wendell Holmes, MD (1809 - 1894):
"The young man knows the rules, but the old man knows the exceptions."

Gail Godwin:
"Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater."

Larry Miller:
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was,'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'"

Robin Williams:
"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?"

Christopher Case:
"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."

Bob Ettinger:
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

Ellen DeGeneres:
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."

Jake Johansen:
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

A. Whitney Brown:
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."

Paula Poundstone:
"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "

Conan O'Brian:
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."

Rita Rudner:
"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other."

Lynda Montgomery:
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."