CHAPTER SEVEN

PRESSURE TO DATE

One of the biggest hassles with teenagers is the pressure to date. Some girls reach the grand old age of 16 and feel like a reject because they haven't dated yet… or they go to a school dance and only what they consider to be nerds wanted to dance with them. "What's wrong with me?" they might ask themselves… "Am I ugly?… Am I a homosexual?… Will I be left on the shelf?… Is my acne that obvious?"

Looking back you may laugh but at the time this is a big deal, mainly because of pressure. This can come from the media, school friends, family and even unwise youth group leaders who continually emphasise pairing off in their activities.

To understand this issue, we need to examine our 20th century western culture. In the culture to which much of the Bible was originally applied, boys and girls were considered to be adults once they reached adolescence at about 13 years of age. It is similar in some cultures today. These societies expect girls to marry in their teens and the family and tribal structures support this.

In our modern western culture, factors which include city based living, higher education goals, freedom from constant war and money based lifestyles have resulted in young people not being accepted as adults until around 18 to 20 years of age. This leaves about seven very important "teenage" years. It is a social danger time because our bodies are mature enough for sex but we haven't been made ready for responsible lifelong relationships. Neither are we usually ready to cope with raising children. Our looser society is not set up to support us sufficiently for this.

Teenage years are also emotionally turbulent because we are changing from childhood to adulthood… developing our own identity. During this very important time we are confronted with options.

OPTION ONE

A lifestyle that makes dating a priority is one. You may be surprised to know that dating is not God's idea… far from it. In fact dating is one of the most harmful things that Hollywood has ever promoted. Money is more important to many film makers than the quality of your life and mine.

I reckon that if I was an angel looking at the earth, I would be tempted to stand on a cloud and bellow " you are sooooooo stupid! You think that with all those red hot hormones your creator gave you, you can spend a lot of time alone with a member of the opposite sex (that will probably marry someone else) and not get into trouble? Get real!"

I am convinced that just accepting the non-Christian idea of dating without going quite so far, is producing many romances that do not honour God.

Pressure to date during this danger time results in some crazy and tragic relationships. This is partly because of the identity forming process which is not complete at 15. A person we know at 15 is likely to be very different at 20.

OPTION TWO

The other option available to us during these years comes from the Bible account of the teenage years of Jesus. It was not God's plan for Jesus to be married. Until we are at an age and maturity level that suits lifelong relationships, the example of Jesus is appropriate for us. In Luke chapter 2, verse 52 we read "And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and men."

These four areas are important in the teenage years. This doesn't mean we pretend that we are not "interested" in the opposite sex. We might as well try to stop the tide coming in as stop that happening. It is healthy and normal. What it does mean is that "pairing off" with an individual member of the opposite sex will not be a priority. Rather we will focus on…

WISDOM - These years are important for not only learning about life, but also discovering how to use our knowledge best. Many young people have sacrificed their opportunities for gaining certain areas of wisdom because they "had to have a partner".

STATURE - We grow physically whether we want to or not. This is a great opportunity to train our bodies as they become stronger. Learning skills and developing coordination can set us up for lifelong physically fitness and enjoyment. Sport can also use up the energy that might otherwise make sexual temptation more difficult for us to say "NO" to.

FAVOUR WITH GOD - It is very important to develop our knowledge about God and our friendship with Him. Many Christian young people become spiritually ignorant adults because they spend most of their teenage years playing "the dating game".

FAVOUR WITH PEOPLE - Social development is really important if we are to relate well to people in adult life. Many young people become boring adults partly because they had all these great opportunities to experience life but no… they "had to have a partner".

The teenage years are great times to do group activities. Camping, travelling, helping run childrens' camps and programs, using our talents in the performing arts, training in first aid, helping lonely people, playing sports, praising God together, teaching Sunday School. These are just some of the many options available that will help develop us into adults that are stimulating to be with.

Many married couples in our culture have major problems and even separate because they feel tied down. They have missed out on many of the things they would love to have done… but at the time they felt they "had to have a partner".

I believe it is really important to have developed good relationships with friends of our own sex before we find a life partner. We really need these quality friendships as life goes on.

It may well be that excellent non-romantic friendships can be formed with members of the opposite sex also. These can be very special as long as they remain nonsexual, open in communication and don't interfere with a future marriage partnership.

Sadly many young people move head long into exclusive romances without ever having mastered the 'noble art of friendship'.

There is another source of pressure many people face…

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