WASHINGTON -- After performing its fifth abduction in as many months, a mysterious green Alien went on record Wednesday to emphatically state that anal probings do not make him gay.

"It's for science - to better understand the human species," claimed the Alien, speaking via satellite from an unknown galaxy. "We take tissue samples, get an internal temperature reading...believe me after you've done enough of these, there is nothing sexual about it -- it's just an ass."

But for those like Jeb Teaterbam, who was abducted last January from the Pinecrest Trailer Park in Gainesville, Florida, the probing procedure was anything but clinical. "Dude, when he stuck it in, he started glowing and shit."

A glowing, which according to the Alien, means absolutely nothing "Heck, we glow for a lot of reasons. I mean I glow when my son scores a goal in his Saturday morning Galectaball league. Does that make me gay?"

Perhaps not, but the truth remains that with all the advancements in science, aliens could certainly choose a more patient friendly method of discovery than anal probing.

"Even we humans have technology to do a complete DNA mapping from a single hair follicle, and yet Aliens opt to stick a cold metal rod up our anuses," stated Rupert Stanton, Dean of Harvard Medical School. "Or is it 'ani?' Well, at any rate, the whole thing is archaic and creepy."

Add to that, aliens' fascination with techno music, uni-suits, wine coolers and the name 'Ramone,' and it is no wonder that many are perceived to be 100 % homosexual.

"Look man, I'm not gay!" screamed the Alien, his head spinning around in what can only be interpreted as some type of sissy-fit. "And I certainly didn't travel 78 light years to check a guy from Florida's ass because it's fun!" U.S. Demands "No Problem" for its "Sorry"

WASHINGTON -- Shortly after the United States told China it was "very sorry" for the collision between its spy plane and a Chinese fighter jet, the 11-day stand-off between the two super powers heated up Thursday when Washington demanded China respond to its "very sorry" with a "no problem."

"I mean it's just common courtesy. You don't beg a country to say 'sorry' and then leave 'em hanging when they do," explained Secretary of State Colin Powell. "If we are to improve our ties with China, we need a 'no problem' from them now."

And while Chinese Foreign Minister Tang Jiaxuan did send U.S. Ambassador Joseph Prueher a carefully worded letter saying, "Don't worry about it," according to Washington insiders, this falls far short of a "no problem."

"'Don't worry about it?'" asked an incredulous Powell. "We're not 'worried' about anything, least of all China. Truth be known, we're not even that sorry. We wanted our pilots back and they wanted an apology, so what the hell, it didn't cost us anything."

And while the heated post-apology rhetoric won't affect the 21 men and 3 women of the spy plane, all of whom were released Wednesday, it may have a very direct result on whether China releases the plane itself.

According to State Department spokesman Philip Reeker: "Already, it appears that China has turned down the President's request to 'Give us back our plane, please.' And while the President is prepared to up it to a 'Please, pretty please,' Chinese President Jiang Zemin may very well insist on an additional 'with sugar and a cherry on top.'"

Over 700 Killed By Cops In Cincinnati Marathon

The Cincinnati Marathon ended in a horrifying massacre yesterday as police gunned down over 700 black men who were participating in the event. Police say the shootings were an "understandable misunderstanding once you realize what the circumstances were."

Police Officer Danny Tucker described how the tragedy unfolded: "I heard a pistol go off, and when I turned around thousands of black men were running away, fleeing the scene. I yelled for them to stop but nobody listened. That's when I took out my gun and started shooting."

With over six hundred policemen observing the race, it wasn't long before the course was littered with bodies.

"We all felt pretty stupid afterwards," said Tucker, a 15-year veteran of the force. "Of course, we feel terrible for the families and all. But the fact is, we shoot to kill, not to wound. And who knows, we might have prevented a crime from taking place somewhere else today."

"Any one of these men could have been wanted for multiple misdemeanors, or possibly even felonies," stated Cincinnati Police Department spokeswoman Kathy Tscheiner. "To a law enforcement officer watching a black man running away from him, there is just no way to know for sure."

Tscheiner also indicated that many of the black runners "were seen reaching for something in their hip pouches. Sure, it turns out they were water bottles, but they might have been guns. How many of us wouldn't have made the same mistake?"

City officials called the occurrence "a highly unfortunate accident," and the officers involved have been suspended for a week without pay. But even that strict disciplinary action cannot heal the wounds of a city in turmoil. Yesterday's incident marks the 16th through 715th shootings of black men by Cincinnati police in the past six years.

Afterwards, activists took to the streets in protest and released a list of urgent demands, including "Please stop shooting us," and "For God's sake, I'm unarmed!" Mayor Charlie Luken responded by ordering a curfew be placed on the city, though he admitted that "unless black violators smile, we don't have much chance of seeing them in the dark."

As for the race, it was won by investment banker Carl Peter Braestrup, III, who finished in a personal-best 3 hours, 55 minutes. Many track officials had hoped for a winning time closer to 2 hours, but given the disappointing showing of the Kenyan runners (4 dead, 2 wounded), the slower pace was no surprise.