BAR JOKES



A man walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender, opens his coat and out pops a one foot man, who runs around to the piano and begins to play. The bartender says. "Whoa, where'd you get him?" The man says, "There was a genie in the parking lot who gave him to me." The bartender says, "Is he still there?" "Probably," says the man. "Watch the bar for me, okay?" asks the bartender, and he runs out to the parking lot, where he finds the genie. "What is your wish?" asks the genie. "I wish for a million bucks!" answers the bartender. "Wish granted," replies the genie, and he disappears. Suddenly, the bartender is surrounded by a million ducks. Angrily, he goes back into the bar. "What's wrong with that genie?" he asks the man at the bar. "I wished for a million bucks and he gave me a million ducks!" "I don't know," answers the man. "Maybe he's hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"

The exhausted businessman stopped in a Tokyo bar for a drink. "Speak English?" he asked the bartender. "Yes, sir." "Great. I'd like a Stoli with a twist." The barkeep looked at him for a moment, then leaned over the bar. "OK, once upon a time there were four little pigs . . ."

A grasshopper walked into a bar, sat down on a stool and ordered a martini. "Hey," the bartender exclaimed, "do you know we have a drink named after you?" "No kidding," the grasshopper said. "Irving?"

A man ordered four expensive 30-year-old single malts and had the bartender line them up in front of him. Then, without pausing, he downed each one. "Whew," the barkeep remarked, "you seem to be in a hurry." The man replied, "You would be too, if you had what I have." "What do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asked. The man says, "Fifty cents."

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want six shots of Jagermeister." The bartender says, "Six shots! Are you celebrating something?" The guy says, "Yeah, my first blow job." The bartender says, "Well, in that case, let me give you a seventh on the house." The man says, "No offense, sir, but if six shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped inside the crotch of his jeans. He looks around, then sits next to the most attractive woman there. He was very pleased with himself after he noticed her constantly glancing down at his crotch. "Hi, there, I'm Jerry," he said, as he went into one of his well rehearsed routines, "and I help produce a T.V. quiz show. Is there any question I can answer for you?" "As a matter of fact there is," she said as she glanced down once more toward his embellished jeans. "Do you have change for a dollar?"

A guy walks into a bar with his horse and offers $100 to anybody who can make the horse laugh. One guy whispers something in the horse's ear and the horse starts to laugh. The following week, the guy is back in the bar with his horse again, and offers $200 to anyone who can make the horse cry. The guy who won the last week takes the horse off to the bathroom. When they come back, the horse is crying his eyes out. Amazed, the owner asks the man how he did it. The man says, "Last week, I told the horse that I had a bigger dick than him. This week, I showed it to him."

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like a telephone on his hand. Then he starts talking into his hand. The bartender walks over to him and tells him that this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very high-tech and I had a phone installed in my hand because I got tired of carrying my cellular." The skeptical bartender asks him to prove it, so the guy dials a number and holds his hand out to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and hears another person talking on the other end. "That's incredible," says the bartender. "I would never have believed it." "Yeah," said the guy, "I'm really very high-tech. I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it! By the way, where's the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and doesn't come out for the longest time. Fearing the worst, given the tough neighborhood, the barkeep enters the men's room. There the guy stands, spread- eagle against the wall, his pants pulled down and a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "My god," says the bartender. "Did they rob you? How much did they get?" The guy turns and says, "Oh, it's ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus, the clowns don't talk.

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque." "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy." "Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."