Blond Jokes

What's the difference between a blonde and a grocery cart? Grocery carts have a mind of their own.

she wrote "Capricorn" on the application where it said, "sign here".

How do you know a blonde's been at the word processor?
There's white-out on the screen.

How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
There's writing on the white-out.

What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
You only have to feed information into a computer once.

What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.

What did the blonde think of the new computer?
She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.

What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
An interpreter.

What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence.

What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A mental block.

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gifted! A blonde With a whole brain? Golden Retriever

How do blonde braincells die? Alone.

What do you call a blonde wearing a leather jacket on a motorcycle?
Rebel without a clue.

How do you change a blonde's mind?
Blow in her ear, buy her another beer.

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Why should blonde's not be given coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.

Why do blondes wear their hair up?
To catch everything that goes over their heads.

How does a blonde turn on the lights after sex?
She opens the car door.

What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A thought.

How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
One.

Why do blondes like tilt steering?
More head room.

Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
More leg room.

What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde?
Bucket seats.

What do blondes say after sex?
"Do you guys all play for the same team?"

What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date?
If you're not in bed by 12, come home.

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Blondes don't screw in light bulbs. They screw in jacuzzis

Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
Because they can't even keep two calves together!

What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
Introduces herself.

Why is a blonde like a door knob?
Because everybody gets a turn.

What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievment?
An IN-body experience!

Why do blondes have orgasms?
So they know when to stop having sex!

What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
"Thanks for the refill!"

What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
Data transfer.

Why do blondes have more fun?
They are easier to keep amused.

Why are there no dumb brunettes?
Peroxide.

What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
They both have a black box and a cockpit.

What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
Not everyone has been in a 747.

What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
Not everybody has been in a limo.

What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.

What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A dope ring.

Why do blondes take the pill?
So they know what day of the week it is.

Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
Because it kept falling out.

If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

What's the difference between: Indiana and a blonde?
A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.

A blonde and a Porsche?
You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.

Butter and a blonde?
Butter is difficult to spread.

A blonde and "The Titanic"?
They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".

A smart blonde and Bigfoot?
Bigfoot has been spotted.

A blonde and the Suez Canal?
One's a busy ditch.

A blonde and a toilet?
A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.

A blonde and a rooster?
A rooster says, "Cock'll-doodle-doo", a blonde says, "Any-ol'cock'll-doo."

A blonde and a supermarket trolley?
The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

A blonde and your job?
Your job still sucks after 6 months.

A blonde and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes before using a trampoline.

A prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?
The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"
The nympho says, "Are you done already?"
The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

A chorus line of blondes and a magician?
A magician has a cunning array of stunts.

a blonde and an ironing board?
It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

A lesbian doing a blonde and a Schwinn at the side of the road?
One's a bike in a ditch.

What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts? Change.

Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
Frosted Flakes.

What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
"Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
She kept having affairs with men!

Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
To cover up the valve stem.

What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
Spot.

What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A Space Invader.

What's a blondes' favorite rock group?
Air Supply.

What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
The back of her head.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
Tell them a joke on Friday night!

Why did God create blondes?
Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Why did God create brunettes?
Neither could the blondes.

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
xxxx Go In Front.

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
Two...one to make batter and one to peel the M&Ms.

How do you drive a blonde crazy?
Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.

What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
Proofreading.

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
For throwing out the W's.

What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
Last year's hide and seek champ.

Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
The dumb blonde! Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a smart blonde don't really exist!

How do you get a blonde to marry you?
Tell her she's pregnant.

What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
An air bag.

What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
So her male would get delivered to the right box.

Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
They keep breaking them with the hammers.

What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
Perri-air.

When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!

What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
The Air Pump!

How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
Because she got an F in sex.

What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Why did the blonde cross the road?
I don't know. - Neither did she.

Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
She missed.

Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
The rest are hunt'n peckers.

Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
They don't know the route.

What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
An Italian suppository.

What do you call a pimple on a blonde's backside?
A brain tumour

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant

Why do blonde's wear green lipstic
Because red means Stop

What did the blonde say after she gave birth?
Gee, are you sure it's mine?

Why did the blonde wait a whole month to change her baby's diaper?

Because on the package it said "Good for up to 20 lbs."
What did the blonde do when she got her period?
She looked around for the guy that must have shot her

Did you hear about the blonde husband whose wife gave birth to twins?
He wanted to know who the other man was

How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
Wave to her

How did the blonde die from drinking milk?
The cow fell on her

How can you tell when a FAX has been sent by a blonde?
There's a stamp on it

What did the blonde do when she found out that 90% of all accidents occur around the home?
She moved

When the blonde ordered a pizza, the clerk asked if she wanted it cut into 6 or 12 pieces 6 please, I could never eat 12 pieces
How do you keep a blonde from drowning?
Tell her to swallow.
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie." The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"
A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.
What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
Hump-me, Dump-me.
A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"
A blonde is tired of being called "dumb", so she studies really hard and learns the capitals of all the states. The next time some calls her a "dumb blonde" she says, "Oh, yeah? Well, I can name all the capitals of all the states. Just ask me!" So the guy says, "Yeah? What's the capital of Vermont." So she says, "Oh, that's easy. It's V!"
There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a diet coke selection, and out came a diet coke which she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for coke classic and out came a coke classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the mountain dew button. Out came a mountain dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. "Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet." She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"

here was a typical blonde. She had long, blonde hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a makeover, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over. "That's a nice flock of sheep," she said. "Well thank you," said the herder. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman. "Okay," replied the herder. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" "Sure," said the sheep herder. So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, "382." "Wow," said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you." "What is it?" asked the woman. "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

A blonde woman is driving along a country road out in rolling hills of the midwest when she sees some movement off in the distance. As she gets closer, she realizes that it is another blonde woman in a rowboat in the middle of a field rowing the boat like crazy. She stops her car at the side of the road and gets out. She yells out to the blonde in the rowboat, "What the hell are you doing?" The blonde in the boat, obviously flustered, yells back, "I have got to hurry up and get home in time for dinner or I will be in real trouble!" The blonde at the side of the road is aggravated. "I can't believe this! You are out in the middle of a field in a row boat! It is blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name! In fact, if I could swim, I would swim out there and kick your butt!"

Three blondes were walking in the desert when they came upon a genie.The first one said, ' I'm really sick of being called a dumb blonde so I want to be 50 times smarter.'The genie turned her into a brunette. The second one said, 'I'm not that sick of being a dumb blonde so I want to be 25 times smarter. So the genie turned her into a redhead. The third one said, 'I'm not sick of being a dumb blonde at all so I want to be 50 times dumber. So the genie turned her into a man!

Two blondes are walking down the countryside, when they come across these tracks. One blonde says, 'Those are rabbit tracks.' The other blonde says, 'NO! Those are deer tracks!' They were still arguing 10 minutes later when the train hit them.

A brunette who really hated blondes was walking through the desert when she came across a magic lamp. After rubbing the lamp the genie told her that she got three wishes with one catch: All the blondes in the world would get twice whatever she asked for. So the brunette thought a while and then wished for a million dollars.'Every blonde in the world will get two million.' The brunette said that was fine and then she asked for an incredibly handsome man.'Every blonde in the world will get two incredibly handsome men.'The brunette said that was fine too and the genie granted her wishes. 'Now for your third wish.' said the genie.'See that stick over there?', asked the brunette, 'I want you to beat me half to death with it.'

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!" Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said "No. A bet's a bet". So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money." The blonde replied, "well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to economy because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the economy section. The head stewardess asks the copilot what he said to get her to move. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica".