Things I've learned from children (honest and no kidding):

* There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
* If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
* A 4 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
* If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
* It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
* Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
* You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
* When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
* A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
* The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
* When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late.
* Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
* A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
* A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
* If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak -- it explodes.
* A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
* Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
* Duplos will not.
* Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
* Super glue is forever.
* McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
* Ditto Tarzan.
* No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
* Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
* VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
* Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
* Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
* You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
* Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
* Plastic toys do not like ovens.
* The fire department in Roanoke, VA has at least a 5 minute response time.
* The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
* It will however make cats dizzy.
* Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
* Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
* A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

Elementary Science

 Definitive proof that the US system of elementary science education is
 the best in the world.  The following are actual quotes from 11 year
 olds' science exams:

 1. "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure
 gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.  H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold
 water"

 2. "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."

 3. "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test
 tube"

 4. "When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

 5. "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free
 state"

 6. "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

 7. "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

 8. "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then
 expectoration."

 9. "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

 10. "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow
 instead of the bull."

 11. "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes
 them perspire."

 12. "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can
 hold."

 13. "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like
 umbrellas."

 14. "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the
 abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains
 the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of
 which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

 15. "The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."

 16. "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

 17. "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out
 and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is
 something to hitch meat to."

 18. "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends
 towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature
 abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

 19. "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct
it
 is."

 20. "Equator: A menagerie lion running around the Earth through
Africa."

 21. "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

 22. "Litter: A nest of young puppies."

 23. "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

 24. "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

 25. "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

 26. "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

 27. "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

 28. "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is
 affirmative or negative."

 29. "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

 30. "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the
 heart stops."

 31. "For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to
 make artificial perspiration."

 32. "For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm
 above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the
nearest
 medical doctor."

 33. "For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not
 recovered, then kill it."

 34. "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient
is
 dead."

 35. "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

 36. "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in
 your throat."

 37. "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

 38. "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids,
 two molars, and  eight cuspidors."