From the Desk Of Bill Clinton
Dear Hillary:
I am sorry that things have come to this pass. It all began with Walter Murdock, Lieut., USN Ret., whose paranoia spun out of control and threatened the whole fabric of our reality. Walter sent me notes at president@whitehouse.gov in a spirit of self-importance exceeded only by my own. Those notes were duly passed on to the Secret Service, who duly scratched their heads and tried to figure out what Walter was really saying between the lines. They concluded that he was forwarding threats to the President in furtherance of his own motives, which in turn were shaped by associations that reached deeply into his past. Duly alarmed, they've now put out an APB for Walter, and at this moment are questioning his neighbors, friends and relatives concerning those associations and his hidden motives. None of this should have remotely been of concern to me, but it turns out that a close friend of mine at UC Davis was the author of one of the notes that was forwarded to me by Walter, and while his intentions and comments were completely innocent, Walter's actions have jeopardized his position at the University, which in turn has caused him very serious problems with his wife. I think you will remember his wife, Deborah Schuster, whom you met at the Inaugural Ball and whom I have known for some time.
It is a matter of some embarrasment to me that Deborah has now approached Walter Murdock with the groundless charge that I once had an affair with her, and that her husband's idle comments, turned into official fodder for the Secret Service, were born of that relationship. While all of this would seem to be a tempest in the proverbial teapot, I must admit that there was a time when Deborah and I were very close. I will not say we were intimate, but I was very vulnerable at the time and she very cruelly took advantage of my natural fondness for the opposite sex. Walter Murdock, of course, immediately apprised the investigating officer of the Secret Service of this startling development, and they of course relayed the news to me. I asked them at that time to try to find Walter before his paranoia sunk the whole ship, but upon learning of his relationship with Deborah, my friend at UC Davis became appropriately enraged and forced him into hiding. Since he was hiding at the same time the Secret Service was looking for him, he was declared a fugitive and has become the subject of an international manhunt.
Ordinarily, not even all of these events would unduly concern me, but as fate would have it, the UC Davis fellow, like you and me a graduate of Yale, had participated like you in the experiment, now discredited, which led to your being photographed in the nude. A retired professor from UC Davis now doing research at the Smithsonian on body types managed to acquire for him (for a substantial price, I might add) a copy of the photograph of you that was taken during your matriculation. With Walter safely out of his reach, he angrily decided to make a deal with the publisher of Penthouse, Bob Guccione, for publication of your picture. While I would find this embarassing, as of course you would, it seems that the publisher added an extra fillip to his presentation of your assets by adding certain indiscreet photographs taken by an ex-roomate of Deborah's from Deborah's personal scrapbook. This was of concern to me because I appear in those pictures unclothed from the neck down (I'm wearing a silly little hat, but not on my head). This picture reveals us in flagrante delicto, I'm sorry to say, although we in fact never had intercourse; it was more like that business in Arkansas with that other woman you've unfortunately been reading about.
Frankly, I could live with our pictures in Penthouse, but this whole affair has unfortunately become enmeshed in the Vince Foster matter, and the New York Times, having received advance word of the explosive contents of new month's Penthouse, has gone forward with a Vince Foster project that had been on the back burner (and I thought they had given up on it, frankly). They plan to tie his suicide to the relationship between Deborah, the UC Davis fellow and myself, claiming that it was an unsavory bisexual relationship whose details had come to him through an overzealous Naval officer who remains unidentified.
Normally, this would not unduly excite me, but again, certain photographs have come to light -- or at least are swimming toward the light, meaning publication in the New York Times sister publication, US Magazine, and these again involve me in certain unclothed shenanigans that could be misconstrued by the naive as suggesting the existence of an appetite on my part for unusual sex practices. Nothing could be further from the truth, of course, but with this revelation the Times has also learned that both Deborah and the professor are afflicted with a terrible disease, and I don't mean genital herpes, although that is part of the problem. I am referring, of course, to AIDS.
As you know, I am as tolerant of alternative sexual behaviors and their potential outcomes as the next person (assuming that that is Al Gore), and far be it from me to condemn Deborah or her husband for having roped me into posing with them in ways that could be construed to suggest that I am likely to have become a carrier of AIDS in consequence. I am not saying, of course, that I do have AIDS, although at this point I must confess that that is what the White House doctor says; I have to caution you that his tests are potentially flawed, and not at all foolproof. Nonetheless, as this might be an issue of concern to you, considering the relationship that has deveoped between you since the (aptly named) Inaugural Ball, I wanted to present it to you as directly as possible under the circumstances. Lacking television time (and perhaps the gumption, I admit) to spell it out in my State of the Union Address, I have chosen this rather more appropriate approach. I trust that Walter will forward it to you via the Secret Service along with all the other nonsense he has accumulated, and that after appropriate analysis and screening, they will pass it on to you in my absence.
I love you and miss you already.

Sincerely,

Bill

In the past, I felt that many times our government was ignorant of our lifestyles here in the West, but when a recent article, written by the *Billings Gazette*, was brought to my attention, I didn't realize just how bad it really is! According to the article, President Clinton learned there were 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado. Since Clinton was so upset with ranchers' protests over his grazing policies, he told U.S. Secretary of Interior Bruce Babbitt to fire half the cattle guards immediately! Before Babbitt could proceed with the President's wishes, Colorado representative Pat Schroeder intervened with a request that before any were fired, they would be given six months of retraining. Yes, folks, what you have read is true. Hilarious, depending on how you look at it. SCARY, definitely.

Bill Clinton has just had a major new policy decision that he thinks is going to save America. So he goes to talk it over with Senator Dole. Dole says, "Well Bill, the Republicans aren't to sure about this, why do you go back to the White House and write a 20,000 word essay on your ideas, aims, etc. and If you give it to me by 8am tomorrow, we'll think about it." So Bill goes back and does probably that hardest nights work ever, he really put his heart and soul into the paper and proudly handed it over to Bod, he told him to come back the next day when the republicans would pass judgement. The next day Bill again trudges in and Bob says, "Well Mr President, we were impressed with the paper, but there were a couple of spelling mistakes, so here's the deal, here's a dice, if you role 1 to 5 we won't pass it." "But what if I get a 6?" Bill asks. And Bob replies, "You get to roll again".

President Clinton ordered a cost saving program to the U.S. Army commander. "Cut anywhere, but you must cut in any way possible." "OK," said the commander and looked around at some way to cut spending. Perhaps if he could get rid of some old records, that may please the President. So he went to the storage depot and discover that the Army still had menus and supply orders of food from the Civil War. Very pleased that he could show this worthless orders to the President, he ask if he might distroy all the papers."Why, yes," said Clinton. "But be sure to make two copies of each before you do."

Saw a cartoon in Reason Magazine, Richard Nixon sitting next to Bill Clinton. Tricky Dick turns to Billy Jeff and say, "Slick Willie. I like that."

Bill and Hillary were discussing a problem with Chelsea listening to Rush Limbaugh and keeping posters of Newt Gingrich in her room. Hillary told Bill she thought Chelsea was searching for a stronger Father figure. Bill said "Hey, what do you mean ? I've had Janet Reno over for Dinner three times this week already!"

The Clinton Administration released the results of a study they had been conducting over the past 2 years. This study, costing the American taxpayer $325,000,000.00 reveals that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population!!

Reporter: Could you fill in the following sentence, "I believe I should be re-elected as President because..."
President: Ah believe Ah should be re-elected as president because,
Ah, Ah'm good at following instructions.

Among the many talents of Bill Clinton, he is also an excellent ladies golf instructor. He starts out with the irons and leads them into the woods.

Bill Clinton was carrying a live turkey down the street when a man walks up and says, "Where did you get that Turkey?" The turkey replied, "I don't know, he just picked me up."

Seems that Hillary is having quite a fight with the White House decorators. She insists the washer and dryer go on the front porch.

Candidate Clinton was stumping for votes one day, and at the end of his speech, he exhorted everyone to vote for him. "Not me" came a voice from the back. "Why not?" asked Bill. "Because my father was a Republican, and his father before him, and by God, I'm going to vote Republican, too!"
"That's no way to think", retorted Bill. "What if they were all liars, adulterers, and drug addicts?" "Well then, I guess we would all vote Democratic."

A woman was married three times and was on her way to her fourth honeymoon. She confided to her new husband that she was still a virgin! "How can that be?" the husband asked incredulously. "Well, my first husband turned out to be a homosexual so our marriage did not last beyond the wedding night. My second husband had a disfiguring accident. He did not tell me this until after the wedding. My third husband was a Democrat who sat on the edge of the bed and told me how wonderful it was going to be."

From the Documentary, Feed. At a Clinton campaign rally, a supporter approached the governor and said, "You're pro-choice, right?" Clinton responded proudly, "Yes, I am.". The young man then asked with a straight face, "How many abortions are you personally responsible for?" Clinton was taken aback and said, "none", "zero" with a circular hand gesture and walked away. The young man concluded that Clinton was a good sport as he was only joking with him.
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Bill Clinton visited an Indian reservation during the campaign to address the tribe. "If elected", Clinton declared, "I will insure the rights of all native Americans." "Kowabonga", the Indians in the crowd murmured. "If elected", Clinton said, "I will work for self-rule on all reservations."
"Kowabonga!", more Indians call out. "If elected", Clinton asserted, "I will guarantee the Native Americans welfare and no taxes for all time."
"KOWABONGA! KOWABONGA", the tribe chanted as one. As the chief was escorting Clinton to his limo, Clinton says, "I thought that went rather well, didn't you?" The chief grabs Clinton's arm. "Careful", the chief says. "You almost stepped in a big pile of kowabonga,"

President Clinton offered General Raoul Cedras a cash bonus to leave Haiti, or face an invasion by the US Armed Forces. General Cedras replied: "No Tanks!"

After 30 hours of meetings, Colin Powell said, "Last chance. If you don't step down now, Jimmy Carter will start talking again."

Yessiree, Bill Clinton's already preparing for life after the presidency! I understand that in his upcoming State of the Union Address he will propose increasing in the minimum wage.

I think the Clinton administration could take a lesson from the subsidies we pay farmers not to grow things. The Department of Wolves (a new Cabinet-level deparment soon to be added by President Clinton) could pay hunters $500 **not** to kill wolves. "Heck, George, today was kinda bad. I only didn't kill ten wolves today. But yesterday was real good--I didn't kill 20 of 'em yesterday."

Why did the Secret Service double security on Hillary Clinton immediately after the inauguration? If something happens to her, then Bill will become president.

What will be the two major changes in the military under Bill Clinton? Rear admiral will have a new meaning and he will form a new special forces unit called the Pink Berets. Their motto: "We never leave our buddies behind!"

Bill Clinton was just finishing a roll in the hay with his latest floozy who asked him, "Well, do you want the good news or the bad news?" Bill replied, "I'll take the good news." "Well", she said, you're MUCH better than Magic Johnson!"

On his death bed, Bill Clinton had one last wish. "Change me into a conservative", he pleaded to Surgeon General Elders. "Why?", Joycelyn gasped in shock. "Because it is better that one of them dies rather than a liberal."

In the future, we will be able to harvest brain proteins to enhance our intelligence. The following is a scene from a brain store: Man in store: "How much are the Republican brains?" Shopkeeper: "$50 per pound and they are the most popular!" Man: "How come the Democratic brains are marked $1000 an ounce?" Shopkeeper: "Do you know how many Democrats have to be slaughtered to get an ounce of brains?"

This guy dies and he's looking in the gates of hell and he sees John Kennedy with an incredibly ugly girl. The guy turns to the Devil and asks why John Kennedy is with this hideous looking person. The Devil replies, "Well, Jack has done some bad things in his life and that's his punishment." The guy looks around a little more and sees Bill Clinton with Bo Derek. The stunned guy asks "What's Bill Clinton doing with Bo Derek?" God replied, "Well, Bo did some pretty bad things in her life."

A presidential staff advisor walks into the daily meeting a little late and notices that everyone has a glum look on their face, some even look a little frightened and Clinton isn't in the room."What's the matter" he asked "Well, we had some bad news, and just got some even worse news" "What's the bad news?" "India has detonated some atomic weapons at their underground test site; Pakistan has done the same at their proving area; and China is warning them both that this could lead to regional war, that may go nuclear.""Oh my God, what could be worse than that?" "Well, Bill just got hold of some Viagra."

What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton?

Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Clinton doesn't know the difference.


His baloney has a first name,
It's "I did not inhale."
His baloney has a second name:
"I wasn't getting tail."

He loves to sling it every day, 
The White House people all just say,
That Billy Clinton has a way,
Of making bullshit sound OK!

Do you realize that if you rearrange the letters in "Monica Lewinsky," you can get "wank my silicone," or, for that matter, "my silicone wank?" This ambiguity is what makes it so confusing.

An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women with the question: 

Would you sleep with Bill Clinton? 

1% said, "No" 
2% said, "Yes" 
97% said, "Never Again"

Clinton looks up from his desk and sees one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" exclaims the President. "It's this Abortion Bill Mr. President, what do you want to do about it?" the aide replies. "Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.

It's doubtful that President Clinton will ever be convicted of any of these sex-related charges. Starr will never be able to get the evidence to stand up in court.

What's the difference between a screwdriver and Bill Clinton?
A screwdriver turns and screws, Clinton screws 'n-turns'.

Clinton died and went to heaven-or to be more accurate-approached the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter. "It's me, Bill Clinton" "And what do you want?" asked St. Peter. "Lemme in!" replied Clinton. "Hmmm," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?" Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex -- but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury." After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."