Rules For Household Dogs
Daily Routine
The day is divided into two important sections. Mealtime. And
everything else.
I. Mealtime
1. Just because there does not seem to be anything visible around to
eat certainly does not mean there is nothing around to eat. The act
of staring at the underside of a table or chair on which someone
else is eating sets in motion a chain of events that eventually
results in food.
2. It goes without saying that you should carefully check the lower
third of any space for edibles. Mouth-sized things which cannot be
identified by sight or smell are considered gum.
3. When you actually receive a meal, submerge your head into it as
you would a shower. Never, never look up again until a minimum of
at least fifteen minutes after the obvious food is gone. This is
important. Just because your dish is empty does not mean that it is
time to stop eating.
4. Remember that all food is potentially yours up until the time
that it is actually swallowed by another. The lengthy path a piece
of food will take from a plate to a mouth via a hand is as good a
time as any to stake your claim to it.
5. When it comes to selecting an appropriate beverage, location and
packaging mean nothing. There are absolutely no exceptions to this
rule.
6. If you really see something you want, and all your other attempts
at getting it have failed, it is only right to grovel shamelessly.
As a second tactic, stare intently at the object of your desire,
allowing long gelatinous drools to leak like icicles from your lower
lip.
II. Everything Else
1. There are really only two important facial expressions to bother
with: complete and overwhelming joy and nothing at all.
2. Any time that is not meal time is potentially nap time. The best
time to take a nap is when you hear your name being called
repeatedly. The best location for a nap is dead center of any
street or driveway. The most relaxing position is on your side, all
four limbs parallel.
3. The most practical way to get dry is to shake violently near a
fully clothed person. A second effective method is to stand on a
light-colored piece of furniture.
4. Personal Safety
A. At the first hint of any irregular noise, run from room to
room yelling loudly. If someone actually comes into the house,
rush over to them whether you know them or not. Then kiss them so
violently that they lose their balance or have to force you away
physically.
B. The greatest unacknowledged threat to life as we have come to
know it is squirrels. No matter what you must do, make sure there
are none in your yard.
5. Recreation and Leisure
A. Ball: There are two equally amusing sets of rules you will
want to know.
a. The Common Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and
return it.
b. The Preferred Form, in which you receive a thrown ball
and eat it.
B. Car: As you know, any open car door is an invitation to get
in. Once inside, your only goal is to try to get out.
6. Health
A. In the event of a trip to the doctor, always be on your guard.
If you are vaccinated, urinate on the physician.
Dog Chuckle #3
--------------
Debbie and Glenn Bodman were planning a vacation in Florida, but
they didn't know what to do with their dog. So Mr. Bodman wrote the
hotel manager and asked if dogs were allowed. He promptly answered:
"Dear Sir:
"I've been in the hotel business for thirty years and I've
never had to call the police to eject a disorderly dog; never had
a dog set fire to a bed with a cigarette; never found a hotel
towel in a dog's suitcase; and never had a dog leave a glass ring
on the top of the dresser. Your dog is welcome.
Signed: Manager Smith
"P.S. If your dog will vouch for you, you can come along, too."
DOES YOUR DOG OWN YOU?
See how many of these statements apply to you and your dog.
- You believe every dog is a lapdog.
- If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.
- You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your
kids.
- You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your
dog.
- You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.
- You can't fully enjoy yourself without your dog.
- No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and
your dog(s).
- You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for
yourself.
- You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even
when you know where his lips have been.
- You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog
in the neighborhood. You know their names.
- You let the neighbor dog sleep over.
- You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.
- Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.
- When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice.
- You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first.
- You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers.
- Your dog taught you to fetch and roll over.
Dog Report
Dog Question---
Why is it that if all things have some gravity of their
own, my fat little dog Chester has no tiny little planets and
asteroids and satellites and comets sailing around him in
some strange cosmic symphony?
Dog Answer---
In fact he does, they're just too small for you to see.
There are dust mites, dust motes, fleas, ticks, and specks of
dog biscuit powder whirling around him constantly, in a
strange cosmic symphony. In fact, the symphony is being
conducted by Leonard Burns-Sting, the famous dust mite
conductor and composer. You should feel honored.
Dogs, The Way They Are
----------------------
A dog will stay stupid all his life. That's why we love
them so much. The entire time we know them, they're idiots.
Think of your dog. Every time you come home, he thinks it's
amazing. He has no idea how you accomplish this every day.
You walk in the door, the joy of this experience overwhelms
him. He looks at you, "HE'S BACK, IT'S THAT GUY, THAT SAME
GUY." He can't believe it. Everything is amazing to your
dog. "ANOTHER CAN OF FOOD? I DON'T BELIEVE IT."
Dogs want to be people. That's what their lives are
about. They don't like being a dog. They're with people all
the time, they want to graduate. My dog would sit there all
day, he would watch me walk by, he would think to himself, "I
COULD DO THAT! HE'S NOT THAT GOOD."
That's why the greatest, most exciting moment in the
life of a dog is the front seat of the car. You and him in
the front seat. It's the only place where your head and his
head are on the exact same level. He sits up there, he
thinks, "THIS IS MORE LIKE IT. YOU AND ME TOGETHER, THIS IS
THE WAY IT SHOULD BE." He looks out the front. What's he
looking at? He's a dog. "WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE, A
RIGHT OR A LEFT? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE I AM."
They have a hard time. They stand up, they sit down,
they can't handle the turns either way. No matter which way
you turn, he's not ready. They don't know what to do. And
then comes the great moment of frustration. You stop
someplace and get something to eat. This kills him. You get
a hamburger, this blows his mind. "INSTANT FOOD WHENEVER YOU
WANT IT?" You know what this means to him? You ever see the
look on this face? He looks over at you. "HOW'D YOU GET
THAT? ARE THEY GIVING IT TO EVERYBODY NOW? YOU THINK I
COULD GET ONE?" They can't get anything.
Dogs have no money, Isn't that amazing? They're broke
their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs
have no money? .......... No pockets.
How Dogs Are Like Cars:
-----------------------
1-They have bad breath.
2-If you park a new one in your living room, it may soil the carpet.
3-Some of the newer models have the charming dog-like habit of getting
alarmed at anyone who passes within 100 feet of their parking space
waking up everyone in the neighborhood at 2:00 am, until you make it
shut up.
4-People give them silly names.
5-Big ones require a lot of space.
6-Fancy, expensive purebreds are more temperamental.
7-If they make funny noises, it means there's trouble.
8-Other people's cars (but never your own) can be a nuisance.
9-They require a lot of attention and expensive maintenance. If you
don't give it to them, they will require even more expensive
maintenance.
10-You are held legally responsible for what they do.
11-They chase cars.
12-People talk to them even though they don't listen.
13-They have appeared in TV shows and movies in which they were more
intelligent and interesting than any of the humans involved.
14-You have to get a license to own one.
15-You can find out where they come from by looking at their tags.
16-Clothing looks silly on them (especially bras).
17-They come with their own internal heating systems that can keep you
warm in the winter.
18-There are a lot of blind people using them (your perspective only).
19-Sometimes fluid leakage is a problem.
20-Sentimentality can cause you to buy a lot of expensive toys for
them.
21-They cost a lot to feed. (This varies according to breed and size.)
22-They have their own agendas that have nothing to do with yours.
How Dogs and Men are the Same
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both like to chew wood.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
Both tend to smell riper with age.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does dishes.
Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
How Men are Better than Dogs
Men have only two feet that track in mud.
Men can buy you presents.
Men don't play with every man they see when you take them
around the block.
Men are a little more subtle.
Men don't eat cat turds on the sly.
Men open their own cans.
Dogs have dog-breath all the time.
Men can do math stuff.
Holiday Inns accept men.
Why Dogs are Better than Men
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they
never laugh at how you throw).
Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent because they
know the most important thing is that you are together.
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
No dog ever voted to confirm Clarence Thomas.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
Dogs are good with kids.
Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
Gorgeous dogs don't know they are gorgeous.
The worst social disease you can get from your dog is fleas.
(okay...the *really* worst disease you can get from them
is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to
kill the one that gives it to you.)
Dogs understand what no means.
Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.
Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.
Dogs understand if some of their friends can not come inside.
Dogs do not read at the table.
Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
You can house train a dog.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a
younger owner.
Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.
Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.
Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.
Dogs admit it when they are lost.
Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
Dogs look at your eyes.
Dogs like your size.
Dogs do not care whether or not you shave your legs.
Dogs are color blind.
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs are nice to your relatives.
Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.
BASIC RULES FOR DOGS WHO HAVE A YARD TO PROTECT
NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the
front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway
every morning for that purpose.
VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge
across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If
the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and
growl gently to show your concern.
BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark---
a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their
house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in
their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep
waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark,
bark, bark...
LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately
before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to
fetch your human a towel.
HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and
upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so
they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of
each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough
holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this
problem.
DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the
family dog to sleep.
THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is
your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially
when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the
floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as
much of the house as possible.
GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your
master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all
your humans have gone to bed.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use
the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite---catch
them. It spoils all the fun.
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe.
WHEN DOGS EXPLODE
-----------------
If a dog has 546 fleas, and the dog explodes, sending each flea
flying along a different three-dimensional vector of random direction
and of magnitude distributed between 10m/s and 100m/s (assume uniform
random distribution), and one of the fleas starts squawking madly and
another one says to him, "RADIO!!! RADIO!!!", what color was the dog?
Red, of course. Exploding dogs are always red.
Wrong, wrong, wrong. You didn't read the question carefully. He
asked what color the dog *was*, not what color it now *is*.
Ok. We all know that fleas are fiercely territorial creatures. And
that in fact each flea requires about 2.4 sq. cm of hide to coexist
peacefully with other fleas on the same host. Assuming that the host
dog was completely covered with fleas (i.e. had reached maximal flea
bearing capacity) at the time of detonation, we can extrapolate the
total surface area of the host dog with the formula:
A = f * e
Where A = total surface area of host dog in square centimeters.
f = number of fleas found on host dog.
e = "elbow room" in square centimeters required by each flea.
Substituting, we have:
A = 546 * 2.4 = 1310.4 sq. cm
Exploding dog tissue typically has a force of 100 psi/gram in free
space (note that this figure assumes no artificial accellerants, such
as gun cotton have been introduced into the dog). And a typical flea
(Siphonaptera) weighs .4 mg. Knowing that the force required to
accelerate an object weighing .4 mg to a terminal velocity in the range
of 10m/s to 100m/s is 890 psi, we can again extrapolate the weight of
our host dog with the formula:
W = s * N * (890 / 100)
Where W = weight in milligrams of host dog.
s = weight of one Siphonaptera (a flea)
N = number of fleas found.
Again, substituting, we have:
W = .4 * 546 * (89 / 100) = 20784 mg
So, we're talking about a dog that weighs about 2 kg, with a
surface area of 1310 sq. cm.
I know of only one species of dog that matches the above
dimensions, and that is one of those funny looking dogs with the loose,
wrinkled skin. In my experience, these dogs are always gray in color,
so the answer to Kibo's question, without doubt, is gray.