HOT WHEELS -- LEADING THE WAY
A District Court judge in a DWI case in Winston-Salem, North Carolina asked the arresting officer to describe his probable cause for stopping the suspect's car. the officer replied: "Well, judge, he had apparently been riding for a long time with one foot on the gas, and one foot on the brakes. When he went by us, both of his front tires were on fire. We thought it might be a good idea to stop him." Asked to describe the defendant's condition, the officer replied "He was pretty well lit -- just like the tires."

SAYONARA, GENIUS
An Arlington, Texas man pulled a gun on a couple of armored car drivers and made off with several bags of cash. The gunman didn't get far, though: he had parked his getaway car next to a bus full of Japanese tourists. Fascinated by the robbery, the tourists snapped numerous pictures of the crook and his car, including several clear shots of the car's license plate.

HEY Y'ALL WATCH THESE!
A well-endowed Kansas woman -- who was also quite intoxicated -- decided to lift her shirt and expose her "charms" to a passing train. Unfortunately, the flirty flasher got a little too close, and was sucked into the side of the train by the wind. She ended up with two broken arms and some facial lacerations, and was later charged with criminal tresspassing.

YOU'VE HEARD OF CUTTING OFF YOUR NOSE TO SPITE YOUR FACE? WELL...
What do you do if you are a Siamese twin and your better half really gets on your nerves? Don't try what the late Marco de Solisa did to his late brother Roberto in Sao Paulo, Brazil. After a heated argument, Marco pulled out a revolver and shot his brother in the head. Unfortunately, since they shared portions of the same circulatory system, when Roberto died, Marco soon followed.

I SWEAR, YOU GUYS -- IT WAS JUST A COINCIDENCE!
Two Panama City, Florida police officers suffered minor injuries when their patrol cars collided on their way to a robbery call. The crash caused an estimated 40-thousand dollars in damage to the two cars. The officers no doubt took some ribbing after the incident: they were rushing to investigate a holdup at Ce-Ce's Donut Hut.

HEY - JUST HOW BAD DO YOU WANNA MEET WOMEN?
A man in Buffalo, New York was arrested after a complaint by a women who had answered the man's babysitting ad. When she arrived, the man told her that the baby was...himself. The man handed the woman a typewritten sheet of instructions on how to change his diaper. Police say they found other copies of the instructions in the man's car, along with a large diaper. The suspect told investigators he'd found the baby-sitting ad was "a great way to meet women."

SMILE! YOU'RE ON ATM CAMERA!
A Kingsport, Tennessee man was arrested for beating up an A-T-M machine with a tire iron. When the man discovered the A-T-M wasn't working and wouldn't return his card, he allegedly got the tire tool and attacked the machine. Authorities say the suspect vandalized the A-T-M for 20 minutes, causing damage estimated at more than $10,000. He was arrested after police recovered the A-T-M's video camera, which recorded the entire attack.

A BIG IN HIS PLAN
An amateur marksman in Guthrie, Oklahoma tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle. the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit a friend standing nearby. The friend suffered a fractured skull. The millipede escaped without injuries.

AMERICA'S FUNNIEST RESCUE 911 BLOOPERS
A Georgia man attempted to burglarize a hardware store after hours recently. The man entered the store by cutting a hole in the roof. After entering, he realized he couldn't reach the hole to get back out. Panicked and Apparently Unable to think of anything better, he called 911 for help. Police who arrested the man say they're puzzled why he didn't try to use one of several ladders which were part of the hardware store's stock.

SOMEBODY TELL THIS GUY WHAT "MESSY" MEANS
A man in Port Orange, Florida was arrested for attacking his family with a butcher knife. The man told police that he was distraught over his failing marriage, and went after his wife and two daughters with a meat cleaver because he "wanted to avoid a messy divorce."

NICE MOVE, EINSTEINS
A woman in Grand Forks, North Dakota was testifying at the trial of two men accused of beating her up and robbing her at gunpoint. The woman burst into tears as she described the ordeal. The prosecutor listened intently to the story, paused, then asked "And are the two perpetrators of this terrible crime present in the courtroom today?" immediately, The defendants both raised their hands and said "Here!"

THE GOOD NEWS? NOW THERE ARE TWO LESS BANJOS
A 63-year-old West Milton, Ohio man bludgeoned his wife to death with a pair of banjos. one investigator said: "I've been an officer for 30 years, and that's the first banjo killing I've seen." the banjo smasher has been charged with aggravated murder. When the first banjo broke while he was striking the woman, the man got a second banjo and continued the assault.

HEY Y'ALL -- WATCH THIS!
A 23-year-old man in Craig, Colorado shot himself after trying to poach an elk near a railroad track. The man was lying beside the track and resting the barrel of his rifle on the rail when he spotted the elk. His shot missed the elk but hit the other rail four feet away, causing the bullet to bounce back and hit him in the face.

D.U.I SUSPECT GETS HIS PANTIES IN A WAD -- LITERALLY
A Canadian DUI suspect recently tried to beat a drunk driving charge by...eating his underwear. The man was pulled over by police after they spotted his car swerving down the highway. As he sat in the back of the patrol car, the suspect ripped the crotch out of his underwear and stuffed it into his mouth. The man told the judge in the case he had eaten his shorts because he hoped the cotton fabric would absorb the alcohol before he took a breathalyzer test.

ODB? MEET BLT.
Randy Thomas -- now known as "The BLT" to his fellow inmates -- was sentenced to 3-and-a-half years in prison for a bacon-related assault. Thomas and a co-defendant beat a man up, tied him to a tree, and covered him with bacon in the hopes that wild animals would attack. The victim, though greasy, survived.

YEAR'S WORST CAREER MOVE
A woman in Bethesda, Maryland, was arrested for leaving her 2-year-old son alone for 30 minutes in a van in the police station parking lot. Investigators say that while the woman was gone, the inside of the van reached 120 degrees. The woman was at the police station being fingerprinted so she could get a license to open a day-care center.

A TURKEY OF A HEIST
They say some criminals actually want to be caught, so they subconsciously leave clues behind. But a Thanksgiving day burglary in Greenville, Pennsylvania was probably just a case of plain old stupidity. Greenville police say a 35-year-old suspect broke into a home and absconded with a fully-cooked, partially eaten turkey. He also took a large relish tray, which is what turned out to be his undoing. Witnesses saw the thief leaving the scene of the crime with the relish tray, full of goodies, precariously balanced on top of a box holding the turkey. Apparently, the trail of deviled eggs, carrot sticks, and celery he left in his wake was enough to lead police to the suspect's home, where they arrested him.

MOVE OVER JEFF GORDON -- HERE'S THE REAL WONDER BOY
An Alabama man was arrested for having his 4-year-old nephew drive him to the sheriff's department because he didn't have his drivers license. Jail employees standing in the parking lot watched in amazement as a small child drove up in a 1977 Cadillac DeVille. The boy was standing in the driver's seat behind the wheel, and his uncle was working the gas and brake from the passenger seat. The pair had driven the car that way for six miles, from the man's home in Mount Moriah to the Moultrie jail. The man's license had been taken by police duringa roadside license check. he told police he put his nephew behind the wheel because he didn't want to get in trouble by driving to the jail without a license.

HEY -- DID SOMEBODY STEP ON A DUCK?
A Scandinavian Airlines flight from London was held up for six hours last week while flight technicians searched the plane for the source of a mysterious odor -- which turned out to be coming from one of the plane's passengers. The airline evacuated all the passengers from the plane after the crew noticed an oily odor in the cabin that they thought might be a fire or fuel leak. The source of the smell turned out to be a passenger with a brand new oilskin coat. Oilskin is a cloth made waterproof by treating it with oil, and new garments often give off a pungent, oily smell. The captain of the plane ordered that the coat be stored in the plane's cargo hold.

CRACK DEALER'S STREET SMARTS LET HIM DOWN
A suspected drug dealer was arrested after selling some crack cocaine to three Vancouver police officers, even though all three were wearing full police uniforms. The cops spotted the suspicious-looking man during a routine patrol and waved a ten-dollar bill at him. The suspect took the money and handed a small quantity of crack over to them, and was arrested immediately. He told the cops that he had noticed the uniforms, but because they were in an unmarked car, he thought they were on their way to a costume party.

THIS STUFF'LL MAKE ME A FORTUNE WHEN I -- OOPS!
A burglar broke into a single-engine airplane parked at the Knox County, Ohio airport and stole several hundred dollars' worth of electronic navigation equipment, including the plane's Emergency Locator Transmitter. During the getaway, the ham-fisted thief jarred the E.L.T. hard enough to activate it, which made it pretty easy for police to track him down. (When an E.L.T. is activated, it sends a signal that looks like a small fireworks display to every air traffic control screen in the region.)

IS THAT A FAKE THINGIE IN YOUR POCKET, OR ARE YOU JUST GLAD TO SEE ME?
A heroin addict on probation for burglary tried to pull a fast one on police in San Antonio, Texas by using a fake penis to provide urine during a mandatory drug test. A probation department official who was ovserving the man provide the sample noticed right away that the "unit" was not even close to being the same color as the man's skin. Also, the urine was discharging from all different angles like a water sprinkler. The official says the man fumbled with the device, then dropped it out of his shorts, barely managing to catch it before it hit the floor. He added that the urine, which was not the suspect's, was ice cold because it had been in a refrigerator. The man, who will likely be sent to prison to serve his ten year burglary sentence, was four months away from finishing his probation.

NOBODY KNOWS LIKE DOMINOS -- ESPECIALLY THIS GUY
A pizza delivery driver in Wilmington, North Carolina was robbed during a delivery recently. When the driver arrived at the address on the order, the man inside asked for change for a 50-dollar bill. When the driver said he didn't have it, the man pulled a steak knife and demanded money. The robber then jumped in his car and drove away. The driver noted the man's license plate number and called police, who arrived a few minutes later and arrested the man when he returned home.

HEY Y'ALL -- WATCH THIS!
A 19-year-old Bowling Green, Ohio, student had his head bloodied when he was struck by a passing train. The victim told police he was trying to see how close to the moving train he could place his head without getting hit.

PRACTICE MAKES PERF -- OOPS!
A thief who robbed a suburban New Orleans sandwich shop wasn't hard to track down, even though he had carefully worked out the crime ahead of time. The suspect practiced his entrance for several minutes before going into the store, but discovered later that had done his rehearsals right in front of the store's outside security camera.

AND FINALLY...
Authorities in Providence, Rhode Island are seeking a man known as "Honda" Brown, suspected of gang-related activities. According to police, "Honda" was last seen fleeing in a Chevette about two weeks after he was the target of a drive-by shooting while sitting in a Buick Century.