WHAT ARE YA GONNA DO -- LOCK ME UP?
An Abingdon, Virginia man has pleaded guilty to mailing threatening letters to more than a dozen public officials, including Virginia governor Jim Gilmore. He wasn't hard to catch -- he mailed the letters from the Keene Mountain prison in Buchannon County, where he's serving a 16 year sentence for robbery and grand larceny. The mad mailer even put his return address at the prison on the envelopes.

HOT WHEELS -- LEADING THE WAY
A District Court judge in a DWI case in Winston-Salem, North Carolina asked the arresting officer to describe his probable cause for stopping the suspect's car. the officer replied: "Well, judge, he had apparently been riding for a long time with one foot on the gas, and one foot on the brakes. When he went by us, both of his front tires were on fire. We thought it might be a good idea to stop him." Asked to describe the defendant's condition, the officer replied "He was pretty well lit -- just like the tires."

ONE SHOE? YOU STOLE ONE SHOE?
A Gifford, Florida woman who burglarized her neighbor's house might have gotten away it if she owned an electric clothes dryer. The neighbor noticed her missing Harley-Davidson beach towel hanging on the woman's clothesline and called police. A search of the woman's house turned up a variety of other items the neighbor had reported missing, including a television, a box of hair-care products, and one of the neighbor's shoes.

STEP ONE -- ARREST ME
A Balitimore woman wanted on a burglary charge was arrested after a police officer investigating the case saw her being interviewed on television. The woman, one of the lesser-known of 25 candidates running for mayor of Baltimore, was at a local TV station giving an interview on her ideas about how to fight crime.

FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS -- THIS IS A...
A first-time bank robber in Texas gave six $50 bills to a teller and asked her to exchange them for hundreds. As she did, the man pulled a ski mask over his face and told her "this is a holdup." When the teller screamed and ducked behind the counter, the robber panicked and ran out of the bank. Not only did he not complete the robbery, but he left his own $300 behind.

SO I'M ORGANIZED. SO WHAT?
A Louisiana burglar took a suitcase to a residential burglary and filled it full of loot. When police came by and caught him in the act, the man dropped the suitcase and fled. When the cops opened the suitcase, they found not only the stolen items, but a court notice ordering the crook to appear at a hearing for a previous burglary.

MASKED ROBBER TROUBLE: EPISODE ONE
Two thieves in Foster, Rhode Island entered a convenience store, sprayed the cashier with pepper spray, and grabbed $150 in cash from the register. But as they were headed for the door, the thieves noticed the overhead security camera and realized they'd forgotten to put on their masks. The men stopped dead in their tracks to put on their masks, even though the camera had already gotten a good look at their faces. To make matters worse, one of the thieves forgot to take a lit cigarette out of his mouth before putting on his mask, causing a nasty burn to his face.

MASKED ROBBER TROUBLE: EPISODE TWO
A Tallahassee, Florida robber did remember to put on his mask before arriving for an 11:15 pm convenience store robbery. one problem: the store had closed at 11:00. The man charged toward the store's front door, not realizing it was locked, and managed to hit it head first, knocking himself out. He was still lying dazed on the sidewalk when police arrived to arrest him.

MASKED ROBBER TROUBLE: EPISODE THREE
In Philadelphia, a man planning a holdup put on his mask before leaving home. Police spotted the masked marvel as he drove to the crime scene and followed him, catching him in the act.

EVER HAVE ONE OF THOSE DAYS?
A Tampa, Florida burglar climbed to the roof of a convenience store from the alley and attempted entry by breaking through the roof, not realizing that the store was open 24 hours a day. The crook botched the "entry" and fell through the ceiling of the store, landing in front of a police patrolman having a cup of coffee on his break.

THE NAKED TRUTH
This summer's heat was apparently too much for a man in Pekin, Illinois, who was arrested in August on two counts of public nakedness, including gardening in only work gloves, sandals and a straw hat. The man has been arrested 19 times since 1962 for public nudity. A judge ordered him to remain clothed in public for the next two years or face up to 14 months in jail. "I can't assure anything," the man told the judge. "I just hope the heat wave's over."

BIG SCORE AT THE BIG HOUSE
Four men toting machine guns broke into a minimum security jail in Sao Paulo, Brazil and stole the money that the jail's inmates were preparing to send home to their families on Father's Day. Said the jail's director: "Bandits robbing convicts is just appalling. There are no values left among them."

AND FINALLY...
A hotel cashier in Thailand was arrested and accused of embezzling $12,000, which carried a maximum sentence of 865 years in prison. The suspect was advised that if he cooperated by pleading guilty, he would get a lighter sentence. He agreed, and the court reduced his sentence -- to 576 years.

SAYONARA, GENIUS
An Arlington, Texas man pulled a gun on a couple of armored car drivers and made off with several bags of cash. The gunman didn't get far, though: he had parked his getaway car next to a bus full of Japanese tourists. Fascinated by the robbery, the tourists snapped numerous pictures of the crook and his car, including several clear shots of the car's license plate.

EVER HAVE ONE OF THOSE DAYS?
Employees of a Kroger store in Athens, Alabama observed a customer stuffing steaks down the front of his pants and chased him into the store's parking lot. The man ran across the lot in a heavy downpour and jumped on a bicycle. During his getaway, the man ran into a utility pole and knocked himself out. As police arrived, the suspect regained consciousness and jumped into a nearby creek. The swift currents from the heavy rain were too much for the man, who had to be rescued from the creek by the fire department.

IF YOU'RE GONNA ACT LIKE ONE, YOU MIGHT AS WELL DRESS LIKE ONE
A homeless man went into a Circle K convenience store in St. Petersburg Florida to rob the place, but didn't have a mask. So he grabbed a transparent garbage bag and threw it over his head. One investigator said "it looked like a big propylactic hanging down to his waist. We got some very nice video from the store's security camera." The thief was arrested two days later while breaking into a house, and has been charged with robbery, attempted burglary, and trying to escape.

SHOULDA SEEN THIS ONE COMING
Two thieves who broke into a house in Oklahoma were caught red-handed by the resident of the home -- an Oklahoma state trooper. These were apparently not the most observant burglars in the history of crime: they had walked through the trooper's garage -- right past his marked patrol car -- on the way into the house.

DUMMIES GRAB DUMMIES
Two thieves did a smash-and-grab robbery of a display window at a cellular telephone store in Winston-Salem, NC. The next morning, the store manager noticed the damage when he opened for business and filed a report with the police. When investigators asked for the estimated value of the phones the manager said, "About $10. They were dummy models made out of solid plastic."

HEY -- WHAT IS THIS CRAP? OH...IT'S CRAP!
Three teenagers who grabbed a package from a woman's car in Des Moines, Iowa recently were in for an unpleasant surprise: the package contained droppings from the woman's dog. The victim said she had been walking her Cairn terrier "Tippy" and had used the bag to pick up after him. She said when she finished, she wrapped the 4-by-5-inch package and set it down on her car trunk. That's when the three teenagers rushed by. One grabbed the bundle and yelled "Thank you." The victim said she looked up, saw the trio racing away, and replied, "You're welcome." She told police,"I just wish I could have seen their faces when they opened it up."

BANK CUSTOMER GETS P***ED
A man in Neilsville, Wisconsin was sentenced to 20 days in jail for urinating on an automatic teller machine when he couldn't get any money out of it. The man apparently became upset after the ATM wouldn't give him any money because his accounts were empty. The bank's security camera recorded the suspect dropping his pants and taking a whiz on the machine, causing it to short circuit. He pleaded no contest to the charges of disorderly conduct, indecent exposure, and criminal damage to property. In addition to the jail time, the man will pay 85-hundred dollars in damages, and is not allowed to have an ATM card during his 3 years probation.

UM...COULD YOU FOLKS EXCUSE ME JUST A MOMENT?
A Columbus, Ohio police officer who was instructing bank employees on what to do during a robbery was interrupted by...a bank robbery. The suspect entered the bank and handed a teller a note demanding cash. He had somehow missed the uniformed police officer standing at a nearby teller window. The officer interrupted his class and tackled the robber after a short foot chase. The suspect has been linked to 43 other robberies.

MAKES THAT "IN THE BUTT, BOB" GUY LOOK LIKE A GENIUS
In a recent interview in the Los Angeles Times, Newlywed Game host Bob Eubanks recalled one of his most memorable moments on the show. Eubanks asked one female contestant to remember something her husband had told her not the talk about. "She said her husband and her cousin were going to kill her uncle for the insurance money," Eubanks said. "I was even more shocked when her husband came back and matched her answer."

WHAT'S UP, G?
Police in Miami are calling them "the G-String Gang." Residents of suburban apartment complexes have reported 30 flasher incidents in recent weeks. The men all wear black g-strings, bandanas, and goatees or moustaches. The suspects reportedly approach residents and ask if they are allowed to wear a g-string in the apartment pool, then pull down their skimpy attire and flash their victims. Cops say the gang is a group of six men, who always wear the same outfit and share information about favorite targets. Says one investigator: "They want us to think it's only one person so we'll make one arrest and put our guard down so the other guys can keep doing it. I dunno if it's the season or what. They're just coming out of the woodwork."

THE YOSEMITE SAM HANDYMAN AWARD
A man in Little Rock, Arkansas started a fire that destroyed a mobile home and injured the home's owner. The blaze started when the man used a cigarette lighter to look inside a gasoline can to determine whether there was water inside.

AYE CARUMBA!
A Mexican man arrived at an airport in Oakland, California carrying a faked American ID. What he apparently didn't know: the man he was impersonating was a fugitive wanted on burglary and concealed weapons charges. One customs official called it "kind of a loser thing to do."

SHE HAD A FRIEND WHO DIED OF THE MELISSA VIRUS
A Hong Kong woman forked out over $15,000 to buy stomach pills after con men told her the pills could cure the millennium bug. The woman, who apparently did not know the millennium bug is a computer problem and not a physical ailment, handed over the money after the conmen convinced her she could make big profits by reselling them.

AND FINALLY...
A New Jersey state employee resigned recently after being arrested for driving while intoxicated. John Holli, a 16-year veteran of the state's Department of Law and Pulbic Safety, lost his job as the director of the New Jersey Division of Alcoholic Beverage Control.
As heard on the John Boy & Billy Big Show