WRONG PLACE/WRONG TIME
A Greensboro, NC police officer leaving work one evening noticed an interior light on in a car parked near the police department. Upon investigating, he discovered a drunk who had broken into the car, grabbed a handful of change from the ashtray, and passed out in the front seat. Bad choice: the vehicle was an unmarked Greensboro patrol car. The officer said the hapless thief was unconscious with the change in his hand and his head resting on the police band radio.

WRONG PLACE/WRONG TIME PART II
A drunken pedestrian in McKenzie, Tennessee flagged down what he thought was a passing cab and told the driver "Let's go!" His ride turned out to be a police squad car on its way to the city jail. So while the man didn't get the ride he expected, he did end up where he needed to be.

HEY Y'ALL WATCH THESE!
A well-endowed Kansas woman -- who was also quite intoxicated -- decided to lift her shirt and expose her "charms" to a passing train. Unfortunately, the flirty flasher got a little too close, and was sucked into the side of the train by the wind. She ended up with two broken arms and some facial lacerations, and was later charged with criminal tresspassing.

SO I LIKE SOUVENIRS -- IS THAT SO WRONG?
A man in Ypsilanti, Michigan was arrested for drunk driving. During a computer background check, police discovered he was driving with a suspended license. While in the squad car, he also engaged in a little petty larceny -- he stole a pair of police handcuffs. The theft was discovered a short time later while the suspect was being frisked at the police station.

LEVELLING THE PLAYING FIELD?
Sherrif's deputies in San Francisco have called a halt to a jailhouse law course thatthey say teaches inmates how to conceal crimes, thrwart police investigations, and avoid arrest. The class included instructions on how to avoid talking to police without an attorney being present, how to prevent police with search warrants from entering one's home, and how to avoid being manipulated by the "good cop, bad cop'' style of interrogation. In at least one class, inmates were advised to avoid stealing from larger department stores because they have better security, according to deputies. The classes were being funded by a donation from a former inmate. The civil rights attorney who taught the courses defended the curriculum, saying "Rich people who can afford their own lawyers get this information sitting in fancy offices. What I was trying to do was level the playing field a little bit."

A DUMB CROOK NEWS SPECIAL ASSIGNMENT REPORT: DUMB INMATE LAWSUITS
- A convicted New York rapist sued the state, claiming he lost sleep and suffered headaches and chest pains after being given a "defective haircut" by an unqualified barber.
- A Nevada inmate sued when he ordered two jars of chunky peanut butter at the Nevada State Prison canteen and received one chunky and one creamy.
- A San Quentin death row inmate sued California, claiming his civil rights were violated because his packages were sent via UPS rather than the U.S. Postal Service.
- An Oklahoma inmate alleged his religious freedoms were violated but could not say just how, because the main tenet of his faith was that all its practices were secret.
- An Arizona inmate sued when he was not invited to a pizza party that prison employees held for a guard leaving his job.
- An Indiana prisoner sued because he wanted to obtain Rogaine for his baldness.
- An Ohio inmate sued for being denied possession of soap on a rope.
- An Oklahoma inmate sued because he was forced to listen to country music.
- A Colorado con sued for early release because "everyone knows a con only serves about three years of a 10-year sentence."
- And a Virginia inmate tried to sue himself for 5 million dollars on the grounds that he had gotten drunk and caused himself to violate his religious beliefs by committing a crime. Because he had no money, he wanted the state to pay the 5 million.

THANK GOODNESS YOU CAME BY AND -- UH OH...
A man in Hermiston, Oregon spent 40 anxious minutes locked in his car's trunk. The police officer who arrived to rescue him ended up taking him straight to jail. Police say the man was in the trunk changing into a disguise after robbing a branch of U.S. Bank when he accidentally locked himself in. He was "rescued" by a police officer who was walking by and heard his cries for help.

OKAY BABYFACE, THAT'S FAR ENOUGH
A six-year-old boy went on the lam recently after escaping from a day care center in Fairfield, Ohio. The kid found his way to a second-hand toy store, where he hot-wired a battery-powered Monster Truck to use as his getaway car. "He hooked up the battery, took off the price tag and rode away," the store owner said. The pint-size fugitive traveled nearly a mile through heavy traffic on a busy state highway just outside of Cincinnati before he was recaptured.

NOT THE KIND OF "BONUS" HE HAD IN MIND
A man brought three pies to the checkout at a grocery store in Oswego, New York recently and asked if they would be cheaper if he used his frequent shopper's bonus card. The clerk said yes, and as she was scanning the card, the man flashed a gun and demanded money. He left the store with $600 cash, but police were able to arrest him a short time later because his bonus card had helpfully entered his name and address into the store's computer. The suspect's name is...Jesse James IV.

DANG -- I THOUGHT THESE LOOKED FAMILIAR!
Police in Beckley, West Virginia had received several complaints about car break-ins at a hotel parking lot, so they decided to set a trap. The cops placed unclaimed merchandise from previous thefts inside several trucks parked at the hotel. The suspect arrested in the case was attempting to steal the same set of tools that had been used to convict him in a robbery case two years ago.

ATTACK OF THE FLAMING IDIOT
A man ran up to the Federal courthouse in Talahassee, Florida and heaved a lighted can of gasoline at the front door. The attacker only did minor damage to the front of the building...but did manage to set his own feet on fire. Witnesses say the flames sent the mad bomber running for a large fountain across the street from the courthouse.

READY FOR TAKEOFF
Landscapers preparing to plant wildflowers at O'Hare International Airport in Chicago brought in several loads of compost and topsoil and dumped it along the runways. A short time later, an enterprising amateur farmer snuck onto the airport property and planted several marijuana plants in the rich topsoil. The plants took off and were growing rapidly when one of the airport landscapers noticed them. The gardner was arrested when he came by to tend his plants at about the same time the cops showed up to investigate.

TOLDJA THAT STUFF WOULD MAKE YOU STUPID!
Guards at a prison in Quebec, Canada spotted a man standing between the prison's stone wall and an outer fence. Thinking he was trying to escape, the guards detained him. They soon discovered the man was not an inmate and was carrying a large amount of illegal drugs. The man finally admitted that he was trying to break into the prison, thinking there would be a good market for his drugs there. He'll have plenty of time to find out -- if convicted, he faces a sentence of up to 14 years.

EVER HAVE ONE OF THOSE DAYS...?
A 19-year-old student in Copenhagen, Denmark, trying to hack into a computer he'd selected completely at random, picked the wrong target in a big way. Danish authorities say the computer the student tried to crack belongs to the head of the Copenhagen police department's computer-crime task force.

MAYBE WE COULD TAKE 'EM TO THAT BIG BUTT-KICKIN' CONTEST...
Thieves in Colombia, South America broke into a store and stole 756 shoes on display inside. even though their haul was valued at $25,000, it's unlikely that the gang will be able to sell the shoes -- since they're all for the right foot. the store's manager says the matching left shoes were safely locked away in a storeroom.

WHO SAYS THERE'S NOTHING GOOD ON TV?
A Nebraska man whose conviction on obscenity charges was overturned by the state court of appeals lost again when he went before the Nebraska Supreme Court recently. The case involved lewd acts the man performed while appearing on a public access tv show as a character called "Crotchey the Clown."

SORRY TO DO THIS, LULU -- BUT ONE OF US HAS TO TAKE THE RAP
A man from Halltown, West Virginia was apprehended following a car chase that ensued after he was caught breaking into an adult video store. Authorities said the man stole several X-rated blow-up dolls and "other sexual devices," and started throwing the loot out the car window when a state trooper got on his tail.

FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A...WHOOPS!
A 350-pound man entered a jewelry store on Long Island, New York and pointed a gun at the clerk. During the robbery, the man tripped and fell to the floor of the store. Witnesses say he was still trying to get back up when police arrived to arrest him.

NOW HERE'S A GUY WITH A BIG WEEKEND PLANNED...
Police arrested a man and charged him with shoplifting a variety of items from a Wal-Mart in Valdosta, Georgia. According to a published report, among the items recovered were a package of chicken livers, a video copy of the movie "Smokey and the Bandit," and a home pregnancy test.

RETURN OF THE LIZARD KING
Police in Schwerin, Germany, arrested a 36-year-old man after he tried to pay his hotel bill with...an iguana. They said the man, whom they described as "clearly disturbed," was receiving "medical attention," and that they had found two more iguanas he had left behind at another hotel.