YOUR MONTHLY HOROSCOPE

AQUARIOUS:(Jan. 21 - Feb. 20)
     You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
You lie a great deal.  On the other hand, you are inclined to be
careless and impractical causing you to make the same mistakes
repeatedly.  Everyone thinks you are stupid.  Robust and passionate,
your life is filled with complexity.  You are the epitomy of "Chaotic
Control". No one understands what you are doing. Sometimes you don't
understand what you are doing.  You build your own world then wonder
why it doesn't match the real one.  People call you "space cadet"
behind your back.  You give great first impressions. The second one
gives you away.

PISCES:(Feb. 21 - March 20)
     You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being
followed by the FBI or CIA.  You have minor influence over your
associates and people resent you for flaunting your power.  You lack
confidence and are generally a coward.  Talented and affectionate, you
are a seeker of tranquility.  Difficult situations upset you. PISCESs
are frequently found with their heads in the ground. You are afraid to
try anything new. Then you wonder why the world has passed you by.

ARIES:(March 21 - April 20)
     You are a pioneer type and hold most people in contempt.  You are
quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice.  You are a jackass.
Strong willed and intense, you display great wisdom.  You dream of
becomming president some day. Trouble is, noone believes anything you
say anymore. You have no friends, only political allies.  You're also a
coward. "Live to run another day" is your motto. But that's alright.
The people you hang out with holds those qualities in high regard.

TAURUS:(April 21 - May 21)
     You are practical and persistent.  You have a dogged determination
and work like hell.  Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded.
You are nothing but a goddamned communist.  Ambitious and sincere, you
can be generous with your financial resources. You are good at giving
people an offer they can't refuse.  Too bad you are an ugly
sonovabitch. Nobody likes you, but they put up with you for your
accounting abilities.  Most TAURUS become involved in organized crime.

GEMINI:(May 22 - June 21)
     You are a quick and intelligent thinker.  People like you because
you are bisexual.  However, you are inclined to expect too much for too
little.  This means you are cheap.  GEMINIs are notorious for thriving
on incest.  Persuasive and intelligent you strive to excel.  People
think you are an asshole. You're not above using little children to
make a quick buck. You'd be in jail now if it wasn't for the fact you
own the best lawyers money can buy. GEMINI's make the best yuppies. You
disgust me so much I'm going to stop writing.

CANCER:(June 22 - July 23)
     You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples problems.
They think you are a sucker, but you're not.  You are always putting
things off, and that is why you will never be worth a damn and always
be on welfare.  Gallant and noble, your friends will remain at your
side... as long as you keep up the payments. You do good work ; as long
as you know what you are doing. That is very rare. Most of the time,
you need people to tell you what to do. Your friends are only using
you.  Many low level Soviet officials are BOARs. For that matter, so
are many American politicians.

LEO:(July 24 - Aug 23)
     You consider yourself a born leader, while others think you are
pushy.  Most Leos are bullies.  You are vain and cannot tolerate honest
criticism.  Your arrogance is disgusting.  Leo people are thieving
bastards.  Physically attractive and popular, you like the company of
others.  You trip a lot because your nose is always in the air.  People
think you are an air-head. You could solve Ethiopia's famine with the
money you spend on cosmetics. People stick close to you because they
are afraid of what you will say if they ever turn their backs. LEO's
win popularity contests in high school then go on to a long career in
blue-collar.

VIRGO:(Aug 24 - Sept 23)
     You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is
sickening to your friends.  You are cold and unemotional and often fall
asleep while making love.  VIRGOS make excellent busdrivers and pimps.
Generous and loyal you have the ability to work well with others.
That's because they can see right through you. Everything is simple and
straight forward to you. Your conversation and speeches are limited to
the bloody obvious. No one takes you seriously. You are willing to die
for causes you believe in and people take advantage of that.

LIBRA:(Sept 24 - Oct 23)
     You are the artistic type and have difficulty with reality.  If
you are a man, more than likely you are a queer.  Most LIBRA women are
whores.  All LIBRAS die of venereal disease.  Seeking wisdom and truth,
you have a pioneering spirit.  You are always running off into some
silly adventure. You are also running away from creditors from your
last failed adventure.  Karl Marx was thinking of you when he wrote
"Das Kapital".  You watch contact sports when noone is looking.

SCORPIO:(Oct 24 - Nov 22)
     You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.  You shall
achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics.
You are a perfect son of a bitch.  Most SCORPIOS are murdered.  A
leader, you are bright and cheerful.  At least you like to think you
are. You are so desperate to be accepted by others that you frequently
make promises that you cannot keep.  Maybe you could get more things
done if you trimmed off half your weight.

SAGITTARIUS:(Nov 23 - Dec 21)
     You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency
to rely on luck since you lack talent.  The majority of SAGITTARIANS
are drunks and junkies.  People laugh at you a great deal because you
are always getting screwed.  Forthright and sensitive, you posses great
courage.  You are so impatient to do heroic things that you rarely
bother to sit down and think things out. You love to embrace "good
causes" and you will probably die in poverty because of it.

CAPRICORN:(Dec 22 - Jan 20)
     You are conservative and afraid of taking risks.  You do not do
much of anything and are lazy.  There has never been a CAPRICORN of any
importance.  CAPRICORNS should avoid standing still for long periods of
time as they tend to attract pigeons.  Aesthetic and stylish you enjoy
being a private person.  You shirk responsibility and live in fear of
getting a phone call.  Your best friend is the VCR. You think wall
paper makes the best paintings.  You have this uncanny ability to cast
dark clouds into any party. According to Darwin, you shouldn't exist.


How many sun signs of a particular type does it take to change a light
bulb?

Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it? 

Taurus: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burned-out one is
useless and should be thrown away. 

Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep arguing about
who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done! 

Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them
through the grief process.  

Leo: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will
get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out. 

Virgo: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth. 

Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No -- on second thought, make that two. Is
that OK with you? 

Scorpio: That secret information can be shared only with the Enlightened
Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order. 

Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole
lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out
light bulb? 

Capricorn: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes. 

Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so based
on the position of the moon and the.... 

Pisces: Light bulb? What light bulb?