A biology major was taking a cell biology course. The task of the day was examining epitheleal cheek cells under a microscope. They had to scrape the inside of their mouths with a toothpick and make a slide from it and record the different types of cells that were found. One girl in the class was having some trouble identifying some cells. She called the professor over to ask him. After a moment or two of peering in her scope, he looked up and said in a loud voice, "Those are sperm cells."

When I was in Florida last, one of Joke A Day's adoring female fans came up to me, ripped open her blouse, bared a breast, and asked me to autograph it.Being one never to ignore the fans, I did so with a smile.This naturally pissed off her date, who came storming up to me, whipped out his Johnson, and said, "Here, Mr. Joke Man, autograph *this*." I told him, "Look, I can't sign my name on it. Would my initials do?"

The Yuppette had risen to executive level in the company in no time at all. Hearing rumors about her, the husband confronted his wife and accused her of sleeping with all of the top level managers. "Now that's entirely false." she cried. "I took the easy route and slept with anyone who mattered at least twice."

So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority. "Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!" It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days. So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill."I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?""So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."

Woman: Two *Achoo!* tickets, please. 
Clerk: Have you purchased tickets here before? 
Woman: *cough* No. 
Clerk: Then I need your address. 
Woman: Okay. It's 260..*AHEM* Sorry..Laryngitis... 
Clerk: You'll have to spell that one for me.

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.After consulting the Bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

"Darling," she whispered after they had finished making love, "Will you still make love like that to me after we're married ?" He considered this for a moment, and then replied, "I think so. I've always been especially fond of married women."

A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat." The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. It is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself. The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan, too. Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here." The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have?"The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, "Chutzpah."

A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye."What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?" He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child.""Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"

A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, --- they got the cow from Minsk. It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again. So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise.They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?""Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?" The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

Attorney to witness: "What was the first thing your husband 
said to you when he woke up that morning?"

Witness: "Where am I Cathy?"

Attorney: "And why did that upset you?"

Witness: "Because my name is Susan."

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun. He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd. An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle. Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight."That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely."Yes, sir!", he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!""I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!"

I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar the other night and 
said, "Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?"

She said, "Do you like sex?"

I said, "Of course I like sex."

She said, "Do you like to travel?"

I said, "Yeah, I love to travel."

She said, "Then fuck off."

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner." No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?""Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this was a bus stop."

Jon goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. He checks them out, and isn't fully convinced, but as usual, the store assistant comes along and closes the deal. On his way home, Jon puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo! He sees everyone in the street naked. He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on...everyone is naked! "Cool!"As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife, Judi, but can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and the postman, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they are still naked. Jon then says: "Damn, I just paid fifty bucks for these and they're already broken!"

Two postal workers had just gotten off their routes for the day when one of the postal workers saw the other step on a snail. "Why did you step on that snail, Tom?!," asked his perplexed coworker."Cause that darn snail's been following me around work all day!"

Armando went to his neighbor and asked, "Hey Carlos, do you 
like a woman who has a beeg stomach steeking oll the way 
out?" 

"No," says Carlos. 
Armando asks, "Do you like a woman whose teets hang 
almost to her knees?" 

"No," says Carlos. 

"Well, Carlos, would you like a woman whose heeps are so 
mucho grande?" 

"Caramba! No, amigo!" Carlos replied. 

"Theen tell me why," asked Armando, "do you keep screwing 
my wife?"

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 
124.7" 

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by 
the way, as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on 
the far end of the runway." 

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure 
on 124.7... did you copy the report from Eastern?" 

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff... and 
yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our 
caterers."

The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her. When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a . . . well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret."The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . "The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes yes!""And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door . . .""Yes yes!""Would you help me move the refrigerator?"

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change."I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."Nine hands went up."Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man."Too much trouble," came the reply.

This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. "Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time." And she dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it! "Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!" And that night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified."You're going to kill him," they say, or "He's just yanking your chain," but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends.Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel when he was licking his ass."

During the Mexican/American war, an intense long standoff occured along the front. For days and days neither side made any advances. Finally, an American general had a bright idea. He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled "Hey Juan!".....A soldier jumped up and replied "What?" The general shot him dead. This continued for three days. A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and decided to try it out. He called out "Hey John!!" An American replied "John isn't here......is that you Juan?" The Mexican general stood up, "Yeah?!"....

"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor.
"You didn't do it, did you?"
"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!"

A MAN'S SCHEDULE 
1. Get up. 
2. Pass gas. 
3. Drink cup of black coffee. 
4. Pass gas. 
5. Dress, skipping shower because "alarm didn't work". 
6. Pass gas. 
7. Log on to computer to check porn site before leaving for 
work. Pass gas while "enjoying" favorite site. 
6. Drive to work. Pass gas at stop light. Open window to air out 
car. 
7. Get to work at MacDonalds. Pass gas in bathroom (for all 
patrons to enjoy). Forget to wash hands. 
8. Lunch. Double cheesy cheeseburger and supersized fries. 
Pass gas. 
9. Arrive home. Pass gas. Have a beer. Pass gas. 
10. Tell wife you want sex. Belch. Finish early, belch and fall 
asleep. 
11. Get up at 3 A.M. waking wife but instead of finishing her 
off, return to computer to talk in the chat rooms - imagining 
what a stud you are, chatting with all those "gorgeous women" 
online. Pass gas.

His And Hers ATMs

HIS: 
1. Pull up to ATM 
2. Insert card 
3. Enter PIN number and account 
4. Take cash, card and receipt 

HER: 
1. Pull up to ATM 
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror 
3. Shut off engine 
4. Put keys in purse 
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine 
6. Hunt for card in purse 
7. Insert card 
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written 
on it.
9. Enter PIN number 
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes. 
11. Hit "cancel" 
12. Re-enter correct PIN number 
13. Check balance 
14. Look for envelope 
15. Look in purse for pen 
16. Make out deposit slip 
17. Endorse checks 
18. Make deposit 
19. Study instructions 
20. Make cash withdrawal 
21. Get in car 
22. Check makeup 
23. Look for keys 
24. Start car 
25. Check makeup 
26. Start pulling away 
27. STOP 
28. Back up to machine 
29. Get out of car 
30. Take card and receipt 
31. Get back in car 
32. Put card in wallet 
33. Put receipt in checkbook 
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook 
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook 
36. Check makeup 
37. Put car in reverse gear
38. Put car in drive 
39. Drive away from machine 
40. Travel 3 miles 
41. Release parking brake

The young lady admired the watch in the store window every time she walked by it. She finally entered the shop one day and said, "Just how much is that watch?"
"It's $2000, ma'am."
"Hmmm. Well, would you consider time payments for it?"
"Just what sort of 'time schedule' did you have in mind?"
"I was thinking two times a week for the next two months."

I was shopping at our local supermarket. When I got to the checkout line, there was a beautiful young blonde ahead of me. As she placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked her, "Paper or plastic?" "It doesn't matter," she replied, "I'm bisacksual."

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300."
"Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"

One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.
As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.
Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.
Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes!"

A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a while, the girl says, "I wish you had a flashlight."
He says, "Why's that?"
She says, "Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes."