Mrs. Perkins was talking to her hair stylist. "It's silly," she said, "but my daughter has some sort of crazy idea about losing her hair.""What do you mean?" the beautician asked."Well, I overheard her on the phone the other day telling her best friend that she hoped she'd be 'balled' soon."

These two country boys, brothers, were knocking around one lazy summer day and thought it would be a good prank to push over the outhouse. They crept up from an advantageous direction like a couple of commandos, pushed the outhouse over on one side and headed for the woods. They circled round and returned home an hour later from a completely different direction thus, trying to divert suspicion from themselves.Upon returning, their father approached them with switch in hand and bellowed, "Did you two push the outhouse over this afternoon?"The older boy replied, "As learned in school, I cannot tell a lie. Yes, Father, we pushed over the outhouse this afternoon."At this revalation, the farmer proceeded to flail the two boys severely and sent them to bed without supper.In the morning, the two boys meekly approached the brekfast table and took their seats. Everything was quiet until their father finally said, "Have you two learned your lesson?" "Sure, Dad!" said the big brother, "But, in school we learned that George Washington admitted to HIS father that he'd chopped down a cherry tree and he was forgiven because he told the truth.""Ah yes!' said the farmer, "BUT, George's DAD, wasn't in the cherry tree when he chopped it down!!!"

This guy was walking down a street in Texas and this hooker says, "Say, wanna have a good time? We do things in a big way down here in Texas.""Sure," he says and they were off to the nearest motel. She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her.She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?" The guy says, "No, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."

Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman."Sure you can, Mickey," Charlie said, "Just flap your arms really *really* hard." So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground six stories below. Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said, "What the hell happened?!?"Charlie said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything someone tells him."

An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair of glasses. The Captain looked in his book of record and said, "But you just got a new pair last month!""Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident," stammered the private. "Accident, what kind of an accident?" The Captain looked in his book of Accident definitions and glossaries, "Road-march accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident?" "No, no nothing of those..." said the private. "Well then, what is it?""I'd rather not tell you sir..." "Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses," said the medical officer, ready to stand up, "I've to see my patients now." "No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl," blurted the private. "Don't be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing a girl?""You see, she crossed her legs....."

It seems that there was this little 9 year old blind kid, and one day he said to his mom, "Mom, all I've ever wanted was to see." His mom said, "Well son it's your lucky day, today is the last day of March, and if you pray your hardest, your prayers will be answered."So the little boy goes to bed 2 hours early and starts praying himself to sleep. He wakes up half way through the night and realizes that the night isn't over, so he prays another hour before he falls asleep again. He finally wakes up the next morning and yells, "Mom, Mom, get in here fast!"His mom comes running in and says, "What is it son?" The boy says, "Mom I did just what you said, I prayed and prayed harder than anyone else ever has, but I woke up this morning, and I'm still blind!"

One year at halloween the governor was giving a costume party. All the gentry were there and as they arrived the doorman would announce what there characters were.When one couple arrived he announced "Mickey and Minnie Mouse".As the next couple arrived he announced "Tarzan and Jane" and so on as each guest arrived.Later in the evening a man arrived dressed only in a pair of underpants but apart from that totally naked from head to toe. "Who do you think you are?" demanded the doorman. Having ascertained that the man was indeed an invited guest from the local university CS department The doorman asked "How shall I announce you?"The man said, "I'm premature ejaculation" "I'm very sorry sir", said the doorman in obvious shock, "I cannot announce anything like that to such a gathering." "O.K." said the professor. "Just say I came in my pants"

One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as "Rocky" in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more. "Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep several minutes ago?" I asked. "Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back three more times tonight too."

There was a costume party at a mental hospital; the theme of the party was "war". The first person comes up onto the stage and says, "I'm an atomic bomb." He gets his applause and steps down. The second person comes up and says, "I'm a hydrogen bomb." Again, there's applause and he steps down.And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says, "I'm dynamite." Everybody runs away hysterically. When one of them is asked why, he says, "Didn't you see how small his fuse was?"

A guy was attending a masquerade Halloween Ball, and dancing with a girl who was wearing a map of Texas for a costume. Suddenly she slapped him hard and stalked off the dance floor."What the hell happened?" asked a friend who had witnessed the entire event."I'm not really sure." the man replied, rubbing his red cheek. "When she asked if I had ever been to Texas, I put my finger on Amarillo to show her, and she let me have it."

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons."Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" he asked. "No, thanks," replied one of the vultures. "They're carrion."

When the formal private briefing of the attractive new teacher by the vice-principal was finished, the vice-principal took a few puffs on his pipe and said, "I have an informal piece of advice for you, Miss Bell. There's only one way you can get along in this school without submitting to the sexual advances of the principal.""Oh my God! Well, er, what was is that?""I'll explain it, " he continued, "as soon as you've undressed."

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop."I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act.""Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure -- she was shaking and foaming at the mouth. Our uninformed male thought this was incredible -- best sex he'd ever had.He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure. He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room.A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied, "I think her orgasm's stuck!"

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held.""Well," the young man replied "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers."It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied."I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?""No sir, our mother.""Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!""I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Does your wife ever ... well, you know ... does she ... well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two. "Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's into the dog trick aspect of it." "Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?" "Well... not exactly. More like she rolls over and plays dead."

Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Amanpreet a bet. "Let's say we bet $50."Amanpreet agrees and they're off. They do a great game. After the 8th hold, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help me find my ball. Look over there," he said to Jon. After a few minutes, neither have any luck and a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Amanpreet pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!!!" he announces. Jon looks at him. "After all of the years we've been partners and playing together, you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?""What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!" "And you're a liar, too!" Jon said. "I have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!"

Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll have to inform his wife. Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did you tell her?" asks Jeff. "Yep", replies Bob. "Say, where did you get the six-pack?" Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me.""WHAT??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??" "Sure," Bob says. "WHY?" asks Jeff. "Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats andget prepared for an emergency landing.A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready."All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

"Information.  Can I help you?"
"I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please."

"One moment, please."  Pause.  "I'm sorry sir, I have no listing 
for a Theodore Guild."

"No, no.  It isn't a person.  It's an organization.  It's Theater
Guild."

"I told you, sir.  I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."

"Not *Theodore*!  *Theater*!  The word is *theater*.  
T-H-E-A-T-E-R!"

"That, *sir*, is NOT the way you spell Theodore."

A couple have been married forty years and are revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. As they are driving through the secluded countryside, they pass a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.The woman says, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago!"The guy stops the car. His wife backs against the fence, and he immediately jumps her like a bass on a junebug. They make love like never before.Back in the car, the guys says, "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty year ago -- or any time since that I can remember."The woman says, "Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn't electrified!"

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!" The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!" The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"

It was during a ball at Andrew Jackson's country home that the family physician approached Mrs. Jackson to say, "You're looking wonderful tonite, Rachel! What keeps you so radiant and effervescent?""Having such a popular husband, of course." "Surely there must be more to it than that, madam." "Well, there's Old Hickory's dickery, doc."

"Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company.""Would you spell that, please?""Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you." The operator pauses. "Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor . . ."

At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average. Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office, followed by one of his star players. "You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won't win this weekend without him!""I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at this college.""What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded."I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to the basketball player and said, "Tell me,how much is six times seven?"The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, "Thirty- one?"The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case.""Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you making such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one."

A Polish family is sitting in the living room. The wife turns to the husband and says, "Let's send the kids out back to p-l-a-y , so we can fuck."

A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?" The big guy says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down." His friend says, "You know, that don't sound too bad." The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to."

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow. "How old was your husband?" he asked. "He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years oder than I am.""Really?" the undertaker said. "Hardly worth going home, wouldn't you say?"

A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."The shrink thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says... "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"

The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern."Paddy," he said, " I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven one day.""Really, Father?" slurred Paddy. "What have you done?"

Six months after the waiter died, his widow went to see a medium, who promised she would contact the dead man. During the seance, the widow was sure she saw her husband standing in the corner, dressed in his waiter's outfit."Arnold!" she cried. "Come closer and speak to me!"A hoarse voice from the corner wailed, "I can't. It's not my table."

Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they got them correct, they're deemed cured and free to go. Jon was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor said, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"Jon said, "I'd be half blind." "That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?" "I'd be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook Jon's hand, and told him he was free.On Jon's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the exam to Amanpreet. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers. So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went thru the formalities and asked, "What would happen if I cut off one ear?" Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said was the correct answer said, "I'd be half blind."The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off the other ear?""I'd be completely blind," Amanpreet answered."Amanpreet, can you explain how you'd be *blind*?""My hat would fall down over my eyes."