Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten
$1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."
A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk.
The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could
get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for
only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, --- they got the cow from
Minsk. It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it,
and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply
again.So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the
cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all
day. Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise. They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?" The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow
from Minsk?" "Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"
The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night,when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul,
your children's souls, your children's children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and your parents in law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners." The lawyer thought about this for a moment with a puzzled face, then asked,
"OK, so... What's the catch?"
An airhead goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer mstarts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The airhead counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute
before replying....... "Ehhhh... 22."
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the
ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her
handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces....."Five foot two!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real
basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or Look up. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen
seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying
......."Mandy!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks
"What were you doing when I asked you your name?"
"Ohhhh, that!" replies the airhead," I was just running through
that song,...... 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....' ".
Mrs. Watson was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her
on a diet."I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then
skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."When Mrs. Lee returned, she shocked the doctor by losingnearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said,"Did you follow my instructions?" Mrs. Watson nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping."
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare,
very expensive cigars, insured them against ..."Get this" ... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.he man sued... .. AND WON
In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." BUT WHAT COMES AROUND...
After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested ... On 24 counts of arson!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars. He was sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms!!
Beware Of The Following Viruses:
Ellen Degeneres virus........Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC
Monica Lewinsky virus........Sucks all the memory out of your computer
Titanic virus................Makes your whole computer go down
Disney virus.................Everything in the computer goes Goofy
Mike Tyson virus.............Quits after one byte
Prozac virus.................Screws up your RAM, but your processor
doesn't
care
Lorena Bobbit virus..........Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy
Woody Allen virus............Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a
daughter
card
Spice Girl virus.............Has no real function, but makes a pretty
desktop
Ronald Reagan virus..........Saves your data, but forgets where it is
stored
Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus.....Searches your hard drive for old files and
deletes them
Oprah Winfrey virus....Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB,
and
then slowly expands to 300MB
AT&T virus...................Every 3 minutes it tells you what great
service
you are getting
MCI virus................... Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're
paying
too much for the AT&T virus
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus..Terminates and stays resident. It'll be
back.
Viagra virus.................Expands your hard drive while putting too
much
pressure on your zip drive.
Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.
As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece
of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just
before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He opened the note, and read, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
A man and a duck are walking down the street together. Suddenly the man notices a low flying airplane comming right for them. So the man yells DUCK!!!! and the duck yells back at the man with an angry face MAN!!!!
There was a German, Swedish and a Polish guy stranded on a Island. They find a genie bottle in the water, they rub it and a genie pops out. The genie says since there is three of you, each one gets one wish, so he starts with the German guy and asks him what he wishes, he says, "I miss my wife and family very much so I would like to be back home." Poof, the German guy is gone.
Then the genie asked the Swedish guy what his wish will be and he says, "I also miss my wife and family very much I would like to go home too. Poof, the Swedish guy is gone. Then the genie asked the Polish guy what his wish will be and he says,
"You know I miss the other two guys very much I wish they would come back. Poof the German and Swedish guys came back.
Job Interview
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer replied, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing Math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but, to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with
a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them to his room and auietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with Math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly
at his studies until bedtime. This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table and
went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and, much to her amazement she saw a large "A" listed for "Math".
Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. His father asked, "Was it the nuns that did that?" The boy shook his head and said, "No". "Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-monitoring?" "No".
"The text books? The teachers? The curriculum?" "No", said the boy. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they were serious!"
FUNNY, ISN'T IT?
Funny how twenty dollars looks like a lot of money when we're about to make a donation to charity, but it looks so small when we take it to buy bread and milk.
Funny how long an hour of time feels to go to church, but how short it seems when we're online, fishing or playing bridge.
Funny how we hate cutting the grass, but look forward to walking the length of a golf course for exercise.
Funny how we watch our weight by washing down our hamburgers and fries with diet cola.
Funny how we speed up to get the next stop light sooner.
Funny how we can comprehend novels in detail that are 500 pages long, but can't seem to figure out what the one sentence Golden Rule means.
Funny how we can't think of anything to say when we pray but can talk to our friends non-stop for hours.
Funny how we need 2-3 weeks advance notice to schedule a meeting with a civic organization, but when it comes to going out to eat or drink with friends, we only need 2 minutes to get ready.
Funny, isn't it?
Two brothers in a small town were well-known as trouble makers. If there was a problem in town, these boys were guaranteed to be there. Their parents finally decided to do something about it.
They called on the priest. He was known to have success in
dealing with problematic behavior. He agreed to see them,
but only one at a time. The younger brother went first. He walked in and the priest asked him, "Where is God?" in a mild voice. The younger brother just sat there. The priest asked again, "Where's God?" The boy again just sat there. The priest tried once more, in a very annoyed and angered voice, "Tell me son, WHERE IS GOD?'Terrified, the boy ran out of the room and straight to his room at home, where he hid under the bed. His older brother came in and asked what was wrong. The younger boy said, "We are in big trouble this time. God is missing, and they think we did it!"
Dear Mom & Dad:
We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Jason when it happened.Oh yes, please call Jason's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. it was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Jason for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Jason said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. Brock is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left.
Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if its hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman
stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Jason was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Keith and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love,
Brad
P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?
Thoughts by Children
* No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats
* When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
* If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch
the second person.
* Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
* You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
* Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
* Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
* Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
* Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
* School lunches stick to the wall.
* You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
* Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
* The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.
* It's hard to unlearn a bad word.
* Ask Why until you understand.
* It's easier to see the mistakes on someone else's paper.
* A pencil without an eraser may as well just be a pen.
* It's only fun to play school when you're the teacher.
* Sometimes the best one in the play has the fewest lines.
* Twelve is a lot older than eight.
* Sometimes your best move is blocked by your own checkers.
* Don't expect your friends to be as excited about your "100" as you
are.
* Don't say that the "Last One is a Rotten Egg" unless you're
absolutely sure there's a slow kid behind you.
* If you don't like the birthday girl, don't go to the party.
* Crawling still gets you there.
* If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
* Your room gets smaller as you get bigger.
* You can't start over just because you're losing the game.
* When you're dressed up like a princess, it's easier to act like one.
* If a tree had apples last year, don't expect pears this year.
* One drop of black paint from the brush clouds the whole cup of
water.
* You can't be everyone's best friend.
* A snow day is more fun than a vacation day.
* All libraries smell the same.
* If you want someone to listen to you, whisper it.
* Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.
* Ask where things come from.
* If you throw a ball at someone, they'll probably throw it back.
* Don't nod on the phone.
* Some nights it's not worth fighting over who gets the top bunk.
* Silence can be an answer.