NEVADA 1989-1990 SEASON AND BAG LIMIT ON ATTORNEYS

1.Any person with a valid Nevada hunting license may harvest attorneys.

2.Attorneys may be taken with traps and deadfalls.  Currency may not be
  used as bait.

3.Attorneys may not be killed with a motorized vehicle.  If
  accidentally struck, the hunter should move the carcass to the
  roadside, and proceed to a car wash.

4.It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a snowmobile,
  watercraft, or aircraft.  Marked police vehicles may be used as
  shooting platforms.

5.It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH," "AMBULANCE,"  or "FREE SCOTCH"
  for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

6.It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW or Mercedes
  dealerships.

7.It is unlawful for a hunter to disguise himself  as a reporter, drug
  dealer, female law clerk, sheep, accident victim, physician, bookie,
  or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

8.Care should be used so as not to endanger any remaining species.  We
  would not want a repetition of the disaster that followed the "no
  limit" season on the subspecies "Honest Lawyer."  That particular
  variety is now extinct.  Excessive harvesting of other species could
  dry up the supply of palm grease, cheap three-piece suits, and forked
  tongues that efficient dressing of lawyers' carcasses yield.

                   Lawyers' Season Suspended Again

                Toxic waste incinerators beyond capacity

     The State Fish and Game Department, under pressure from the
Environmental Protection Agency, announced today that yet another
temporary suspension of lawyer season would take place.

     This suspension, the third since the season began, was needed to
allow the state's toxic waste incinerator sites to clear the
unprecedented backlog created by what a Department spokesman termed the
'tremendous response' to this year's lawyer season.

     The spokesman went on to say that specially designed incinerators
and handling equipment were being designed in cooperation with the EPA
in an effort to deal with the expected demand of future lawyer seasons.

     "It's a real mess," said xxxxx xxxxxx, the manager of the xxxxxxx
incineration facility.  "Normal industry waste was bad enough. Some of
this lawyer waste is so strange the EPA can't figure out what it is."

  How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
  -----------------------------------------------------

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer",
and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb",
do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the
party of the second part ("Light Bulb"), shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform
previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting,
elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging
from the front (north) door, through the entryway,
terminating at an area just inside the primary living area,
demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, and spill-over
illumination being at the option of the party of the second
part ("Light  Bulb") and not required by the aforementioned
agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal
transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the
following steps:

1. The party of the first part ("Lawyer") shall, with or
without elevation at his option, by means of chair,
stepstool, ladder, or any other means of elevation, grasp the
party of the second part ("Light Bulb") and rotate the part
of the second part ("Light Bulb") in a counter-clockwise
direction, this point being non-negotiable.

2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
("light Bulb") becomes separated from the party of the third
part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part ("Lawyer")
shall have the option of deposing the party of the second
part ("Light Bulb") in a manner consistent with all
applicable state, local, and federal statutes.

3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party
of the first part ("Lawyer") shall have the option of
beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New
Light Bulb").  This installation shall occur in a manner
consistent with a reversal of procedures described in step
one of this self same document, being careful to note that
the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this
point also being non-negotiable.

NOTE:
The above described steps may be performed, at the option of
the party of the first part ("Lawyer"), by any or all persons
authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most
possible revenue for the party of the first part.

                 SHARKS AND LAWYERS
                 ------------------

     "Shark" comes from the German "schurke," meaning greedy parasite.
While no brave soul has gotten close enough to determine where lawyers
come from, logic and common sense dictate a similar derivation.
Sharks, unlike most fish, have no bones; their skeletons are made
entirely of cartilage.  Lawyers, too, are spineless - as willing to
argue one side of a case as the other.  For the right price.  Best
known as scavengers of the dead and dying, sharks have well-honed
sensors with which they can track the sounds of other injured and
struggling beings.  They are also equipped with fine senses of smell
that allow them to detect minute dilutions of blood (one part blood to
one million parts water) up to one-quarter mile away.  Precisely the
distance a hopeful personal injury lawyer will run behind an ambulance
to toss a business card.  From the moment of birth, sharks' skin is
tough and rough - covered with thousands of tiny hard teeth call
denticles that abrade any passerby made of softer stuff.  Lawyers are
also thick-skinned.  Easily identified by their humorlessness and
abrasive personalities, they are the bane of many social gatherings.
A shark will swallow anything - up to half its own size - in one gulp.
Several hundred years ago, a naturalist wrote that the headless body of
a knight in armor was found in a white shark's stomach.  Inside another
was more recently found a sea lion, a horse and the body of another
seven-foot-long shark.  Lawyers, too, will swallow anything - even
their pride - as increasing numbers of lawyer hopefuls trudge to law
school each year for three years of browbeating in the hopes of
financing their Porsches.  Some sharks even prey on their own kind.
The smell and taste of blood in the water can trigger them into an
obsessed Feeding Frenzy, in which they often eat their own bodies while
twisting and turning to get more food.  This is not unlike the
Litigation Frenzy, where lawyers are pitted against other lawyers, and
ultimately themselves, to waste reams of paper while losing sight of a
fair resolution for their clients.

What do lawyers use for birth control? 
* Their personalities.
 
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? 
* A tick falls off of you when you die.
 
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? 
* To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the
same service.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? 
* Not enough sand.
 
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer
in the middle of the road? 
* There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
 
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? 
* A Doberman.
 
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? 
* If one side has one, the other side has to get one.  Once launched,
they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything
forever.
 
What do lawyers and sperm have in common? 
* One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
 
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? 
* They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out
which side to spit on.    

Lawyer's creed: 
* A man is innocent until proven broke.
 
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? 
* Lipstick.
 
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? 
 * Skeet.
 
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting
him? 
* It might be your bicycle.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an old drunk are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred
dollar bill.  Who gets it? 
* The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) 
* ......  I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
 
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's
rates.  
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. 
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.  
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"    

 You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You
have a gun with two bullets.  What should you do? 
* You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra? 
* He gets taller.