A young mother had just given birth to a new born baby, the nurse was just congratulating her, when the doctor came in bouncing the baby from hand to hand. The mother looked startled. The doctor then said, "Here catch," and promptly tossed the baby to the mother, but it landed on the window ledge and fell out the window. The lady shrieked and said, "You bastard, you've killed my baby!" The doctor replied, "April Fool, it was dead already!"

A blond guy visits the hospital. "I want to be castrated!" he demands cheerfully. "Are you sure about this?" the doctor asks. "Have you discussed it with your wife?" "Yes, yes! I've thought about this for a long time. Let's get it over with!" So, the operation is performed. Since it's relatively simple, the blond guy only has to stay in the hospital for two days. On his way home, he meets a friend. "Well, hello! I haven't seen you for a couple of days," his friend says. "No, I've been to the hospital," replies the blond. "Well, that's funny. I'm on my way there right now!" "Really? So, what's up?" "I'm going to be vaccinated." "Oh, shit!! That's what it's called!"

Two gynecologists meet on a conference. As usual, they tell each other what cases they have had the past year.
1: Well, I have had a patient with breasts, just like melons.
2: Incredible, so big?
1: Yes
2: But I had a patient with a clitoris, just like a lemon.
1: Waaw, so big?
2: No, so sour

An elderly couple went into a doctor. They told the doctor "We're having some trouble with our sex life. Could you watch and offer some suggestions?" The doctor replied, "I'm not a sex therapist. You should find someone else." The couple said, "No, No, we trust you." After watching them have sex, the doctor said, "You don't seam to be having any troubles. I wish my sex life was as good. I can't give you any suggestions." This was repeated the next week and also the third week. After they had finished on the third week, the doctor said, "You aren't having any trouble. Is this your idea of kinky sex?" The man replied, "No, actually the problem is if we have sex at my house, my wife will catch us. If we have sex at her house, her husband will catch us. The motel charges us $50, and we can't afford that. You only charge $35, and medicare pays half of that."

How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? That depends on whether it has health insurance.
Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
None. They just tell it to take two aspirin and come round to the surgery later.
None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.
None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.

How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.

How many undertakers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just paint them black and go on using them.

How is an undertaker like a bottle of Robitussin?
They both take away the coffin.

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the fellow into his office and said, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we've found a cure for them: you'll have to be castrated." The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear the pain. But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the poor fellow was driven back to the doctor. "All right, I guess I'll have the operation," he said. When it was all over, the man was understandably depressed, and his physician told him, "I recommend you begin life anew. Start over from this point." So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men's shop for a new set of clothes. The proprietor said, "Starting with the suit, looks like you take about a 38-regular." "That's right", exclaimed the man, "How'd you know?" "Well, when you've been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up", replied the salesman. "Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long." "Right again," the man said. The proprietor suggested, "And for undershorts, I'd say a size 36." "There's your first mistake", the man said, "I've worn 34's for years." "No, you're a size 36 if I've ever seen one", said the owner. The man replied, "I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and I'll take 34." The owner replied, "Well all right, if you insist, but they're going to pinch your balls and give you headaches!!"

A really handsome man had a high squeaky voice. He was surrounded by girls except they ran off at the sound of his voice. So he went to the doctor. The doctor said he could fix the problem by cutting off the mans penis. The man agreed to the surgery, and sure enough his voice went to normal and he was surrounded by women. Later he decided to get a whole new wardrobe. The tailor took a look at him and rattled of figures ending up with underwear size 36. The man said no I wear size 30. The tailor said, "I've been doing this for years trust me. If you wore size thirty you voice would be high and squeaky."

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before." The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" "On my balls."

A woman was going to marry one of those guys that wanted a virgin. Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen. The doctor told her that will cost around $500, but there is an another way that will cost only $50. The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the doctor worked on her for several minutes. After the "first night" the woman came back to the doctor and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, everything was there. And she asked him how he did it. "I tied your pubic hair," he answered.

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keeplosing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I JUST DID, DIDN'T I, YOU STUPID BASTARD!!!

Woman: Doctor, my husband tells me my pussy's too big. So I'd like you totell me if you find it unusual.
Doctor: Please, take off your clothes and I'll have you examined.
Doctor(shouting): What a giant pussy!! What a giant pussy!!
Woman(angry): Did you have to say it twice?!?
Doctor: I didn't.

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps." The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps." Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

A woman goes to the doctors, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you." The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready. "Well, what is it?" he asks. "It's a bit embarrassing," she replies, "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs." The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?" The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually I have." "That's the problem," the doctor says, "Tell him his ear-rings aren't made of gold!!!"

This young couple had only been married for about two weeks when the wife complains of a burning sensation in her chest. She tells her husband who suggests that she goes to the doctor to be examined. She arranges an appointment and goes the following day. The husband, while at work receives a call from the doctor. Doctor: "I am sorry to say your wife has acute angina..."
Husband: "Yeah, I know, she's also got a nice pair of tits too!"

Seems a mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his (also a mute). In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. The friend replied (vocally!) "Oh, can that hand-waving shit. I can talk now." Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. Seems he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords. Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They got an appointment that very afternoon. After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no permanent damage, that the mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well. "Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!" "Very well," replies the specialist. "Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be right in." The mute does as instructed, and the doctor sneaks in with a broomstick, mallet and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he "sends it home" with a few deft swipes of the mallet. The mute jumps from the table, screaming "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa!!!" "VERY good," smiles the doctor. "Next Tuesday, we start with 'B'"

A man went to a doctor. Some say he went there to have an operation to become Polish; others say he wanted to become an Aggie; there's yet another faction who claims that he wanted to work at the post office; still others say he wanted to make his hair permanently blond. Regardless, the doctor asked him why, and he said it was something he always wanted to do, how he wanted to be able to relate to his friends, all of whom I suppose were blond Polish graduates of Texas A&M who had fun.

Did you hear about the Soviet emigre doctor who cured a guy from jaundice and strabismus?
The autopsy showed that the patient was Chinese.

A Soviet emigre woman comes to a gynecologist and complains: "Doctor, when I wasn't married, I had six abortions, and now I got married and can't get pregnant." "Evidently you don't breed in captivity."

A Soviet emigre woman comes to a gynecologist for a checkup. She seems to be very embarrassed and uncomfortable. "Haven't you been examined like this before?" asks the doctor. "Many times," she giggles, "but never by doctor."

A Soviet emigre woman comes to a doctor. He instructs her to go behind the screen and undress. She walks stark naked from behind the screen and says, indignantly: "Doctor, why didn't you undress too?"

A Soviet emigre woman comes to a doctor for an examination. He tells her to undress and lie down. She asks: "But will you marry me?"

A man comes to a Soviet emigre doctor because of sore throat. The doctor tells him to pull down his pants and to swing his genitals in the window. "What does this have to do with my throat?" "Nothing, I just hate the neighbors."

A Soviet emigre surgeon tells a patient: "The operation will cost three thousand dollars, but we can save a little by not sharpening the knife."

During an operation, the nurse tells the Soviet emigre surgeon: "Doctor, this is the third operating table you've destroyed this month. Don't cut so deep."

One Soviet emigre surgeon asks another: "How did that appendectomy go?"
"Appendectomy?" shrieks the other. "I though it was an autopsy!"

One Soviet emigre surgeon asks another: "How did the operation go?"
"It was a success until we dropped the patient off the table."

What happened to a Brighton Beach prostitute who had an appendectomy performed by a Soviet emigre surgeon?
He sewed up the wrong hole, so now she's making money on the side.

"I'm treating a patient with a split personality," boasts a Soviet emigre psychiatrist, "and Medicaid pays for both of them!"

A Soviet emigre doctor gets a call from the Medicaid office. "You've been billing us for weekly house calls to Mr.~Ivanov for the last six months. Haven't you noticed that Mr.~Ivanov has passed away?" "Sure I noticed! He was my favorite patient, I visit him at cemetery."

A Soviet emigre comes to a doctor. "What's bothering you?" "You charge Medicaid hundred dollars and ask me what bothering me? Figure out yourself!" "You should have gone to a veterinarian. They figure out what's bothering patients who can't tell."

A Soviet emigre boy and girl come to a doctor's office and say: "Doctor, we would like to know if we are screwing properly. Will you watch us, please?" The doctor, somewhat puzzled, agrees, they climb on his table, the boy gets on top of the girl, and they have sex. After observing them, the doctor says, "Yes, you're having sex properly. That will be forty dollars." They come back the next day with the same request, but this time the boy enters the girl from the rear. They keep coming for four days in a row, using different positions every day. On the fifth visit the doctor says, "Why do you keep on coming back? I told you you're having sex properly." The boy explains, "The hotel room costs the same forty dollars, but this way we get reimbursed by Medicaid."

A Soviet emigre is forced to seek doctor's advice because his breath smells terrible. The doctor examines him and says: "Either stop biting your nails or stop scratching your hemorrhoids."

A Soviet emigre goes to a doctor to complain about constipation. The doctor unblocks him with a pneumatic drill and advises him not to wipe his ass with a cement bag in the future.

A Soviet emigre comes to a doctor to show a red ring around the base of his penis. The doctor decides it's some unusual of venereal decease and prescribes antibiotics, but they don't help, and one week later the ring is still there. The doctor then sends a piece of penis skin covered with red to a lab for analysis. The lab reports: "The lipstick can be removed with soap and water."

An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman and catches a strange venereal disease (this time, a green ring around the base of the penis). The patient goes to a doctor who says he's never seen anything like it, but his penis would probably have to be amputated. The patient goes to another doctor, who also doesn't know anything about this decease, but thinks the amputation is indicated. Deeply distressed, the patient decided to go to a Soviet emigre doctor, figuring he may be familiar with this V. D. Indeed, the Soviet emigre doctor says: "I know this decease! Your American doctors always want to cut. Don't do anything. Two week later, prick fall off by himself."

An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman. The next day his prick turns black. He runs to a doctor and asks: "Doctor, is this some weird venereal disease?" "Worse," says the doctor. "It's frostbite."

Did you hear about the Soviet emigre who told his doctor he contracted a venereal disease from a wet dream?

Why was the Soviet emigre woman nicknamed "Venus"?
Not for her beauty, but because there always was something venereal in her.

At a party, an Israeli doctor says: "Medicine is so advanced in our country, that we can take a kidney from one person, and put it into another, and have him looking for work in six weeks." A German doctor says: "We can take the heart and the lungs from a cadaver, and transplant them into a living person, and he'll be looking for work in three months." An American social worker says: "We took a quarter million assholes from the USSR, and transplanted them to Brighton Beach, and not a single one is looking for work!"

A man was walking along a sidewalk in a very gentle manner, almost as if he were walking on eggs. Two doctors, also on foot, were across the street. They spotted the man and began to discuss his condition. "Prostrate trouble", said the first doctor. "Oh no, not at all. That's a case of hemorrhoids if ever I saw one", said the other. They tossed it back and forth until one of them suggested going over to talk to the man. "Mr, this gentleman and I are both doctors", said one, "and if you'll pardon our intrusion, I figured you have a bad prostrate problem, but my colleague thought it to be hemorrhoids. Might you state the problem so that we can solve our little dilemma?" "Well", said the man, "all three of us were wrong. I thought it was gas."

A doctor dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates and checks him in. After he's registered, St. Peter says to him "Look at the time: you must be hungry! Heaven Cafeteria is serving lunch, why don't you get yourself something to eat?" The doctor goes to the cafeteria and notices the long line. He immediately cuts in at the front, only to hear loud protests. "I'm a doctor" he says, "I'm a busy man, I don't have time to wait in line." The others say "You're in heaven now, we're all the same here, get to the back of the line and wait your turn!" A few weeks later, waiting patiently on line for lunch, the doctor notices a man come dashing in wearing scrubs and a lab coat, stethoscope around his neck. He butts in at the head of the line and no-one utters a peep. "Hey," he says to the guy in front of him, "who does that guy think he is?" "Oh, that's God," says the guy, "He likes to play doctor."

After her operation, the famous lady soap opera star was propped up in bed in her private room, as the doctor did his rounds. "Tell me, how are you feeling now?" he asked. "A lot better, thank you," purred the star in reply. "But one thing does bother me. When will I be able to resume a normal sex life?" "Oh, that's rather hard to say," said the doctor. "I've never been asked that after a tonsilectomy before."

At an international meeting, to surgeons were having an argument. The Indian surgeon was saying "No no no, I am telling you it is Woomba" and the African surgeon is saying "No Man, it is Whoooooommmmmm" They go on like this for about 10 minutes. Up comes the English surgeon, and interrupts them. "Excuse me chaps, but I do believe that the word you are trying to say is "Womb." After he has gone away, the African turns to the Indian and says "I bet you he has never even seen a hippopotamus, never mind heard one fart under water.
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