A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother-in-law sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother-in-law how his wife was and his brother-in-law replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and both you and my sister were unconscious so I named them for you." The husband nervously asked, "Well what did you name them?" The brother-in-law replied, "I named the little girl Denise." The husband said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?" The brother-in-law replied, "Denephew."

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office."What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look...I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only...Smith, Jones, Baker...that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling." "Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

More Totally Useless Information
A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.
Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
There were 4 Indians. They decided to start a business. They had a lot of discussion on the type of business and finally decided to start a hotel. They selected the best location best chefs and built the hotel. The hotel was inaugrated and was awaiting its first customer. The Indians waited and waited but nobody turned up. A week passed and yet noboby turned up. WHY ? - Because there was a sign at the entrance "Visitors not allowed." After the failure of their hotel they decided to start an auto garage. They bought the best of car servicing equipments and manpower. The 4 Indians waited that day for the first car to arrive but no car entered their garage. They waited for 1 day, 2 days, a week but no car came to their garage. WHY ? - Because their garage wasn't on the first floor. After this failure they decided to fall back on the good old taxi driving. They bought a new London Cab and began to look for passengers. They drove past Orchard Road but nobody hailed their taxi. They went to Changi Airport yet nobody hailed their taxi. They even drove to Serangoon Road, even there nobody hailed their taxi. In desperation they kept on driving all around Singapore but alas no one hailed their taxi. WHY ? - Because all the four Indians were sitting in the taxi. All the 4 Indians were very disappointed with their fate and decided to push their taxi into the sea. They started pushing their taxi. They pushed the whole day and were very exhausted but the taxi did not move even an inch. They decided to rest for a while and started to push again. The taxi just wouldnt move. WHY ? - Because 2 Indians were pushing from the front and two from behind.

A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he asks. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You bastard!!!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"

Positively speaking ..................
Son: When I was on the bus with daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mum: Well you did the right thing.
Son: But, mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

A newly wedded man asked his wife: "Would you had married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" " Honey ," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd married you regardless who left you the fortune."

Two atoms are drinking at the bar. Suddenly one says to the other:" I'd just lost one of my electrons !" "Are you sure?" ask the other. "Yes," replied the first atom. "I'm positive."

A young engineer fresh out of school was asked at a job interview:" And what starting pay were you looking for?" The engineer said:" In the region of $96000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said:" Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching matching retirement fund of 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years - say, a BMW?" The engineer it up straight and said:" Wow are you kidding?" "Yeah ," the interviewer replied, " But you started it ."

On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?" He answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever". She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." at that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "Oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks, "Why?" She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED!"

I'm sure you've all heard about the traveling salesman whose car became hopelessly stuck in a snow bank during a recent blizzard in North Dakota. It took him several hours to make it to the nearest farm house, but frozen half to death, he finally reached the front door and knocked on it. A grizzled old farmer answered, and the salesman pleaded for a place to spend the night. "Why sure young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk." said the hospitable old man. "But I ain't got no daughter for ya to sleep with, like ya always hear about in them thar jokes." "Oh!" said the salesman, "Just how far is it to the next house ?"

Adam & Eve
God made Adam & He rested. Then he made Eve. Since then, No one's rested.

God was wise in making Adam first. Had He made Eve first, He'd still be "fixing things" Eve wanted change in man.

Contrary to popular belief, it wasn't the apple on the tree that got us banished from Paradise. It was the pair on the ground.

Just think. When Eve said she had nothing at all to wear, She meant it!

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: Sure, buddy. Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again, Soldier, do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: No, Sir!

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she got in her divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes. The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions. Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for. "No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last wish, I'd like to give birth to twins."

Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women's sex drive by 90 percent... Wedding cake!

If two rednecks get divorced, are they still cousins?

You're a redneck if:
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to call the cops!" "I don't know what you're talking about miss, that's just my pay check in my pocket." "Oh really" she said. "then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."

Ironic & True:
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. You guessed it, he opened it and boom.

Three doctors die on the same day, and arrive at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asks the first about his specialty. A pediatrician', the doctors answers. Pass right through', Saint Peter says and turns to the next. An Oncologist', is his answer, and Saint Peter ushers him in too. And you?' he asks the third. I work for an HMO', the doctor says. OK, you're in,' Saint Peter replies, 'but you'll have to leave in 48 hours'.

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, on the bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men.One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly." So Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

I Was Here First:
A new department store announced that it was going to give out free TVs to the first 100 people who came to the store on its Grand Opening Day. The store was scheduled to open at 9:00 am, but people were already camped out in front of the store by 6:00 am, determined to receive their free TV. When it was almost 9:00 am, a little old man walked up to the front of the line, and casually stepped in front of the first man in line, a big, burly man who had been there since 6:00 am. The big guy wasn't about to let this old guy cut in front of him, so he pushed the old man out of his way with all of his might! The little old man got up, dusted himself off, and walked in front of the big burly man a second time. Once again, he was pushed away by the big man, yet he got up, dusted himself off again, and stepped between the big, burly man and the door a third time! This kept happening until finally, a policeman heard the noise and rushed over to hear what the fight was about."Well," said the big burly man, "I was here at the front of the line since early this morning, and this old man had the nerve to just push in front of me to the head of the line!" When asked to tell his side of the story, the little old man replied, "What that man said is correct. I did push in front of him several times, and if he keeps shoving me away, I'm not going to open the store!"

Miscellaneous One Liners:
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

If Women Ran The World:
A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.
Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks"
All toilet seats would be nailed down.
Men would have to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace". The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location".
Weather Predictions:
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an Old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?" The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken."