The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns. "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?" "No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall." "Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?" "I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?" "No reason." Pause. "Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, two and a half feet tall?" "I'm sure." "Okay." Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why. So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building. "What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarfs. Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any." And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"....

A young priest just out of the seminary went downtown one afternoon, when he was approached by a member of the oldest profession. "Hey, Father," the tart called out, "Give ya a blowjob for 20 bucks." The young father, not knowing what she was referring to, blushed and said a very polite, "No, thank you."Upon returning to the church later that evening, the priest ran into the Mother Superior and asked her, "Mother Superior, what's a blow job?" To which she replied, "20 bucks, same as downtown."

A priest & a rabbi were seated together on a trans-continental flight. The hostess stopped by their seat asking what each wanted for a beverage. The rabbi requests a double scotch. The priest, extremely agitated, states "Liquor is the lowest form of iniquity & I'd rather have adultery than have a drink." The rabbi pipes up, "Forget the scotch, I didn't know we had a choice!"

There where 2 novice nuns and a mother superior riding a three person bicycle. they were riding along when they hit a bump. As they hit the 2 novices giggled. The mother superior gave them a dirty look. They rode a little farther and they hit another bump and the novices giggled again. The mother superior gave them another dirty look. They rode a bit further until they came to another bump and the two novices giggled again and the mother stopped the bike and looked at the novices and said, "If you don't stop that I'm going to put the seat back on!"

Three nuns were walking along the street and one was describing with her hands the tremendous grapefruits she'd seen in Florida. The second one, also with her hands, described the huge bananas she'd seen in Jamaica. The third nun, a little deaf, asked, "Father who?"

Seems all the construction going on next to the convent was giving the Mother Superior a few headaches. One day, after several days of complaints from the Nuns, she decided to visit the Foreman. Her mind made up to let him know just how she felt about the foul language, she went to his office. "I know my men use really colorful language, sister" said the Foreman, "but they are just calling a spade a spade." To this, the Mother Superior got livid: "No they most certainly do not! - They call it a FUCKING SHOVEL!"

A minister had just arrived in a small country town to take up a pastorate there. As he disembarked from the train at the station, a reporter from the local newspaper stopped him on the steps, and said, "Are you going to visit any of the town's night clubs?" "That's absurd!" said the minister. "Are there any nightclubs in this town?" The next morning a front-page article appeared in the newspaper. According to the article, the first question the minister had asked as he arrived in town was, "Are there any nightclubs in this town?"

Two elderly Catholic Nuns dressed in their habits were sitting in the bleachers watching the New York Mets and the Toronto Blue Jays play ball. Two rabid anti-Catholic game watchers came along and sat in the row behind them. One anti-Catholic game watcher said "We better go to Texas the next time we wanna' see a ball game. I don't think there will be any Catholics watching ball in Texas." The other anti-Catholic game watcher said "Yeah. Or maybe we could go to L.A. 'cuz I don't think there would be any Catholics watching ball there." The first anti-Catholic was quick to agree and said "Nahh, I think we should go to Alaska, 'cuz I am pretty damn sure there won't be any Catholics watching ball there." Hearing this, one of the elderly Nuns turned and said with a smile, "Why don't you go to Hell ... I'm sure there won't be any Catholics there either."

Two nuns decide they're going to sneak out of the convent and have a real night on the town. They hit all the bars and dance clubs, and decide they've finally got to head back to the convent. To enter the convent's grounds they have to crawl under some barbed wire. The nuns start crawling under the wire on their bellies. As they're crawling under the wire, the first nun turns to the second and says: "I feel like a marine." The second replies: "Yeah, me too, but where can you find one this time of night?"

Some nuns ran an orphanage in a rural area. One day the mother superior called in the teenagers who were about to leave. "You're going into a sinful world," she said. "I must warn you that men will take advantage of you. They'll buy you drinks and dinner, take you to their apartments, undress you and do terrible things to you. Then they'll give you $20 or $30 and kick you out." "Excuse me, Mother," one of the teenagers said. "You mean men will take advantage of us and give us money?" "Yes child. Why do you ask?" "Because the priests only give us candy."

It was 4 in the morning, and this guy needed some cigarets and all his clothes were in the washing machine. He didn't think any one would see him, so he went to the store naked. Just after he got there, four nearsighted nuns came in. The guy stood real still by the wall. "Oh look! A new vending machine!" one of the nuns said excitedly. All four of them went up to him. He handed the first one a candy bar, and the second one a pack of cigarettes, and the third one a small bag of potato chips. "What did you all get?" asked the fourth one, and they all told her. Then she replied, "Strange. All I got was some hand lotion!"

It seems that a nun and a priest were on a trip when their car broke down. They walked to the nearest motel, and got a room. Unfortunately, there was only a single bed room left. The priest told the nun that he would sleep on the couch, and she could sleep in the bed. They both got into their respective beds, and the priest started to fall asleep "Father," the nun said. "I'm awfully cold." The priest got up, and gave the nun a blanket from the closet. About ten minutes later, "Father," the nun said. "I'm still awfully cold." The priest got up, and gave the nun another blanket. Ten minutes later: "Father," the nun said. "I'm awfully cold. I don't think the good Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife for one night." "Your right," said the priest. "Get the blanket yourself!"

A fellow goes to confession and tells the priest, "Father, I've had an affair with another woman." "I see," says the priest, looking very grave. "But, I cannot grant you absolution until you tell me who she is." "Well, okay, Father," says the guy somewhat reluctantly. "Her name is Pussy Green, and she's a blonde and a knockout." The following Sunday, this gorgeous blonde makes her way down the aisle and into the front pew. The priest takes a few good looks and finally asks the altar boy, "Son, is that Pussy Green?" The altar boy stoops down and peers, then says, "No, Father, I think that's just the reflection from the stained glass windows."

The priest of a small town parish received a visit from his superior, the monsignor. As they walked through the streets of the town, the monsignor noticed a family of 8 walking together. Turning to the priest, he remarked: "Now, there goes a good Catholic family!" "Yes, monsignor, the father is one of my deacons, and the mother teaches in our sunday school." They amble along, catching sight of an even larger family, with 8 children. "Now, there goes another good Catholic family!" "Oh, yes, monsignor, the twins are both altar boys, their aunt is a Benedictine sister." As they go along, another large family comes into view, mother, father and 7 children. "What a great little town this is, there is another wonderful Catholic family!" "Well, actually, monsignor, that family is Presbyterian." "The sex fiend!"

The Pope visits the U.S. during Elvis's reign as King. He, lands, gets off the plane, and is greated by thousands of adoring fans. All screaming "Elvis! Elvis! Elvis!" He turns to his aid, and inquires what this is all about. "It seems they think you're Elvis", comes the reply. He gets into a limo, and the vehicle heads out, the motorcade attracting hundreds of fans all screaming "Elvis! Elvis! Elvis!" The driver looks into the rear view mirror, and says "It appears they think you're Elvis".They arrive at a hotel, and the Pope gets out to see dozens of fans outside the building. All screaming "Elvis! Elvis! Elvis!" The hotel manager approaches the Pope, who says "I know, they all think I'm Elvis!" By this point, he is deeply upset, and decides to retire directly to his room to brood alone. As he sits down on his bed and begins to remove his garments, the closet door swings open, and two naked blondes run out, yelling "Elvis! Elvis! Elvis!" The Pope jumps to his feet, twitches his hip, and sings "One for the money, two for the show..... "

The Lesson

The Jesus took His disciples up the mountain
and gathering them around Him He taught them saying:
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom
of Heaven,
Blessed are the meek,
Blessed are they that mourn,
Blessed are the merciful,
Blessed are they that thirst for Justice,
Blessed are you when persecuted,
Blessed are you when you suffer,
Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in Heaven."

Then Simon Peter said, "Are we supposed to know this?"
And Andrew said, "Do we have to write this down?"
And James said, "Will we have a test on this?"
And Phillip said, "I don't have any paper."
And Bartholomew said, "Do we have to turn this in?"
And John said, "The other disciples didn't have to learn this."
And Matthew said, "May I go to the bathroom?"
And Judas said, "What does this have to do with real life?"


1. Q: What is the definition of suspicion?
   A: A nun doing press-ups in a cucumber field.
2. Q: What is the definition of innocence?
   A: A nun working in a condom factory thinking she's making       sleeping bags for mice.
3. Q: What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
   A: A roaming catholic.
4. Q: What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
   A: A tran-sister.
Two nuns are cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says "I've never come this way before"; the second one replies "Must be the cobbles."

Mother Superior: "Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and you're accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?"
Sister Maria: "I would lift my habit, mother Superior."
Mother Superior (shocked): "And what would you do next?"
Sister Maria: "I would tell him to drop his pants."
Mother Superior: (even more shocked) "And what then?"
Sister Maria: "I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than he with his pants down.

"A priest asks a nun if he can walk her back to the convent. She says, "Just this once." Upon arriving, he asks if he can kiss her. She replies, "Well, alright, as long as you don't get into the habit."

A group of people are touring the White House in Washington D.C. As the tour ends, they are waiting in line to sign the visitors register. A group of Nuns are in line to sign the book, followed by a Jewish family with their young son Sheldon. As they near the visitors registry, young Sheldon loses patience and runs ahead to sign the book. However, his mother stops him and admonishes him saying, "Wait till the nun signs Shelly!"

A nun is undressing for a bath and while she's standing naked there's a knock at the door. The nun calls: "Who is it?" a voice answers: "A blind man".The nun decides to get a thrill by having the blind man in the room while she's naked so she lets him in. The man walks in, looks straight at the nun and says: "Corrrrrrrrrrrr, and can I sell you a blind dearie...?"

A nun goes to the Mother superior to confess her sins. "I think I have sinned. Father O'Reilly came to me in the middle of the night and said that he had St. Peters Key to the Pearly Gates. And then he said that the keyhole was between my legs. So we spent all night putting the key in the lock and taking it out again." "THAT BASTARD!" cried the Mother Superior. "For twenty years he's been telling me that's Gabriel's horn, and I been trying to blow it."

Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent? He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died. After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth -- to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?" The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?" With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?" The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life." "Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"
A group on nuns are travelling in a car when it has a flat tire. They get out and try to change it, but being rather unworldly do not know how to do it. Luckily, a truck came along and the (male) driver offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-bitch," he yelled. The eldest nun said to him,"That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language." "Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch", he yelled again. "Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us." "But I get so upset, and it just comes out." "Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me'". So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped. He started to say "So..", but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus help me." At that, the car just lifted up into the air by itself. The nuns looked at the car and said, "Son-of-a-bitch!"

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand." The Pope says "No way. You can't do that." The Queen says, "Watch this". So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic. So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it." So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head." The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done."So the Pope headbutts her.

DURING A RECENT ECUMENICAL GATHERING, A SECRETARY RUSHED IN SHOUTING, "THE BUILDING IS ON FIRE!"
The METHODISTS gathered in the corner and prayed.
The BAPTISTS cried, "where is the water?"
The LUTHERANS posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil.
The CATHOLICS passed the plate to cover the damage.
The JEWS posted symbols on the doors hoping the fire would pass.
The CONGREGATIONALISTS shouted, "Every man for himself!"
The FUNDAMENTALISTS proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of God!"
The EPISCOPALIANS formed a procession and marched out.
The CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS concluded that there was no fire.
The PRESBYTERIANS appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report as to whether the fire was predestined to ignite.
The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy reading" to the original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'." God takes him aside offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'.. the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"