KEN'S LETTER TO SANTA:
Dear Santa,
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of the issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.
First of all, I along with several other collegues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ablility to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length.
My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues that could be considered such as: "S&M Ken", "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets.
And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before.
In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe- he's mine, at least that's what he said last night.
Sincerely,
Ken
A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through the back door. Regrettably, only his body had made it through when Gabe slammed the door, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot.
Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business. The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out, silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could go on to the kitty after world complete. Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost: "I can't. You know the
law:... I can't retail spirits after 2:00 A. M..
Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you." "What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?" "45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.
"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."
"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you *are* 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."
One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning, son."
"Good morning pastor," replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked. "Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service,"
replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trail, the conversation went something like this:
Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"
Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."
Judge: "Proceed."
Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."
Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."
15 minutes go by and the judge returns.
Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"
Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."
There are 2 old people in a nursing home. The man's 92, the woman's 90. They start a relationship. What they do, he goes into her room, and gets in bed with her and they watch tv together with his penis in her hand. That's the extent of the relationship. She holds his penis in her hand while they watch tv. The woman is passing her girlfriend's room one night--she's 90 yrs old, too--and lo and behold, what does she see? Her man is in bed with the girlfriend. They're watching tv, she's holding his penis in her hand. The woman is outraged. 'How can you do this to me?' she wants to know. 'Is she prettier than I am? Is she smarter than I am? What has she got that I haven't got?" The guy answers, "Parkinsons."
Woman's Quote of the Day:
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with.
Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:
Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and
intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.
Dr. Skeffington, the famed heart surgeon, died. As he arrived at the Pearly Gates he informed St. Peter of his reputation and demanded to be admitted immediately. "I'm sorry," said St. Peter, "but you'll have to go to the end of the line." As Skeffington moved to the back of the line, a man dressed in a surgical mask and fown walked past the line and immediately into heaven.
Skeffington protested. "I'm sorry," said St. Peter. "That was God. He just THINKS he's a doctor."
Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Hey, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck."
How you tell it's going to be a rotten day:
- You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting at your office.
- Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
- You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the
city.
- Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
- Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
- The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
- You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your
business.
- Your income tax check bounces.
- Your pet rock snaps at you.
A man was seen walking through downtown with a desk strapped to his back, a typewriter under one arm, and a wastebasket under the other. He was stopped by a policeman, asked what he was doing, and arrested when he replied, . . . "Impersonating an office, sir!"
A ten -year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus: . . . the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page picturing several national flags. She pointed to the American flag and asked, "What flag is this?" A little girl called out, "That's the flag of our country." "Very good,"
the teacher said. "And what is the name of our country?" The girl said confidently, "Tis of thee."
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance...
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink...
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...
Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop.
"I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon.
"What for?" asked his colleague. "About $6,000." "What did he have?" "About $6,000."
One day, a 10 year old boy, Tom, and his 8 year old brother, John, were in their room playing. Tom said to his brother, "You know, I'm 10 years old now and I think I'm old enough to say a cuss word. I think I'll say 'damn.' John said, "I think I'm old enough to cuss too. I think I'll say 'ass.' The next morning at the breakfast table, the mom asked, "What would you like for breakfast this morning, Tom?" Tom replied, "I want some damn bacon and eggs." Shocked, his mother slapped him and he fell to the floor. "Now," she said to John, "What would *you* like for breakfast?" John replied, "I don't know, but you can bet your ass I don't want bacon and eggs!"
A man and his wife are doing yard work. The husband says to the wife, "Your rear end is as wide as the grill." She ignores the remark. A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then goes over to his wife while she is bending over working in a flower bed, he measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill." Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. She
calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained. "These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others. "The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a coke."