Star Trek Jokes
Why Kirk is better than Picard:
1.Three Words: Flying Leg Kick
2.Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail.
3.Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't even impressed.
4.When Kirk says "Boldly Go," he MEANS it.
5.Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon - easily.
6.Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL.
7.Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge.
8.Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute things, like Tribbles.
9.Kirk's bridge is not beige.
10.The Klingons didn't have a word for surrender - until they met Kirk.
11.Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses.
12.Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything.
13.Kirk's son would never drop out to become a musician.
14.Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them for resources.
15.You can never lock up Kirk for very long.
16.One Word: Fisticuffs.
17.Kirk doesn't let the doctor tell him what to do.
18.Kirk rarely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks Spock only.
19.Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.
20.Kirk knows how to deal with peace-loving hippy goofs.
21.Kirk has a cool phaser - not some pansy Braun mix-master.
22.Picard hasn't fathered any children; Kirk probably dozens
23.Picard never dated Joan Collins.
24.If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up.
25.If something doesn't speak English - it's toast.
26.Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic busy body named after a letter of the alphabet.
27.Kirk never once said "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!"
28.Kirk never asks his bartender for advice.
29.Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.
30.Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out.
31.Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.
32.Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt.
33.Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.
34.Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical
advantage.
35.Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.
36.Kirk can almost drive a stick shift.
37.Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.
38.Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
39.Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
40.Kirk would date Beverly Crusher - and damn the consequences!!
41.Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.
42.One Word: Hair.
Eight More Reasons...
1.Kirk could whip Picard (or probably anyone) in a game of Fizzbin.
2.No self-respecting brain would bet his hard-earned quatloos on Picard as a gladiator.
3.Did Picard ever save the whales? Huh?
4.Kirk can talk any computer into blowing itself up.
5.Picard never had to fight his own double. Kirk did it all the time.
6.Picard used the holodeck to pretend to be a detective. Kirk would use it for babes, babes, babes.
7.Although they both had engineers with funny accents, Kirk's had
better lines ("You canna' change the laws of physics, Captain!").
8."Tiberius" is a much cooler middle name than "Luc".
And the Picard camp response:
1.Picard is bald, this makes him more aerodynamic, causing warp to occur faster.
2.Picard speaks in long, eloquent sentences, not short, choppy ones.
3.Picard has been a Borg (that alone should be reason enough).
4.Picard has a robot.
5.Kirk never had to face a "Q".
6.After they stopped making The Next Generation, Picard didn't host Rescue 911.
7.When Picard wants a mind read, he has Troi do it. He doesn't need for his 1st officer to touch the person's head.
8.Picard spends more time working on the mission than on the women involved in the episodes.
9.In the last episode of The Next Generation, it was revealed that Picard had married Doctor Crusher and then divorced her. This would have been kind of messy with Kirk and McCoy....
Bumper Stickers found on Enterprise
10. "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!"
9. "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it"
8. "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!"
7. "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!"
6. "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!"
5. "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical."
4. "If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?"
3. "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?"
2. "We brake for cubes!"
1. "Wesley On Board!"
Best Bumper sticker on Borg ship: "Blonde Borgs have the same fun."
The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek:
10) You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the Green Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number 7.
9) You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a tribble.
8) You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the
Enterprise.
7) Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon and torture you for information.
6) You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and crew while they were in the 20th century looking for a whale.
5) Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers of T.J. Hooker and Capt. Kirk.
4) You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star Trek? Isn't that the one with Luke Skywalker?"
3) You have no life.
2) You recognize more than 4 references on this list.
1) You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you calculated for the planet Vulcan.
SUREFIRE SIGNS THAT STAR TREK IS TAKING OVER YOUR LIFE:
1. Saying "make it so" in casual conversation
2. Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include dilithium and tritanium.
3. Able to use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence without
excessive thought first
4. More than one pair of Spock ears on junk drawer
5. Have figured out the stardate system
6. Sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra
7. Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol
8. The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams
9. Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible, and
"The Omega Glory"
10. Memorization of the crew's authorization codes
11. Forgetting that present-day elevators don't have voice interface
12. Attending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments
13. Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the
Enterprise from the Franklin Mint
14. Understanding Klingon
15. Lecturing any science professor on how transporters work
16. Playing fizzbin and understanding it
17. "The Outrageous Okona" seems like a fine piece of writing and
dramatic stylistics
18. Paying rapt attention during those endless special effects
sequences in ST:TMP
19. Inexplicable rock-climbing urges
20. More than three original episode outlines buried in your drawers
Your Starship Captain just might be a redneck if...
- your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month
- he paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles
- you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"
- he refers to Klingons as "Critters"
- he refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"
- he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil
- he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer
section
- he says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing
frequencies"
- he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen
- he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle
- he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it
- he says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage"
- he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser
- he insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba"
- he sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster"
- he programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens
- he paints the starship John Deere green
- he refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"
- he refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"
- his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale
- he sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen"
- his idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls
- he wears mirrored shades on the Bridge
- his idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies
The Top Ten changes if Starfleet has Sponsors!
10) O'Brien would say "Thank you for using the Federation Express
transporter. When you absolutely, positively have to get there instantly"
9) Starfleet uniforms would carry Pepsi logos and say "Pepsi, the
choice of the Next Generation
8) Main bridge viewscreen would have "VH1" in the corner
7) Holodeck doors would say Sony Trinitron System
6) Communicator pins would be in the shape of an alligator.
5) Mercedes symbol painted on the saucer section
4) Turbolifts would have "OTIS ELEVATOR" signs
3) Ten-Forward would have a large neon "Miller Litespeed" sign
2) After communicator beeps, a voice says, "Thank you for using AT&T"
1) Enterprise name changed to American Express Enterprise
WILL WINDOWS 95 LIVE LONG AND PHOSPHOR?
"Sulu, set path to the floppy drive. Scotty, fit the hard drive with the MicroSoft Windows 95 engine. Chekov, prepare the install disks,we're about to begin a sequel." "Captain, Windows 95 doesn't do SQL." "Right. Then let's see how she performs at task speed. Scotty?" "Captain, are you surrrrre you want to rrrreplace the system? If ye put Windows code into a true 32-bit multitasking environment, we'll risk a matter-antimatter explosion!" "Scotty, that's an order." "Aye Captain, but she's just not ready. She needs a proper beta shakedown."
"That's what we're doing, Scotty. Chekov, how are those install disks coming?" "We're on disk 5, sir." "Good. Spock?"
"Fascinating, Captain. It appears as if Windows 95 is scanning
our hardware and mutating to adapt." "Then Spock, can you tell me why it is saying it can't use the Microsoft sound card, which works fine as configured under Windows 3.1?"
"Unknown, Captain." "Will it use a ProAudio Spectrum?"
"Unknown, Captain." "How about a Sound Blaster?" "Unknown, Captain." "What good are you, anyway?" "Box-office attraction, Captain." "Bones?" "I'm a doctor - not a hardware technician."
"Spock, cancel the Microsoft sound card and install the ProAudio
Spectrum. Chekov, finish the software installation. Sulu, reboot the system when it's ready and prepare to go to task speed on my signal." "Aye, aye, Captain." "Chekov?" "We've just entered the desktop zone, Captain." "Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors and the engines'll burn up fer surrrrre." "Scotty, we haven't even started yet." "Sorry, Captain, I just haven't had a line in so long..." "Sulu, go to task 1. Bring up the README.TXT in the notepad. "Aye, Captain."
"Wait a minute. Cancel that order. Plot a shortcut to the README.TXT in the desktop zone. We'll be navigating back there frequently." "Yes, Sir." "Spock?" "It seems as if we have a hardware conflict, sir. The ProAudio Spectrum 16 isn't responding, either in sound or SCSI." "Disable the card, Spock."
"I'm sorry, sir. It won't disable the SCSI without stopping sound card first. And it won't disable the sound card without disabling the SCSI first." "Captain, an enemy ship is approaching at 12 o'clock." "[Looks at watch.] Good, that gives us a little more time to debug these systems." "No, sir. The ship is already upon us." "Uhura?" "Scanning all frequencies, sir. I'm trying to get an image, sir, but the system is awfully slow." "Scotty, what's happening down there?" "The engine is running smoothly, Captain, but the 16-bit GDI can only process one console request at a time." "See what you can do, Scotty. Spock?" "It appears to be an IBM ship, Captain. Equipped with a Warp drive."
[Impressive sound of Warp engine coming up to speed. OOhs and Ahhs as crew gazes in the direction of enemy ship.] "Put it on visual, Chekov." "Aye, Captain." [Louder OOhs and Ahhs.]
"Spock, the enemy ship is approaching fast. We need audio!"
"I'm sorry, Captain. The registry is not responding." "Bones?"
"I'm a doctor, not a beta tester!" "Quick, Sulu, bring up the README.TXT file." "Captain - it's gone. Some other task in the system must have moved or changed it." "Long-range scan, Chekov."
"I found it, Captain. Wait a minute. This README.TXT file is for the game Land of Lore, with Patrick Stewart doing the voice of King Richard.""Patrick Stewart?" "You've never heard of Patrick Stewart?" "No." "Must be a generation gap."
"Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors and the engines'll burn up fer surrrrre." "[Sigh.] Maintain power, Mr. Scott. Quick, Sulu, put us on red alert." "Captain, I can't figure out how to change the color of the desktop background!"
"Bones?" "I'm a doctor, not the FORCE docs!!" "Never mind. Find the screen saver. Spock, prepare to fire HP LaserJet."
"Captain, I've chosen the screen saver that says `Chicago is COOL' but now I'm getting no response at the helm." [BOOM as the enemy hits ship with photon torpedo, then large zapping
sound, then either the ship moves back and forth, or people sway left and right, depending on perspective. Sparks fly from console, fires glare, indicating what would normally be irreparable damage, yet will be fixed in just minutes.]
"Sulu, take evasive action; otherwise, it's certain doom!"
"Aye, Aye, Captain. It certainly is Doom and I don't mind saying I'm getting awfully sick of this demo. Doom is one of the most stable games on the market and it runs under OS/2 with no problems whatsoever." "We've got... to get... to the kernel. Uhura... notify... the... kernel at Star Fleet." "Captain, I think either communications are breaking up, or you're
dropping into melodramatic Shakespearean stammer mode again."
"Spock?" "Fascinating, Captain. It would seem that the needs of the few have out-weighed the needs of the many." "Scotty, get us out of here!" "Sorry, Captain, the engine is no longer responding! We'll have to do a hard boot to rrrrecover."
"Bones?"
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