Top 10 Lists
The Top 10 Signs That You Have A Gambling Problem:
10)Most people say "Super Size"; you tell the kid behind the counter: "Hit Me".
9)You put coins in parking meters hoping for "The Big Payoff".
8)You videotape Lottery Number announcements.
7)You give odds as to when you'll mow the yard.
6)You spend more on doggie treats for "your friends at the track" than you do groceries.
5)You have actually bet on weather forecasts.
4)During Sex, when you reach orgasm you scream "21!!"
3)You blow on and then shake the keys before giving them to someone.
2)You get your paycheck each week in chips.
1)You admit to gambling on the outcome of "Rock Em/Sock Em Robot" matches.

The Top 10 Signs You Have A Bad Health Care Provider:
10)Has Dobermans chase stationary bikes in physical therapy.
9)Responds to every injury with "Aaargh, let's cut it off!"
8)2nd Opinion involves everyone else in the office going "Oooh, that ain't right!"
7)Uses the phrase "I saw this recently on ER" as the basis for your treatment.
6)Urine sample goes into a Big Gulp Cup
5)Chases patients down the hall with the defibrialator yelling "Clear this, ya bastard!"
4)Has Peanut Butter and Petroleum Jelly Sandwiches in the lobby.
3)Asks for your phone number during your gynecological exam.
2)Shows up for surgery with a chainsaw and goggles.
1)Forgets to tell you about the side effects of your prescription and then refuses to shake your 3rd hand growing out of your forehead when you leave.

The Top 10 Categories Never Used on Jeopardy:
10) "Noises Dad Makes"
9) "Things You Shouldn't Do With Farm Animals"
8) "Satanic Bible Verses"
7) "1st Cousin Pick-up Lines"
6) "Who's My Daddy?"
5) "Things You Shouldn't Put In The Microwave"
4) "Late Nights With A Cadaver"
3) "Serial Killers"
2) "What's That Rash"
1) "Ways I'd Kick Alex's A**"

The Top 10 Signs You Are About to Lose Your Job!:
10) Company credit card is replaced with discount coupons to Burger World.
9) When secretary passes out company memos, you get a map to the state unemployment office.
8) You are introduced to new hires as "The person whose job you'll be taking."
7) The cafeteria servers shun you.
6) You go to sharpen a pencil and don't remember having to pay a $250.00 service charge before.
5) Your desk is moved.....outside!
4) Your secretary answers your calls with "Thanks for calling the employee formerly known as Bob."
3) All of your airfare for company trips is One-Way
2) You're franchise in the office fantasy football league is sold
1) The secretary tells you that she only sleeps with employees

Top 10 Food Ideas Rejected By McDonalds:
10) Boutrous Boutrous Burger
9) Rocky Mountain McOysters
8) McSpleen
7) The Depressed Meal
6) Filet O' Flesh
5) McShrooms
4) Bob Barker's Happy Pants Meal
3) McTonya Club Sandwich
2) Grumpy Meal, Dopey Meal, and Sneezy Meal
1) Chicken McBobbitts

Top 10 Things You'll never hear a man say:
10. Here honey, you use the remote.
9. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
8. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
7. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
6. Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
5. Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just want to be held.
4. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
3. Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.
2. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1. We never talk anymore

Top 10 Things You'll never hear a woman say:
10. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
8. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
7. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
6. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends".
5. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
4. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
3. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.
2. I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!

The Top 10 Least Desirable Fortunes in a Fortune Cookie:
10) We know where you live.
9) You will need good reading material in approximately 15 minutes.
8) Everyone's meal today is on you!
7) The "special sauce" came from my body!
6) Guess what our special "drop" was in our Egg Drop Soup and win a free meal!!
5) Your colon will self destruct in five seconds.
4) A recent prison escapee that is sitting near by wants to love you long time.
3) Your dog Sparky...he's no longer missing.
2) You will get a raise soon...via your underwear.
1) MSG? NO!! Ebola Virus....maybe

The Top 10 Things Not to Say During A Job Interview:
10) "Damn, those are big tits!"
9) "Can I have a fridge at my desk to keep the beer in?"
8) "Do the Health Benefits cover imaginary spouses?"
7) "Umm. my last boss can't serve as a refernce because no one can seem to find his ROTTEN, STINKING, CARCASS!!!"
6) "Excuse me.. can you pull my finger?"
5) "Who in your HR Department is responsible for posting employee's bail?"
4) " I am soooo ready to test those drugs that I have to in order to get this job."
3) "I am fascinated by fire."
2) "I have to have Internet access....I write the Top 10s for the Funny Bone website."
1) "I know I wore them today but my casual days don't involve pants at all."

The Top 10 Annoying Things To Do In A Movie Theater:
10) Start the Wave.
9) Pretend to be Siskel of "Siskel and Ebert" and make people to move out of their seats so you can better review the movie.
8) Watch any "Ernest" movie in its entirety...shouting the whole time "That boy is dang funny!"
7) Hold a Junior Mints Spitting For Distance Contest
6) Roll eggs from the back row and see if you can have one make it all the way down...unbroken!
5) When the movie screen shows you where the emergency exits are...run screaming down the aisle "Ain't no way in hell I am going to be last this time!"
4) Shout "WHOOP, THERE HE IS" everytime the killer is on screen.
3) Buy a box of Whoppers, sit down, eat some and then read the calorie count on the side of the box as if it was the most EARTH SHATTERING piece of news you have ever heard.
2) Place a tape player under a seat in the back row....play the tapeyou made of you and your ex-girlfriend having sex....on about 10.
1) Right during a explosion scene, set off your own fireworks and then stand up and tell everyone around you: DAMN..THAT SURROUND SOUND IS GOOD!!!

The Top 10 Things That Would Happen or Be Said if Sex Was Sold In A Grocery Store:
10) Men would do a much better job of searching for and clipping coupons.
9) Hookers are renamed "Special Stock Girls."
8) If you ever were not "prepared", you could always go to Aisle 8
7) There's gonna be confusion over Trix on Aisle 3 and "Tricks" on Aisle 10.
6) Clean up on Aisle 10 would take on a whole new meaning.
5) Same with the phrase "Freshness Dating."
4) Same with "Buy One, Get One Free."
3) No one wants to win the One Millionth Shopper award.
2) Paper or Plastic or Rubber?
1) Some men would still be in the Express Lane

The Top 10 Things Not To Say Before Sex:
10) "Do they make a condom that small?"
9) "Scream good and loud so it'll be picked up on tape."
8) "Ain't no way the lights are staying on for this."
7) "Whatever you do, don't pull my toupee off."
6) "I'm sorry but I'm not drunk enough...can I have another shot?"
5) "You're as easy as the bathroom wall said you were."
4) "Geez, look at the sag on those."
3) "Aw cmon honey. the dog's just trying to be friendly."
2) "Hold on, let me go tell the guy in the closet when to start filming."
1) "The other girls in Junior High will not believe how I fooled a 25 year old guy."

The Top 10 Little Known Uses For Velcro:
10) Allows you to stalk someone really, really close!
9) How the heck do you think Spiderman walks on those dang walls?
8) It keeps those pipsqueak jockeys on those horses no matter what!
7) He doesn't know it but it helps Grandad's garbage sack pretending to be a diaper stay on really well.
6) Artwork won't be taken down off the fridge so quietly.
5) How else do those airplanes land on those aircraft carriers so fast?!?
4) It helps the careless window washer stay alive.
3) When you're burying someone alive, it'll keep the coffin sealed really tight.
2) The paramedics won't tell you this but its how they keep body parts attached.
1) With just one slap on the wall, it makes the cats stay put when you open the door.

The Top 10 Sexually Suggestive Pastries:
10) Creme filled Twinkies
9) D-Cupcakes
8) Sticky Buns
7) Cherry Pie
6) Banana Nut Bread
5) Specially "Glazed" Doughnuts
4) Tasty Pasties
3) Hot Pop Tarts(aka the Spice Girls)
2) Cinnamon Roll in the Hay
1) Scooter Pie

The Top 10 Ways To Make Golf More Exciting:
10) Replace Golf Shoes with those silly, pointed Elf Shoes.
9) Install every golf ball with that Fox-Cam.
8) Quicksand traps.
7) Every golfer must now have an animal name such as Tiger Woods, Dumbo Couples, Snake Price..etc...
6) Each hole now has a Tequila Shot along with a Tee Shot.
5) If you can hit the CBS Announcers Booth at 18, you win the whole damn tournament.
4) You play a fun-filled price game with Bob Barker to determine exactly where you'll putt from.
3) In addition to #4, if you sink the putt, there's an additional joke about the 19th hole and one of Barker's Beauties!!!
2) Combine the joy of putting, the gopher from Caddyshack and a wacky kids arcade game. Everytime you sink a putt...its Whack A Gopher!!!
1) Aw...what the hell. Two words: Topless Caddies!

The Top 10 Sexually Suggestive U.S. Army Sayings:
10) "You've got me at attention."
9) "Make a full retreat to my barracks."
8) "Ever owned Fatigue Lingerie?"
7) "Be All You Can Be...In My Pants!"
6) "I'm ready...help me aim and fire!"
5) "Looks like you could need some help in handling your weapon."
4) "No one will ever know...I'll be your Stealth Bomber."
3) "I know a good Foxhole when I see one."
2) "That's not a Code Red you're giving me..."
1) "I want you...to want me!"

The Top 10 Rejected Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Flavors:
10) Jammin' Salmon
9) Sliver o Liver
8) Miller Lite of my Life
7) Fresh From Herbert Sherbert
6) Guess what....That's Not Cookie Dough!!
5) Bad Ass Broth!
4) Funky Frozen Fat
3) Jeffrey Dahmer's Surprise Crunch
2) Jamaica Almond Joseph and The Virgin Mary Cherry
1) Pralines and Cream of Wheat

The Top 10 Things You Should Not Say To A Judge:
10) "I got your community service right here pal!"
9) "Boy your chamber sure does look different with the lights on."
8) "You couldn't carry Wapner's gavel you moron!"
7) "You're not as easy to buy as others said you were."
6) "Bite me you robe wearing geek."
5) "The point is that she's 18 NOW!"
4) "By the way before you sentence me, tell your wife that I can't meet
her at the hotel for our weekly rendezvous tonight."
3) "I don't suppose there's a "You get me off, I get you off" type of deal out there?"
2) "Just out of curiousity, are you wearing pants?"
1) "You wanna talk about penal code?!?...here's my penal code buddy!!!"

The Top 10 Prison Pick Up Lines:
10) "Interested in serving HARD time?"
9) "Don't you prefer dropping bar soap instead of that liquid crap?"
8) "Due to a recent execution, I now have an opening for my prison bitch."
7) "Time, Love and Tenderness isn't just a Michael Bolton song, its my way of life."
6) "Stop by my cell later for a Lethal Injection."
5) "Wanna Make License Plates after dark?"
4) "Cinemax3 is doing another one of those Women in Prison movies soon..wanna audition in my cell?"
3) "Bread, Water or Me?"
2) "Wanna Attend a Chain Gang Bang?"
1) "You're getting your GED..wow that makes me so H O T T!"

The Top 10 Bad Substitutes for Toilet Paper:
10) Your sleeve.
9) Those overdue bills
8) A really dumb dog.
7) Spiceworld Movie Poster.
6) That damn subpeona you got the other day.
5) Your GED.
4) Your Mother In Law's Tablecloth.
3) Your Boss's tie right before you quit.
2) Your kid's Barney Doll.
1) Your Top 10 List Rough Drafts!

The Top 10 Names For The President Clinton Sex Scandal:
10) Mideast Piece Process.
9) One Good Intern Deserves Another.
8) Fellatio Hornblower.
7) The Man From Hope Who Likes To Grope.
6) In Honor of Dr. Suess and "Horton Hears A Hoo", I give you "Clinton Bags A Babe."
5) Big Willie's Style.
4) The Summer of Hummers.
3) Swallow The Leader.
2) Hands On America.
1) Fornigate.

The Top Ten Really Cool Things to Do With Pudding:
10) It acts as cheap yet flavorful sunscreen.
9) It turns an ordinary game of Nude Twister into something very, very memorable.
8) Why spend a fortune on wrapping paper for gifts when you can just dip the gift extensively in pudding?
7) Hilarious hi-jinks occur when you put pudding in Dad's Caulking gun.
6) If you're really desperate and late for a first date, use some as a styling gel.
5) Put 6 opened packets in a leafblower and really PISS OFF YOUR NEIGHBORS!!
4) Screw that Slick50 stuff! Any auto mechanic worth his stuff will tell you that pudding helps lubricate your car's pistons better than anything.
3) Its a middle of the night surprise for Dad when you put pudding in his slippers.
2) Its a last resort lubricant used during an all day XXX movie shoot.
1) Summer heat getting you down?....Try cooling down with a POOL OF PUDDING!

The Top 10 Signs That Its Time To Do The Laundry:
10) You're wearing your last pair of underwear in the shower consistently.
9) You've worn your sheets to school because you can't get them off of you.
8) Your socks act like a shirt does when its heavily starched and emit a serious funk.
7) Your roommate walks around wearing a full body medical suit like they did in the movie "Outbreak" to avoid catching the Ebola virus.
6) The Snuggle Bear on the softener bottle officially died last week.
5) The DEA's drug sniffing dog is always coming by to sniff your laundry because the strong stench makes him think you have 28 tons of pot in your closet.
4) Even after sewing 28 spring scented dryer sheets to the inside of your shirt, your friends still say you reek.
3) The phrase "Wash Me" is visibly written in your jeans.
2) Your red T-shirt is now green.
1) The boss pulls you aside to remind you that your company's casual days does not include your college graduation gown and scuba diving fins.

The Top 10 Ways To Explain Sex To Your Children:
10) HOCKEY--Tell your child that Daddy is a hockey player and that Mommy is the goalie and that sex is trying to score. The problem is that Daddy thinks he is Wayne Gretzky when he really is a blind immigrant skater who couldn't find the net if he tried and is ALWAYS hitting the post instead of finding the perfect spot of the net to shoot for. Of course, Daddy feels that Mommy is Dominic Hasek and is consistenly pitching shutouts.
9) BARBIE AND KEN--If Barbie doesn't take Ken to the rack every once in a while, she wouldn't get the Dream House, the Dream Corvette and she'd be stuck with that slut Skipper all the time.
8) GARDEN--Sex is like growing a garden. The soil has to be fertile and the seed has to be planted at just the right time. That doesn't explain why Daddy has to CONTINOUSLY PRACTICE PLOWING TECHNIQUES WITH THE BABYSITTER!!!
7) BANK--Sex is where Daddy goes to the bank of love to make a special deposit and finds that Mommy either has the NEXT TELLER PLEASE WINDOW UP or IS SERVICING EVERY ACCOUNT IN TOWN!!
6) OLD TV REFERENCE--Sex is like The Addams Family... Everyone is trying to bury Uncle Fester.
5) KIDS TV REFERENCE-- Sex is what Barney does when the camera is turned off and he's had such a great need to love everyone that he and BabyBop tear up the set.
4) ALCOHOL--Sex is where Mommy's vat is fermented until all of the ingredients are mixed in and Daddy becomes the BREWMASTER.
3) RELIGIOUS--Sex is donating to the missionary.
2) BASEBALL--Sex is where Daddy swings a big stick in hopes of getting a home run but he swings too early, pops up instead of going deep and is usually replaced by a battery propelled pinch hitter.
1) COOKING--Sex is where Daddy puts his hogleg in Mommy's kitchen, hoping that it'll go well with her eggs and she's not serving the entire town breakfast.

YOU ARE NO LONGER "COOL" WHEN .....
1.You find yourself listening to talk radio.
2.You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
3.The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
4.You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
5.Your wife buys a flannel nighty and you find that sexy.
6.You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend
7.You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.
8.You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.
9.You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
10.When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
11.When jogging is something you do to your memory.
12.Rocking all night means dozing off in your rocking chair.
13.Sex becomes "All that foolishness".
14.Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
15.All the cars behind you turn on their headlights.
16.You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.
17.You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.
18.You actually ASK for your father's advice.
19.You don't know how to operate a fax machine.
20. When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board

The Top 16 Signs Your Cat is Overweight
16> Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.
15> Confused guests constantly mistaking her for beanbag chair.
14> Always lands on her spleen.
13> Fewer calls to the fire department, but a sudden upsurge in broken branches.
12> Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.
11> No longer cleans itself unless coated in Cheese Whiz.
10> Anna Nicole Smith fits through your kitty door without the aid of lubricants.
9> Catfood dish replaced with Rush Limbaugh trough.
8> Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pants suit.
7> It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.
6> "Steals breath" from all five quintuplets, simultaneously.
5> Larry King keeps trying to kiss it full on the lips.
4> Waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky.
3> He only catches mice that get trapped in his gravitational pull.
2> Enormous gut keeps your hardwood floors freshly buffed.
and the Number 1 Sign Your Cat is Overweight...
1> Has more chins than lives.

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