Top 100 reasons to be a Women
 1 women can get laid anytime they want
2 women never have to buy our own drinks at the bar
3 women piss sitting down so its easier to pass out on the toilet when you're drunk
4 women get out of speeding tickets by crying
5 women get out of speeding tickets by showing a little cleavage or leg
6 women can sleep our way to the top of the class
7 women get to shop at Victoria's Secret
8 women can marry rich and then not have to work
9 women never have to pay when they go out on dates
10 men take women on all expense paid trips - all women have to do is sleep with them
11 men light cigarettes for women
12 men hold the door open for women
13 women pout better (those puppy dog eyes always work!)
14 women are cuter
15 women lie better
16 women are better manipulators
17 women always end up sleeping in the bed when they fight with their other halves - men get the couch
18 women always have food in the fridge
19 when women cook, it doesnt precede a trip to the ER or a visit from the fire dept
20 women always get to choose the movie
21 women don't have to mow the lawn
22 women don't have to take out the garbage
23 women don't have to paint the house or walls
24 PMS - yet another excuse to bitch at men
25 cosmopolitan
26 women can con their way out of anything - not just dig themselves deeper into a hole
27 men unlock the womans side of the car first - a real bonus when its cold
28 PMS is a legal defense for murder
29 men are like tiles, lay em right the first time ya can walk all over them forever
30 women can masturbate more in a day than men
31 2 words - multi orgasmic
32 women don't have to constantly adjust their genitals
33 sweat is sexy on women
34 somene never run out of excuses
35 guys may get to think about sex 200 times a day, but women could be having it that often
36 doggie style - that way women get to watch the game too
37 women get expensive jewelery as gifts that they NEVER have to give back
38 women get candy, flowers and jewelery all the time cuz men fuck up so often
39 women can give "the look" that will make any man want to cower in the corner
40 women are cleaner
41 women have more than one erogenous zone (in case you men didn't know)
42 women are better arguers
43 women don't always have to think with their genitals
44 massage!!!!
45 women are better parents
46 women never have to sit home alone on a weekend night
47 there's never a shortage of ready, willing and able men
48 women are flexible
49 when women get pissed they don't destroy property or hurt people - they just take it out on the world in general because they can
50 menopause - thank god women not capable of having children after they are 50
51 menstruation - just another excuse to use so they can say "no" to sex
52 men in uniform
53 there is no penis envy
54 women can just roll over and go to sleep after they masturbate because there's no messy clean-up
55 it generally takes women less to get drunk
56 women have a higher tolerance to pain
57 women often get to cut in line
58 most women actually look good in short shorts - men DONT
59 better tips
60 women who don't wear underwear are considered sexy and wild, when men do it, its rather disgusting
61 women have mastered civilized eating - they don't embarass their friends or make loud bodily noises in public
62 women can go a day without showering or shaving and not look or smell disgusting - thank god for long pants and perfume!
63 women can connive men into doing their homework, writing their papers or carrying their books anytime they want
64 women don't have excessive amounts of body hair
65 women don't spend 45 minutes on the toilet
66 men will pay women for sex
67 smoking the seeds in marijuana doesnt make women sterile
68 women can throw a punch at a man and not get hit in return
69 men may fantasize about having sex with more than one woman at a time, but women can have sex with an entire football team at once if they want
70 men walk on the side of the sidewalk closest to the road so that if a car hits us, he gets hurt not us
71 women sweat less
72 women smell better
73 when women make their boyfriends mad, they don't have to waste money on flowers or cards - a blowjob and sex fixes all
74 men are more often serial killers, thieves, rapists and cheats
75 women don't get the humor in the three stooges
76 women have three accessible holes
77 they don't get embarassed when buying tampons
78 women are better gossips
79 women have better fasion sense
80 women are better shoppers
81 women don't have to make fools out of themselves to impress a man
82 women's friends don't pick on them if we arent sleeping with anyone
83 men don't know what womens 'girl talk' is all about
84 women are all sittin on a gold mine - they know it and use it to their extreme advantage
85 women don't have to drive when on a date
86 an ugly woman can use makeup and get a new hairdo to become presentable - ugly men are just fucked
87 women can use the old "that mark on my neck is from a curling iron burn" line
88 women know how fake it
89 women look better naked
90 women know that rhythm doesn't only pertain to dancing
91 when women are short, they're petite, when men are short, they're just short
92 women do less time for violent crime
93 women don't have to worry about not being able to get it up
94 an oblong vegetable is all women need for a good time any night
95 womens conversations generally consist of more than just "uh huh, yep ok then bye"
96 women don't need an excuse to be in a bad mood
97 women never have to see combat
98 the remote control is not an extension of ourselves
99 women are sexier
100 women can get laid ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, ANY WAY they want it!
Things You'll Never Hear a Redneck Say:
 We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
Wrasslin's fake.
We're vegetarians.
I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
Who's Richard Petty?
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
Trim the fat off that steak.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
The tires on that truck are too big.
I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
Unsweetened tea tastes better.
Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
Checkmate.
She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
Elvis who?
Why A Man Can't Win:
 If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you are a wimp.
If you don't, you are an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert.
If you don't, you are a fag.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist.
If you don't, you are unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain.
If you don't, you are a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you are after something.
If you don't, you are not thoughtful.
If you are proud of your achievements, you are up on yourself.
If you don't, you are not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she is tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you are oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.
TEN REASONS WHY STUDYING IS BETTER THAN SEX! 10. Can usually find someone to do it with you.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
8. Can finish early without feeling guitly.
7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry who else has opened that book.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night
5. If you don't finish a chapter, you won't gain a reputation of being a "book teaser".
4. You can do it, watch tv, and scarf popcorn all at the same time.
3. Don't mind if your folks interrupt you in the middle.
2. Don't have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you're not too sure what you are doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH
 1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay
2. Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time
3. You get to eat disgusting food like snails and frog's legs
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street
10. People think you're a great lover even though you're not

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN
 1. You can have a woman president without electing her
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
3. You can call Budweiser beer
4. You can be a crook and still hold elected office
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun
7. You can invent a new public holiday every year
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth
11. When you're not
12. At all

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH
 1. Two World Wars and one World Cup doo-dah doo-dah
2. Warm beer
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events
5. Union jack underpants
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power
8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not
9. Ditto changing underwear
10. Beats being Welsh
11. Or Scottish

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur
3. No need to worry about tax returns
4. Glorious military history... well, till about 400 A.D.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside
6. Political stability
7. Flexible working hours
8. Live near the Pope
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH
 1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing
6. Honesty 7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls
8. You get to eat bulls' testicles
9. Gibraltar
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN
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10. In-built sense of pacifism

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN
 1. Chicken Madras
2. Lamb Passanda
3. Onion Bhaji
4. Bombay Potatoe
5. Chicken Tikka Masala
6. Rogan Josh
7. Popadoms
8. Chisken Dopiaza
9. Meat Boona
10. Kingfisher lager

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH
 1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?!?!?!?

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH 2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road
4. Pubs never close
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on
6. No one can ever remember the night before
7. Kill people you don't agree with
8. Stew
9. More Guinness
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN
 1. It beats being an American
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge fuckoff shotguns and cover your house in their skins
9. Own-an-eskimo scheme
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN
 1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard that no civilized nation on earth wanted
2. Fosters Lager
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you
4. Annihilate England every time you play them at cricket, even though you don't understand the rules either
5. Tact and sensitivity
6. Bondai Beach
7. Other beaches
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drinking some cold lager on the beach

The Top 15 Unforeseen Consequences of the "Millennium Bug":
 15. IRS demands a hundred years of interest from stunned taxpayers.
14. "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" song gets stuck in infinite loop.
13. At the stroke of midnight, Windows 99 turns back into DOS 1.0, the Pentium V turns back into an 8088, and the Handsome User is left holding a beautiful glass mouse.
12. Internet Movie Database now lists "1901: A Space Odyssey"
11. Residents of Indiana have to figure out if they're off by 999 years, 364 days and 23 hours, or 1000 years and one hour.
10. Bob Dole's age erroneously listed with only 2 digits.
9. Mel Brooks's "2000 year old man" skit stops being funny.... Oops,too late.
8. Sales of Coca Cola jumps drastically after original cocaine-laden formula becomes legal again.
7. Software engineers point out that since computers think it's almost 1900, we technically have to "Party like it's 1899," which, frankly, doesn't seem like much fun.
6. Microsoft declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of the "Gatesian" calendar.
5. Jesus shows up late for His second coming, blames it on COBOL programmers.
4. Computers temporarily fooled into thinking Strom Thurmond is only 103.
3. First Top 5 List of the year? "Reasons No One Would Ever Assassinate President McKinley"
2. Using a computerized adoption service, Michael Jackson mistakenly takes home some octogenarians.
1. Unexpected demand for COBOL programmers results in severe understaffing of fast-food restaurants.

 TOP TEN REASONS GOD CREATED EVE.....
      10.  God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden
    because men hate to ask for directions.
       9.  God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand
    him the TV remote.  (Men don't want to see what's ON
    television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)
       8.  God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when
    his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get
    one for him.
       7.  God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment
    for himself.
       6.  God knew that Adam would never remember which night
    was garbage night.
       5.  God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would
    never be able to handle childbearing.
       4.  As "Keeper of the Garden,"  Adam would never remember
    where he put his tools.
       3.  The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed
    someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him
    hiding in the garden.
       2.  As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
    And the number one reason God created Eve...
       1.  When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back,
    scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that"

Top 10 Signs your "Baby" is too old for Breastfeeding

10. He can open your blouse by himself.

9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.

8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.

7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.

6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.

5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.

4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.

3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.

2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to "Dueling Banjos."

1. Beard abrasions on areola.