"Laying Off Sarah Or Jack"

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed. Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off. So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off." And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache!"

"Somehow Pregnant..."
A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor. "Young lady," said the doctor, "you're pregnant." "But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in our colony we practise sex only with our eyes." "Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is cockeyed."

"Top Or Bottom For Boy Or Girl"
There were women waiting in a doctor's office. They started talking and one women said, "I'm going to have a girl because I was on the bottom last time and I had a girl. I was on the bottom again this time so I'm going to have another girl." One of the other ladies said, "I'm going to have a boy, I was on the top." The last lady started to cry. The two other ladies asked, "Why are you crying?" She replied, "I'm going to have puppies!!!"

4... "Only I Can Have This!!"
An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old girls house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting the girl. He holds up the football and says, "See this football? Football is a boys game, and only boys can have a football!". The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, "I want a football!" Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one. The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike. She holds up the football... "Nah Na Nah Nah". The little boy angrily points to his bike and says, "Oh yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you can't have one!" She runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys bike. The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most private of parts says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!!!". The next day he walks by and says to her, "Well, I guess I showed you!" to which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!

"The Fly That Dropped 6 Inches"
There was a fly flying 6 inches above a lake. A fish in the lake thinks, "If that fy dropped 6 inches I'd get it!!!"
A bear on land thinks, "If that fly dropped 6 inches, the fish would jump out of the water, and I'd get it!"
A hunter thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear will go to get the fish, and I'll shoot the bear"
A mouse thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, and I'll steal the cheese off his sandwich!"
A cat thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, the mouse will go get the cheese, and I'll get that mouse!!!"
Suddenly it all happened, The fly dropped 6 inches, the fish got the fly, the bear get the fish, the hunter got the bear, the mouse got the hunter's cheese, but the cat missed the mouse and fell in the water!!!!!
The Moral Of This Story Is.................. "Everytime time a fly drops 6 inches, a pu$$y gets wet!!!"

"Blew Chunks"
There's this man who drinks beer at a local bar every night. One night, he came in and had nothing to drink. The bartender was curious and asked him why he wasn't drinking anything. The man replied, "I don't drink anymore... Last night, I blew chunks." "Oh that's nothing", the bartender replies. "Everyone gets a little sick after drinking at times!" "No, No", the man replies. "You don't understand. Chunks is my dog!"

"The Pain Divider Machine"
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd like to try it. The machine would take some of the woman's pain away and give it to the father thereby easing the mothers burden. The couple thought it was a good idea and agreed to give it a try. The Doc set it on 10% to begin with, telling the man that 10% was still probably more pain than he had ever felt. The man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling and asked for it to be increased. The doctor turned it up to 20% with the same results. This trend continued until the machine was set at 100%. After the delivery both mother and father felt fine. The wife was relieved at having an almost painless labor and the father was still amazed at how little pain was actually involved. Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.

"Q&A. Popeye's johnson"
Q: Why is Popeye's johnson so soft and smooth?
A: He keeps it in Olive Oyl.

"3 Biggest Lies Of A Wyoming Cowboy"
What are the 3 biggest lies of a Wyoming Cowboy?
1. I won this belt buckle.
2. The truck is paid for.
3. I was just trying to help the sheep over the fence.

"College Sweaters"
Three women at the doctors office. The first one goes in to see the doctor. When the doctor goes to examine her he notices a big "Y" on her chest. The doctor asks, "Why do you have a big "Y" on your chest?" She replys, "Well, my boyfriend went to Yale and when we make love he likes to wear his college sweater." The doctor nods and continues on with the next patient. When he examines her he notices a big "H" on her chest. Agian, the doctor asks, "How did you get a big "H" on your chest?" The woman replys "My husband went to Harvard and when we make love he likes to wear his college sweater." The doctors just nods his head and continues on with the last patient. As he examines her he notices once again that this woman also has a letter on her chest. A large "M". He says, "Dont tell me, your boyfriend went to Michigan?" "NO" replys the patient "but my girlfriend went to Wisconsin"

"Balwinder In Pickup Bar"
One Sardar went to US and stepped in for the first time in a pickup bar. While he was enjoying the scene around, a babe came and placed her self provocatively on Sardi's lap. She said " Hi, I'm Suzan, 'Suzi' to you " Sardi was all excited with this welcome and said, "Hi I'm Balwinder, Balls to you"

"** THE GIFT **"
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove". "These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really good". "I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again". "When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing". "Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love". "P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

"Dog Cleaning Himself"
Two winos are staggering down an alleyway, late at night, very drunk on cheap wine. Happy, arm in arm and singing, they suddenly stop dead in their tracks. Directly ahead of them is a fleabitten, old mongrel, male dog - cleaning himself. One wino staring with bloodshot, unfocused eyes and on unsteady legs at the dog, then his crotch and then back at the dog. He says, "Wow..would I ever like to be able to do THAT!" His friend looks at him, then the dog and then takes his drunken friend aside, "You'd better pet him first....he looks vicious".

"Forget The Children!"
A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Protestant Minister are on a cruise. Suddenly the boat begins to sink. The Protestant Minister yells, "Abandon ship! Women and children first!" The Rabbi says, "Screw the children." The Priest then replys, "Do we have time for that?"

"Immigrants Eating Hot Dogs" Two guys immigrate to America. On their first day off the boat they are wandering around New York City seeing the sights. As lunch time approaches they decide they are hungry. They then come up to a street vendor selling hot dogs. One says to the other in a shocked tone, "My God - They eat dogs in America?" "I can't believe it!" says the other, equally appalled. "Well," says the first, "we're going to be Americans, so we must do as they do." They approach the vendor bravely. "Two hot dogs, please." The vendor hands them their food in a pair of paper sacks. The two immigrants sit on a park bench to eat their lunch. One looks inside his sack, hesitates and turns to his partner and says, "Uh, which part of the dog did you get?"

Shots Outta Get Rid Of That Taste"
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

"Two Weird Lumberjacks"
Bill and John, two lumberjacks, are out cutting timber one cold day when Bill starts to complain about always having chapped lips then notices John never does. "Why don't you ever have chapped lips?"asks Bill. John answers, "It's simple - watch..." John drops his pants, bends over and sticks his finger up his butt, then rubs his finger all over his lips. "Does that keep you from getting chapped lips"? Bill askes, "No" replies John, "but it sure keeps me from licking them"!

"Superman Gets Horny"
One day Superman is really horny and sees Wonder Woman sunbathing on a beach naked! He gets an idea... "They've always said I'm faster than a speeding bullet and I've always wondered what she'd be like with all her powers. So he zooms down and does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can notice. All of a sudden WonderWoman sits up and says, "What the hell was that!?!". Then the Invisible Man gets off her and replies, "I don't know but it hurt like hell!"

"Questions & Answers ..." Q: What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
A: A dictater.

Q: What do you get when you cross a pickle and a deer?
A: A dildo.

"My Family Is Gay"
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back. "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said: "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah... My wife!"

"POOF! POOF!"
There were three guys in hell. an Italian guy , a bum and a gay guy. One day the devil says to them I'm gonna give you one more chance on Earth, but you can't have your favorite thing. "Italian guy, you can't have any pizza. Bum, you can never shag money again. Gay guy, you can never have sex with another man." So the devil sends them back to Earth and they wind up in front of a pizza shop. The Italian guy just can't control himself and he runs in and eats a piece of pizza, POOF! Now the gay guy and the bum are walking down the street and the gay guy spots a $100 bill and points it out to the bum. The bum bends over and picks it up with the gay guy behind him and, POOF!... POOF!

"The Flashing Wife"
A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers. "Hi, is Tony home?" "No, Chris, he went to the store." "Well, do you mind if I wait?" "No, come on in." They sit down and the friend says, "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I've ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Sara thinks about this for a second and figures, what the hell, a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows him one. He thanks her and promptly throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says, " They are just so beautiful! I've got to see them both. I'll give you another hundred if I could just see them both together." Sara say what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another hundred bucks on the table and says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

There was a young man in the Air Force who was so well- endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Air Force doctors and one Air Force nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation. The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity. The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it." They discussed this, and decided it would change the texture and feel of it. The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it." They discussed this, too, and agreed that it might give him erection problems. The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?"

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?""Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

This guy was driving down the highway and was pulled over by the cops. The cop asked the man for his name and the guy replied, "Earl." "You got a last name, Earl?" "Nope. It's a long story, Officer." "I got time." Earl sighs and says, "Well, Officer, at first I was known as Earl Doo-Daa. I was going to school to become a doctor, and I did, so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD. I got bored just being a doctor so I went to dental school, graduated, and became Earl Doo-Daa, M.D., D.D. After a little more time I fooled around with this girl and got VD. So I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD, DD, with VD. When the medical board found out about my VD they took away my MD so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, DD with VD. The dentistry board also found out about the VD and took away my DD making me Earl Doo-Dah with VD. Finally, the VD took away my Doo-Dah so I'm now just Earl."

A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders. He says, "What the hell is that all about?" The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm. There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other."

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference." She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, "Well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night." The son then asks his father, "Well what's the 6 pack for?" The father replies, "Well that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning." Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for. The father replies, "Well that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March..."

Oh, What a Tangled Web We Weave...
Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study.The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to two separate classrooms to take the exam. Each boy just shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the directions:"For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom. For 95 points, tell me WHICH tire it was!"

"more Useless Jokes"