Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and
obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks
"Have you got the time?"
 
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a
quarter to six," he says.
 
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake
brightens a little.
 
"Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone
display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86
largest metropolises.
 
He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says
"The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more
buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues
"I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is
unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.
 
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all", says
Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very
high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The
flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains
Jake.
 
"View recede ten", Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern
New York state.
 
"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.
 
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the
bugs", says the inventor.
 
"But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is
also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner,
a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager
with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity
for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I only
have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake.
 
"I've got to have this watch!", says the stranger.
 
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready -"
 
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
 
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than -"
 
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
 
"But it's just not -"
 
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a
checkbook.
 
Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and
development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it
ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically
finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is,
ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave
it."
 
Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK", he says, and peels off the
watch.
 
They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey,
wait a minute", calls Jake to the stranger, who turns around warily.
Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through
the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries."

KISS THAT FROG:

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and 
said: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."  He bent 
over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. 

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into 
a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire 
week."  The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and 
returned it to his pocket. 

The frog cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful 
princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want!"  
Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and returned it to his 
pocket. 

Finally the frog asked, "What is the matter?  I've told you I'm a 
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything 
that you want.  Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm an engineer.  I don't have time for a 
girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
********************************************************************

PREHISTORIC TECH SUPPORT:

The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial 
revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to 
communicate:
 
This fire help.  Me Groog
 
Me Lorto.  Help.  Fire not work.
 
You have flint and stone?
 
Ugh
 
You hit them together?
 
Ugh
 
What happen?
 
Fire not work
 
*sigh*  Make spark?
 
No spark, no fire, me confused.  Fire work yesterday.
 
*sigh*  You change rock?
 
I change nothing
 
You sure?
 
Me make one change.  Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn 
Lorto hand.  Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire.
 
*Grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave*
********************************************************************

NEW DEFINITIONS:

* ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now 
growing in the middle.
* BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
* BOSS: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are 
early.
* CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
* CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after
they 
are dead.
* COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
* CRIMINAL: A guy no different from the rest... except that he got 
caught.
* DIPLOMAT: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you 
actually look forward to the trip.
* DOCTOR: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his 
bills.
* EXPERIENCE: The name men give to their mistakes.
* FATHER: A banker provided by nature.
* GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more 
damage.
* HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
* INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
* MARRIAGE: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree 
and woman gains her master's.
* MISER: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
* MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
* MYTH: A female moth.
* RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
* RUMOR: News that travels at the speed of sound.
* SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
* TEARS: The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by 
feminine power.
* TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
* WORRY: Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.
* WRINKLES: Something other people have.  You have character lines. 
* YAWN: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
* YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
********************************************************************

I SHOULD GET A JOB WRITING PUNS:

* I used to work in an orange juice factory, until I got canned.  Yeah, 
they put the squeeze on me... said I couldn't concentrate.  You know, 
same old boring rind over and over again.
* I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave 
me the axe.
* I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.  It was a 
sew-sew
job.
* I used to work in a muffler factory, until I got exhausted.
* I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
* I wanted to be a chef, figured it would add a little spice to my
life, 
but I just didn't have the thyme.
* I used to be a deli worker, but I couldn't cut the mustard.
* I used to be a musician, but I wasn't noteworthy.
* I used to be a math teacher until I found out I had no class.
* I used to be a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.
********************************************************************

ROOM SERVICE:

Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while 
after reading this.  It was nominated best email of 1997.  A telephonic 
exchange between a hotel guest and room service, at a hotel in Asia, 
which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.....

Room Service :  "Morny.  Ruin sorbees" 
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service" 
RS :  "Rye... Ruin sorbees... morny!  Djewish to odor sunteen??"
Guest:  "Uh... yes... I'd like some bacon and eggs" 
RS:  "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?... pry, boy, pooch?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them?  Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem... crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine"
RS : "Hokay.  An San tos?"
G:"What?"
RS:"San tos.  July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No?  Judo one toes??"
G:  "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one
toes' 
means."
RS:  "Toes!  toes!... why djew Don Juan toes?  Ow bow singlish mopping 
we bother?"
G: "English muffin!!  I've got it!  You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. 
Yes, 
an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No... just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G:  "I mean butter... just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G:  "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy... tea... mill?"
G:  "Yes.  Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie.  Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, 
tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy... rye??"
G:  "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tendjewberrymud."
G : "You're welcome."
********************************************************************

CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS:

* This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the south and north ends
of 
the church.  Children will be baptized at both ends. 
* Tuesday, at 4pm, there will be an ice cream social.  All ladies
giving 
milk come early. 
* Wednesday the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet.  Mrs. Johnson will 
sing, "Put Me In My Little Bed," accompanied by the pastor. 
* Thursday, at 5pm, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club.
 
All ladies wishing to be Little Mothers please meet with the pastor in 
his study.  
* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward
and 
lay an egg at the alter. 
* The service will close with "Little Drops of Water."  One of the 
ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join
in. 
* One Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses 
of the new carpet.  All those wishing to do something on the new
carpet, 
come forward and get a piece of paper. 
* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and
they 
may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon. 
* A bean supper will be held on Saturday evening in the church
basement. 
Music will follow. 
* The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of 
David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Belzer. 
* Tonights sermon: "What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir 
practice. 
* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a 
nursery downstairs. 
* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 
* Potluck supper.  Prayer and medication to follow. 
* Don't let worry kill you off--Let the church help.
********************************************************************

SIGNATURES SEEN ON THE NET:

1. Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. 
2. Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk? 
3. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. 
4. We are born naked, wet and hungry.  Then things get worse. 
5. Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand. 
6. Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! 
7. Did anyone see my lost carrier? 
8. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. 
9. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing! 
10. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. 
11. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. 
12. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. 
13. There's too much blood in my caffeine system. 
14. Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity. 
15. Hard work has a future payoff.  Laziness pays off now. 
16. Friends help you move.  Real friends help you move bodies. 
17. Ever notice how fast Windows runs?  Neither did I. 
18. Double your drive space - delete Windows! 
19. What is a "free" gift?  Aren't all gifts free? 
20. If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. 
21. "Very funny, Scotty.  Now beam down my clothes." 
22. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. 
23.Oops.  My brain just hit a bad sector. 
24. I used to have a handle on life, then it broke. 
25. I don't suffer from insanity.  I enjoy every minute of it. 
26. I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not 
screaming, terrified, like his passengers. 
27. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. 
28. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 
29. When there's a will, I want to be in it. 
30. Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check? 
31. Few women admit their age.  Few men act theirs. 
32. I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. 
33. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART? 
34. All generalizations are false, including this one. 
35. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 
36. "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy. 
********************************************************************

PROVE ANYTHING:

Methods for getting people to believe you (as good as, if not better 
than, proof).  A collection of proof techniques that will prove 
invaluable to both mathematicians and members of the general public. 

PROOF TECHNIQUE #1 - 'Proof By Induction' 
  1.Obtain a large power transformer. 
  2.Find someone who does not believe your theorem. 
  3.Get this person to hold the terminals on the HV side of the 
transformer. 
  4.Apply 25000 volts AC to the LV side of the transformer. 
  5.Repeat step (4) until they agree with the theorem. 
PROOF TECHNIQUE #2 - 'Proof By Contradiction' 
  1.State your theorem. 
  2.Wait for someone to disagree. 
  3.Contradict them. 
PROOF TECHNIQUE #3 - Fire Proof 
  1.Summon all your inferiors for a departmental meeting. 
  2.Present your theorem. 
  3.Fire those who disagree. 
PROOF TECHNIQUE #4 - The Famous Water Proof 
  1.State your theorem. 
  2.Wait for someone to disagree. 
  3.Drown them. 
(This is closely related to the 'bullet' proof, but is easier to make 
look like an accident.) 
PROOF TECHNIQUE #5 - Idiot Proof 
  1.State your theorem. 
  2.Write exhaustive documentation with glossy colour pictures and 
arrows about which bit goes where. 
  3.Challenge anyone to not understand it. 
PROOF TECHNIQUE #6 - Child Proof 
  1.State your theorem. 
  2.Encapsulate it in epoxy and shape it into an ellipsoid. 
  3.Put it in a jar with all the other proofs (one with one of those 
Press-to-Open lids). 
  4.Give it to a professor and challenge him to open it. 
PROOF TECHNIQUE #7 - Rabbit Proof 
  1.Generate theorems at an altogether startling rate, much faster than 
anybody is able to refute them.  Use up every body else's paper.  Run 
away at the slightest sign of danger. 
  2.Leave any crap in small, easily identified piles, in prominent 
places where you no longer are, and it cannot in fact be proven that
you 
ever were. 
PROOF TECHNIQUE #8 - Fool Proof 
  1.State your theorem. 
  2.Invite colleagues to comment. 
  3.If they don't agree, exclaim loudly, "You Fools!"
********************************************************************

PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE VOICE MAIL:

RING...RING...click 

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. 

* If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. 
* If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2. 
* If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. 
* If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you
want.  
Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. 
* If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will 
tell you which number to press. 
* If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press.  
No one will answer. 
* If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware 
that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and 
about to bite off your ear. 
********************************************************************

USELESS INVENTIONS:

1. A freezer for Eskimos. 
2. AC adapter for solar calculators. 
3. Air-Bag Motorcycle jacket. 
4. Anklet wristwatches for contortionists. 
5. Avalanche prevention goggles. 
6. Battery powered battery charger. 
7. Battery-operated nuclear power plants. 
8. Blinker Fluid. 
9. Braille Drivers' Manual 
10. Braille toilet paper. 
11. Braille tv guide. 
12. Braille tv remote control. 
13. Brake oil. 
14. Breathable space suit. 
15. Brown undershorts. 
16. Cabin pressurization system for the Cessna 150. 
17. Caffeine-free Diet Coke. 
18. Camcorder with braille-encoded buttons. 
19. Candy bars with stannous fluoride added. 
20. Car steering triangles -- doubles as anti-theft device. 
21. Cast iron wire. 
22. Cat flap for the fridge. 
23. Checkered paint. 
24. Combs for bald-heads. 
25. Cordless plumb line. 
26. Dehydrated water. 
27. Diet celery. 
28. Digital clock-winder. 
29. Digital computer. 
30. Double-sided playing cards. 
31. Downhill stairmaster. 
32. Ejector seats for helicopters. 
33. Electric banana straightener. 
34. Electric dog polisher. 
35. Extra-large bicycle clips, for use when cycling in shorts. 
36. Fat-free Twinkies. 
37. Felt Jumper cables. 
38. Fine glass-crystal castanets. 
39. Fireproof cigarettes. 
40. Fireproof kindling. 
41. Fireproof matches. 
42. Flame-retardant gasoline. 
43. Flashbulb tester. 
44. Flavoured suppositories. 
45. Foam rubber toothpicks. 
46. Freeze Dried Water. 
47. Frictionless Sandpaper. 
48. Fur sink. 
49. Hand-powered chainsaw. 
50. How-to cassettes for the deaf. 
51. Ice skate sandals, for use in hot climates. 
52. Inflatable anchor. 
53. Inflatable darts-board. 
54. Inflatable PC -- The Ultimate Laptop! 
55. Kickstand for a tank. 
56. Laundromat in a nudist colony. 
57. Leather cutlery. 
58. Lie detectors for politicians. 
59. Low salt brine. 
60. Low-calorie PowerBar. 
61. Luminous sun-dial, for use at night. 
62. Matte finish floor wax. 
63. Mesh raincoat. 
64. Micro-miniature personal vibrator. 
65. Money with negative face value. 
66. Motorcycle seat-belts. 
67. Muffler Bearings. 
68. Non-intrusive alarm clock (raises a flag instead of ringing a
bell). 
69. Non-stick Cellotape. 
70. Open Toed Safety Shoes. 
71. Papier mache step ladder. 
72. Parachute that opens automatically, upon impact. 
73. Particle board tent stakes. 
74. Reduced calorie water. 
75. Remote control for a computer. 
76. Remote control for a Watchman. 
77. Reversible garbage disposal. 
78. Rollerblade skates for peglegs. 
79. Rubber Kleenex. 
80. Screen door on a submarine. 
81. Second-hand fireworks. 
82. Self stick frying pan. 
83. Soap Dissolver. 
84. Solar powered flashlight. 
85. Solar powered night light. 
86. Solar-powered pacemakers for elderly sunbathers. 
87. Steel-belted radial rubber bands. 
88. Strap-on portable chairs. 
89. Sugar coated insulin. 
90. Sundial with glow in the dark markings. 
91. Tire chains for motorcycles. 
92. Trailer hitch for the Honda CVCC. 
93. Training wheels for timid sports car drivers. 
94. Umbrella with a skylight. 
95. Unsinkable submarine. 
96. Waterproof sponge. 
97. Waterproof teabags. 
98. Waterproof toilet paper. 
********************************************************************

CONFUCIUS SAY:

1. Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.
2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
4. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
5. Passionate kiss like spider web--lead to undoing of fly.
6. Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day.
7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
8. Virginity like balloon--one prick, all gone.
9. Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.
11. Baseball all wrong--man with four balls can't walk.
12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
14. Man with penis in peanut butter is fucking nuts.
15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
18. Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.
19. Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
20. Woman who fly plane upside down have crackup.
21. He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.
22. Elevator smell different to midget.
23. Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
24. Man who lay girl on hill not on level.
25. Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
26. Man who snatches kisses when young, kisses snatches when old.
27. Girl who douches with vinegar walk around with sour puss.
28. He who make oral love to epileptic woman may get tongue-tied.
29. Man who have hand in pockets, not crazy, just feeling nuts.
********************************************************************

DRIVING TEST:

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by 
the California Department of Transportation's driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at 
the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, 
"Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer 
drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a 
flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a shithead all day long.
********************************************************************

SEX RELATED MEDICAL FACTS

1. It takes 116 muscles to climax, but only 17 to smile.
2. Sex makes you alert and ready to face the world... it's an ideal 
substitute for a hot breakfast.
3. The greater the orgasm, the deeper the sleep.  Multiple orgasms (20 
or more per hour) can induce a coma and near-fusion with the mattress.
4. Eat and drink sensibly.  The combination of alcohol and sex, 
especially after long abstinence, can cause spontaneous fizzle.
5. Improved breath control increases oxygen supply throughout entire 
body, prevents asphyxiation during mighty kisses, trims and tones 
pelvis, promotes a stronger upper body enabling you to hold on tight
and 
keep partner from damaging furniture during moments of ecstacy. 
6. Better coordination prevents confusion during intricate 
manipulations, permitting you to talk and perform at the same time. 
7. A single ejaculation, especially from a man, contains enough sperm 
cells to fertilize every woman in the Marines.
8. Oral sex is a great way to firm the lower face.
9. After 16 steady hours of sex, it is wise to check your insurance 
policy.
10. "Where am I?" should not be considered an abnormal response to 
immense orgasm.
11. Men who experience difficulty with insertion should see a guidance 
counselor.
12. Too much arousal can bring on a hard-attack.
13. It's perfectly okay to have sex on an empty stomach, especially if 
it belongs to your partner.
14. You know that you've had too much sex when your life begins to
flash 
before your eyes.
15. You know you've had too little sex when my partner begins to flash 
before my eyes.
16. Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and in 
demand.
17. Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it stand up 
straight.
18. Thirty percent of our body heat escapes through the head (wear a
hat 
during sex).
19. Sex on an inclined surface (an anthill, for example) builds 
endurance.
20. The length of an orgasm is usually anywhere from three to eleven 
seconds or four to seven feet.
21. 1970 FDA approves spray-on Vaseline.
22. To prevent bedsores, oil the sheets.
23. Maintenance tip for massages: change the oil every 10,000 strokes.
24. Sexual survival depends on knowing the difference between a 
birthmark and a rash.
25. The newlyweds left the sex therapist's office determined to develop 
more effective body language. "OK," the husband said, "when I want sex, 
I'll rub your right breast. When I don't want sex, I'll rub your left 
breast." "Fine," his bride replied, "but what about me?" "When you want 
sex, rub my johnson once. When you don't want sex, rub my johnson five 
hundred times."
********************************************************************

WHEN THEY GET MARRIED...

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry 
EltonJohn, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman 
Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married 
Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

How about a baseball marriage?  If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou,
he'd 
be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to 
marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other
name, 
so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. IF he married 
Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan 
Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.

If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, 
then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar 
(of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener
mathematician), 
she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in 
show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin 
Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all 
nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short 
Guy."