1) Open a new Microsoft Word document 2) Type the phrase: I'd like Bill Clinton to resign 3) Highlight this phrase as if you were going to check for spelling 4) Select: Tools - Thesaurus and look at what comes up!
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I will be constantly adding jokes to this, so stay tuned...
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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young Engineer fresh out of Stanford, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $100,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"
And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."
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A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a
lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment
that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two
worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor
putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water
writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully,
and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now,
what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor
asked.
Little Leroy, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and
wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!!!"
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1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
11. People walk slower here.
12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol'truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local rocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
24. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
25. In southern churches you will here the hymn, All Glory, Laud and Honor. You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy","Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".
26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
27. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself. ***************************************************************
Measuring the Cold +60 - Californians put on sweaters. +50 - Miami residents turn on the heat. +45 - Vermont residents go to outdoor concert. +40 - You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably. Minnesoootans go swimming. +35 - Italian cars don`t start. +32 - Water freezes. +30 - You plan your vacation in Australia. +25 - Ohio water freezes. Californians weep pitiably. Minnesoootans eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming. +20 - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. New York City water freezes. Miami residents plan vacation further south. +15 - French cars don`t start. Cat insists on sleeping with you. +10 - You need jumper cables to get the car going. + 5 - American cars don`t start. 0 - Alaskans put on T-shirts. -10 - German cars don`t start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink. -15 - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongues on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist. -20 - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you. Politicians actually do something about the homeless. Minnesoootans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don`t start. -25 - Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going. -30 - You plan a two week hot bath. Swedish cars don`t start. -40 - Californians disappear. Minnesoootans button top button. Canadians put on sweater. Your car helps you plan your trip south. -50 - Congressional hot air freezes. Alaskans close the bathroom window. -80 - Hell freezes over. Polar bears move south. Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game. -90 - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets. -100 -Canadian buildings turn off air conditioning. ***************************************************************
I will try to keep all jokes clean, but if offended, I am sorry! Also, if you have any good jokes or tricks, send them, and i will appreciate it.]
Click here for a new joke everytime you visit me.
Also, check out these jokes pages below. More are constantly being added!
Jokes.com
A good joke page w/ clean or dirty
Coops Jokes
Bored.com(great tricks and other fun stuff!)
