On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiney new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you? The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off, says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did. "The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top!"
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through station All was quiet except for our snoring dalmation. Our boots had been placed by the bunksides with care In hopes that the shift change would finally be here. The lights were turned down and the TV was off The rigs had been washed and the floors had been mopped. Firemen and Medics lie nestled in bed While visions of homelife danced through their heads. When out of the darkness, arose ringing and light The Klaxton brought tidings of something not right. The Firemen and Medics were dressed in an instant Aboard their trucks and racing into the distance. The moon on the breast of the newfallen snow Reflected the lights in a hellish, red glow. The sirens, they wailed while the federal screamed Moving too slowly, as if in a dream. The wreckage was there and came slowly in sight Lending fear, pain, and loss to our silent night. Each of us thought of our own Wife, Daughter or Son Each prayed in silence, "Let me save at least one." We leaped to the task without further a thought And for more than two hours we worked and we fought... To free the two drivers who hadn't been thinking their driving would suffer after a full night of drinking. The smoke of the flares, and the stench of the blood The screaming of metal as we rolled back the hood. The cry of one driver, the whine of the Jaws Putting fear aside, we never gave pause. With one driver out, and the other prounounced dead We focused our efforts on keeping our heads. C-spine and backboard and IV in place We loaded him up and we started the race. The monitor showed a heart rate to slow BP revealed a systolic too low. Level of consciousness rapidly dying Despite all of this...the Medics kept trying. Atropine, Dopamine, Epi and more... to keep our reason for being from opening death's door. We fought and we prayed and tried all that was known While trying to believe fault wasn't our own. The sun, she was rising as we reached the ER We'd given all that we know, and all that we are. The Doctors pronounced with barely more than a glance. And gone in a blink, was the patient's last chance. The ride back to the station was quiet, and then.... Despite what we'd been through, the singing began. At first it was one and then all followed suit This effort together was merely the fruit... Of a labor that however needlessly beared Was one of a million we knew we had shared. As we sang out the words of the song, "Silent Night" We acknowledged to ourselves that we put up a good fight. The punch of the clock, the start of a car we all realized and loved who we are. And on Christmas morning, as we all drive away... We know we'll all try in a couple of days... To give someone back their one chance to live Now matter how hard or how much we must give. So please, when you pray on this new Christmas morn Add something for us, and for all that we've borne. Merry Christmas to all my brothers and sisters in EMS, Fire and Police. We're all here together, and we all come back another day. Love you all.
Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter the House) a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter Claus) would arrive at sometime thereafter.
The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned> House, were located in their individual beds and were engaged in
nocturnal hallucinations,i.e. dreams, wherein visions of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as I), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter Mamma), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtent to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance.
The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter the Vehicle) being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus. Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter the Deer). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named Rudolph may have been involved.)
The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.
Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items.
He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.
Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute gifts to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)
Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as lookouts. Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.
However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night, or words to that effect.
Cajun 12 Days of Christmas Day 1: Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de pear tree. I fix it las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow in de swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma. Day 2: Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but all I got was two scrawny pigeons. Anyway, I mixed dem with andouille an made some gumbo out of dem. Day 3: Dear Boudreaux, Why doan you sent some crawfish? I'm tired of eating dem darn birds. I gave two of dose prissy French chickens to Marie Trahan over at Grans Bayou an fed the turd one to my dog, Phideaux. Marie needed some sparring partners for her fighting rooster. Day 4: Dear Boudreaux, Mon Dieux! I tol you no more friggin birds. Deez four, what you call dem "calling birds" were so noisy you could hear dem allde way to Napoleonville. I used dere necks for my crab traps, an fed de rest of dem to de gators. Day 5: Dear Boudreaux, You finally sen' somethin useful. I like dem golden rings, me. I hocked dem at da pawn shop in Thibodeaux and got enuf money to fix da shaft on my shrimp boat an buy a round for da boys at de Raisin' Cane Lounge. Merci Beaucoup! Day 6: Dear Boudreaux, Couchon! Back to da birds, you coonass turkey! Poor, egg-suckin' Phideaux is scared to death at dem six gaeases. He tried to eat dems eggs and dey peck de heck out ah his snout. Dey good at eating cockroaches, though. I may stuff one of dem wit erster dressing on Christmas day. Day 7: Dear Boudreaux, I'm gonna wring your fool neck next time I see you. Thibeau, da mailman, is ready to kill ya. The merde from all dem birds is stinkin' up his mailboat. He afraid someone will slip on dat stuff and sue him good. I let those seven swans loose to swim on de bayou and some duck hunters from Mississippi blasted dem out of de water. Talk to you tomorrow. Day 8: Dear Boudreaux, poor ole Thibeau, he had to make tree trips on his mailboat to deliver dem 8 maids a milkin and their cows. One of dem cows got spooked by da alligators and almost tipped over da boat. I doan like dem shiftless maids, me no. I tolt dem to get to work guttin fish and sweeping the shack but dey say it wasn't in dair contract. Dey probably think dey toogood ta skin nutrias I caught las night!! Day 9: Dear Boudreaux, What you trying to do huh? Thibeau had to borrow theLutcher ferry to carry dem jumpin twits you call Lords-a-Leaping across the bayou. As soon as dey gots here dey wanted a tea break with crumpets. I doan know what dat means but I says, "Well La Di Da. You get Chicory coffee or nuttin." Mon Dieu, Emile. What I'm gonna feed all eez bozos? Dey too snooty for fried nutria, and de cows done eat my turnip greens. Day 10: Dear Boudreaux, You got to be outs you mind! If de mailman don't kill you, I will fo sure. Today he deliver 10 half nikid floozies from Bourbon Street. Dey said dey be "Ladies Dancin'" but dey doan act like ladies in front of dose Limey twits. Dey almos left after one of dem got bit by a water moccasin over by da out-house. I had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute le monde an had to get toilet paper. The Sears catalog wasn't good enuf fer dose hoity toity Lords' royal behin. Day 11: Dear Boudreaux, where y'at? Cheerio an pip pip. Your 11 pipers piping arrives today from the House of Blues, second lining as dey got off de boat. We fixed snuffed goose and beef jambalaya, finished da whiskey and we having a fais-do-do. Da new mailman he drink a bottle of Jack Daniel an he having a good time yeah dancing with de floozies. Thibeau he jump off de Sunshine Bridge yesterday, screaming your name. If you get a mysterious, ticking package in de mail, doan open it. Day 12: Dear Boudreaux, I sorry to tell ya but I not your true love anymore, no. After da fais-do-do, I spent de night with Jacque, de head piper. We decide to open a restaurant and gentleman's club on de bayou. The floozies, pardon me, Ladies dancing can make $20 for a table dance, and de Lords can be waiters an valet park de boats. Since de maids doan have no more cows ta milk, I trained dem ta set my crab traps, watch my trotlines, an run my shrimping business. We will probably gross a million clams nex year!!!
The Top 14 Atheist Holiday Songs 14> O Little Town of Birmingham 13> I Don't Fear What You Fear 12> Oh, Krispy Kreme 11> Angels I Have Heard While High 10> Grandma Got Run Over By a Train, Dear 9> Oh Come *On*, All Ye Faithful! 8> Silent Night. Total F**king Silence. 7> Hark! The Victoria's Secret Angels Jiggle 6> We Kiss You a Mahir Christmas 5> Livin' La Vida Loca -- not that it has anything to do with atheism, but that Ricky Martin is HOT! 4> Whose Kid is This? 3> O Stoli Night 2> Amway -- I'm a Manager 1> Got Breasts, Ye Merry Gentlemen?
The Top 17 Signs the Santa at the Mall is Nuts 17> Shaves head and beard, then insists on being called "Santa Kurtz." 16> Tells kids about the comparative kill ratio of the AK-47 over the Daisy Air Rifle. 15> Those nasty chewing tobacco streaks in his beard. 14> Has a complimentary tray of North Pole "Tundra Oysters" ready for the toddlers. 13> After every child's request, asks, "Wouldn't you rather have a nice big bag of clams?" 12> The twinkle in his eye and the twitch of his nose are due to a lack of medication. 11> Every so often, snaps into a Slim Jim and growls, "You've been bad and now you're going down, punk!" 10> Promises children O.J. will be cleared of all wrongdoing. 9> Caught drinking red wine with fish during break. 8> "Hey kid, bet I can wet my pants faster than you can!" 7> Insists on blowing his nose in children's hair. 6> Despite massive photographic evidence to the contrary, claims to have never worn white gloves or shiny black boots. 5> That snowy beard? Nothin' but nose hair. 4> Answers every child's toy request with "Dream on, pee wee!" 3> Enjoys it so much when small children urinate on his lap, he happily returns the favor. 2> Instead of a candy cane, gives each kid a pack of Marlboros and a homemade venison pie. 1> While it's admittedly a nifty trick, blowing smoke rings out of his tracheotomy hole is just scaring the hell out of the kiddies.
One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off everything and asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Hey Hey Hey I gotta stay, gotta stay! I can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"
A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining" he said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me" she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said. Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then, they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course!" he replied, and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" The man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
Mrs. Bandlow says to her husband,..... "I had the strangest dream last night. It was Christmas, and our tree was decorated with all kinds of penises. White ones, black ones, circumcised and uncircumcised, big and small. And on the top of the tree was the *perfect* penis." Mr. Bandlow says, "I bet that one was mine." She says, "Sorry, honey, it wasn't." He says, "You know, it's weird, but I had almost the same dream. A Christmas tree decorated with pussies...shaven and unshaven, thin and thick lips, scented and unscented... and the one on the top was the *perfect* pussy." She says, "I suppose that one on the top was mine?" He says, "Nope. Yours was holding up the tree!"
The Cat's Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the house.
Not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse.
'Cuz the cat had pounced on him,
and tore him apart.
Ate his mousey intestines,
And chewed up his heart.
Kitty thought he heard sleighbells,
Which made him take pause.
He stopped daintily licking,
the blood from his claws.
"Must be Santa" thought Kitty,
(that quite clever cat).
'Cuz nobody else climbs down,
the chimney like that.
Indeed it was ol' Santa,
so jolly and fat.
With a load of presents,
and all for the cat!
"Wow, the best Christmas ever!",
Kitty thought with a purr.
Then he coughed up a hairball,
and shed some more fur.
The Net Before Christma 'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the nets, Not a mousie was stirring, not even the pets. The floppies were stacked by the modem with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there. The files were nestled all snug in a folder, The screen-saver turned on, the weather was colder. And leaving the keyboard along with my mouse, I turned from the screen to the rest of the house. When up from the drive there arose such a clatter, I turned to the screen to see what was the matter. Away to the mouse I flew like a flash, Zoomed open a window in fear of a crash... The glow from the screen on the keyboard below, Gave an electronic luster to all my macros. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a little sleigh icon with eight tiny reindeer. And a tiny disk driver so SCSI and quick, I knew in a nano it must be Saint Nick. More rapid than trackballs his cursors they came, He whistled and shouted and faxed them by name. "Now Flasher! Now Dasher! Now Raster and Bixel! On Phosphor! On Photon! On Baudrate and Pixel! To the top of the stack. To the top of the heap." Then each little reindeer made a soft beep. As data that before the wild electrons fly, When they meet with a node, mount to the drive. So up to the screentop the cursors they flew, With a sleigh full of disks and databits, too. And then in a twinkling I heard the high whine, Of a modem connecting at a baud rate so fine. As I gazed at the screen with a puzzling frown, St. Nicholas logged on though I thought I was down. He was dressed all in bytes from header to footer, And the words on the screen said "Don't you reboot 'er.". A bundle of bits he had flung on his back, And he looked like a programmer starting his hack. His eyes how they glazed, his hair was so scary, His cola was jolt, not flavoured with cherry. His droll little mouth was drawn up like a GIF, And the pixels of his beard sure gave me a lift. The stump of a routine he held tight in his code, And I knew he had made it past the last node. He spoke not a word but looked right at me, And I saw in a flash his file was .SEA. He self-decompressed and I watched him unfold, Into a jolly old elf, a sight to behold. And the whispering sound of my hard drive's head, Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread. He went straight to his work without saying a word, And filled all the folders of this happy nerd. And 'tis the whole truth, as the story is told, That giving a nod up the window he scrolled. He sprang to the serial port as if truly on fire, And away they all flew down the thin copper wire. But I heard him exclaim as he scrolled out of sight, "Happy Christmas to All, and to all a good night."
Politically Correct Santa 'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck... How to live in a world that's politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to "Elves", "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves. And labour conditions at the north pole, Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul. Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. And equal employment had made it quite clear, That Santa had better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid! The runners had been removed from his sleigh; The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. And people had started to call for the cops, When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops. Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened. His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened.", And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing over unauthorised use of his nose. And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, Demanding millions in over-due compensation. So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life. Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz, Demanding from now on her title was Ms. And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion, That making a choice could cause so much commotion. Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her. Nothing that might be construed to pollute, Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot. Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise, Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific, Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific. No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth, Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden. For they raised the hackles of those psychological, Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological. No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt, Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt. Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe, And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away. So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed, He just could not figure out what to do next. He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, But you've got to be careful with that word today. His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground, Nothing fully acceptable was to be found. Something special was needed, a gift that he might, Give to all without angering the left or the right. A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, Each group of people, every religion, Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone, everywhere...even you. So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth... "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
The Night After Christmas ‘Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, The beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys, And I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy. The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife, The worst Christmas they said they had had in their life, My wife couldn't argue and neither could I, So I watched TV and my wife, she just cried. When out in the yard the dog started barking, I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws And I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus." I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, And you ain't taking me in without probable cause." Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night." I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like." The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, That shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry." I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri." "It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said. "The man I'm describing in dressed all in red. I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen." Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, It wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail. I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten, And I thought that my wife had been drinking again." When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, And stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red. Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, A freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter. Well my hands were a shaking as I grabbed my gun, When outta Red's chimney this feller did run. And slung on his back was this bag over flowing. I thought he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'. So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!" But he went about his business like he hadn't a care. So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, "That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."
The Month After Christmas Twas the month after Christmas, And all through the house, Nothing would fit me, Not even a blouse. The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste, At the holiday parties had gone to my waist. When I got on the scales there arose such a number! When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber). I'd remember the marvellous meals I'd prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared, The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please." As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt And prepared once again to do battle with dirt--- I said to myself, as I only can "You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!" So--away with the last of the sour cream dip, Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip Every last bit of food that I like must be banished Till all the additional ounces have vanished. I won't have a cookie--not even a lick. I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick. I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry. I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore--- But isn't that what January is for? Unable to giggle, no longer a riot. Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!