Another Day at the Office 

Hi. My name is Sherman. I work at Macrosoft. I read something lately that said Macrosoft was "the technological equivalent of
a sweatshop" and it bothered me. I want to set the record straight so I decided to record what I do on a typical day at work. I
hope this will clear things up. Thank you.

4:33 AM
I woke up and put my pillow and blanket into the bottom drawer of my desk. Went down the hall for a double espresso but
some idiot had turned the machine off. Had to settle for French Roast. Gordon stopped me on the way back to the office and
asked if I would crack his back. He still hasn't gotten used to the floor.

4:38 AM
Gordon's back cracked a little too loudly and he left for the hospital to get checked out. I am back at my desk checking my
mail. Hmmm.... Wow! There's a note here about the planning meeting for our new product. They've decided to call it Industry
'99 because it will do everything our other suite does plus put Federal Express, Charles Schwab, and Nabisco out of business.
Kewl, deud!

4:41 AM
Got another bloody nose. I don't believe that damned doctor. There is no way caffeine can cause this. Damn! I'm out of
Kleenex. Thank God for that medicine cabinet.

4:43 AM
Just got back and am ready for work. Boy, they keep putting new stuff in that medicine cabinet. Vivarin! What will they think
of next. A couple of those and that espresso machine can kiss my ass.

4:45 AM
Started coding. These hidden functions are tough. I don't know how they expect me to stop someone's modem lights from
blinking while we upload their life's history during registration. Hmmm.... Maybe a BIOS call to the serial driver will do the
trick.

5:01 AM
Time for breakfast. Damned microwave. Even on defrost it still makes the cream squirt right out of the Twinkies. Well, at least
old Gordon's not here. Yesterday he was so tweaked out on Jolt he set it on high and the damned things exploded. Boy was
maintenance pissed. Took 'em half an hour to scrape that shit off the inside of the oven. We will have a meeting on that one I'm
sure....

5:10 AM
Ah, nothing like a good meal. Burned my tongue though. Man that hurts. Twinkie guts will do that to ya every time. Read the
company newsletter while I was eating and it mentioned that the wife changed her mind again on the layout of the kitchen at
Bill's new estate. Damn, at the rate they're going they'll move in on the same day he throws the switch and sends the ultimatum
to Washington. Oops! Maybe I shouldn't have said that. That's a top secret project. Oh, well, now you know.

5:16 AM
Went out to the Web with Exploder 7.0 Beta. Just installed it yesterday and it ate my hard drive. They aren't sure if that bug
will be fixed. Too close to shipping. The plan is to blame it on Quicken if anyone calls support. PointCast is really hosed though
and that pisses me off. Can't get my stock quotes.

5:22 AM
Gordon called. Says they've got him in a back brace. Promised to say he slipped in the game room while playing Asteroids so
he can get L&I. He sounded a little pissed though. Better not play basketball with him anytime soon.

5:28 AM
Damned contractor called in. He says his father died. Guess I'll be testing today too. Oh well, I'll throw in a few extra-nasty
bugs just for him to choke on next week. Damned guys are spoiled. They only work 60 hours a week and cry like babies.

5:37 AM
Cutting more code. Damned DOA objects. Never do what you want. Stupid thing just grabbed one of my dirty jpegs and
slammed it into the server in building 36. The bastards don't even give me delete rights. Damn. Better get over there and thrash
it before the shit hits the fan.

6:13 AM
Just got back. Shit, that was close. I had to practically sell my soul to get that picture deleted. Lucky for me that Bob had to go
take a dump. Only problem was he had just started the backup, so I bumped into the tape to stop it and the frigging server
went down. Oh well, he'll be so busy cleaning that shit up he won't have time to figure out what happened.

6:22 AM
Gordon called back. His back is worse than they thought. He was leaving the hospital and had to go back. He told them he
slipped on some dog poop that was out front and now they're worried he's going to sue 'em. They're admitting him for
observation.

6:41 AM
Jerry just got in. Man, he's such a prick. His "Pammy" just walked him to his desk, as always, and played tickle the tonsils with
him just for my benefit. Damned contractors and their girlfriends. Think I'll call H.R. and see if this is sexual harassment.

7:19 AM
Got another call from Gordon. Apparently he has a ruptured disc and is going into emergency surgery.

7:32 AM
Got a note about a special meeting. The loon that freaked out yesterday screwed up the source code and we're gonna have to
re-do some stuff. Be back later.

9:17 AM
Boy, what a ball buster. That wacko really trashed the project. Apparently he checked out nearly all the modules and
massacred half the code. They also mentioned that the backup was no good because that moron Bob screwed it up this
morning. God smiles on me.

9:49 AM
Finally got PointCast going and downloaded the news. There's another article about porno here at Macrosoft. Uh-oh, better
do some clean up work.

10:13 AM
Finished re-formatting my drive and loading Netscape since at least it works. Now, I'm waiting for the system to finish loading.
I took my zip drive down to the car and tucked it away in the trunk.

10:27 AM
Ah, espresso at last. Just in time. I have a spec meeting in three minutes.

11:45 AM
Another meeting from hell. I don't know why they call them specs. You never actually see them until the project is done and off
to shipping. I'm going to lunch.

12:12 PM
Got lunch. Boy, this pizza is the best. I don't know what it is about the cheese though. Looks a little like a dried booger. They
finally got Jolt on tap in the cafeteria. About damned time.

12:26 PM
Finished lunch. Went to take a dump but the line was too long. Ran into Leslie in the hall and she told me I looked nice.
Hmmm... I wonder what she wants. Reminds me. Better call H.R. about the "lip lizards."

1:03 PM
Called H.R. and talked to Rebecca. She said I might have a case for sexual harassment if Pammy-baby was making any eye
contact with me while they were sucking face. I Suppose I could lie. Bitch wants me anyway; I can tell.

1:41 PM
Jerry just left, glaring like the prick he is. I think Rebecca just nabbed his ass. Ha! Bite me, you moron.

1:48 PM
Jeez, I was getting grumpy. Got a double latte. That should bring me down a little. Gordon's wife left a message on my machine
saying that he is paralyzed from the neck down. They think it's permanent. Just hope the bastard can't talk either. I'm calling my
lawyer.

2:16 PM
Rebecca called back and has her titties in a tizzy. Seems Jerry the Fairy took Pammy-Eats-My-Hammy down to her office and
mentioned that little incident from last week. I told her it wasn't even close to a grope, more like a wedgie. Oh, well, something
else for the lawyer.

2:29 PM
Well gag me with a frigging spatula! Another new guy. Damned contractors. Make more money than us and have that innocent
look. Bradford, huh. That's your name? Okay, scumbag, the next virus will be named after you.

2:52 PM
Whew. Went down to the car and took a shot of NyQuill. Man, I gotta come down a little. Call the lawyer. Call the lawyer.

3:20 PM
Oh shit! Damned lawyer called me! Gordon just croaked and the cops want to talk to me at five. The freaky bastard anyway.
What the hell did he think I was, a frigging chiropractor?

3:51 PM
Damned nose is spewing blood like a fire hydrant. Be back in a minute.

4:16 PM
Got the bleeding stopped but Janitorial is livid. They say the stain won't come out of the carpet but hell, it's already kind of red.

4:58 PM
Just got handed a notice to appear before the harassment board on Monday. That ass Jerry. I'll get him and that prissy bitch
too.

5:22 PM
Ah, dinner. At least the NyQuill is working a little. These pizza rolls are the greatest. Gotta get me some next month when I go
to the store.

5:55 PM
Cops showed up because I forgot to go see them. Damned Gestapo gave me the third degree. The lawyer was already here
because Jerry filed a lawsuit. Gordon's wife is on her way over with a gun.

6:29 PM
Man, what a day. Gordon's wife was caught in the parking lot but wouldn't leave until she was allowed to bitch me out. They
took me downstairs and I faced her. Then all hell broke loose when her dog jumped out of their Jeep and attacked my groin.
Bitch must have had him trained by some feminist group. Just stopped in to get my jacket before they take me over to the
hospital.

8:51 PM
Back at last. Damned dog did some damage. Five stitches and some rabies shots. I still don't know what the penicillin was all
about. They didn't even have any real coffee there. Gotta go get a cup.

9:00 PM
Cops just phoned. I have to be at the courthouse tomorrow morning for arraignment. They said I should bring my attorney. Ha,
ha, joke's on them. We'll be there anyway dealing with Jerry and Pammy.

9:36 PM
Got the virus finished and zapped it over to that new asshole's system. Have a nice breakfast, you dillweed.

9:58 PM
Last code for the day. I finished the new voice help feature. This is gonna be cool. I fixed one section extra special. If you play
it backwards it says "Pammy fucks the band". Man, technology is great.

10:25 PM
Talked to the lawyer. He said I should bring extra clothes tomorrow.

10:49 PM
Shit! Circuit breaker in the kitchen went out. Nothing is working. Damn. There was only one Jolt left. Better make it last.

11:22 PM
Couldn't find my porno mags. I think Jerry got them. God, court is going to be a bitch. Worse than last year.

11:43 PM
Called mom. She said I didn't get any mail. No news is good news, I guess. She mentioned that my dog died last week. Asked
if I would be home soon.

12:32 AM
Well, I think the day is over. I'm going to crash if I can find a bloodless spot on the floor. Gotta set the computer to wake me
up early. Big day tomorrow. Goodnight.

Any similarities between this and any real company are intentionally coincidental.